Oh my God, Drew Smyly is more like Smyly Corleone. Every time you think you’re out, he pulls you right back in. Fredo, you went against the family, and we can’t have that. “Smyly, is that you? Why do you keep calling me?” That’s Alfredo Griffin getting annoyed with Smyly Corleone. “I made them offer at a pitch they couldn’t refuse.” Seriously, stop Smyly Corleone! So, there’s always one pitcher (sometimes more than one) that befuddles and seduces, seduces and befuddles. Justin Masterson carried the torch for a while when he was Justin Masterson: Passive Aggressive Starter. Now, Drew Smyly seems to be carrying that same damned if you do, damned if you don’t torch. Yesterday, his line was 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners with 12 Ks. On the year, his K-rate and walk rate are 10.3 and 2.2. Those are ace numbers. Unlike a lot of other big strikeout guys and actual aces, Smyly doesn’t throw very hard and seems to tire after about two starts in a row. His ERA on the year is 4.75, but that’s absurd, as in I will absurd you while you’re on waivers. But, ugh, that K-rate, that walk rate, it’s hard for me to resist and if he was dropped in your league, I could see giving him another chance, but I’d be wary of matchups because I just don’t see him overpowering most teams when he’s not working on ten days rest. He just doesn’t throw hard enough. I.e., leave the speed gun, take the cannoli. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Taijuan Walker – Expects to make his next start after being diagnosed with posterior tibial tendinitis, which WebMD describes as “sore from a foot in your ass.” Though, that entry is user-generated, and I wrote it.
Mark Teixeira – Aiming to return next Friday. Like a dolphin in Japan, I wait with bated breath.
Ivan Nova – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.77. In related news, Luis Severino apologizes for not calling back Trudy Steinbrenner after their torrid affair. Can he return to the rotation now?
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .290. What’s that, Cougs? Why didn’t I make the bed? Would you believe that I did, but there was a Torenado that swept through? No, huh?
DJ LeMahieu – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .323. If he were on another team, he’d be Omar Infante. In Coors, he’s Big Baby Jesus. Wait, that’s Odubel.
Jose Reyes – Designated for assignment, which means the Rockies will eat $40+ million of his contract. In an odd bit of trivia, Jerry Seinfeld named his dog, Jose, after Reyes. I hate to hear what Michael Richards calls Jerry’s dog. Charlie Blackmon? Butch Wynegar?
Kolten Wong – Now has four homers in six games in the minors while playing the occasionally center field so he can return to the majors eventually and make Randal Grichuk further ask, “Seriously, what did I do wrong?”
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.78 vs. Collin McHugh – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.89. This matchup was billed as, “If you fell into a coma for three months after drafting both of these guys, your team ERA lowered, but you’re still in last place. And get A.J. Pollock out of your lineup!”
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs, hitting .198. Hasn’t really done anything amazing, but feels on the brink of breaking out of his slump, so if you want to buy him low, you better act quickly.
Oliver Perez – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and the blown save, because Dusty tried to play the percentages. Those percentages were, “There’s a 100% chance I screw all fantasy baseball owners of Shawn Kelley and my own team if I try to outthink the obvious move in the ninth, and zero percent chance this makes any sense.” Now, because of Dusty trying to impress his toothpick with 9th inning bullpen moves, Kelley (1 2/3 IP, 0 ER) won’t even be available for a game or two. If the idea was to limit Kelley’s innings, well played!
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.90. I hated him last year, but love him this year. Yeah, I’m more shameless than Hammer dancing for popcorn chicken.
Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.26. Hard to get angry at that, but let me try! Why did he only throw 84 pitches? Maddon wearing Freezy Freakies? Cause he’s using some serious kid gloves with Hammel.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Ben Zobrist – 1-for-5 and his 9th homer. I kinda wish I owned the entire Cubs lineup. Well, I can do without Addison Russell (2-for-4, 1 RBI), and I sorta hate Heyward (1-for-5), but, ya know, everyone else. Including their pitchers.
Jose Iglesias – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting over .400 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Tim Anderson – 3-for-5, 3 runs, hitting .320. If you gave up on him after one game, you might’ve wanted to wait a little while longer.
Starling Marte – When diving for a catch, he was hit by a one-bounce liner off his face and left the game. Didn’t look serious, but the Titanic was a one-bounce ocean liner, so it’s worth monitoring.
