Turning on the TV, oh, lucky, it’s my favorite movie, Beaches. Wow, Barbara Hershey being selfless and allowing Bette Midler to shine. It’s so beautiful…Oh my God, what are these wet things on my cheeks? I’m crying tears of laughter and sadness that only the movie Beaches can elicit. Now, I am cutting pictures of Ohtani and Reid Detmers (7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.77) out of a magazine and pasting their heads on the TV. Now Reid Detmers is Hershey, and Ohtani, of course, is Bette. Detmers is cold in Ohtani’s shadow. Anyone would be, Ohtani is one of the best of all-time, like Bette, so you can’t compete with that, but Detmers can cheer on his friend, and have an 11.1 K/9, 3.4 BB/9, and 3.64 xFIP. He also has a 13.3% Swinging Strike rate. You know who else has a 13.3% Swinging Strike rate (at least they both did going into yesterday)? For one night, Bette wasn’t better. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Eduardo Escobar – Left his new club to go to Florida for a citizenship test. If he passes, he’ll re-join the Angels. If he fails, he’ll be bussed to Martha’s Vineyard.

Hunter Renfroe – Sat out yesterday. As Scooby Doo would say, “Renfroe!” It appears like he’s sitting too much for shallower leagues, and I’ve begun to move away from Renfroe. I like him a lot, but he needs to play.

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-3 and a slam (26) and legs (11). He leads the majors in homers and is a top 10 starter. I am laughing at his sheer audacity. I am saying outrageous like Jackie Chiles.

Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (zero walks), 10 Ks, ERA at 4.04. Dealin’ Cease.

Luis Robert – 2-for-4 and his 22nd homer, and 3rd homer in two games, and 4th homer in three games. Already took the L on calling him overrated. He can no longer hurt me. (It still hurts.)

Gunnar Henderson – Didn’t start yesterday, as the Orioles went with Ramon Urias and Jorge Mateo on the left side of the infield. The Orioles might Jokerify me.

Jordan Westburg – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was promoted. He played 2nd base, which is an interesting development. It makes me turn my head like I’m my dog, Ted, when I say, “Ted.”

Aaron Hicks – 0-for-2, 1 run as he hit cleanup. Have Hicks in one AL-Only league, where I actually considered benching Giancarlo for Hicks. If only the Yankees had that option.

Spencer Steer – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .282. Drafted Taylor Ward, but grabbed Steer off waivers in the same league when Jazz went down, and, it’s got me thinking. So much is about luck and when injuries hit. It just happened Jazz went down right as Steer was taking off allowing me to grab him. Of course, I wish I had Jazz, but a few days later or earlier and I might not have grabbed Steer. God take the wheel!

Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.86. Aces falling left and right and Castillo keep on carryin’ on.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, only his 2nd homer in June, and you don’t have to be an Eugenius to know he’s cooked.

J.P. Crawford – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!

Dominic Smith – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. It’ll never stop being funny to me that I put money on him to lead the majors in homers last year. Since that bet, he has a total of three homers. Cackling very loud.

Lane Thomas – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. He’s around a top five outfielder on the Player Rater. For the year!

A.J. Smith-Shawver – Was sent down. I guess ASS got dropped, so that means the Braves did a twerk.

Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .245, 2nd homer in three games, and third homer in five games. In April, he hit .091 with two homers. In May, nine homers and .297, and five homers and .315 in June. That’s a two-month heater.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .328. Tildaddy says cut it out or he’s coming back there!

Spencer Strider – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.73. Much like I think Elly De La Cruz can pass the Alien Test (person from other planet who doesn’t know baseball could look at Elly and know he’s great). Strider also passes the Alien Test.

Sonny Gray – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.67. Kinda thought last night was going to be the game where we saw the 3 IP, 8 ER regression game from Gray. You know in The Matrix when Neo is dodging bullets? That’s Sonny Gray but with regression. “Ooh, boy, what’s that? A bloop single with two men on?” Gray does a backwards pirouette away from the regression. “Not today, regression!” As the men stop, bases loaded with no outs, then three straight infield pop-ups.

Joey Gallo – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, hitting .185. He has six hits this month, and two are homers. He hit .165 in May. He hit .226 in April. The end of the shift did nothing for no one — agree, disagree, or no comment? It feels like of all the rule changes coming in, the shift was heralded as about to throw the most chaos on the scene, and I think it did less than everything else by a large margin.

Andrew Heaney – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.38. Here, Heaney, take this gas canister of petrol. If you’re going to be a dumpster fire, at least pour it all over my computer while it’s open to my fantasy team and set it on fire.

Adolis Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .258. The greatest to ever do it who was ignored while doing it.

Marcus Semien – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer. The Rangers should have an outfield section for fans called the Semien Splash Zone, which is a very murky pool that gets women pregnant. Should I trademark that?

Matt Manning – Will return on Tuesday. Don’t trust Ma-Ma in the dance, and your daddy don’t rock and roll.

Matthew Boyd – Threw a pitch in the 1st inning that caused him to grab his side and leave the game. He already gave up one homer before being pulled, and, when Boyd left in the 1st, I too grabbed my side for the meatballs my Rangers’ hitters would miss out on.

Andy Ibanez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting near-.325 in June, but he also tends to sit vs. righties, which reduces his fantasy value, said Mr. Exposition.

Jake Rogers – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Let’s see him face the DBacks’ Tom Hank and see who the real Mr. Rogers is. Once and for all.

Starling Marte – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 21st steal. It kinda feels like a guy stealing 40+ bags on a team that is disappointing as much as the Mets only cares about his fantasy value, which is awesome!

Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.11. Not sure what it means, but I watched this game and the hitters looked worse than the pitchers looked good. Verlander looks super hittable. His BDE has become “Watch as I get this guy to groundout” energy. The Brewers are not good, and the Mets looked worse.

Colin Rea – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.57. As I said in the above blurb for Verlander, like me with a tin foil hat trying to talk to aliens, there was lots of rinky-dink contact. Rea did not appear to be anything special. Streamonator hates his next one, and I don’t disagree.

Joey Wiemer – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .214. Wiemer was the only one to do any hitting for the Brewers. It was all they needed. It was like he went to the game by himself. Wiemer showing up at the party Bundestag.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – Activated from the IL. May all your hands be Jazz and may your toes not be turfed.

Jean Segura – Activated from the IL. Take that, you jokers who said he retired last year!

C.J. Cron – Activated by the Rockies on an off day. You’ll excuse me if I think this is just a ploy by Bud Black to have me put Cron in my weekly lineup, only to hear the Rockies actually said, “Not activate, we said captivate,” as in Cron was rehearsing Macbeth by his locker and everyone, including Brenton Doyle — a noted tough critic — was enraptured by Cron’s performance.