Sale Ushers In John Olerud Day And Tells Each Hitter To, “Go To Hell, Met”

This is my mea culpa on Chris Sale (8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.52). I said to avoid him and I blew it like I was Scott Blewett. Why was Sale left in to throw 116 pitches yesterday? That I don’t know, but my guess is Brian Snitker stopped watching the game as he’s prone to do. Either way, Sale does dazzles. He bedazzles one’s mind with pitching highlights. That’s just what he does. I should appreciate the wily vet who can dig down for a little something extra and stop thinking he’s digging his own grave. His numbers this year look as good as they always do for more than a decade now — 11.5 K/9, 2.6 BB/9, 3.03 xFIP, and I’d contend (for the featherweight title) he’s really more of a 2.50 ERA guy, due to a high BABIP, then he is somehow getting lucky. So, as snazzy as he’s pitching? He’s actually pitching that snazzy! Snazzier maybe. Full of snazz. With Chris Sale, there’s no smoke and mirrors, just jerseys and scissors. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. Tildaddy’s caught up to Grounder Henderson in three weeks. What sin do I do to have this feasted upon my lovely body? I want to make amends!

Matt Olson – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .251. See what I say way down below for Jo Adell and replace “outfielder” with “1st baseman, which is actually a much shallower position.” (Not a confusing way to read this post at all. I’m like the fantasy baseball Sphinx.)

Paul Blackburn – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.92. Imagine when Superman comes near kryptonite? That’s Jeremy Hefner with Paul Blackburn.

Emmet Sheehan – 4 IP, 1 ER, 3 his, zero walks, 6 Ks, as he was activated from the IL. He looked much better than I was expecting. 10 whiffs in all and struck out the side in his final inning. Bluntly, he looked electric. He had hideous command prior to Tommy John surgery, and that usually affects a pitcher’s command in a negative way at first, so, yeah, I didn’t rush out to add Sheehan anywhere, but I can see it now. He looked just flat-out dominant.

Will Smith – 1-for-1 and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in two games, walking it off because Robert Suarez can’t pitch in non-save situations but Mike Shildt likes to keep using him that way, I’m so aggravated.

Marcelo Mayer – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Wu! See, because the Mayor in Boston is Michelle Wu and his last name is Mayer. So, Wu! C’mon! Can’t you Read, Karen?

Trevor Story – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Story’s had a better June than May, then again, his May was the worst thing the sport of baseball ever witnessed.

Garrett Crochet – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.20. ERAs of 2.20 or lower with 125+ Ks for the Red Sox through 16 starts: Crochet and Pedro. That’s it.

Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Louie Castle always does better than I expect. Thus ends the one nice thing I say about him each year.

Bo Bichette – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Beating his preseason ADP a bit on the Player Rater. This is me doing a gut check and seeing if I need a gut punch. I don’t. (Yet.)

Eric Lauer – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.29. Last year in the KBO he had a 4.93 ERA and, honestly, I’m wondering how he even got a shot to pitch again in MLB. His numbers look good so far this year, but super small sample and I don’t think I’d trust him with your team, let alone my own.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.93. That was in 98 pitches. If you can’t get through five innings in 98 pitches, you need to watch 100 hours of Tom Emanski. Streamonator likes EdRod’s next, for what it’s Wuertz.

Maikel Garcia – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer. He might be the top 2nd baseman now on the Player Rater. It’s between him and Brandon Lowe. Oh, and down below in Lowe’s blurb, I say “Told ya!” but never explain what I “Told ya,” so I guess ignore it. Feel like Brandon Lowe Blurb Grey might’ve lost his mind briefly. Maybe he’s saying “Told ya” about how I wrote a Maikel Garcia sleeper. I don’t know. Told ya what?!

Kris Bubic – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.12. His ERA has definitely been coming up from his early season pitching line. Ya know, when he had an unsustainable 1.43 ERA.

Spencer Steer – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Maybe Steer is finally coming out of his early-season struggles. It would be welcomed by the 45.6% of people who still roster him.

Nick Lodolo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.71. “A complete game, five-hitter! Damn, okay!” Person who has only seen yesterday’s Reds’ rain-shortened game or watched doubleheaders during the pandemic.

Bailey Ober – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.54. “Wow, another complete game! Very cool!” Same person. So, I’ll be honest, maybe I drop guys too quickly, but I dropped Ober after his last bad start, and I am not losing sleep *pinkie to mouth* Ober it.