Jeff Locke – 4 IP, 7 ER. Bring up Taillon! Oh, wait, we don’t need to do that anymore. Oh, Wait, Part II, Still Waiting: Bring up Glasnow!
Juan Lagares – Late scratch with a thumb injury. Would’ve been an early scratch if he used his index finger.
Kelly Johnson – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Fun fact! Kelly Johnson is the Jane Doe name for transgender females.
Wilmer Flores – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I’m completely cyclops’ing this guy, because he does have 15+ homer power and will get those long balls at some point. Which is also what could be said to any man.
Noah Syndergaard – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks. If every start could only be that easy. *sees his 1.91 ERA* Oh, well, okay.
Corey Kluber – 5 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.23. I like it better when my all-over-the-effin-map starters are trying to get on my good side vs. when they are pissing me off. Hayzeus Cristo, just have a month straight of good starts, please!
Rajai Davis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. I picked up The King of SAGNOF about six weeks ago and held onto him. His stats on my team: 22/5/15/.286/9 in 112 ABs. That’s around a solid number three outfielder.
Omar Infante – Designated for assignment. Oh, no, this could be the end of Hispanic Baby Omar. If that’s true, I’ll miss you, HBO, but what were you thinking with The Brink, Ballers, True Detective season 2 and the last four seasons of Girls?
Whit Merrifield – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .330. Don’t you want to own the whitest-sounding guy to ever play baseball? “Hey!” Sorry, David Eckstein, my bad.
Freddie Freeman – 4-for-7, 2 runs and his 11th homer as he hit for the cycle. Okay, I’ll stop making fun of you now that you have a full 22 RBIs (almost what I got from Rajai in 130 less ABs).
Anthony DeSclafani – 2 2/3 IP, 1 ER, but gave up three unearned runs to the Atlanta Barfs. Not sure I understand everyone’s love for this guy. Y’all remember DeSclafani had a 7.3 K/9 and 4.05 ERA last year in 184 2/3 IP? That’s pretty whatever.
Jose Peraza – Hit leadoff. Yay! Went 1-for-6, 1 RBI. Lowercase yay. Stole a base. Um, yay, but 1-for-6, really?
Jake Smolinski – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in four games and has been hitting around .400 in the last week. Hot Smolinski! Which sounds like a nickname for kielbasa in Milwaukee.
Robinson Chirinos – 2-for-4 and his 3rd and 4th homers and 2nd and 3rd in two games. Ugh, now I’m even switching out my catchers. Goodbye, Nick Hundley!
Rougned Odor – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homers. He really knocked that one out. Don’t flinch, Bautista.
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.54. As I said last time he pitched *searches the site, gets distracted, ends up watching 30 minutes of a Morgan Fairchild exercise video* Okay, not sure what I said, but I will say that Gray isn’t a 5.50+ ERA pitcher, so he can be better. Just wouldn’t want him on my team waiting for the good stuff.
Hector Santiago – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.30. Was thisclose to streaming him yesterday per the Stream-o-Nator, but I — tell ’em, Biff — chickened out.
C.J. Cron – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. I’ve been accused of trying to make Cron a thing like fetch, so I’m moving on. (Love him though!)
Kevin Gausman – 3 IP, 6 ER. You know those drunk driving commercials where it ends in disaster and it says, “Next time this could be you.” Well, there should be a commercial where Gausman owners talk to the camera, describing their anguish, warning those who own AL East pitchers. “You’re having a good time, minding your own business. Thinking, ‘This couldn’t happen to me,’ then bam! Out of nowhere, your ERA and WHIP are ruined. This was brought to you by FOALE, Fantasy Owners against the AL East. Get your horses elsewhere.”
Adam Jones – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, as he continues to hit leadoff. Could possibly be the worst type of hitter for a leadoff role. Not like Showalter and Jones don’t know each other either. Unless Showalter was hit over the head by Dusty Baker’s toothpick.
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .275. This guy really fell off the face of the earth, right? Imagine if he were on a lousy team. He’d have two homers and 18 RBIs while hitting .220. I put that through my “What if they were Padres” calculator.
Steven Wright – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.22. How hilarious would it be if he won the AL Cy Young. Okay, not actually funny, unless The Big Bang Theory puts in their laugh track.
