Padres Increase Playoff Odds With A Sacrifice To The Relief Gods

A walloper of a trade deadline day! The biggest winners, losers and–Hold on, getting an iCal reminder. Oh crap, I was supposed to remind the Dodgers that the trade deadline was yesterday. Crap! Okay, will you guys pretend it’s actually today and not yesterday? Seriously, I’m gonna be in big trouble! I really don’t understand how an entire team could sleep through the deadline. Oh well! So, onto teams that didn’t sleep through it! Mason Miller was traded to the Padres, as speculated first here after reading context clues elsewhere! Grey: Context Clue Reader. You can shorten it to CCR. Guess he’s just a fortunate son, I think as I’m lookin’ out my back door–Okay! Mason Miller moves to the Padres and Robert Suarez stays the closer, and Miller becomes his setup man, until Suarez loses a few saves, maybe. Trade deadline is crazy. In SacTown, Jack Perkins got the save on Wednesday, and looked solid enough. It could be Michael Kelly, who has hilariously awful peripherals, or I guess Sean Newcomb, but he’s a lefty and Newcomb is same as the Oldcomb, won’t get fooled again. Why am I reciting 70’s lyrics? That’s almost as dumb as sleeping through the trade deadline. Maybe the Dodgers figured they spent a billion dollars on their team and trading too would be unfair. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

JP Sears – Traded to the Padres. If only there was some way of seeing this coming…[sees his name] Just Padres Sears?! That’s what it is?! Oh no, it’s not. Just Parking Sears? No, that’s Reese McGuire. Meh, whatever. So, San Diego gets a Sears to go with their middling Little Italy. Snap! I snapped them! No? No snap? Okay. Sears had a 4.95 ERA, but only 4.55 in away games! Streamonator guy for almost all leagues.

Freddy Fermin – Traded to the Padres. Padres have such a little brother complex they went out and got a guy that sounds like a Dodgers superstar.

Ramon Laureano – Traded to the Padres. Ramon Laureano returns to California where it all began. It being him getting a fat hookup with some PEDs. Reach out to your boy after the season, Ramon! This is a solid move for the Padres, but Petco is a worse park than Camden, and he’ll likely be relegated to lower in the order than where he was hitting in Baltimore. Not a fatal blow to his fantasy value though. I bet he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column (if he’s rostered in under 50% of leagues)!

Ryan O’Hearn – Traded to the Padres. Padres got Irish Gavin Sheets. Call him O’Sheets. Told bad he wasn’t in Baltimore with that name. He could’ve been O’Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. Assuming he’s going to platoon, though I’m not exactly sure with who, and this hurts the original Sheets’s playing time. O’Sheets stays pretty much same for fantasy value.

Will Wagner – Traded to the Padres. Are the Padres sure he’s old enough for them?

Nestor Cortes – Traded to the Padres. Padres have a 75-man roster.

Leo De Vries – Headlined the Mason Miller move, going to the A’s. I’m sure Itch will have all his thoughts on Sunday, but this sounds like a solid get. Then again, De Vries was the highest-ranked prospect to be traded at the deadline since Eloy Jimenez, which is saying all I think needs to be said about holding prospects. You think it’s impossible to know what a Major Leaguer is going to do year to year, wait until you get into talking minors.

Alex Call – Traded to the Dodgers. Dodgers needed everything and got Alex Call. Incredible. Maybe they were ordering a wake-up call. Oh, crap! That is my bad!

Brock Stewart – Traded to the Dodgers. He’ll work middle relief, as an Opener, as a closer, does he have a medical degree for their injured pitchers? Seriously, the Dodgers seeing only three healthy pitchers on their team, and thinking, “Yeah, we’re good,” is wild.

Miguel Andujar – Traded to the Reds. Yankees fans, “We could’ve sent Andujar for fookin’ Skenes!” By the way, if you’re a bad corner infielder, do you want to play for the Reds? They’d love to have you. Guessing Andujar platoons with everyone, and has no value outside of NL-Only.

Elly De La Cruz – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .285. Gonna be cool to see E! make a run for the playoffs now that the Reds got Miguel Andujar and Ke’Bryan–Ow, eye roll headache!

Ke’Bryan Hayes – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .235. Oh, hell yeah! He’s good now! (Voice inside my head, “No, he’s not.”)

Spencer Steer – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. This was an insane game. It was 3-3 in the 8th, then was 11-11 in the 9th. That’s bizzonkers.

Andrew Abbott – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 2.15. It’s scary how bad the Regression Fairies want a piece of Abbott and the universe keeps fighting it. Stay strong, universe!

Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.68. Oh, yeah., I see why the Braves didn’t sell Ozuna and others. Makes sense!

Oswald Peraza – Traded to the Angels. Angels should be taken away from Perry and Arte for their own good.

