Wishes Come True At The Ronald Macuñadonald House

Rarely does a fantasy season derive itself from an actual fantasy. An honest-to-goodness, real-life, sleepwalking-in-your-pj’s fantasy. A I-walked-in-on-Marisa-Tomei-and-she-was-like-come-join-me fantasy. Ronald Acuña Jr. aka Tildaddy comes home with Brillo pads you have to use your favorite shirt to clean the dishes aka The Truth is having a fantasy fantasy season. Can’t even remember the last time someone was a top fantasy player and seemed to be trying to accumulate stats. That is an absolute treat. Yesterday, he hit his 40th homer, and now his likely sole goal is to get to 40/40. Who wants to get stats for us, fantasy baseballers? No one usually! They’re all bastards!  But Acuña does! He has 123 runs and 99 RBIs from predominantly the leadoff spot. I’m sorry, I’m going to kiss my computer screen where you reside. He’s averaging 418 feet per homer; Trout and Gallo ‘only’ averaged 419 feet. Speaking of Trout, Acuña or Trout for 2020? On the Player Rater, it’s clearly Tildaddy. At an ADP of 5 this year, he was a steal! If only I owned him in one league…*wavy lines starting a dream sequence* Hey, look, I have Acuña on all of my teams. *turns to mirror* Oh my God, I’m bald! Damn you, O. Henry! *wavy lines* I hate ironic dreams. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Soroka – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.60. Mike Soroka rubs Old Spice on his neck, while talking about the WWE. That’s how he keeps the Regression Fairies away.

Austin Riley – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. I made him a batty call yesterday because I’m lucky as shizz and there really was no process if I’m being honest. Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good, which is also what Lucky Lee always says about his brother, Good.

Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.75. I mention in the Buy column coming this afternoon how Austin Nola’s been better than Aaron Nola, and I wrote that before this Nola start (okay, technically, I wrote it during this start). Nola is the Big Easy pitcher to face, and I wonder if this is a blip or where he’s headed for his career. My guess is blip, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried and about to start screaming that I ordered the Code Red.

Jean Segura – Left yesterday’s game with hamstring cramps. Solid way to end an already terrible season. Segura hurt himself hustling to 1st base, and hurt McCutchen earlier this year by not hustling. Maybe next year Segura can find a cruising speed and stick with it.

Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.86. With all the Yastrzemski festivities in this series, Bumgarner decided to get in the fun and pitch like a grandfather.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.53. Ed-Rod feels like he’s going to be difficult to pull the trigger on in 2020, but, when all the terrible pitching in the league is considered, Ed-Rod looks like a savior who’s not taking an L. This message was brought to you by the Church of Scientology. Have you had your personality checked recently?

Brandon Workman – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.98 and his 15th save. No joke, I had Workman in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I deleted him because I figure if we’re this late in the season, and you still haven’t picked up Workman, I’m not sure I can convince you now.

Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, which is a hot schmotato sighting, but he also left the game early, due to his bad knee. By the way, now there’s 265 players in the MLB with 10 homers, an easy record.  118 players with 20 homers, another record.  And 52 players with 30 homers, yes, a record. “Grandpop, tell me again about 2019, the year of the home run.” “There was a lot of homers.” “That’s a terrible story.” “It was a terrible season.”

Eric Hosmer – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer, hitting .275. MLB should draw a line that separates Hosmer and everyone who hit fewer homers. If you can’t hit as many homers as Hosmer, you’re cut from the league. A) Because Hosmer and homers anagrams perfectly B) Because Hosmer sucks. C) There’s no C.  Call it the Moe Line, because that’s what you get when you take HRs out of Hosmer. “Sorry, Lorenzo Cain, but you’re a Moe.”

Joey Lucchesi – 4 IP, 3 ER, 4.28.  Streamonator does like his next (last?) start, and I’d roll him out there, unless the Padres say Lucchesi is already sleeping with the fishes.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3 and his 27th homer, as he hit leadoff. HR to the Izzo!  I’m sorry, but didn’t he have a walking boot, like, four days ago? Did he just need to pay his past parking fines? Oh, I know this trick! He wants to pull a Kirk Gibson in the playoffs and hit a dramatic homer and use crutches around the bases.

Craig Kimbrel – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.95, as he was activated from the IL. Be interesting to see if the Cubs continue to use him, because, with how he’s throwing this year, I wouldn’t use him in the 4th inning of a blowout.

Cole Hamels – Won’t start Sunday due to shoulder fatigue.  It’s Italian, pronounced fah-tee-gay!

