You wanna know frustration? Of course, you do. You play fantasy baseball! We’ve chosen a hobby that is the least relaxing hobby possible. May as well have a hobby of picking cheese off mousetraps. If the mousetrap doesn’t smash your finger, you win. What do you win? A virtual trophy! Oh, and bragging rights. Awesome! Okay, wanna really know frustration? Wait to see how Dusty uses Trea Turner upon his call-up. This is gonna be so fun! Will Lloyd’s of London insure the ulcers of all Trea Turner owners? Yesterday, he was called up to replace Ryan Zimmerman, who went on paternity leave. So, unless Zimmerman’s wife takes as long as he does to get hot, I’m assuming Zimmerman will be back in three days tops. At that point, Turner will stay with the club and play, stay and get benched or get demoted again. If he stays with the club, do you think Dusty is going to play him over Espinosa? Well, he could. I guess. “So, how do you play this mousetrap game again?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kris Bryant – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .279. I have an idea to help the Padres. Secession. There’s so many players with their hometown being San Diego, Bryant being one, that San Diego separates from the union and refuses to allow people to immigrate to the United States, then the Padres will have all of these great players. You know Trump will go for it since it’s so close to Mexico. Even if it doesn’t work, you can scream, “Secess!” and people will think you’ve yelled, “Success!”
Hector Rondon – His back is feeling better, so you can drop Strop, unless your razors are dull.
Kyle Hendricks – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.84. In Wrigley for Hendricks, the wind cries Harry Caray.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer. HR to the Rizzo! Imagine the Cubs if Rizzo were to actually get hot. Better yet, imagine my fantasy teams where I own Rizzo. Yes, that’s better to imagine. *wavy lines* Oh my God, Rizzo is hitting homers! My teams are amazing! I can’t believe how good they are–Wait, I still have Chris Archer pitching. Can Rizzo pitch? *wavy lines* That was quite the fantasy. Right up there with a Terrence Malick dream sequence, just missing wind blowing through trees.
Javier Baez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .253. I was about to say too bad he doesn’t play every day, but he has been playing every day. So, too bad he hasn’t done anything that amazing with his everyday playing time. Be Javier Bazinga!
Jason Heyward – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Way to stay ahead of Ben Revere.
Julio Urias – 5 IP, 5 ER. “A 19-year-old’s confidence is very fragile.” “Pronounced fra-JEEL-lay!” “No, it’s pronounced fragile. Please, don’t interrupt. Okay, so in order to really bring Urias slowly, and keep his confidence sky high, we’re going to start him against the best team in baseball in an away game rather than wait until Friday for the Braves. Got it?” “I tuned out after being chastised for fra-JEEL-lay.” I’d continue to hold Urias, but obviously I’d be careful of tough matchups.
Trayce Thompson – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. But you were last week’s hot schmotato. Don’t ruin the narrative, Thompson.
Adam Jones – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homers. Ah, I see why Showalter put him in the leadoff slot, more at-bats against Red Sox pitching. Red Sox pitching is the girl your friends set you up with to get you over your ex. “She’s not Sarah, but just give Margaret a call, we think you need a slump buster.”
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homers. How about that sell?! *slowly walks out of the room, walks into a room with guys that traded away Trumbo* Hey, fellas. Okay, seriously, he’s had one season over 30 homers in his career when he had an average over .250, and just when he gets going, injuries rear their head. The smart bet is still on the sell.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Yesterday, I said, ” Pe-Al doesn’t get three hits in a game without being locked in. That means he’s going to homer in the next few days. You can bank on it (or never mention this again if he doesn’t).” And that’s me quoting me! Alvarez will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but you can grab him now.
Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Machado sheepishly walks in. His friends all look at him suspiciously. Finally, “You slept with Margaret too?!”
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 5 ER. There’s Margaret now.
David Ortiz – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. You know Bonds is muttering to his wife on the phone, “Has Ortiz been tested?”
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs and his hitting streak is up to 26 games. He’s hitting .348 on the season. You know how Italian for nothing is un gotz? In honor of Sawx fans, Xander will forever be known as Mo Gotz, which is everything.
Michael Pineda – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (zero walks), 8 Ks, ERA at 6.41. The FIP Gods giveth and the FIP Gods taketh away, but, finally, they giveth a little too those greedy bastards. Does yesterday’s start fix everything? Please. He was supposed to be good for the last month and wasn’t. His peripherals are gorgeous, but they have been. He gets a tasty matchup next time out, but, honestly, it hasn’t meant anything for him all season, so I’d still be scurred.
Matt Moore – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.46. Twins swung at 31 of Moore’s 38 fastballs and missed once. No wonder Twins’ hitters kept asking for Moore.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. And first non-solo homer. I think. It feels that way, at least, as his owner.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .207. Dozier is French for sleep, and he’s done just that to his owners, but it wouldn’t shock me to see him get hot at some point.
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer. Was actually surprised — shocked, even — to see Nunez was over 50% owned and, hence, not eligible to be included in today’s Buy column. Smart pickup, guys and five girl readers.
Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and two homers (11, 12). It’s barely June and Coors is already playing like the balls are high on helium. Let’s knock out a bunch of these real quick, Zack Cozart (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 7th homer and Adam Duvall (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 14th and still no one wants to pick him up. So you do you.
Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 20th homer in the past twelve games. It would be a good double dog dare to challenge a leaguemate to start a pitcher in Coors.
Trevor Story – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs hit his 15th homer. Didn’t Coors supposedly make it harder to hit homers this offseason? More like harder har har.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer. The Torenado messed it up. Which is an answer to, “Grey, why didn’t you make the bed?”
