Dot dot dot. Kicks an end table. Picks up the phone. Dial tone. No one there. Flips the TV channel. Not really watching. Picks up phone. No one there. Flips the TV channel. Stops on a special about Tony Conigliaro. Sobs uncontrollably. Picks up the phone, dials, “Hello, I don’t want to be alone, please come over. This is Grey. Albright. Momma Stanton, I’m your son’s stalker. Please, don’t hang up. We need each other right now. Hello? Hello?” Guess it’s just us right now. It’s lonely without Giancarlo Stanton. And his mollywhoppers. God, how I loved those mollwhoppers. It’s late, I need rest, hoping for good news tomorrow. Giancarlo, mi novio, we sip from the same mug, even if you don’t know it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. OZUNA dedicate home run to Giancarlo. OZUNA sign returned home run ball for dedication. OZUNA sees stitches on baseball and cries.
Mike Fiers – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Look over your shoulder.
Ryan Braun – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. Hours of listening to Let’s Hear It For The Boy while silently lip synching in ‘Braun’ in place of ‘boy’ paid off.
Matt Clark – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer in as many games. He’s shown solid power in the minors and the Padres gave up on him, so there’s a chance here for something. The Padres don’t just give up on anyone, they only give up on the best! Clark’s prolly not much besides a temporarily hot bat. He looks like a Quad-A player who got into a pitch the last two nights.
Corey Kluber – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. At this point, if Kluber gives up a run, I expect to hear it’s a scorekeeper’s error, because Corey doesn’t make mistakes, scorekeepers do. True story that I saw on PBS on one of those Nova programs. In 1989, an Asian raver kid, Julie, broke open a glow stick to see what was inside. From some people, she had heard it was slime from You Can’t Do That on Television, other people told her it was antifreeze. Julie needed to find out for herself. So, she broke the glow stick in half and it turned out inside was a small nebula galaxy. When the galaxy hit the earth’s atmosphere, it created a vortex that swooshed around her like a 94 MPH fastball. Swoosh and swoosh and swoosh. Finally, when it came to a stop, the Asian raver kid, Julie, was wearing a catcher’s mask and mitt and Corey Kluber was standing beside her. She looked at him and he said, “Time to pitch.”
Yan Gomes – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. Was totally expecting him to play both sides of the doubleheader. Why, Fantasy Master Lothario, you ask. Because they play him every day. His knees are overused like the compliment ‘Meryl Streep is brilliant.’
Carlos Santana – 3-for-8, 3 RBIs and his 26th and 27th homers. Oye como yay!
T.J. House – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. House surgically removed the Twins, finally taking advice from Willie Mays Hayes II.
Kyle Gibson – 3 IP, 7 ER. Too bad that while the Indians were scoring runs they didn’t play on the Jumbotron a video of Kirk Gibson fist pumping in slo-mo. MLB really could take some cues from WWE. There’s no enough aggressive obnoxiousness in our game today.
Lance Lynn – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 2.73. He was the tough luck loser to Johnny Cueto (8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 2.15). Prolly for the best since the Reds pitchers will physically assault you if you try to outpitch them.
Chris Sale – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA down to 1.99. Yeah, he’s straight butter on Oprah’s thighs that Stedman’s hot-breathing on. On a real baseball note, does any team score 3-5 runs anymore? It’s like every game is 1-0, 2-1 or 8-1.
Marcus Semien – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. You know how a group of fans get together in costume to support one player, e.g., the Wolf Pack, Padilla’s Flotillas. When are we going to get Semien’s Facials?
Sean Doolittle – Expected back on Friday. The Saga of The O’Flaherty can come to an end. O’Finally.
Scott Kazmir – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Solid bounce back after a few miserable starts that made me think he was nursing an injury. The Stream-o-Nator is obviously excited about seeing him take on the RAAAngers in O.co. He doesn’t instill the same amount of faith as I had earlier in the year, but that’s still a no-brainer start. Hey, my specialty!
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-3, hitting near-.400 in the last week. He will be in this afternoon’s Buy column. I know what I’m doing this afternoon! I sensed some sarcasm there, Random Italicized Voice. No, I know what I’m doing this afternoon. Going for a haircut. Cute. What, you like my hair long?
Adam LaRoche – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer. Only thing better than watching LaRoche hit a homer, is watching it while Anne Murray plays in the background. Did I say that aloud?
Anthony Rendon – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. On our Player Rater, Rendon’s the 2nd best 2nd baseman and 2nd best 3rd baseman and within reach of number one. Yup, pretty incredible season. Two years ago, Segura was the number one shortstop. Okay, Cust kayin’, but still.
Bartolo Colon – 3 IP, 5 ER. Colon…Thar she blows!
Daniel Murphy – Left the game after being hit on the wrist. Were yesterday’s games sponsored by Target? Murphy’s wrist X-rays came back clean. If only Giancarlo was so lucky, they need all the King’s men just to put him together for the X-rays.
Tanner Roark – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K. Roark against Colon is a matchup Tattoo secretly dreamed about.