Steven Matz – Traded to the Red Sox. Can fans veto a trade?

Dustin May – Traded to the Red Sox. With the results they’re getting from Walker Buehler, why wouldn’t they? The good news for Dustin May, he doesn’t need to wear a hat to rep the Red Sox. This is one of those trades that gives me shudders thinking about May pitching in Fenway.

Willi Castro – Traded to the Cubs. Every team needs a Willi Castro, but only one team has one. Cubs good, they did; Yoda speaks, I am. His fantasy value doesn’t change anywhere he goes. He’s just super utility Willi.

Taylor Rogers – Traded to the Cubs. Pittsburgh had to trade him, already had a Rogers in the neighborhood.

Ryan Pressly – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to say he’s really Taylor Rogers and to stay with the team.

Brandon Lockridge – Headed to the Brewers for Nestor. Not really sure what the Brewers were doing here. Maybe they felt naked without their “should be good but is not” outfielder with Garrett Mitchell out.

Shelby Miller – Headed to the Brewers with Jordan Montgomery. They’re a pair, I guess. Welp, my fantasy closers of Shelby Miller, Helsley and Suarez are looking a little shaky!

Jackson Chourio – Hit the IL with a hammy injury. Why does the Fantasy Baseball Overlord smite us?

David Bednar – Traded to the Yankees. There’s literally no way this could backfire. Going from the bright lights of Pittsburgh and all the pressures to protect a 3-1 game with 19 people in the crowd and 12 of them are there because they got so drunk at the previous night game that they puked on themselves and their friends put french fries on top of the vomit because that’s a Pittsburgh thing, while the Pirates are down 19 games in the Wild Card race vs. the Yankees, where the fans are very forgiving. Nope, no problem I see here happening. I’d guess Devin stays the closer in the Bronx, but Yanks going to Bednar for a few weeks, until he sucks, could happen. This will make Dennis Santana the Pirates closer.

Camilo Doval – Traded to the Yankees. So, the Yankees have five closers. That’s a little nuts. This makes Randy Rodriguez the Giants’ closer, but can’t rule out Ryan Walker.

Jake Bird – Traded to the Yankees. Bird will be used in middle relief and to flip off fans. Rockies get back Roc Riggio and Ben Shields. The latter is the the child of Ben Sheets and Jake Shields. How fast they grow up.

Jose Caballero – Traded to the Yankees. Maybe Volpe will teach him how to play D. I wouldn’t be shocked to see Caballero go into a platoon, utility role, play everywhere, even though Volpe should. My guess is playing time will be less for Caballero, but fantasy value might not change dramatically. Hard to say.

Ben Rice – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .230. He’s so startable if he has catcher eligibility, and so terrible if he doesn’t.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. He also took out Aranda on the basepaths because I don’t have him in any leagues. Thanks, I guess.

Marcus Stroman – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.23 vs. Ryan Pepiot – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.80. One pitcher’s team was buying and one’s was sorta selling. The one buying had the 6.23 ERA, but the other one gave up 7 runs, so I guess there’s that.

Adrian Houser – Traded to the Rays. Aside from his 2.10 ERA, his numbers don’t look that good, but if he keeps guys off base and Rays sprinkle magic on his head, he could have matchups appeal.

Griffin Jax – Traded to the Rays. Tombstone reads, “Griffin Jax, Closer: 7/30-7/31.”

Jonathan Aranda – Will miss some time, after hurting his wrist colliding with Giancarlo. Was he protecting my honor? Swoon.

Danny Coulombe – Headed to the Rangers. I do love his coffee.

Merrill Kelly – Traded to the Rangers. Feels like a B-level move that actually turns out to an A-level move. Sneaky, and good. You’ve been approved! If I were in an AL-Only league and I could get me some Kelly, I’d fill my belly! What a poet! No, seriously, this is awesome. He’s underrated and Arlington is good for pitchers.

Phil Maton – Traded to the Rangers. Maton’s stint as Cards’ closer lasted almost as long as Jax’s stint as Twins’ closer. Will Maton see saves in Texas? I highly doubt it. Bochy seems to like Garcia now, after taking two months to land on him. I’d try to hold Maton and Garcia, if I had room.

Kumar Rocker – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.74. Hopefully Merrill Kelly replaces him.

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-4 and his 42nd homer. That’s 42 homers before August. For a catcher. Judge had 42 homers on the same date when he hit 62 homers. Giant ass jokes aside, this is crazy.

Cole Young – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Cole world!

Cedric Mullins – Traded to the Mets. Mets get their elusive decent third outfielder. Mullins is a perfect complement to that team, and finally puts Starling Marte, Tyrone Taylor, Acuña, you name the guy on the bench. Think this is the biggest hitter going from the AL to the NL, but results may vary with the O’s hitters who went to the Padres.