Wade Miley – 4 2/3 IP, 9 ER in Petco. All I can say is I am so glad I somehow missed Miley was pitching in Petco so I inadvertently benched him. Hellabenched!
Kyle Seager – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs, hitting .295. He started May hitting .163. Take note, Jose Abreu and Justin Upton. Hopefully you can read this better than you can read pitchers.
Dae-Ho Lee – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .301. There’s some Ho’s in this house!
Jon Jay – 5-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. The Federalist is on hot schmotato alert!
Adam Rosales – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Maybe the Padres should save some of this offense for the rest of the season. Cust kayin’.
David Wright – Mets said Wright will be out for an extended period of time. Three days into the season, I said, “Wright (stole two bases because he) knows he has 45 games tops that he can play this year and wants to be around for the pennant chase in September.” And that’s me quoting me! For what it’s Werth, Wright is at 37 games. See you on September 17th!
Carlos Carrasco – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks as he was activated from the DL. He looked rusty as all Kuntz. If this helps you buy him low, I’d absolutely still do it.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .500 in the last week. Haven’t mentioned him much because he hasn’t stolen many bases (4 in 46 games) and hasn’t hit many homers (3), but he is hitting for a solid average lately. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy, but here’s now.
Mike Napoli – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. So hot his schmotatoes have nipples on them.
Cheslor Cuthbert – 3-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting over-.300 in the last week, with no power or speed. So, Cheslor or (stutterer!) someone else? Prolly someone else, but depends on the league.
Yordano Ventura – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.82. Not joking at all when I say I bet at some point he’s going to say he’s pitching through an injury or a dead arm. His peripherals are atrocious. Something is seriously off with him.
Yasmany Tomas – Sat out due to a balky left knee. Good thing he’s not a pitcher, any baserunner would score.
Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.29. Fun with xFIP! Last year, it was 3.22; this year it’s 3.34. His walk rate is the same as last year, his K-rate is actually better this year, though marginally. What does all of this mean? He’s a 3.50 ERA pitcher whether he has a 1.66 ERA or a 4.29 ERA. Oh, and Arizona isn’t a great park to pitch in.
Dallas Keuchel – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.50. He faced off with Greinke, which was a rematch of the two All-Star Game starters from last year. Can you say Atlee Hammaker? If not, you should see a speech therapist. In fairness to Keuchel, he’s been decent in two straight starts for the first time this year. Though, why are we being fair to Keuchel? You work for the Red Cross?
Jimmy Paredes – 1-for-4 as he batted third the first time he was in the Phillies’ lineup. I’d think the Phillies would be more proud than that. I mean, they got him essentially for nothing from the Jays. You can’t bat a guy third who you get for nothing. It’s like agreeing to a first date on a Friday night. Pretend to have something else going on!
Cody Asche – 0-for-2 as he was activated from the DL. Not because he looked good in his rehab assignment — he hit .169 — but because teams are only allowed to rehab guys for 20 days. Nothing like forcing a team to activate a guy who can’t hit Mendoza in High-A, Double-A and Triple-A. Next stop, Quad-A then DFA’d!
Maikel Franco – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. If how many people want to trade away Franco for peanuts (hehe, I said peanuts) is any indication, I’d be looking to buy Franco. He’s a 25-HR guy with a .260 average; he’ll get there; don’t sweat it; semicolons are fun.
Jeanmar Gomez – 1 IP, 2 ER. Kazaam!
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Aw, it’s my Baby Boo. Whaddup, Baby Boo?
Chris Carter – 1-for-3 and his 14th homer. The truth is out there…and so is that ball!
Jerad Eickhoff – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.93, moving his record to 2-8, which was Altuve’s height in high school prior to a growth spurt. Eickhoff is a’ight for very deep leagues, but yesterday’s start is around best case scenario. Is that really that good? Rhetorical!
Derek Dietrich – Day-to-day with a bruised wrist. Or Day II Day, if you’re in an R&B group.
Wei-Yin Chen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.25. Stream-o-Nator lists Chen as being owned in 80% of leagues, but that feels high for him. Been pretty whatevs.
Juan Nicasio – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.75. Yawnstipating season thus far from a guy everyone pegged as suffering from the realness about to go gorillas, huh? I don’t even know what that means but it’s provocative.
Gregory Polanco – X-rays were negative on Brocktune’s foot. Thank you for your hexagonal prayers, Brocktune and I are forever grateful. BTW, Polanco was nicknamed Brocktune in the last few days due to this video. He also already has a theme song (potentially NSFW, unless you work at a porn studio, then, I mean, really what is NSFW?).
Andrew McCutchen – Left yesterday’s game with right thumb discomfort. WebMD has this injury listed as “80’s video game joystickitis.”
Francisco Cervelli – Left yesterday with a right foot injury. Geez, the Pirates’ plane fly under a ladder?
Madison Bumgarner – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.91. Yesterday, Bum also pitchslapped Blair like a modern day Tootie, which is one of the highest compliments any man can get.
Joe Panik – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Panik’s hitting around .200 in the last week with no speed or power in that time, so now’s not the time for Panik, unless you own him.
Hunter Pence – Hit the DL with a severely strained hamstring. Today, I turn over my Standing Liberty quarter that I’ve altered to be a Gangly Manbird quarter. You’d be surprised at how many coin collectors frown on altering rare coins.
Buster Posey – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. In this game, it was Posey, Bum and Panik, like a night with Caitlyn Jenner.