Alex Cobb – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 2.75. Had a no-hitter going until Krispie doubled. Damn, damn, double Krispie is delicious, but not like that, Young brother. Cobb has righted the ship, and looks like the starter I thought he was in the preseason without the wins, but there’s no accounting for those.
Yunel Escobar – 3-for-3, 4 RBIs and two homers (5, 6). Member when Longoria had games like that? I think it was three years ago when the Rays clinched the playoff berth. Escobar has been a tad hot, hitting over .300 in the last week. Could be a real short-term schmotato.
Brett Gardner – Sounds like he might come back this weekend. His final test will be saying, “Gardner’s come to rake,” and seeing if he says it only wincing at its corniness and not due to his abdominal pain.
Chase Headley – Left the game after being hit in the face. How many games was Fiers pitching in?
Krispie Young – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games (10th overall). As I said yesterday, Krispie gets smoking hot for extended periods of time. The platoon shituation in New York’s outfield isn’t ideal, so you may need to platoon him. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy, but he could’ve been. Hot schmotato alert!
Michael Pineda – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.20. There’s 40 pitchers with ERAs lower than 3.19 with at least 80 IP, and 62 pitchers with ERAs lower than 3.50. Yes, pitching is so deep. If you have an ERA over 3.50 in your fantasy league, you haven’t paid attention since May. Thanks for still reading though, that’s cool!
Dustin Pedroia – Underwent wrist surgery and expects to be back at the start of spring training. The pediatrician that operated on him said that it was the hairiest baby arm he’d ever seen, but was happy to finally get rid one of his rum raisin lollipops.
Brock Holt – Went to see a concussion specialist. The specialist’s name is Torii Hunter and he sprayed a water bottle filled with Gatorade on Holt’s head and now he’s as good as new. In the waiting room was Carl Everett.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-5, 2 runs, and expected to play 2nd base regularly the rest of the year. I’d like some of that eligibility for next year. You Betts I do! Ever get old? No, no it won’t.
Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Show of hands who thought he retired? Middlebrooks, why are you raising your hand? Oh! I see.
Clay Buchholz – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 5.19. Guarantee there will be people next year who ask about him. Buchholz could have a 4.20+ ERA in three separate seasons and people will still ask about him. Oh, wait, that’s saying the same thing because his ERA has been that bad in 3 separate seasons.
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. For the last week, I’ve been rollin in a Benz-o with Cain, Lorenzo. Junkies on waivers with a baseball bat, I tried to get away but I couldn’t get far cause a man with a tow truck repossessed my 5th outfielder. Oh, shizz, DJ Grey with the mash-up. Cain needs to be platooned for the days he sits, but is worth carrying if you have room.
Starling Marte – Left the game after being hit in the arm. If it would’ve been my arm, Giancarlo’s face would’ve been there, too.
Francisco Liriano – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks. This is funny (not funny). When I ranked Liriano as the 20th best starter, I gave him a line of 3.24/1.25/188. His line right now: 3.53/1.28/161. With three starts left, it’s conceivable he’ll come close on all three. Of course, he only has 5 wins, but he really turned his season around after his early struggles (had a 4.72 ERA on July 13th).
Leonys Martin – 2-for-3 and a slam (7) and legs (27). With Ron Washington run out of town on his own devil’s dandruff, I bet Leonys becomes a starter next year and puts up top 40 outfielder numbers. Really, the only thing stopping him now is the everyday counting stats.
Jake Peavy – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, ERA on the Giants at 2.29, ERA overall 3.93. Peavy playing his career in the AL? Journeyman. Peavy playing his career in the NL West: which cap do I wear on my Cooperstown plaque?
Buster Posey – 3-for-5, 1 RBI. Posey’s been solid right? 20 Homers, .309 average. He’s basically 4 homers, 20 RBIs and 15 base hits away from his MVP season. Does he feel like an MVP this year? No. Remember after his MVP season people were ranking him in the 1st round? So, since he’s that close to his MVP season, will people be foolishly ranking him crazy high again? My guess is yes, but since less people will be influenced by the MVP (not that it means anything for fantasy), I don’t think he’ll be that high. This was brought to you by Afternoon Musings wit’ Grey Albright, sponsored by Afrin.
David Peralta – Aiming to return Monday. I’ll make sure to mark my iCal on my iWatch cause my iTeam needs some very light speed and power, iThink.
Jake Lamb – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Forget Jake, it’s Lamb town. Hmm, not sure about that one. Lamb, you are a baaaad man. Scratch that. Jake, your shish kebobs are ready to be skewered! Yeah, that’s good. Now, I take a nap. *claps hands* I’m back!
Cliff Pennington – 2-for-3, 1 run. I watched a piece of this game yesterday and Pennington’s stroke is so quiet through the zone. Must be those years of playing golf at country clubs. Too bad Cliff Pennington never got to play with Brandon Webb, after growing up with his brother, Ty.
A.J. Pollock – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 11th steal, and his 5th steal in the last ten games, and hitting near-.400 in the last week. How many Pollocks does it take to turn on a hot schmotato? One Pollock to hold the hot schmotato, 400,000,000 to twist the stadium.