Ryan Gusto – Headed to the Marlins. Finally, the Marlins have a chance to do something with Gusto! [ducks out of the way of the giant cane trying to pull me off the stage] Too fast! Knowing the Marlins, Gusto will go into the rotation until he’s arbitration eligible. He’s fine for NL-Only, but backend starter at best.

James Outman – Headed to the Twins. Sweet, how does platooning sound? Hold up! Went to look at the Twins’ lineup now, and management might’ve finally stopped Baldelli from platooning, because they only have six players total. Kody Clemens is their third best hitter. Twins announced a select number of lucky fans chosen at random will be playing for them the rest of the year. Good luck to everyone, and a special good luck to Guardians pitchers trying to get these lucky fans to not swing at balls out of the zone.

Taj Bradley – Headed to the Twins in the Jax trade. If he were going to the Twins from anywhere else, I’d be intrigued, but if the Rays can’t fix an arm, I’m nit sure the Twins can.

Cole Sands – New Twins closer for their two-point-five games they’re due to win now.

Shane Bieber – Traded to the Jays. This Bieber Swag PR tour just went international! Shame Bieber’s leaving Cleveland before he even had a chance to get wrapped up in a gambling probe. This move is one of those rare moves that I like for real baseball, but don’t really care that much about for fantasy. If Bieber can come back and look solid by mid-September and for the playoffs, this is huge for the Jays. If you have room for fantasy, stash away, can’t hurt, but rarely do injury stashes work out as you think they will. See every pitcher in the history of baseball as an example.

Ty France – Traded to the Jays. Yeah, France to Canada. No kidding! Enjoy le trade acquisition, you big ol’ Frenchies!

Louis Varland – Traded to the Jays. Pretty interesting of the Jays to add to guys who sound French. Not saying there’s something sneaky going on here, but if they’re wearing berets to play baseball and using kilometers, I’m shutting off my TV.

Anthony DeSclafani – Will take Merrill Kelly’s rotation spot. Cool, who’s going to fill the 17 other holes int he DBacks’ lineup?

Stephen Kolek – Traded to the Royals with Ryan Bergert in the Fermin deal. Most of the “Meh, who cares who the Yanks sent to the Pirates” deals I ignore, but this has the makings of actually working out better for the Royals than most under-the-radar deadline moves. You know I love the Royals’ pitching coach, whoever it is, and Kolek and Bergert could be the next, sneaky Wacha-Lugo-Bubic. Color me intrigued.

Bailey Falter – Traded to the Royals. Until the Royals prove me ill-advised, I like starters going there. Is Falter now Sandy Koufax? Maybe, but the latter is 89. Definitely worth an NL-Only bid, at worst.

Mike Yastrzemski – Traded to the Royals. Carl’s Jr. Jr. putting in work behind Bobby Witt Jr. Nostrils flare. Let’s go! [realizing Mike Yastrzemski is pretty boring] Oh well, I tried.

Robert Hassell III – Called up by the Nats, along with Shinnosuke Ogasawara, Orlando Ribalta, Ryan Loutos and you’ll never know if I made up any of those names.

Kyle Finnegan – Traded to the Tigers. Does this kill most of Vest’s value, but without flair, Vest lacked value? Or does this kill Finnegan’s value? My guess is Finnegan is the closer, but I’d hold both until it’s clear. Also traded to the Tigers’ pen was Paul Sewald and Rafael Montero. Finnegan’s departure from Washington likely means Jose Ferrer becomes the favorite to step in as the Nats closer, and as a guy who sounds like he played the villain in a 1940’s noir thriller starring Joseph Cotten and Agnes Moorehead, whose character was listed as The Dame.

Charlie Morton – Traded to the Tigers. Chazz Chuck to the Joe Exotics! Uh-oh, GreyBot500 is breaking down! Too many trade moves! Must begin to wind down!

Jesus Sanchez – Traded to the Astros. Astros were never properly punished by Manfred, but now they’re gonna have their come-to-Jesus moment. Love to see Sanchez finally tap into some of the power he never really showed in Miami. I’m a fan, but wish he was a righty in The Big Radish. Meh, can’t be worse than hitting for the Marlins, let’s be real.

Carlos Correa – Traded to the Astros. Meeting Correa at the airport was his old friend, the trash can. They stopped to take pics while people pointed and laughed, but those people didn’t understand the special bond they had. They had become World Champions, together. So, with Isaac Paredes out 6-7 months with one of the worst hamstring strains I think I’ve ever heard, Correa agreed to play 3rd base. Well, sure, until his ankle/plantar fasciitis/you name it sidelines him. If I’m being sincere, it’s cool to see Carlos Correa go back to the Astros. Never felt right that he left. Was like when a faction broke off from al-Qaeda to start ISIS. Something just felt off.