I have Michael Jackson’s autograph from his three distinct artistic periods — Jackson 5, breakout solo artist, fondler — and while they are priceless, I’m going to put them by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!!! I been pouring out some liquor for the fact that Arenado’s homers are gone, gone, gone. And trying to help fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) if their Correa is gone. And since Arenado starting to bubble like a tub full of Calgon. Guess it’s only right that I should help you with how much Nolan Arenado hits are gone. Sorry, that song was on my iTunes, and felt appropriate. If my baby boo bae, Giancarlo, wasn’t metaphorically already all over my bedsheets, Arenado would be right there. Yesterday, he went 5-for-6, 4 runs, 7 RBIs with three homers (19, 20, 21), and the summer is here in Coors. Yippee, you mothertruckers! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Trevor Story – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. The Trevorending Story has been in one super long intermission all season, but maybe the show’s finally back on.
Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .329. The Coors argument might take some of the gusto out of his sail-oh, but Chazz Noir is a legit MVP candidate. I bet I know what cologne he’d wear to the MVP ceremony. Chazz Darker Noir, of course.
Clayton Richard – 3 2/3 IP, 11 ER. Clayton Kershaw meets Richard. That’s any Richard who has never pitched a day in his life. Richard Dawson — sure; Little Richard — yup; Richard Nixon — I can’t throw a hook. Call him Poor Richard’s AllERmanac.
Kris Bryant – Left yesterday’s game after sliding head-first into third base, and was diagnosed with a sprained pinkie. “When are players going to stop sliding head-first into bases,” said everyone who is trying for a hot take. Listen, your hot take is cold diarrhea. Baseball is already about as contact as Ultimate Frisbee. If players can’t slide head-first, we may as well dress them up in an adult girl’s tutu and let them put one hand on their coach’s shoulder while they ronde de jambe. Players get hurt, sliding head-first or not.
Mike Montgomery – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.83, and he pitchslapped Dickey, which makes him sound like a jerk off. I’m pretty iffy on a bunch of the Cubs’ starters, but I do love me some Montgomery, maybe even a bit more than I should. I’m a Gomer for Montgomery. Totally a saying.
Javier Baez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Joe Maddon’s aight, and he gets plenty of credit, but how hard is it to, say, put The Federalist at the bottom of the lineup and Baez at the top of it? Feels easy, actually.
Addison Russell – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .240. Russell seems like the type who can fluidly go from a 4-for-4 game to an 0-for-5 game without skipping a beat.
Freddie Freeman – Left yesterday’s game due to an illness. Uh-oh, feeling my rap alter ego, B. Fire, coming on. Freddie’s feeling unsteady, that’s heavy, said Wile E. Coyote about an anvil…Neidhart. Yo, check out the way I rep, Gephardt. He’s a lobbyist for Boeing? Well, when I see Giancarlo, I’m a lobbyist for Boing! [Chorus] Ding dong, ding dong, Grey’s a lobbyist for Boing.
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .306. He’s been remarkably consistent across the season. He hit .336 for two straight months, and near-.300 in July, and a couple of homers and steals in each of the past three months. Sadly, a ‘couple’ means two. Hopefully, he’ll start stealing more bags, because Grey Diggity could use some. Naw’mean?
J.D. Martinez – Left yesterday’s game after being hit on the hand. Oh, Dong, don’t get injured already. Peoples’ hopes are up like the direction Sandy Duncan went in the down staircase. Totally hip reference!
David Peralta – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .318 as he hit leadoff in the new-look Diamondbacks. “What’s up?” I said ‘new-look’ not ‘no-look,’ Magic. “My b.” Love Peralta as it is, hitting leadoff would be gorge.
Zack Cozart – 4-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. So happy to see pre-injury Cozart show back up, was beginning to think it derailed his season like injuries had derailed his previous ones. Cozart is not waiting to derail, Ryan Adams.
Zach Davies – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.76. Hmm, maybe Davies worked out The Kinks. Or maybe he got lucky on baserunners, and has an ugly 6 K/9 and 3 BB/9. Like Altuve, I’m going with the latter.
Domingo Santana – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 16th homer. With the submergence (opposite of emergence?) of Villar, Sunday Santana has been moved to the leadoff spot, and, ya know what, I’m cool with it. Like to see him get more ribbies like Billy Butler at an AYCE, but I’ll take the runs.
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.18. Gerrit should be in a red-tinted window in Amsterdam, because this guy is a serious tease.
Enrique Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homers. Kike really performed well in the Guaranteed Rate Field! Hey, isn’t that lyrics from Jay-Z’s new album?
Corey Seager – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .301. Between this guy and Kyle, 2nd half of the year is going to be the Summer of Seager. Too bad Bob’s busy singing Against the Wind into an industrial fan and wasting all of this positive juju.
Chris Taylor – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .307. Yesterday, I pointed out how Taylor should just be owned, and, today, well, yup.
Tyler Clippard – White Sox announced Clippard will serve as the closer, unless the White Sox Clippard gets Joe D. Moralized, and Swarzak needs to replace him. If I may be frank, this is some bullshizz. It would be a nice confidence boost to go with the guy who has done great for you this year (Swarzak) vs. the new guy who hasn’t even been good this year (4.95 ERA on the year). I mean, isn’t that just common decency?
Carlos Rodon – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.75. On the bright side, he’s making it so easy to ignore him next year, too.
Alex Meyer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.74. He throws 96 MPH — zoinks! His K-rate is over 10 — big time zoinks! His walk rate is over 5 — bad zoinks. I’d continue to use the Stream-o-Nator for him.
C.J. Cron – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games, but he’s only started one of those, and I don’t trust The Sciosciapath to start Cron ever.
