You know how they have 17 hours of unseen footage on the Anchorman DVD that you spent 17 hours watching to only keep saying, “Well, I know why they cut this out?” In a similar vein, I wrote about V-Mart in the Buy/Sell that’s coming later today, but have since cut it. Still, here it is in its uncut form, “Victor Martinez – Hey, it didn’t work out like you antissapated (sic) when you ignored my advise (sic) to not draft hymn (sic). In 12 to 14 team mixed leagues, he’s still tentatively a hold, but in shallower leagues, you really need to start looking elsewhere. (Maybe make this funnier, Grey, your intern wrote this and it’s hot garbage and who’s writing this note if it’s not you, Grey? Wait, are you asking yourself if you’re writing in third person? That’s like next level shizz!)” So, yeah, I was ready to move on from V-Mart in shallower leagues. He looked lost like the Lost writers during the final season of Lost. I told you not to draft him in the preseason, and I still don’t like him at all, but after he homered twice yesterday (2-for-4, 5 RBIs with his 7th and 8th homers), I’d definitely hold to see if yesterday was the K-turn he needed to get out of his cul-de-suck. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Miguel Cabrera – Ausmus said Miggy could be activated sometime before August 19th. Whoa, way to get the press off your back. Now every day a reporter has to ask if today’s the day Miggy returns.
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, a walk-off homer. I never understood why some fantasy sites point shizz like that out. Who cares if it’s a walk-off homer? Maybe I’ve been down this fantasy rabbit hole too long, but I don’t have Walk-Off Homers as a category in my league. I do have “Pats On Head Accepted” so I wish I avoided Beltre.
Anthony Gose – 2-for-4 as he leadoff. Mean’s while, Rajai, The King of SAGNOF, didn’t start for the 2nd game in a row and I dropped him. Being royalty just ain’t what it was before the French paparazzo chased Princess Di into that tunnel.
Anibal Sanchez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.82. I Am Anibal has been iffy at best and unownable at worst, and I wouldn’t want to own him in any mixed league, even if the Stream-o-Nator happens to like a start of his.
Yordano Ventura – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 5.29. Serious questions, over-the-internet friend, did you lose a bet? Then why do you own Ventura?
Stephen Strasburg – Could start tomorrow. I’ll effin’ believe it when Effin Stressbird is back on the mound.
Joe Ross – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.80. Will remain in the rotation with Fister moved to the bullpen. Surprised by this move since Ross is on an IP limit and Fister was a free agent signing. Not to mention, a guy who can’t strike out anyone in the bullpen just sounds goofy, but there ya go. Yesterday, 1908 Yahoo teams dropped Ross before this news. Insult to injury if those 1908 people were also Cubs fans. The number haunts us!
Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer. Looked like he went back to being cold doodie that splashes back on you, but maybe this is a sign of life.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. And you thought he retired! Wait, so did I.
Brad Ziegler – 1 IP, 3 ER. Kazaam! What a bizarre, totally unnecessary inning that was for a closer who has a 1.71 ERA.
Jeremy Hellickson – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.06. They don’t call him Hell Boy for nothing. Of course, it’s short for, “To Hell With This Boy.”
Trevor Plouffe – 1-ofr-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite! He’s like the AL version of Juan Uribe. Whenever he homers, I assume another one will follow within a few days.
Aaron Hicks – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Damn, Cousin Sweatpants, my man is hot.
Kyle Gibson – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.78 vs. Mark Buehrle 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.34. Classic matchup of Buehrle vs. *shudders* which sounds like Buehrle.
Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 21st homer. I had a realization yesterday with the help of some commenters that Edwin is E5 and Josh Donaldson (2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 4th steal) is F5 because every time you refresh your fantasy team page, Donaldson’s produced again. And Edwin and Jose Bautista (1-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI) are the Cortisone Brothers, and Pillar (0-for-4) is made of stone and Tulo (2-for-5, 1 run) is made of glass and… So many realizations!
Aaron Brooks – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.41. Still too early to say for sure since he only has about 20 total major league innings to his name, but he looks like the kind of pitcher that will be solid in matchups at home, but not much more than a streamer. He doesn’t walk anyone, but I can’t imagine he’s going to strike out more than six per nine either, i.e., another mediOAKer.
Stephen Vogt – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer. Yes, I too am having a hard time still believing Vogt.
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer. If he added catcher eligibility, I’d still have a hard time getting excited about him.
Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, 2 runs and 2 steals (29, 30). Elias Sports Bureau said that the amount of footsteps Altuve used for his two steals could’ve walked a normal-sized man to the moon.
Carlos Correa – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. So, basically, he’s going to be a 2nd rounder next year, got it.
Jose Urena – 2 IP, 5 ER. Is it not bad enough Urena sounds like a prostate issue?
Derek Dietrich – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer. I didn’t put Dietrich in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he could easily have made it. Get Dietrich, or die tryin’!
Christian Yelich – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th steal. Definitely not having as big of a year as last year, but last year he attended his senior prom, graduated high school, was allowed to stay out past midnight, etc.
