“Who is the Dodgers ace?” asks the Fox Sports newscaster in Los Angeles, after the special report on “Where are the stars shopping for their Emmy gowns?” and “Juicing? Is it good for you?” and “A high-speed pursuit ends in an In-N-Out drive-thru,” and “Actresses over 24 years old may not be washed up after all,” and “Shopkeeper puts up sign to ‘Vote Republican’ and gets looted.” So, who is the Dodgers ace? On Saturday, Clayton Kershaw went 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners with 14 Ks, ERA down to 2.68. My Magic Eight Ball says this is the year the Dodgers hop on Kershaw’s back, march through the playoffs and justify every crackers move Mattingly’s done in his managerial career. Sometimes knowing the future really bums me out. Not to be outdone, on Sunday, Zack Greinke went 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners with 11 Ks, and lowered his ERA to 1.30. Soon he won’t be able to lower his ERA anymore (math is my strong suit). I’m totally done doubting Greinke…or am I?! No, not the ellipsis reversal! Ah! As I ranked in the top 100 for the 2nd half, Kershaw is way above Greinke in terms of, well, everything. Greinke is also not a 1.30 ERA pitcher, but no one really is, except maybe Kershaw. Greinke is definitely a number one though; this isn’t all luck. He has a 8+ K/9, 1.4 BB/9 and 3.05 xFIP, which is essentially nice, aw sooky, nice. A “nice aw sooky” sandwich, if you will. Then there’s the fact that Greinke hasn’t allowed a run in 43 2/3 IP. Orel Hershiser doesn’t scoff at that, maybe he yawns, then does a small double take when no one is looking. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Yasmani Grandal – Left yesterday’s game after taking a foul tip off his head. That’s also the 5th most common porn injury.
Ryan Zimmerman – Ready to begin a rehab assignment in Double-A Harrisburg. I hear the oddsmakers are saying Zimmerman could win the Double-A Harrisburg MVP with a big game Monday against the Chattanooga Choo-Choos.
Carlos Beltran – 1-for-2, 1 RBI as he returned from the DL. You just can’t keep a Zombino down (without garlic, crosses, Norma toast).
Rob Refsnyder – Sent back down because the Yankees median age dipped below 35 with him on the team and players didn’t like that hippity-hoppity music in the clubhouse and listening to conversations about Drake & Josh. Seriously, two days ago (!), Girardi said of Refsnyder’s playing time, “It is not a two-week trial.” Obviously, it was more of a four-day trial.
Mark Teixeira – 3-for-4 and his 23rd homer. It’s too late for Norma toast here. Save yourselves!
Robinson Cano – 0-for-3 and two homers on Saturday. JB and I went over Cano during the podcast that’s coming later today. It’s a real humdinger! Equal parts, hum and dinger.
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.12. I’ve talked about Keuchel regressing (soon, maybe, at some point, who knows), but I will say I wish I owned him while he was pitching beyond his ability.
Preston Tucker – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. I posed a question to myself the other day, “Grichuk or Tucker in a dynasty?” I’m still waiting for me to answer. Me? Hello? I know you’re there, I can hear you breathing.
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, he was replaced late in the game by Hoes. Sounds like a fun time!
Luis Valbuena – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs, hitting .207. I’m gonna go out on a very sturdy oak tree limb and say that’s the most hits he’s ever had in one game. I should work for Elias Sports Bureau. “Grey says he thinks that’s the most hits ever for Valbuena.” “Does Grey know the job isn’t subjective?”
Bartolo Colon – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.86. I’m reminded of Phil Hartman’s SNL commercial, Colon Blow.
Travis d’Arnaud – Nearing rehab games. He just needs to ease up on the gas and turn right.
Randal Grichuk – 1-for-7, and homered twice on Saturday, hitting .281. Yeah, I don’t know what the deal will be when Holliday starts playing every day, but there’s no way Grichuk is coming out of the lineup with how he’s hitting. I’d grab him in all leagues, like fo’reallies.
Carlos Martinez – 4 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks as he came into the game in the 15th inning because the world insisted on conspiring against me and my two-start C-Mart.
Tim Cooney – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks. Bad news, Cooney’s not more than a streamer in mixed leagues. Good news, as long as he’s pitching for the Cards he can’t be filming another one of those awful Ocean’s Eleven movies.
Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-4 and a slam (10) and legs (18), hitting .321. On our Player Rater, Cain…Sugar! is the ____ ranked outfielder for the majors? If you said 7th, you’re right or you cheated. No sweat either way, nice initiative.
