Maybe because The Bastard Executioner premiered last night, but I’m feeling reminiscent for Sons of Anarchy — Jax, Clay, Peg Bundy and that Irish guy I couldn’t understand — and, specifically, to the Season 4 premiere set to Joshua James’s Coal War. In that spirit, I ain’t cuttin’ my Strasburg till the good Strasburg shows! Ain’t cuttin’ my Strasburg till the good Strasburg shows! Ain’t cuttin’ my Strasburg till the good Strasburg shows! Good Lord, when’s he gonna come! I hate to give someone a lede soon after I just gave them a lede, but Stephen Strasburg had a line of 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 14 Ks, and I need to make exceptions. As previously stated, Strasburg’s control and ERA (still at 3.98 on the year) have been all over the map like a drunk Magellan, but, as he showed yesterday, he could easily be a Cy Young candidate for 2016. I just wish he’d wait until April of next year to show it so we can draft him for cheap. Likely, most have moved on to fantasy football, so people will see a 3.90-ish ERA from him and under draft him next year. That’s when we pounce like SAMCRO near an Elvis impersonator that’s not Bobby. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Bryce Harper – 3-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 38th and 39th homers. He ran into those two home run pitches like they were walls.
Ryan Howard – Could be out a while with a knee contusion. In his place, Darin Ruf, who sounds like a preppy dog. “Is that an Izod on your cocker spaniel?” “Why yes. His name is Darin Ruf.”
Maikel Franco – Could return next week. Someone needs to talk some sense into the Phillies organization. Don’t bring him back. There’s no reason. Let him rest. Get him ready to be on the Grey Albright All-Stars next year.
Jason Hammel – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER. How is his season ERA only 3.73? I feel like if you were to actually calculate his ERA it would be close to 5. Did Hammel hire Melky to hack into major league baseball’s databases? Remember, it’s not a conspiracy if it’s true.
Jon Lester – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.38. I saw Lester was starting and Starling Marte (1-for-4) was going to return to the lineup and I was like, “Grey gonna get himself some steals. Giddy up, snitches!” And Marte was caught stealing by a Lester pick-off for the first time since 2011. Lester didn’t even attempt to pick-off a runner last year! I’m going to bid on a trombone on eBay so I can play a sad tune.
Gerrit Cole – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.60. One question: where were you when I was walking? Okay, two questions, is there a more boring (boringer?) quality start than the six innings, three earned runs jobber? I think we need to look into upping the requirements for a Quality Start. I’m not pointing fingers, but I blame former commissioner, Bud Selig.
Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 46th save, ERA at 2.00. That ties him for the Pirates single season team record for saves. Good thing you dropped Melancon in April when he was struggling. Oopsies!
J.A. Happ – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.96 on the Pirates. It’s 3.84 overall, but why do you care what he did in May? Are you some kind of stalker?
Phil Hughes – 3 IP, 3 ER as he was activated from the DL. It’s hard for pitchers to come back and pick up right where they left off, but Hughes managed to pull it off.
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-5, 1 run, and back-to-back multi-hit games. He’s no Eduardo Escobar (1-for-4), but it’s something.
Anibal Sanchez – Headed to see Dr. James Andrews. “Please fill out both sides of the form. Very important that you also fill out where you want us to send your elbow tendon once we remove it.” That’s the receptionist at Dr. James Andrews’s office.
Victor Martinez – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs. Well, if this one game isn’t worth the 5th round draft pick, I don’t know what is.
Alex Rios – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Damn, he’s making the Bumgarner vs. Bogaerts home run chase a three man race now!
Kris Medlen – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 0 Ks. Elias Sports Bureau said that Medlen was the first starter to throw six shutout innings with no Ks since the Red Stockings’ Noah Cheeze, who you might remember used to give his 2nd baseman and shortstop a 300-feet high mitt until that was outlawed.
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-4. I just want to put on Ed Sheeran and set up a picture of Lindor on my desk.
Josh Tomlin – 9 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Wow, through 62 1/3 IP this year in Triple-A and the majors, he’s allowed only four walks. He’s always had good command, but that’s next level shizz. He is 30 years old and is still tooling around in the minors on occasion, so the upside isn’t huge (I mean, he averages 88 MPH on his fastball). I’d consider the Stream-o-Nator when looking at him, but still start him next time out.
Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. The punchouts have still been nice this year from Tyson, but the WHIP (1.31) makes me want to bite someone’s ear off.
Justin Upton – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 26th homer. It’s gonna be hard to rank him in the 2nd round next year as has been my wont, so I won’t (almost stutterer!), which will mean next year he’ll finally have the year I’ve been dying to see.
A.J. Pollock – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (17) and legs (35). If only perestroika was this successful.
Alex Rodriguez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 32nd homer. Asterisks are like snowflakes; no two are the same. Except for the asterisks following A-Rod and Bonds’s names.
Greg Bird – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. I already have the Twins/Yankees next season series circled for the Bird/Ervin matchup.
Mike Mahtook – 3-for-4, 1 run and his 2nd steal in as many games. I guess if you’re desperate in deep leagues, but I can’t take a guy named Mahtook seriously. I Mahtook you for a schnook.
J.P. Arencibia – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs. For what it’s Werth, I grabbed Arencibia in my RCL league last week, and haven’t considered dropping him. Of course, I don’t pay much attention to the catcher slot, but Cust kayin’.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Left yesterday’s game day-to-day with a knee strain. When the strain was announced, Dustin Hoffman showed up in a hazmat suit.
Brandon Gomes – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save, a day after Boxberger had his buns, shredded lettuce, tomato and special sauce handed to him. Gomes is not the closer, but Boxberger could get only easy chances the rest of the way, or until he bounces back. I’d look at Colome, if trying to vulture a save or two.
Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.26, after starting August with a 2.76 ERA. Shizz is going up quicker than gas! That’ll be my first line at the 2016 National Prayer Breakfast speech.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 42nd homer. I will never doubt you again. Now please stop hitting homers.
Franklin Gutierrez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and his 5th homer in his last 11 games, but that dates back almost three weeks, because The Big FraGu doesn’t start anywhere near every day. As the angry pimp says, ho-hum.
David Murphy – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, as he led off. The fact that Murphy is leading off says a few things, A) The Angels are a mess offensively. B) The Sciosciapath is throwing crap at the walls. C) There’s no C.
Giancarlo Stanton – Ready for his final checkup. Sounds like I need to brush off the ol’ stethoscope and sneak in there for the hernia test. “How does this have to do with my hamate?” “Sorry, I heard hand and bone.”
Dee Gordon – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. That’s also the third time this season he had a shot at hitting for the cycle. Or so says my MLB At Bat app.
Justin Bour – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Not much time for cyclops’ing, but Bour was hitting .190 for the week going into yesterday’s game, so it’s too early to say if he’s now hot.
Christian Yelich – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. See what I said about Bour, but subtract 17 years.
Tom Koehler – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.90 and this was his 10th win. In today’s lesson of how stupid wins are, Lester also has ten wins.
Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 6 ER vs. the Marlins. The Regression Fairies have used a bouquet of flowers emoji, they’ve been to the midnight showing of Rocky Horror wearing a garter belt and they will destroy all that is right with your ratios.
Brett Anderson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.35. The season-long ERA doesn’t say this, but I’d look at Anderson as a streamer, and, as the Stream-o-Nator says, I wouldn’t trust him for his next start.
Hunter Pence – Aiming to return for the final homestand. Or I guess in The Gangly Manbird’s case, it’s a final neststand.
Brandon Crawford – Hoping to return to the lineup on Friday from his oblique/calf issues, which is different than an oblique calf, which vaguely moos and smokes with a long cigarette holder while wearing a beret.
Chris Heston – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. When Heston isn’t even good at home, what else do we have? Fighting background checks for firearms?
Matt Duffy – 3-for-5, 2 runs, now has multiple hits in four of his last five games. He rocks and toughy, it’s Matt Duffy!
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 34th homer, and 4th homer this week. Geez, doode, where were you in August?
Joe Kelly – Left yesterday’s game with a shoulder injury. Or someone asked him to explain the Red Sox rotation this year with a visual pun.
Travis Shaw – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 4th homer in his last eight games. Hot schmotato alert!
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 10th steal. You’re looking at the guy who is going to be the number one shortstop for fantasy this year, according to the Player Rater. *you turning to a mirror* No, that doesn’t make you the number one shortstop. Of course, that’s the top shortstop in ESPN where they have more rigid criteria about position eligibility and what employees can tweet.
Manny Machado – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 29th homer. In our way-too-early 2016 mock draft, Machado went sixth overall. Hear about it on this week’s podcast. Or not. Your call.
Jeff Samardzija – 3 IP, 10 ER. Samardzija is actually the street name for what chemists call olestra, which when added to food causes the runs. “Lay’s Potato Chips, now with Samardzija!”
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer and four hits the day before. Member that few-week-long stretch when Melky was hot earlier this year? It’s happening again.
Alexei Ramirez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer. I’d been meaning to mention Alexei for a few days now, but, well, he hadn’t done anything the past two days. In the month of September though, he’s hitting near-.330.
Adam Eaton – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 15th steal. Just stand near the A’s-White Sox matchup and catch counting stats as they fall.
Jesse Chavez – Out for the season with a fractured rib. The A’s knew he was in trouble when they walked in on Billy Butler lathering Chavez’s ribs with sauce.
Josh Reddick – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Yesterday, I said he was a rising schmotato. Today, I say grab Reddick, in the non-sexual way.
Marcus Semien – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 12th homer. This won’t be the first or last time a Semien goes deep against White Sox, not as long as puberty is a thing.
Brett Lawrie – Had been swinging a hot bat, and the A’s scored 17 runs, but Lawrie didn’t play. Holy sit!
Mark Canha – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI. It might be easier to point who didn’t get multiple hits yesterday for the A’s, but Canha has been hot and continues to schmotato.
Collin McHugh – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER vs. Derek Holland 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Killing H2H dreams and not taking names. You could at least take names!
Delino DeShields – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 23rd steal, and hitting around .200 in the last week. Where’s the hot bats? *Eduardo Escobar jumps up waving his hands* Where are they?
Adrian Beltre – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Where was this for five frickin’ months?!
Jonathan Lucroy – Says he’s not improving from his concussion. Justin Morneau says, “Meetings are Tuesday nights at the Y. That is the letter Y, not a martini glass.”
Ariel Pena – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Fun fact! Ariel is a merman.
Khris Davis – 2-for-3 and his 21st homer. Can I draft him on all of my 2016 teams right now?
Matt Holliday – Last week, the Cardinals said Holliday would be an everyday player once activated from the DL. Yesterday, he was activated. Yesterday, he also didn’t start.
Carlos Martinez – 8 IP, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. C’mon, man, four more solid starts and then you can crap the duvet in the real playoffs.
Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (22), hitting .296. You’d likely expect and want 22 HRs and 12 SBs, rather than the reverse like Heyward has, but they’re not all that different. Surprising even myself to say this, Heyward hasn’t been bad this year.
Justin Smoak – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 16th homer. Two and a half weeks and 14 homers to JayWrong’s prediction!
Drew Hutchison – Moved to the bullpen. Hutch should fit in perfect in the 1970’s TV bullpen with Bo Schultz and Aaron Loup, otherwise known as Bo and Loup.
