Dodgers Place Max Betts

In the front row of Dodger Stadium, an empty seat adorned with only everything bagel seasoning and suspenders commemorating Larry King sat to the right of home plate. Still there in person, Mary Hart recounted how Larry used to say, “Something smells funny in my Duane Kuiper.” A big game for the Dodgers, make no mistake. Almost as big as the game they lost the night before. This game they wouldn’t come up short, especially with Jake Odorizzi (3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.95) helping. Mookie Betts (2-for-5 and his 16th and 17th homer) led the way, showing why he’s Mookie Best. The celebrities weren’t just in the stands, as Will Smith (1-for-3, 3 RBIs) hit his 15th homer. The big story, of course, was the debut of the newly-acquired Max Scherzer (7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.75). One film exec in the crowd was heard saying, “He wouldn’t be half-bad if he had the same color eyes.” Oh, and A.J. Pollock (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 14th homer, and he’s been about 500 spots better than Cody Belanger on the Player Rater, as Cody now hits out of the eight hole. Hey, the 8-hole is only two spots from ‘falling’ to leadoff, which is what I say as I slowly climb out my window. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Clayton Kershaw – Dave Roberts said he’s unable to speak to how long Kershaw will be out. In related news, follow the ellipsis…

Cole Hamels – Signed with the Dodgers. Remember those boardwalk games where you drop a magnetic fishing line into a rotating river of prizes? That’s what I imagine the Dodgers’ shopping is like. The Dodgers were trying to shop for a middle reliever and instead got Hole Camels, an over-the-hill starter who hasn’t really pitched in two years.

Kyle Tucker – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a slam (21) and legs (10), hitting .278. Also, in this game, Michael Brantley (2-for-4) hit his 7th homer. Enjoyed very much the Dodgers fans chanting “cheater” for Tucker and Brantley, two guys who weren’t even on the Astros team in question.

Packy Naughton – Angels called up the former prep star from Boston Latin. Packy always can be found with Sammy A, and is more reasonable than Star Market.

Anthony Rendon – Will have season-ending surgery on his hip. He had a hamstring strain that Joe Maddon said he wouldn’t need an IL stint for, and would be back by the weekend. That was on July 4th. Not kidding. Joe lies…Joe lies…Joe lies…when he cries…hamstring.

Jack Mayfield – 3-for-3 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Shohei Ohtani – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.93, but went 0-for-3. What a bum!

Jorge Polanco – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and now has one more homer than Giancarlo Stanton. Not that I’m rubbing salt in wounds. I’m merely sprinkling Mrs. Dash on scabs.

Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.09. It’ll be one of the great wonders of the world if Castillo can get his ERA under 4 this year, right after the Taj Mahal and that a homemade sex tape made an entire family into billionaires.

Michael Lorenzen – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00, as he got his 1st save. He hasn’t allowed a run all year, and Heath Hembree was the closer who had allowed a run in every outing. David Bell’s brain: A monkey playing cymbals. Lorenzen could be the new closer; Mychal Givens is there too — ya know, the guy the Reds actually traded for to relieve their pen. Or David Bell could surprise us and make the decision to go with the monkey playing cymbals.

Mike Zunino – 1-for-3 and his 21st homer. On the Player Rater, who do you think is higher:  Zunino or Christian Vazquez? Big hint is that I’m saying this in Zunino’s blurb.

Ryan Sherriff – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.82, and his 1st save. True story: Every time Cougs and I drive past a sheriff’s vehicle I say to her, “You could be the ‘She’ in sheriff,” and she says to me, “I’m not going into law enforcement to help you get out of speeding tickets.” The assumption is Nick Anderson will return and get the Rays’ saves. Also, Kevin Cash takes assumptions about the Rays, crumples them up and throws them into the Sea of Wishful Thinking. Wisler/Sherriff/Chargois/Who Knows could all get the next Rays’ save.

Logan Gilbert – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.14 vs. Josh Fleming – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.12. Would look at the Streamonator for both of these guys, and if the Streamonator loves one of their starts, there’s risk here, especially with Gilbert.

Khris Davis – Signed a minor league contract with the A’s. What year is it, 247?

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .259. Jed Lowrie has more homers than Francisco Lindor, but the Mets aren’t cursed. Nah, not at all. Lowrie would have the 2nd most homers on the Mets. Not cursed! At all!

Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.10. Mostly just a MediaOAKer, but would look at the Streamonator in case that lonely robot knew something I didn’t.

Joe Musgrove – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.87. I have good news for you, barring Musgrove doing something ridiculous like running off a 50 IP scoreless inning streak, he’s going to be undervalued next year and easily draftable. How do I know? I’m a time traveler. Nah, I just know. Imagine I really was a time traveler and I chose to write about fantasy baseball. Smart decision making there.

Emmanuel Rivera – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Emmanuel had a great year at Triple-A (15 HRs in 45 games) after growing up with Triple-P (Papadopolis).

Edward Olivares – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Ya know he’s going to be in the Buy column on Friday. Only question is will he be the lede. You can see now on the Patreon.

Michael A Taylor – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in the last six games. Is that good? It’s a M.A.T.ter of perspective.

Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. On the Player Rater for catchers, it’s Sal P. and everyone else. He’s almost twice as valuable as the 2nd best catcher (Jerry Tomato).

Jose Abreu – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. He’ll get to 100 RBIs, barring some crazy shizz, but he’s gonna have to turn on the turbo boosters to get to 30 homers.

Lucas Giolito – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.98. Pain.

Anthony DeSclafani – Hit the IL with shoulder fatigue. I’m going to start a Go Fund Me, but call it Go Tell Me, and it’s for pitchers to tell me when they’re not feeling all right prior to them pitching poorly.

