Felix Hernandez went 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.73 vs. Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.18. Or is that Bartolo Colon, weighing in at 518 pounds from parts unknown and ratios you don’t want to know? This matchup was billed as, “F-Her/Colon, rated NC-17. Or maybe simply NR, as in Not Recommended.” All kidding aside, F-Her’s fallen so far, Colon is outpitching him, and Colon is not outpitching anyone else. That’s a Trump tweeted, “Sad!” On the bright side, Rougned Odor (2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer) has rediscovered our love. Two years ago, Odor beat up Jose Bautista. Last year, he beat up his fantasy owners. This year, he’s beating back the beat like Vinny from The Jersey Shore. I’m glad I went back in on him because making up is sweeter than caramel honey on your bed sheets. (Is that an R. Kelly song? It should be.) I’d contend (for the featherweight title) that Odor really hasn’t done anything different this year. Yes, his walk rate is nearly double, but his BABIP has turned around. Here’s what that leads me to believe: You get a little bit luckier, so you don’t feel compelled to swing at everything, so you get more selective. It’s a self-fullfilling prophecy in direct opposition to what happened to him last year. Does this mean I’m going back in him for a third year in a row next year? Damn skippy! He can’t fail me again! (He totally can!) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jurickson Profar – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Here’s a good example as to why I can’t 100% jump in on Profar. He’s been solid since June. Odor has only been good since July, and his stats are blowing away Profar. Profar’s ceiling is like the 7 1/2 floor in the Mertin-Flemmer Building.
Adrian Beltre – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Speaking of low ceilings, Beltre’s changing ceiling fan light bulbs without using a chair. By the by, did you see Beltre and F-Her hamming it up yesterday? F-Her struck him out and started cackling, and Beltre joined in. Two opponents laughing it up? Nolan Ryan rolled over him in his American Flag-themed barn while wearing rawhide pajamas. Then, because F-Her sucks, and Beltre is slightly better, Beltre took him deep and F-Her’s face was like, “Hey, I thought we were just playing around.”
Kyle Barraclough – Was removed from the closer role. Bearclaw just wasn’t making the donuts. Don Mattingly said he will use a committee. Should use a committee to find where he misplaced his mustache. Hashtag never forget. I’d lean Drew Steckenrider as the favorite to take over the role. Adam Conley’s been good too, but feels like a clearcut second option.
Pablo Lopez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.32. Crazy talk if you think I’m starting Pa-Lop (very catchy) without consulting with the Stream-o-Nator first, but his peripherals are starting to round into form (7.1 K/9, 2.2 BB/9, 3.82 xFIP).
Paul DeJong – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. “We found DeJong in the back of the freezer with Thanksgiving leftovers. Think we should just chuck him, can’t salvage–Whoa! He’s showing signs of life!” I’m not sure if DeJong is finally fully out of his slump, but I’m definitely cyclops’ing him.
Miles Mikolas – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.74. Love the ratios, but when you have as many K’s in your name as you throw, it’s super yawnstipating. And I’m not even counting how I always wanna call him Mike.
Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.69. Not an easy matchup, and don’t want to be a hater (okay, I do), but he hasn’t had double digit Ks in a game since Opening Day last year.
Tyler White – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. White hit that homer off Ray Black. Later today I will be publishing my column at Mother Jones on the ramifications of White’s homer off Black. Is it merely a home run because White was trying to get away from Black? More later.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (5). Will throw a bullpen session on Saturday. Also, for Saturday, Ohtani’s iCal reads, “Get new elbow tendon.”
Jesus Aguilar – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. Quick, Counsell, get him out of the lineup!
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Moistasskiss!
Franmil Reyes – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. For power? Hot schmotato alert!
Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. So that’s why they’re batting him third (it still makes absolutely no sense).
Manuel Margot – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 5th homer. I was about to drop some Elias Sports Bureau massive knowledge on you about how the Padres were one of the best hitting clubs in August for the last few years. Then, I went back and looked at the actual stats, and this is why I don’t work for Elias. They were awful in August the last two years. Any hoo! Margot seems to be heating up.
Jameson Taillon – 9 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.63. It took balls to start him in Coors, but only a ball to pitch there.
Starling Marte – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .284. He’s great yadda3, but on a gripe only I likely have, can Starling and Starlin Castro get on the same page with the spelling of their names? It always trips me up. Can they compromise on an apostrophe a’la Starlin’?
