We have one reader in Nigeria who emails me privately about how I’ve won large amounts of muney (sic), so I don’t need to be working, which means this is more of a PSA, and should be taken even more seriously: Starling Marte is a God. There’s Jesus, there’s his Dad, there’s Jehovah, there’s Mormons’ magic underpants, there’s whoever the Jews pray to — Mel Brooks? — there’s Chief Jay Strongbow, there’s the Pope, there’s Allah, there’s Halla, the Arab God for dyslexics, and there’s others, I’m sure. My God is Starling Marte. You know how the religious say, “Peace be with you?” For baseball players, they should say, “May you always hit in Coors.” Yesterday in Coors, Marte went 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, which is the rainbow jimmies on the ice cream that has been his season. He has 18 HRs, 29 SBs and is hitting .288. Right now, he’s around top 25 on our Player Rater. For 2016, it’s gonna be hard for me to wait past the top 20 overall. Yes, he’s that good, and I may just rank him above McCutchen. Oh, snap! Don’t need the police to try to save them, your voice will seize, so please, stay off my back or I will attack and you don’t want that. Hit the bass, hit the anyway and let’s do this! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer. Not to give Walt Weiss any ideas, but Alavarez would be an easy 40-homer hitter on the Rockies. That’s, of course, if he wasn’t benched for Nick Hundley.
Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 50th save with a 1.86 ERA. And you dropped him in April. Oopsie!
Charlie Blackmon – Out again with a sore neck. Blackmon said, “I feel like a jive turkey.”
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs as he returned to the lineup. Halleberrylujah!
Greg Holland – Shut down for the season with a significant UCL tear and is likely gone for all of next year too. Not to go all psychic, future-looking on you, but next year Wade Davis (1 IP, 1 ER, 0.99 ERA) will be drafted like a Donkeycorn, but will be a $12 Salad in disguise.
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.99 on the Royals. Top form for the playoffs, Royals fans, top form!
Mike Moustakas -3-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer. Moistasskiss!
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer. I mentioned this about three months ago, but I have Hosmer and Longoria on the same team, and when one hits a homer, it’s like Christmas miracle. When both hit a homer on the same day, it may as well be me getting toast with Reggie Jackson’s imprint. By the by, the team where I have both, it’s Tout Wars. Look at the category points there. If Hosmer, Longo (Miggy, etc) would’ve stepped up, might be a different story up top. My top home run hitter on the year — Khris Davis! Oh, and that’s the league where I have Stressbird. Mean’s while, Rudy has Donaldson and Edwin, and Ronis has Bryce Harper, Pollock and Giancarlo.
James Paxton – Left yesterday’s game with a torn fingernail, and when he asked Hisashi for a manicurist recommendation, he got the stink eye. Paxton’s middle name is setbacks (it’s Czech) and is likely done for the year.
Yasiel Puig – Unlikely to return this year. Backdate that to right after his first six weeks in the majors.
Clayton Kershaw – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks in only 80 pitches. Ah, yes, it’s getting to be around that time when playoff teams start to add a whole new level to H2H. You in March, “I know you say not to draft pitching high, but Kershaw can win weeks on his own.” You in September, “Why aren’t the Dodgers pitching Greinke and Kershaw 120 pitches per game?! Don’t they know my H2H playoffs are on the line?!”
Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-3, 1 run as Corey Seager took a sit on the bench. Seager has reached in all 18 of his starts (11 extra base hits, 12 walks, 11 Ks, hitting .353 with .457 OBP). Rollins has reached 36 years old.
Brandon Drury – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in three games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he could be. He could, I tell ya!
Patrick Corbin – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER. For what should be his last start of the year, the Stream-o-Nator loves it and I’d stream him there, but I half expect him to throw five innings and be lifted after 70 pitches. Lowercase yay, last week of baseball!
Matt Holliday – Didn’t start last night. Don’t you love how he returned as an everyday player as the Cards said he would? Rhetorical!
Stephen Piscotty – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .313. How does he do it? Does anyone know? Cause I know someone who doesn’t know.
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .271. The Superfluous H is taking his sweet time getting to his usual numbers, but he’s getting there. This is pointedly looking at you, J.J. Hardy.
Michael Wacha – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K. Maybe he can go in a playoff game against Matt Harvey and they can both decide to play kickball instead.
Pablo Sandoval – Out with pneumonia. The P is silent like his bat.
Hanley Ramirez – Done for the year. I look forward to laughing maniacally when someone else drafts him next year.
Wade Miley – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Coming to mind, Steve Harvey jumping up and down on Win, Lose or Draw screaming, “Miley,” *sigh* “Us Weekly!”
David Ortiz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer. With the loss of Yogi the other day, Ortiz is about the only player left from that bygone era.
Erasmo Ramirez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.65. Throughout this post I talk about how some top starters may not throw a full game again, but Erasmo is the type I could see going again for a full start, and as the Stream-o-Nator, says it’s favorable.
Kevin Kiermaier – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer, hitting over .300 in the last week, and stole two bases on Wednesday. My schmotato has a 2nd name it’s Kier-M-A-I-E-R.