Byron Buxton – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. This is unrelated to him, but you know him — he’s been great this year and will invariably get hurt. What I wanted to say is I saw in the Twins lineup, Ty France is hitting 2nd. HA! And also LOL. And also LMAO. Okay. Sure.

Michael Toglia – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, and 89th homer since he was recalled. Who cares, get him now. Stop worrying about the inevitable slump and just grab him.

German Marquez – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 6.11. That’s vintage Nazi In Exile! So, uh, Nazi?

Jordan Beck – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .264. His last homer was on May 17th. See ya again on July 19th!

Mitchell Parker – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.59. …and we’re back to the Rockies being the Suckies! Let’s go!

Mauricio Dubon – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Fine, hot schmotato, but this was in Bing Bong Stadium.

Jose Altuve – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .277, 2nd homer in three games. Everyone should be able to call Bing Bong home for one year, and maybe if every team leaves their home for Vegas, they can.

Nick Kurtz – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 3rd homer in four games. [rips shirt off revealing an A’s logo] Are you not entertained?!

Justin Verlander – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.45 as he was activated from the IL. Must’ve been nice for him to return with the new high-powered offense. (I’m being sarcastic because they lost.)

Heliot Ramos – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .284. His June’s been fairly mediocre (1 HR, .255), but it’s the circadian rhythm’s of the baseball season. It’s why Justin Verlander left early to sleep and pee.

Logan Allen – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.21. Elias Sports Bureau said, “There’s more Logan Allens than can fit on one of our floppy disks. Also, we have to get off floppy disks once and for all. Can someone help us?” Their trivia this year feels scattered.

Daniel Schneemann – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. His last name feels like a half measure. If you’re gonna go with two letters doubled, go with all, Sscchhnneemmaann.

Ranger Suarez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.20. That’s what I expect from a starter facing the Marlins. Do you smell me farting in your direction, Luzardo?

Bryson Stott – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .237. Was more overdue than a block of funky gorgonzola. Was hitting .196 in June with zero homers and only four walks! I don’t know why that shocked me so much, but brah, wtf? Maybe he comes out of that gorgonzola funk, but wow.

Matt Strahm – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.86, and his 4th save, as Orion Kerkering (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.45) worked the 8th. And, as a person who watched this, I can tell you Strahm barely held on. I wouldn’t abandon Kerkering just yet, but it’s obviously not going to be made easy by Thomson.

Connor Norby – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .246. He’s actually been worse in June than Stott.

Adam Mazur – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, as the Marlins recalled Debi’s brother. He really only was done in by the Stott homer, but was also fairly meh. Reminds me of a Ben Franklin quote, “A Mazur of one’s aptitude for a meh starter is best measured by the depth of your league.”

Jo Adell – 1-for-3 and his 14th homer, hitting .220. If I can put aside my preconceived notions on Adell (I can’t), I’d say if he were hitting .250+ (he never will be), this would be a solid season.

Nolan Schanuel – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer, hitting .281. Saw someone on social media say Schanuel is having a decent year and I gotta say people’s definition of decent has really plummeted.

Ryan Yarbrough – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.90. He’s quickly slipped into: What does the Streamonator say and his home park is unforgiving.

Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. Also, in this game, Jazz Chisholm Jr. (1-for-4) hit his 10th homer. It’s actually fitting they’re tied together. Jazz is best enjoyed stoned and Cody always looks stoned.

Taj Bradley – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.95. More like Tag Bradley, because that’s what the O’s did. I’ve seen a few “That guy is headed for Tommy John by the end of next week” in my day, and that’s what Taj’s start looked like.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-1, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. He might be the top 2nd baseman on the Player Rater. It’s between him and Maikel Garcia — Told ya!

Colton Cowser – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (1), and 2nd homer in two games. That’s five homers in 16 games played, eff why eye.

Ramon Laureano – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Ramon Laureano has more homers than Gunnar Henderson. I repeat Roman Laureano has more homers…[starts drifting off because he no longer has the energy to continue] …than…[raspberries lips]

Cedric Mullins – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in five games and I just realized something because the rain wiped out so many games yesterday. MLB moved almost all of the Rays home games to the 1st half of the season to avoid rain and I don’t think it’s rained there once. Maybe I’m misremembering it, but doesn’t it rain all the time in Florida? It’s humid, that’s like it’s thing. That and gators. That, gators and American flag bikinis. That, gators, American flag bikinis and retired people from the East Coast. That, gators, American flag bikinis, retired people from the East Coast and fiiiiiiiiiiive golden tans, four bleached blondes, three intercostal gun shops that also sells fireworks, two strippers named Peggy and one parrot in a palm tree.