Steven Souza – Left yesterday’s game after attempting a steal with a hip strain. I mean, he strained his hip from the attempt, he wasn’t attempting it with the strain. He also wasn’t shooting elephants in his pajamas. Sounds like Souza’s headed to the DL.
Jacob Faria – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.52. Oh boy, the long, slow march to a 3.75 ERA. His BABIP is .261, and walk rate in the majors has been better than where it was in the minors, so I do think Faria could be meeting with the Regression Fairies in the near future.
Joey Gallo – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer, hitting .191. His season RBI total is now up to 23. Kidding, but you wouldn’t have been totally surprised, would you have?
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 6.11. Let’s make a deal–Why are you dressing up like a farmer’s daughter? No, no, not Let’s Make A Deal like that. Let’s promise each other (better?), we don’t pick up Gausman until his ERA is under five. I mean, he’s coming off a 3 IP, 8 ER game after all.
Adam Jones – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. His career offensive output seems to have taken the same route as Cal Ripken, but Cal had that whole consecutive game streak thing going, so 20 homers and .270 seasons were more understandable.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.54. Early on, Verlander’s only blow was Moss. Hey, how many model Kates is this guy hooking up with?!
Kelvin Herrera – Left yesterday’s game with the trainer, but he had a 102 fever prior to the game, so that might be all it was. That’s Fahrenheit, by the way. I realize with Kelvin that might be confusing. Joakim Soria would be the handcuff if there’s anything else here.
Sonny Gray – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.66. Don’t mistake my honesty for modesty (is that a Sarah McLaughlin lyric?), but Gray doesn’t elicit much enthusiasm in me. He’s been better than any previous year for peripherals — 8.4 K/9, 2.8 BB/9, 3.39 xFIP, velocity’s right back where it should be — but he’s just not exciting me as much as I think he should.
Rajai Davis – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting near-.400 in the last week, and you know the King of SAGNOF could steal many bags if the spirit moves him in that direction. Since I’m hurting for steals in one league, I grabbed The King on Tuesday.
Corey Kluber – Won’t start on Friday due to a neck issue. His neck issue appears minor, which reminds me, all my pitchers except Kluber should be in the minors, so hurry back!
Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.62. See, here’s the thing. Carrasco does excite me, but hasn’t really pitched better than Sonny Gray, and I realize that. As Helen Keller once said, acknowledging blind spots are the first step.
Denard Span – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Oddly enough, as Span was rounding the bases, Ben Revere held a seashell up to his ear and heard cheers.
Drew Pomeranz – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.51 vs. Aaron Sanchez – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.25. This was a matchup billed as, “Grey doesn’t like either of these guys.” As you can imagine, not a ton of people call it this. Oh, and Aaron Sanchez has a blister again, because of course he does.
James Paxton – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Excellent start vs. the 1927 Astros’ offense, though I guess they are missing the Correan missile now. By the way, they hit Yulieski Gurriel in the three hole? I get that you like Springer in the leadoff slot, but you’re not as smart as you think you are. Move Springer down, move Altuve up and…Damn, who can hit third in that lineup now? That lineup looks so much weaker now. Oh, and, no, I have no idea why I’m talking about all of this in Paxton’s blurb. With stream of consciousness, sometimes you get the Yangtze, sometimes you get the “Y’all don’t see.”
Ben Gamel – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Since no one reads the USA Today’s top five MLB stat leaders anymore, people may not know this, but Gamel? He’s top 5 for batting average in the AL. Um, WUT.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 and his 30th homer. See how many nice things happen for you when you’re eliminated in the 1st round of the Home Run Derby?
Dan Straily – 5 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.49. Terrible Phils’ offense meets pitcher having breakout season, and *make kaboom noise while hands mime an explosion* Neither Stream-o-Nator nor I expect Straily to bounce back in his next start. By the way, if you ever say ‘nor’ in everyday conversation, the person you’re talking to has the right to punch you in the nose.
Nick Williams – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and continues to hit third and make dinner like a latch-key kid’s supposed to. I’d definitely grab him for some schmotatoness.
Daniel Nava – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .300. Everyone on the Phils had multiple hits yesterday except for ODB (1-for-5, 1 RBI), but ODB is hitting .261 with not much power or speed, so it’s been one of those kinda years.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .233, hitting near-.430 in the last week. Ya know what he’s doing, right? He’s making himself attractive again for next preseason. Hey, since I own him this year, I’ll take it.
Rob Refsnyder – Was DFA’d by the Yankees. Well, they did give him almost ninety-five games to prove himself at the major league level. Real talk: Refsnyder is likely better than at least one infielder on 15 other major league teams.
Jose Berrios – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Solid start vs. the Yankees, but they were resting a bunch of their regulars, and started C. Frazier instead of T. Frazier. Why does all this talk of Frazier have me singing, Chains of Love? Come to me, cover me, hold me, together we’ll break these chains of love! Don’t give up, don’t give up now…
Miguel Sano – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I mentioned this a few months (weeks) ago. Sano’s average has come way down since I told you to sell him in May, but, if you’re waiting for people to stop hitting homers to regress, you need to write a strongly worded letter to the Guatemalan baseball factory to get them to change their sewing techniques. Oh my god! Great idea! We need to write a letter as if it’s coming from Manfred.
Dear Guatemalan baseball sewers,
That’s people who sew, by the way. I’m not addressing the sewers of Guatemala. This is Commissioner Rob Manfred. I’m not going to make it down to Guatemala again to address you in person, so this letter will act as a substitute. Also, don’t try to call me. The calling cards I bought everyone can be used to call relatives. You’re welcome. Any hoo! I need you to stop juicing the balls. I know I said I wanted “Mucho Super Balls that come with airplane wings,” but pitchers are complaining of blisters and home runs are through the roof — literally, in some instances. Please loosen your stitches, snitches!