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-3, 3 runs and a slam (17) and legs (2). Now has five homers in his last five games. Going through one of those wonderful stretches sluggers go through. A time when all is right in the world, including that damn drippy faucet! Cougs, can we do something about that?
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (16) and legs (5). Uh-oh, the Blue Jays’ offense is starting to click. *sees they were against the Phillies’ starters* Okay, could be a combination of factors.
Marco Estrada – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.58. Marco Estrada had a career renaissance like Erik Estrada wished Armed & Dangerous had been.
Vince Velasquez – Played catch on Tuesday. He said, “Everything is clicking pretty well.” Hopefully he means that as in everything’s going well and not, “My shoulder clicks when I throw, hey, look at that gorgeous water well.”
Cody Asche – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, also lead waiver wire guys in steals for the past week. Could be a very light schmotato.
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.10. Liked him in the preseason, seemed so obvious to draft him — ipso drafto — yet I don’t own him anywhere. I’m dipso dafto.
Matt Duffy – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .251. Was expecting to call Duffy a hot schmotato yesterday, but then he went hitless on Tuesday for the first time in a week, but he’s back at it, and definitely worth grabbing. Maybe that’s Duffinitely.
Gregor Blanco – 3-for-6, 2 runs, as he hit leadoff, and has five hits in his last 10 at-bats. It’s Ben a Revere struggle for Denard, so could see Blanco or even Angel Pagan (3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI) get some time at the top of the Giants’ lineup.
Joe Panik – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 5th steal, hitting .268. Not to disparage Panik or any Giants hitter, but some of their newfound hitting can be directly attributed to the Brewers’ pitching staff. Jimmy Nelson (3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.92) has been one of the better ones (actually, only halfway decent one), and even he got lit up yesterday.
Kenta Maeda – Hopes to make his next turn in the rotation. I hope he does since I just traded for him. I’m an only child, this is about me.
Clayton Kershaw – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.58. Didn’t have his best stuff yesterday, which makes it even more insane how good he is. I have a suggestion for Dodgers fans. They should dress like priests and take signs to Kershaw’s starts that read, “Claycify,” which takes his first name and calcify which means to harden, then scream it like they’re screaming testify. Oh, it’s not that convoluted!
Brad Ziegler – Diamondbacks are fielding calls from other teams on their closer. Maybe they can trade him for James Shields. “So, a 5.45 K-rate is good, right?” “First, Dave Stewart, no, it’s not good. Second, that’s his ERA.”
Shelby Miller – Expected back on Monday. “Hoping he can continue to put up big numbers.” Jesus, Dave Stewart, you don’t want a big number for an ERA!
Patrick Corbin – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.76. Don’t love owning Giancarlo in one league, my love for Delino didn’t end well, but expecting Corbin to stabilize my pitching staffs this year has been one of my biggest regrets. You’re rue’ing me!
Rickie Weeks – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .244. About a week ago, he had a two-hit game with a homer too. Too bad his name isn’t Rickie Daily.
Melvin Upton – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Now has two homers in the past three games. Wanna depress yourself? You would’ve been better off confusing the Uptons in your draft, and taking Melvin in the 2nd round.
Fernando Rodney – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 13th save. His season ERA is 0.00. Malcolm Gladwell should write an addendum chapter to Outliers that is only about Rodney’s first six weeks.
Giancarlo Stanton – Sat out once again yesterday, and 2nd time in his last four games. Either he’s injured and Stupidon Mattingly should DL him, or they should play him. I get that he’s struggling, but how does he come out of a slump on the bench?
Jose Fernandez – Will be skipped in his next turn in the rotation in order to limit his innings. S’cool and all, but we’re in June. Can they just shut him down in September? I mean, it’s not like the Marlins will be in the playoff hunt. Doesn’t it make more sense to let him pitch all the way through than shutting him down and starting him up again? Is this Stupidon at it again?
Ichiro Suzuki – 2-for-5, 1 run. He collected his 4,257th professional hit across his play in Japan and the MLB, which means, if Japan merges with the U.S. for the supercountry of Japunited States, Ichiro is the new Hit King. Before you scoff at our new name, you know Trump would immediately nix Unipan because it sounds too much like a Spanish language station.