Tommy La Stella – 2-for-2, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. Not sure how the Giants did it, but they’ve managed to collect all the players who you can describe as “Better than you think.”

Alex Dickerson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato, sure, and the Giants could turn anyone into a star. They could fix Cody Bellinger!

J.A. Happ – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.62. “For my last trick, I will turn Just Awful Happ into Just Adequate.” That’s the Cards’ pitching coach.

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .264. Wow, can’t believe the cops are here accusing me of stealing my neighbor’s Lamborghini. He gave me the car. Let me grab the car title, it’s right over here by this open window—NOOOO!!! Torenado!

Adam Duvall – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. $5 fake dollars he homers again in the Braves’ next game. C’mon, I’m good for it!

Jorge Soler – 1-for-5 and his 15th homer, and 24th homer in the last week. Soler is gonna make Eddie Rosario irrelevant even when he returns, so Soler’s assuaging my nervousness about his playing time. *tears off ‘assuage’ from my Word of the Day calendar*

Dansby Swanson – 4-for-4, 3 runs and his 8th steal, hitting .254. 4 singles and one steal for the Juan Pierre cycle!

Victor Robles – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .200. Way to be a player, Mantis! Robles was moved to the leadoff spot recently. For what reason? None. Nats just sold off all their parts and Robles got a boost by process of elimination. It’s like how you would find someone to dance with in high school.

Carter Kieboom – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and his 2nd home run in three games, and is the Nats’ 3rd baseman now fo’ever mo’. There was a time when people thought Kieboom would be a 25-homer, .280 hitter, maybe he’s finally rounding into form. Am much more enthused in an NL-Only or deeper mixed league.

Luis Garcia – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer and 3rd homer. Elias Sports Bureau said yesterday’s game where three Nats all hit their 2nd homer in August was very sad. As for Garcia, he hit 13 HRs and .303 in Triple-A this year, and has a very high contact rate with no speed. Honestly, not too different from Kieboom.

Paolo Espino – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.66. Espino feels like the type of guy who elicits eye rolls from the Regression Fairies, and who are like, “You know you’re not good, just regress yourself.”

Didi Gregorius – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .211. Woof. Didn’t realize Didi was hitting for such a bad average. That’s not the end all, but that is not f*ck all either.

Manuel Rodriguez – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. Manuel Rodriguez sounds like a made-up name someone calls themselves after they say, “If you want it done right, you have to do it yourself.” I’d continue to expect Rowan Wick to get Cubs saves, or ignore completely. I wouldn’t grab, uh, Man-Rod.

Jarren Duran – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .180. Get wild, boys!

Enrique Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. I tend to listen when a manager says something. When Alex Cora said Enrique would leadoff, I believed him. I did figure that it would get old and he’d be moved down. I would’ve never believed A) He’d be the leadoff guy for most of the season. B) If he were, the Red Sox would be a winning team. C) There’s no C.

J.D. Martinez – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer. Just Dong because anything else would be uncivilized.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 10 Ks, ERA at 5.33. Streamonator loved this start of Ed-Rod after doing a personality audit, and that lonely robot nailed it.

Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-3 and his 18th homer. That’s his first homer since July 18th, and only his 3rd homer since June 24th. And now watch as he hits five homers in the next week.

Luis Gil – Will make his next start in the Yanks’ rotation, so, as I said yesterday, Luis arm strong, me likey.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. HR to the Izzo!

Jameson Taillon – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.04. Can’t just write it off as it being vs. the O’s. It’s a solid start, and his peripherals back it up, surprisingly so, depending if you read the last thing I said about Taillon.

Ryan Mountcastle – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .262, and 3rd homer in six games. *side-eyes Alec Bohm*

Steven Matz – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.30. You’re gonna find this crazy, but I streamed Long Island’s own, Steven Matz. Without a care in the world, Grey was living his best life. If only he knew, he had a piece of toilet paper stuck to his shoe, which made him seem full of something, just not himself.

George Springer – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. If Springer wouldn’t have missed a random three months, I might not have sat in fifth in my RazzSlam league for literally every day of the season. Is it me, or is it impossible to move up in any league?

Jose Ramirez – 1-for-5 and his 24th homer. He has more than twice as many homers as Lindor!

Oscar Mercado – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. I told you he was a sleeper! *quietly under breath* Two years ago.

Jesus Aguilar – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer and his 76th RBI. “Cody Bellinger and Bryce Harper’s RBI total is 20 RBIs less than Jesus Aguilar,” he said as he dove into the pool and sullenly drank a beer underwater.

Carlos Carrasco – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.24. Happy he’s returned, but one question, how long until he’s more than a long reliever?

Eric Lauer – Hit the Covid IL. Must’ve been hanging out in the bullpen with Josh SuperspreHader.

Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.21. What an incredible year we got from FreddyKBB. Better than any one of us deserve. Look at yourself in a mirror, and repeat after me, “I didn’t deserve FreddyKBB, but Grey provided that for me. Thank you, Grey.”

Rowdy Tellez – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. That homer is the problem with Tellez. It was a pinch-hit homer. I’d play Rowdy every day if I were the Brewers, I’m not in charge of that, sadly. By the by, it is some galaxy brain shizz trading for a DH-only type player in the NL.

Steven Brault – 4 IP, 1 ER, as he was activated to make his season debut. MLB should do a commercial with Brock Holt and Steven Brault, where they scream their names. Holt! Brault! Holt! Brault! This would never get old.

Shea Spitzbarth – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00 after 2+ innings. Nothing here for fantasy, but I just wanted to write out the name Spitzbarth. Sounds like Aussie slang. When you really need to expel something you ate: Spitzbarth, mate.