Kolten Wong – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring injury. Wong’s had a lot of hammy problems. Maybe Wong needs to stop trying to pork everything.

Jack Flaherty – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.96. So excited to draft him next year and have him be terrible in the 1st half again. That can’t happen, though, right? There’s no reason it would. Right? Okay, of course, it will.

Matt Carpenter – 1-for-2 and his 13th homer, hitting .227. Listen, I’m glad Carpenter is able to go out on his own terms in his last year–*intern whispers in my ear* He has a guaranteed-money contract until 2021?!

Domingo German – Accused of domestic abuse and hit the AL list — Administrative Leave? Yes. A Loser? Sure. Asswipe Lamer? That works. Abject Loathsomeness? You’re onto something!

Dellin Betances – Expects to be ready for spring training. Check out the ego on Betances, thinking he can recover from a torn Achilles like he’s a Greek God.

DJ LeMahieu – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer, and now is hitting a bazillion with RISP, and has 97 RBIs with 510 ABs coming from the leadoff position. This is the biggest career year from a DJ since Darude put out Sandstorm.

Cameron Maybin – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer, hitting .285. Maybin received 221 ABs this year, and did better than most. Whether the Yankees should’ve gave him that many at-bats and not more to Clint Frazier is a question for gingers everywhere to ponder. Clint Frazier (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) homered yesterday, his 12th, which he did in only 216 at-bats. Too bad he will never play full-time in New York. They should just trade him for a middle reliever this offseason and be done with it. Or maybe him, Bradley Zimmer and Domingo Santana can go start their own team, so they can get playing time.

Masahiro Tanaka – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.47, as the Yankees clinched the AL East title, pulling it from the jaws of Angels, which sounds like a dope EDM album. Why are the Angels in New York with eight games to go? Yeah, that’s a good pregunta. Nice schedule this year, MLB!

Andrew Heaney – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.10. That’s gonna hurt deep into the offseason. Y tho? — I’m now regressing to a 14-year-old texting. — Y tho? Y tho? Y…*falls to the ground in tears* tho?!

Cavan Biggio – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, 2nd homer in three games, and about the fifth mention of him in the last week. He’ll definitely be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but, outside of goofy ESPN leagues, I’m not sure I fully believe he’s available.

Austin Hays – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer, hitting .345. Nice to see the Orioles give Hays some at-bats in September. He’s only five years older than Acuña and the Orioles haven’t been playing for anything for three years, so it sure is awesome Hays is getting at-bats. Maybe next September we can get Mountcastle at-bats.

Kyle Gibson – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.88. This Opener guy is something! Does he have any history I should know about? First I’m hearing of him. Sounding it out, “Kuy-la Gibbs-on.” Hmm, interesting name.

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 38th and 39th homer. I own him in one league, but it’s for non-selfish reasons I want him to hit 40 homers. I just want Cruz to hit 40 homers from now until the ocean swallows Miami and California and we’re all murdering each other for shelter. So, until 2021.

Miguel Sano – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer. The Twins moved one home run in front of the Yankees with 289. I’ll be watching this race closely so we can see what number to scream at Manfred when we see him on the street.

Mitch Garver – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 31st homer. How much would you have bet that Garver would not hit 31 homers this year? $1,000? $5,000? All of your Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons?

Franmil Reyes – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 35th homer. Random Prediction Alert! Franmil’s going to hit 50 homers next year.

Mike Clevinger – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.54. Now that I’m officially over the back issue of Men’s Health regarding Clavinger’s back issue I’m excited that he only threw 120-ish innings this year. Next year he can ramp up to the heavens of 200 IP again!

Yusei Kikuchi – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.55. To misquote Lisa Loeb, “Yusei…I only hear what I want to…Well, I want to hear you’re a better pitcher but Yusei ain’t.”

Shed Long – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .282, and leadoff. Yes, he’s in Witness Protection and his real name is Broadside Barn. No, he won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because:  Shed Long. But he has been crazy hot, hitting near-.400 in the last week.

Joe Musgrove – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.49. I can’t wait until Joe Musgrove is traded off the Pirates and becomes one of the greatest pitchers of the last century.

Starling Marte – Hasn’t played in a week, and neither has Josh Bell, and they don’t seem like they’re on their way back. Why don’t the Pirates just announce they’re done for the year. Have you seen the Pirates organization recently? “We’re going to trade away Gerrit Cole, Charlie Morton, Austin Meadows and Tyler Glasnow, allow a pitcher to assault another pitcher then find out that pitcher sexually assaults children. Argh.” #TalkLikeAPirateDay