Adonis Garcia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I would never suggest picking him up in mixed leagues, but he has proven value in NL-Only. A lot more value than I thought he’d ever have.
Eury Perez – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal. You know what the Braves have? A great team for NL-Only’ers who have been hit by injuries on their fantasy team. Their guys aren’t very exciting, but they do get at-bats and occasionally run into some stats.
Matthew Wisler – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER. This guy’s roofied me so much I can’t feel my lower extremities.
Kyle Lohse – Demoted to the Brewers bullpen. He was told to report to the next home game in the Bernie Brewer costume and he will be working the slide.
Matt Garza – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.95. Shows you what I know: I was trying to stream every hitter I could get against Garza yesterday, but was only happy getting Will Venable, who, as it turns out, didn’t play yesterday because he impregnated his wife nine months ago. At least he hopes it was him.
Khris Davis – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. I’m gonna start calling this guy Kexhausting with the K being silent. Every time I finally move on, giving up hope, Davis pops up on my news feed with a headline, “I’m Back!” Hey, Khris Davis, stop crying wolf! Yes, I would pick Davis back up if you dropped him, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see him now go 1 for his next 17.
Adam Lind – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .289. Yeah, take that Ryan Braun (1-for-3, 2 runs)! If I was a character in The Hunger Games with hair like Will Ferrell’s from Zoolander, I’d totally pit Lind vs. Braun in a battle to the death. By the by, you know what they call The Hunger Games in Italy? The ‘Eat, Eat, What’s Wrong With You? Eat’ Games.
Michael Cuddyer – Might not return until Monday. Can I get an amen?! As in a “Men I don’t want to own list with Cuddyer at the top.” Damn, pilates has helped me stretch my puns to new heights. Am I right, Jamie Walters?
Jerry Blevins – Re-injured his arm and is done for the year. Leave it to Blevins!
Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.92. As much as C-Mart looks like he should be shut down like ‘N Sync at the end of the “It’s Gonna Be Me” video when they should’ve been returned to their toy boxes, Wacha looks like he’s getting stronger here in August after a meh past two months (3.77 ERA in June, 4.06 ERA in July).
CC Sabathia – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.34. CC got the no decision in a game he really deserved to win, but, that’s okay, since he’s won about 165 games in his career that he would have lost on a different team.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer this week. Only took him about four months, but it looks like there might finally be some fog on that mirror under his nose.
Chris Heston – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.48. Honestly, it’s irrelevant. His home ERA is 2.57 and that’s the only place I’d start him unless it was in Metco or Petco or somewhere equally innocuous.
Brandon Crawford – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Hayzeus Cristo, he’s on another monkey-fighting plane right now!
Brandon Belt – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Is it me or does Belt seem to show up in the roundups a decent amount, but when you look at his season totals, you’re like, “Yeah, and?”
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. The Cubs are not only not going to start Montero over him, I wouldn’t be surprised if Montero is DFA’d. Shoot, they can DFA half their team to keep Schwarber in the lineup for all I care.
Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 1.71 and he pitchslapped former president, Buchanan. A pitcher homering has that same feeling to me as a monkey roller skating or a position player pitching. You just don’t see it every day, so there’s a fun novelty to it. Pitchslapping aside, Greinke gets swallowed whole by the Phils and is still at only a 1.71 ERA. That’s insane. Furthermore (Grey’s adding on!), how does he only have eleven wins? The Dodgers are one of the best teams and he gave up no runs in every game other than this one. That has to be up there with the all-time worst win luck of anyone in the history of this game that Abner Doubleday supposedly invented but didn’t.
Alberto Callaspo -2-for-4 as he played 3rd. In related news, Alex Guerrero is Mattingly’s piss boy.
Chase Utley – Will return from the DL today. If he shows up at the park in a DeLorean, then I’m interested.
Ryan Howard – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, Cesar Hernandez (2-for-5, 2 runs) and Odubel Herrera (3-for-5, 2 runs) could all be in this afternoon’s Buy column, along with the next schmohawk down the roundup, as they all hit Dodgers pitching well. Maybe the Dodgers got spooked playing in Philly because it was like they were looking at themselves in four years. Seriously, like Utley, Howard, Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee and Hamels didn’t think their feces smelled like Reese’s Pieces four years ago.
Domonic Brown – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, with all three homers coming in the last week. As someone who benefited greatly from Brown’s 23-homer 1st half in 2013, let me be the first person to point out that Brown is capable of great things. Here’s the 2nd person to point it out, a note from Tehol landed on my desk, it reads, “GREY! Game of Thrones, RIGHT?! It’s your boy, Beddict the Elder God, King Kunta, the First, eating Ho Hos as they walk out of the midnight screening of Magic Mike 2: The Search For Abs As Fine As Mine. Yo, young money, let me elicit an eardrum for two minutos (Jay please insert image here). I have a question that has Beddict, the eldest Elder, lying on my cloud, scratching under my flowing robe, wondering what to make of Domonic Brown. Can he be a blessed one like when I’m standing near Drake and he sneezes and I bless him?”