CC Sabathia – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.49. In what was a night for old jalopies out doing their thang, CC’s been better than F-Her and Colon combined, i.e., CC me before F-Her/Colon, I have some advice for you.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. That homer put the Yankees up but they couldn’t hold the lead, due to Zach Britton blowing the save. How can a Yankee trust a Britton? C’mon, that’s common sense! Plus, where is Aroldis Chapman? Yankees had two separate save situations and they went Britton then Sonny Gray. I’m so confused I’m talking about this in my bae Giancarlo’s blurb.
Reynaldo Lopez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.30. Solid outing in what was a tough matchup. His next matchup gets much easier, according to the Stream-o-Nator, and I could see giving him a go.
Nick Pivetta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.51. He should be much better than his ERA purports, but he’s should’ve been better than that mother-purportin’ ERA for the last four months!
Nick Williams – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 16th homer, hitting .260. Williams has been frustrating to own and not own. Gone like this: He didn’t do anything, now he’s being benched, dropping him. Next game, he homers. Okay, I’ll pick him back up. Then nothing, and the cycle begins again.
Pat Neshek – 1 IP and the save, ERA at 0.73. Changing bullpen roles is how Kapler does burpees.
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4 and his 8th steal. So classic he goes from possibly hitting the DL to stealing bases. Almost as classic as him hitting 8th. Kiké really needs to hit cleanup? Not rhetorical, I’d love to hear Dave Roberts’ explanation.
J.D. Martinez – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 34th homer, hitting .328. You know what’s coming next preseason from me, right? I refuse to believe Just Dong can stay healthy one more full season, so he’ll either shake the injury bug like Nelson Cruz and Ian Kinsler did earlier in their careers, or I’ll finally be able to exhale with an ‘I told you so.’
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .264. I was thinking to myself, “Hey, handsome, you should grab Moreland and platoon him in your corner slot with Shaw.” What I should be thinking is, “Hey, handsome, me again, why don’t you own Moreland and Pearce? It’s foolproof like your mustache in a room filled with Cougars.”
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .211. He was hitting .167 in the last week with no homers. So, maybe JBJ is about to turn his schmotato to hot, but it hasn’t been there.
Josh Donaldson – News said Donaldson is close to sprinting workouts. Apparently, he just stands nearby without disturbing them.
Devon Travis – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer as he pulled over a motorist for no reason and exposed himself.
Ken Giles – 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Picking up right where he left off! Luckily, in Canada a 6.21 ERA is only 4.76.
Marcus Stroman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.20. Great, super, adjective, but he left the game with a blister on his middle finger. He said he should be fine, as this injury usually only sidelines truck drivers.
Phillip Ervin – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting near-.425 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert! Dot dot dot. When the Reds play him, which is not every day. Stupid Reds and trying to divvy out resources to everyone.
Adalberto Mejia – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.01. Don’t ask, won’t matter, because Mejia has a “stinging in his forearm.” Unless he’s part of the Killer Bees, I don’t think that’s great news.
Tyler Glasnow – 4 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.57 on the Rays. Easy, Glasnow, don’t ruin my sleeper post on you for next year. Before we start touching each other’s unmentionables, this start was vs. the O’s and he still can’t get to five innings. The Stream-o-Nator does like his next start though.
Trey Mancini – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. That’s his third homer this week, but he’s hitting .208 in that time, so, yeah, maybe schmotato, but not a resounding Mancini eff yeah!
Charlie Culberson – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer in the 1st game, and 7th homer in the nightcap of the doubleheader. Fun fact! Charlie Culberson sounds so much like a daytime talk show host sometimes he’s compelled to interview teen moms about their baby daddy.
Sean Newcomb – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.15. *kicks self* Should’ve just held onto Newcomb. *kicks self* Stop that–*sees ‘Kick me’ sign on back* This is the last time I tutor 15-year-olds in fantasy.
Kelvin Herrera – Gave up some runs and went for the mandatory blown save MRI on his shoulder. His handcuff, Ryan Madson was already owned in my leagues, so I went for the 2nd best choice in Justin Miller. You know what happens when you grab the 2nd best guy? He’ll give up 3 ER in 1/3 IP in the 7th inning today.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-9, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. After the game, Harper called his father and asked him, “Do you think you can send me a chef’s kiss emoji for my home run?”