Paulo Orlando – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I can get on board with Paulo Orlando or Paulo Orleans or Paulo Wherever, but I kinda prefer Jarrod Dyson or Orlando is the starter, not a platoon. Please, not a platoon.
Conor Gillaspie – Designated for assignment. Gillaspie’s assignment is to make pants made of a bench that players can sit on so he’s of some use to a major league team.
Tyler Saladino – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. With Gillaspie’s job changing to benchpants, Saladino is now the White Sox 3rd baseman. His minor league stats look like a guy that could be more valuable for fantasy than real life, and real life is lame and doesn’t give you a virtual trophy at the end of the season. “Uncle Herbert had a wonderful life and left behind a wife, two children and sixteen virtual trophies.” Saladino had 4 homers and 25 steals in Triple-A this year with bleh contact. Since I’ve seen him with shortstop eligibility in some leagues, I grabbed him in one deep league to see where it takes me, but I was only dropping Refsnyder.
Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, but out after 73 pitches because the Indians were in an NL stadium and it’s not often Francona gets to show he can manage. Or he just wanted to show America how to blow a win. Thanks, Tito! You’re the best if the scale is turned upside down! And you too, Cody Allen! I love you both, you schmohawks.
Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .307. That’s in 29 games. Yeah, I have no idea where the power is coming from, but you don’t need to be an Eugenius to own him and see where it takes you.
Chris Tillman – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 KS, ERA at 4.96. This game came against the Tigers, an offense that looks like a turtle on its back now that it lost Miggy and J.D. stopped hitting two homers every at-bat. I wouldn’t go as far as seeking out the Tigers for streamers, but I also wouldn’t fear them, because, as Winston Churchill once said, we have nothing to fear except running into that girl you slept with and never returned her phone calls. I’m paraphrasing.
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting near .500 in his last 7 games with two homers, and has three homers since he returned from the DL. I wrote a sleeper post about Schoop in the preseason and loved him. He might not be more than a hot schmotato right now, but you should absolutely grab him.
Adam Jones – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 15th homer. I don’t think it’s possible for him to get up to preseason projections territory around 27 homers, but Hayzeus Cristo that would be wonderful.
David Price – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks. Not since Elsie Nussbaum applied olive oil to her rich, leathery skin in Miami Beach has a star of David shone so bright.
Justin Verlander – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.62. About seven years ago, Grady Sizemore was one of the best outfielders in the major leagues. Then, one fateful night during the offseason, he took a naked selfie and his career has never been the same. About a year ago, Verlander took a naked selfie. One more and it’s a rule. Here’s hoping A-Rod and Ricky Martin take a selfie together.
Jose Iglesias – 4-for-4, 3 runs, hitting .321. I bet Hozier is glad he was forced into grabbing Jose after naming his fantasy baseball team, Take Me to Iglesias.
Corey Dickerson – Began rehab games on Sunday. Sounds like good news. Ugh, I’m sorry, but I have to rain on Dickerson’s Jimmy Paredes. I’m guessing he’ll get through about five rehab games, return to the Rockies and be fine for about a week, until he’s shut down once again. With this final shut down ending his year. Well, ain’t I, Mr. Brightside?
Wil Myers – Wil, uh, will begin swinging this week. Hopefully Ben Affleck plays him and Matt Damon plays Fritz Peterson. *intern whispers in my ear* Yeah, I know, swinging a bat. *more whispering* Oh! I’m told it’s a different type of swinging.
Taylor Jungmann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.04. For what it’s Wuertz, I’m rocking Jungmann in a few different leagues and I plan on going with him until it’s time to jump ship.
Cole Hamels – 3 IP, 5 ER. Mr. Hamels said he just can’t pitch with all of this trade business being discussed! He’s much better in a meaningless game vs. the Marlins when everyone keeps their yaps shut!
Ryan Howard – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer, hitting right at the Marla Gibbs Line. Ruin Tomorrow Jr. said he’s working hard to trade Howard. Yeah, and I’m working hard to sleep with Penelope Cruz. Good luck to us both!
Freddy Galvis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Fun fact! When Freddy went to see his cousin in jail, he altered his sticker so it read “Galvisitor.”
A.J. Ramos – 0 IP, 2 ER and his 4th blown save, but he’s been terrific for the majority of the time he’s been closing games, and two of the blown saves came when he was a middle man, so I wouldn’t be too worried about his job security. Thanks, Obama!