Evan Longoria – 3-for-4 and his 20th homer. Last year, he played in 162 games, hit 22 homers. This year, he’s played in 150 games. I liked him better when he played in 130 games and hit 30 homers.
Kyle Gibson – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER vs. the Indians, so I guess it’s appropriate that I got a Cleveland Streamer. You know you’ve made a lovely choice of a streamer when you keep refreshing the box score, hoping the runs become unearned.
Torii Hunter – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer, has four homers in his last ten games and hitting closer to .350 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Eddie Rosario – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. He will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but you don’t need to wait for that. Act now, Meisner!
Carlos Santana – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. Not bad (if this were July!).
Jason Kipnis – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer as he returned from the 60-day DL– *intern whispers in my ear* Turns out Kipnis has been playing this whole time.
Cody Anderson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. He gets the Twins again in his next start, and the Stream-o-Nator dislikes it, but options are low this time of year, and I could see going with him.
Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks in Petco. He looked shaky early on, and I thought maybe the 500th inning over two years was the one that finally put him in the red, but alas.
Brandon Crawford – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 20th homer, and hitting just about everything since he returned from injury, so worth grabbing if someone dropped him. Fun fact! Brandon Crawford is what someone at the end of a bar crawl says they’re doing, in very slurred speech with a burp in place of the ‘ford.’
Alec Asher – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. an entire Marlins pitching staff (six pitchers) who shut out the Phils. Wherever the Phils go, 1-0 games follow.
Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks in 87 pitches. Another pitcher who might only see another five to six inning start in his next and last outing. It’s the time of year when you forget you drafted Hamels and wonder if your best bet is Tyler Wilson, Tyler Cravy, Tyler Wagner, Tyler Duffey or Tyler Florence.
Delino DeShields – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th steal. Here’s hoping he does nothing spectacular in the postseason, so he continues to fly under the radar. Why should we care? Oh, I don’t know, maybe cause he stole 83 bases one year in the minors. Okay, so I did know.
Prince Fielder – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .303. Can I put him on my “Do Not Draft in 2016” list right now?
Josh Reddick – 1-for-2, 1 run and two steals (9, 10). It’s kinda goofy that Reddick has ten steals, the same as Trout. Reddick shouldn’t be able to whiff Trout, said the Catholic school teacher.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.99. I’ve been telling you all year he’s an under-4 ERA pitcher! (He’s actually more like an under-3 ERA pitcher with some awful luck.)
Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. Also, in this game, Jacoby Ellsbury (0-for-3) stole his 20th base. I’m putting them together, because Beltran has the worst 18 homers and Ellsbury has the worst 20 steals on the season, if either those were actual benchmarks.
Trayce Thompson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Damn, I just dropped him from my team, too. I grabbed him the other day, because I’m married and after a few years you just start grabbing guys because they have female names.
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.48. There might be some value here next year, which is cool, except for the 25 different articles you’re gonna have to read titled, ‘Sale on Sale’ or ‘Discount Sale’ or ‘He’s No Dog, We Got A Bark Sale, Chris Pricelow.’
Jonathan Lucroy – Cleared to play. That was a big reversal from heading to see Dr. Morneau, island’s concussion specialist. I still wouldn’t bother owning Lucroy unless he shows something and has a favorable matchup.
Steven Matz – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks. Just think, from mid-October until about April, you can hear from the New York media about how in 2016 the Mets starters will be able to go into October next year.
Daniel Murphy – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Owned in too many leagues to be an official hot schmotato, but Murphy is about as hot as they come.
Jay Bruce – 1-for-4 and his 26th homer. As I said the other day, Bruce is getting hot at exactly the right time. That’s, of course, if there wasn’t an option for him to be hot throughout the entire season.
Adam Jones – Didn’t play again yesterday and went for an MRI. Mr. Mr. Jones, we have a “wring my hands of you” going on.
Zach Britton – His MRI showed no major damage. Yeah, and he still can’t pitch, so cheerio for now, Britton. Oh, and Darren O’Day got his third save in his last three games yesterday. Mean’s while, I got Doolittle and he’s been picking belly lint for the last few weeks. Belly lint may not have any face either, but it’s also not a category in my league.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .278. Member when I called him a sleeper this past preseason? Well, he has 15 homers in only 79 games and he’s gonna be a sleeper again.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. I told you, guys and five girl readers, he didn’t retire. Dur!
Tyler Wilson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Not a good option in any league and faces the Blue Jays next. With that said (Grey’s turning the ship around!), if the Jays have clinched and are resting guys and you have no other options, well, you do what you gotta do.
Wilson Ramos – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer. Damn, I almost batty called Ramos yesterday, but I got distracted and didn’t stream in any catchers. I need to get my priorities in order. That is nearly word-for-word my excuse to Cougs for not taking out the trash yesterday.
Danny Espinosa – Done for the season. As Roy Rogers would say when he was feeling especially persnickety, “Happy trails, you fails.”
