The Hilliards Are Alive With The Sound of Boomstick

Yesterday, Sam Hilliard went 1-for-4 with his 7th homer, and 3rd homer in the last 4 games. It’s no coincidence his hot streak started this week. Last weekend, Hilliard was dealing with a hitch in his swing and striking out even in batting practice. He saw Trevor Story (2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer) walking by and asked him for some help. Trevor responded, “Listen to me, I hate this organization and if you help me sell the stadium for one penny on eBay I will help you.” And that’s how Trevor Story helped Hilliard and how a 15-year-old in Fox Creek, Colorado came into possession of Coors Field. It’s been a crazy good week to grab an outfielder off waivers, huh? Olivares, Soler, Hilliard, oh my! More guys will be coming this afternoon in the Buy column, but Hilliard is here now. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Connor Joe – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Okay, been asking around and can’t get a straight answer, anyone know where Connor Joe came from or where’d he go?

Brandon Belt – 1-for-3, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL. When I go to a fancy restaurant, I also activate my belt.

Merrill Kelly – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.13. Streamonator doesn’t like his next start vs. the very same Giants, and next it’s in San Fran, which used to be a great pitcher’s park, but the Giants’ lineup has every surprise hitter in it. The Giants could turn Johneshwy Fargas into Johneshwy Bonds.

Tyler Clippard – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.29. Technically, it was a blown save, but the Dbags did him no favors by bringing him in with the bases loaded and no outs. Still think he’s a perfectly reasonable option for saves in a SAGNOF-there’s-a-lot-of-bad-closers-out-there-type way.

Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.49. When hitters see Nola, it’s like a beignet ready to eat — batter up! Sorry, it’s too painful to laugh. I’d rather cry! What an absolute shizzshow from Nola. Just brutal. If I told you all his peripherals say he should be better, would it make you feel great or much, much worse? Worse, right? Much, much? Yeah.

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer. How is he batting third for the playoff-hunt Phils and he has almost half the RBIs as Jesus Aguilar? Is this Bill Gates’s fault?

Carter Kieboom – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting near-.450 in the last week. “The Boom stays hot.” *turns channel to ABC* “Boom goes the Carter–” *turns channel to CBS* “After the break, a sneak peek of NCIS’s latest guest star, who is also one of the hottest hitters in baseball, his name rhymes with Farter Guyvroom.” *shuts off TV*

Josh Bell – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. Okay, we had a nice two-week respite from Juan Soto hitting everything at the 2nd baseman, but are we back there again? Did we need a bi-weekly Home Run Derby?

Juan Soto – Felt something in his knee. Something described as “pain.” Ugh, that’s what I get for making fun of him in the last blurb. Shutting him down when the Nats aren’t playing for anything is exactly the kind of thing I could see. We need a prayer hexagon right now for Sexy Dr. Pepper.

Joe Ross – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.02. Said last week about how Eric Lauer was one of the few starters this year who has been solid for deeper leagues, while not exactly lighting the world on fire in shallower leagues. Put Joe Ross down for another one.

Kyle Finnegan – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.07, and the blown save, as he allowed four unearned runs. Finnegan is going to stay the closer, because:  Why not? But if you look at just their lines, it’s not clear that Finnegan was much worse than Clippard.

Jonathan India – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer. India’s out there saying, “More like a tandooHRi oven!” And everyone’s like, “Huh?”

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Eugenio is now hitting 8th. He was leading off at one point this year! You don’t go from leading off to hitting 8th without a manager being a complete Ding Dong. With that said, Suarez is starting to heat up for power.

Joey Votto – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Wonder if Liam Hendriks ever sees Joey and screams, “Get back in my belly!”

Ender Inciarte – Signed with the Reds. The Reds can’t find a closer, but they got an Ender.

Mychal Givens – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.34, as he got his 1st save. Who clued in David Bell that the Reds traded for a guy who could close? Only took him a week to figure it out.

Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.44. This guy was cruising, pumping Public Enemy’s Shut ‘Em Down, just absolutely rolling, yet — again with some stank — YET! Sonny can’t ever throw a clean game, huh?

Gary Sanchez – Tested positive for Covid. Someone needs to put Gerrit Colevid in one of those clear booths they use to isolate a game show contestant.

Joey Gallo – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer, which went 347 feet down the right field line. I’d call it a pop-up, but that’s an insult to pops and ups.

Kyle Seager – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer, and 10th homer since June 30th, which was the same day Corey Seager was moved to the 60-day IL. *insert an emoji with a hand on a chin, scratching head with other hand, and, somehow, smoking a Cuban cigar with a third hand*

Jarred Kelenic – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .138, but hitting like 138 homers a day since he was recalled (two homers in three games). You can’t Jarred him up!

Framber Valdez – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.22. Framber’s struggling so much this was a layup matchup — latchup? — and he still was iffy.

Wade LeBlanc – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.02. Okay, the Cards are just showing off now by sprinkling magic pixie dust to get LeBlanc pitch well. Next they’re gonna get the monkey who co-starred (headlined?) the movie with Matt LeBlanc.

Touki Toussaint – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.43. Getting a lot of Touki questions, so let me say Streamonator doesn’t like his next one, but I would start him.

Austin Riley – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. He’s still hot? I thought it was Adam Duvall’s turn to get hot again. Wait, or Soler! Hold up! Joc Pederson hit his 14th homer yesterday, he’s getting hot now! The Braves’ outfield: Hot Boy Summer.

Jose Abreu – 2-for-4 and his 20th homer. Obviously, I insulted him yesterday when I said he couldn’t get to 30 homers this year.

Edward Olivares – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in four games, and pluck the pimentos out of your eyes and pick up Olivares!

Bo Bichette – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer. Boba Chette was playing against the team with Straw and I couldn’t watch. The thought of a Boba near a Straw. *shudders*

Adam Cimber – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.22, as he secured his first save. *insert Lion King pic* Cimber! This is one of the more puzzling saves. Romano has been overworked, so it makes sense he wasn’t available, but the guy the Jays went out and got at the deadline, Brad Hand, hasn’t pitched since Monday. Didn’t take long for the Jays to stop talking to the Hand.

Ross Stripling – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.43. Straw and Jo-Ram weren’t in the lineup, so a C-lineup was barely a D-lineup. By the by, what’s up with D grades then going to F? Why ain’t there an E? Is that Big Alphabet keeping down the E? Stay woke!

Delino DeShields – Signed with the Red Sox for cash considerations. That means the Red Sox will now decide whether or not to pay him.

Martin Perez – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.77. It’s Mar-teen, as in Far-teen.

Robbie Grossman – 1-for-1 and his 17th homer, then pulled after being hit on the elbow. To misquote Elvis Costello, “What is so funny about peace, love and the funny bone?”

Tarik Skubal – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.32. If I were Hinch, I’d freeze Skubal (and Mize) in carbonite until next season.

Braxton Garrett – 5 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.58. Streamonator doesn’t like him, which is so sad for him, maybe I can unbreak your heart, Braxton.

Rich Hill – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.92. Siri, please search “Dick Mountain in Miami.” *three minutes later* Siri, please wipe my computer’s hard drive.

Jared Walsh – Joe Maddon said Walsh will be activated soon. That intercostal strain healed pretty fast, only about three months quicker than Mike Trout’s hammy.

Dylan Bundy – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.14. You thought you could count out Bundy but you didn’t count to five.

Adam Eaton – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. Nothing can get rid of this guy. Truly the cockroach of MLB. Nuclear fallout spreads across the heartland. Electric’s been out for weeks, and a group of insurgents are discussing what the first thing is they can do to get the country on its feet again, when Adam Eaton raises his hand and says, “I can play right field.”