Ichiro Suzuki – 3-for-5, 1 RBI as he hit leadoff and Cole Gillespie (3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal) hit 6th, but I could see these two switching roles or Adeiny Hechavarria (2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI) or even Jose Morris (1-for-1, 1 RBI), but not Casey McGehee (0-for-5) or Miguel Rojas (2-for-3, 1 RBI). Five over-the-internet dollars says you can’t pick which guy I made up in the Marlins lineup.
Garrett Richards – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.24. The only mystery is whether he’ll be an under-3 ERA pitcher again this year. The other mystery in my life is why I keep watching this.
Francisco Liriano – Late scratch on Saturday with a tight neck. This was me on Saturday. Consarnit! I can’t fit Khris Davis into my lineup when he’s actually playing vs. the lefty Liriano. *moments later* Liriano’s out and so is Davis. Yay, I can bench Davis without any worry! *hours later* Davis hits a pinch-hit homer. Sonavabench!
Jordy Mercer – Was carted off the field yesterday after Carlos Gomez slid into Mercer’s knee about 17 feet from the 2nd base bag. Pretty lousy play by Gomez, but I blame the Brewers hiring the baserunning coach, Zola Budd.
Jung-Ho Kang – 2-for-4. If any good can come out of the horrific Mercer injury, our reasons for prank phone calls to Zola Budd are no longer 30 years old. Also, Kang could move to short and Pedro Alvarez might get 3rd base eligibility for next year.
Chris Archer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.73. Archer reminds me of my yearbook quote, “It’s not how far you shoot, it’s where you aim.” Though, I wasn’t talking about baseball at the time.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, and 2nd day in a row with a homer. Yup, my trade of Bautista for Stressbird was quite the coup!
Chris Colabello – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .324. I Googled Colabello for some reason yesterday and I saw his picture. He looks nothing like what I expected with his hat off. This is a terrible segue into something I need help with. Baseball players definitely have a Clark Kent thing going on. When they remove their hats, suddenly they’re unrecognizable. When they retire, it’s even more so. So, I’m like 75% sure a retired baseball player was sitting by Cougs and I at dinner in Seattle during the break. I extended my selfie stick towards him, pretending I was taking a photo of us, and snapped a shot of him. He was talking about San Fran, so he might be an ex-Giant. Any the hoo! The guy in the brown…Who is that guy?! Is it a pitcher? A broadcaster? Please help, it’s killing me!
Miguel Sano – Dealing with a sprained ankle and he said he’s “okay.” Even though he showed at the park on crutches. Hate to see him when he’s “not okay.” Twins said he should play again in 3 to 5 days. Okay.
Jesse Chavez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA down to 3.21. Trying to get you people to pick up Chavez is a constant struggle like a Somali refugee living in Kenya. All right, maybe not that bad.
Scott Kazmir – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.38. Make like Winthorpe in that convoluted third act of Trading Places and sell!
Josh Reddick – 1-for-3, and his 12th homer, a grand salami. That’s obviously better than a red salami.
Jake Smolinski – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Hot Smolinski alert!
Chase Anderson – Hit the Disgraceful List with “got roughed up on Saturday and has looked like poop for about a month.” That’s the medical explanation at least.
Nori Aoki – A scan on Saturday showed his fractured fibula was 80 percent healed. Knowing a fibula, it was probably 77% healed but exaggerating.
Jon Lester – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. Let’s not go over what his ERA has been since I told you to buy him, but instead let’s say, “Bravo, Grey, bravo.”
Rafael Soriano – Recalled from Triple-A. One website said, “The 35-year-old hurler will add some much needed depth to the back-end of the Cubs bullpen.” Oh. What?! The Cubs have one of the best bullpens in the majors. Soriano adds much-unneeded confusion as to who’s in what role. So, is Motte still the closer? Was he ever the closer? Whatever happened to Rondon? He was terrific and bumped. Edwin Jackson had a 3.19 ERA out of the bullpen and was designated for assignment. Why? Because it’s Maddoning! I’d own Soriano, but I’m not looking forward to it, if you catch my drift.
Jake Arrieta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. Lester and Arrieta are like peas and carrots, or as I prefer to say, pees and poops.
Jorge Soler – 1-for-4 and a slam (5) and legs (2). The funny thing (not funny), Soler could end up the best player in his career who was a rookie this year. But holy hootie hoo he does not look like that right now.
Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 KS, ERA at 2.33. The Regression Fairies keep making a play at him, but he keeps forking over unearned runs. In most instances in life, unearned runs are not good, but here, he’s been so lucky.
Freddie Freeman – Fluid remains in his wrist. That sounds great if he were a camel and about to embark on a journey through a desert.