Are the Rangers the American League’s answer to the Braves? In this Ted Talk, he will discuss…*nudges my dog, Ted, to talk*…Go ahead, boy, say something. C’mon, stop humping! Oh, are you doing that as a nod to Semien? You are so clever! Just like me for drafting Marcus Semien (2-for-4, 26th and 27th homers)! What’s that, boy? What does attacking the mailman mean? The mailman’s name is Garcia? Oh, wow, for Adolis Garcia (1-for-4, 36th homer)! Jesus, you are so unbelievable! Okay, what are you doing for Corey Seager (1-for-3, 2 RBIs, 33rd homer)? *Ted does nothing* C’mon, boy, I’m bored…Bored…Borey…Corey! Wow, my dog is so smart! There’s no one smarter, is there boy? Wait a minute, smarter…Evan Carter (1-for-4, 2 RBIs, 4th homer)! Okay, let’s see what you have for Leody (2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, 13th homer). *Ted joins a cult* Wow, brilliant! Thanks for joining me for my Ted Talk! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jordan Montgomery – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.25. The good thing about the AL West is they could be competing to the last weekend, which means their pitchers could be making their final starts, and pitching their heart out. The bad news (sorry) is if the pitcher gets hit around a little bit, they might get pulled super quick.

Bryan Woo – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.39. Oh no, his evil twin, Bryan Woof.

J.P. Crawford – 2-for-5, and his 17th homer. He now has eight homers since August 6th. J.P. is short for Just Picking, which is short for Just Cherrypicking.

Eury Perez – Hit the IL with “Hey, Skip, I can’t lift my arm, maybe I shouldn’t throw anymore innings.” By the way, I just realized, the Marlins manager’s name is Skip, which is perfect because every player on every team ever in baseball calls their coach “Skip.”

Jon Berti – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. Grabbed Berti this weekend for some *licking fingers* delectable SAGNOF! Just a little Steal-y Dan! Hey nineteen (steals would be nice)! And I benched Schwarber because I don’t need anymore homers. And that worked out perfectly.

Josh Bell – 3-for-4 and his 22nd homer, 2nd homer in four games, and is the type to get scalding, while I’m scolding my fantasy team to do something!

Edward Cabrera – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.22. There’s a chance he gets his last start with the Marlins still alive for the final Wild Card, so, yes, what the Streamonator says, but also: LFG!

Brandon Woodruff – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.28. Said he was struggling with his mechanics on Saturday. Assuming he can fix himself, I wouldn’t want to meet the Brewers in a playoff series if their top three are throwing well. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo* If you’re the type to bet.

Freddy Peralta – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.86. Okay, the less I say about betting, the better chance a guy doesn’t get rocked, so I won’t say anything else.

Brandon Lowe – Out for the year with a fractured kneecap. That’s one of those injuries that just sounds painful. Like testicular contusion. From the FUPA to the shin, don’t mess with that body region.

Isaac Paredes – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a home run. Guess how many homers he has. Bzzt wrongo! He has 30!

Jordan Romano – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.68. John Schneider said Romano has a cracked nail. Weird thing to find in your cheese. Swanson might get a save or two, if you’re desperate.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-5 and his 25th and 26th homer, hitting .266. Cake Batter is having a nice season (for a random corner infielder or corner outfielder, say, Ryan Ludwick if he came out of retirement). After the season ends next week, I’ll go over the top 20 at each position, and the 1st basemen are okay, but far from elite, kinda like Vlad Jr.

Bo Bichette – 2-for-5 and his 20th homer, hitting .303. If he hits 20 homers and steals 60 bags this final week, it won’t look so bad that I ranked him in front of Acuña. Still early!

Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.39. Random Prediction Alert! Everyone in drafts next year will treat Wacha like this year was a fluke, and he’ll go out and have another solid year.

Juan Soto – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 33rd homer. You can tell the people who play fantasy vs. regular baseball fans by their reaction to Sexy Dr. Pepper. Solid this year for fantasy? Sure. Worth $400 million as a free agent? You better be a real baseball guy for that.

Nolan Jones – 1-for-2 and his 18th homer, hitting .286. NoJo is vernacular for Nolan Jones and “No joke” which Nolan Jones is.

Jordan Wicks – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Finally, a Jordan in Chicago who is good.

Charlie Morton – Hit the IL with finger inflammation. Braves’ playoff rotation is gonna be Spencer Strider, then waiting for Spencer Strider to pitch again.

Allan Winans – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.00. Don’t have any love for Winans — though, In Living Color was dope — and Streamonator doesn’t love him, but if you’re struggling to find someone the final weekend, Winans gets the Nats again.

Lane Thomas – 2-for-9, 2 runs and a slam (27) and legs (20). Lane Thomas going 30/20 wasn’t on my bingo card. It was on some lady in the front row, and she took down the jackpot.

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and a slam (29) and legs (11). Greek God of Hard Contact had 12 steals from 2019 through last year From 2013 to 2018, he had 11 steals. Yeah, the limited pick-offs and the pitch clock did some shizz.

Cristopher Sanchez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Phils are doing something special with their non-name brand pitchers. If you’ve never heard of them before the season, be interested.

Ronny Mauricio – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I’d cheer that he was moved up to the two-hole, but I’m not giving Showalter any credit. For anything. Ever. You can hold me to that.

Clayton Kershaw – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.42. Thirty-seven percent. That’s how much Kershaw you’re getting right now and he’s still dominant. He was at 42% earlier this year. Now 37%.

Logan Allen – Hit the IL with “I should’ve been shutdown a month ago so I hope I’m not hurting too much next year from this overwork.”

Triston McKenzie – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 1 hit, 6 walks, ERA at 6.17, as he was activated from the IL. He said his mechanics were off, but he felt good, and was right back up to his fighting weight of 107 pounds.

John Means – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.60. Had a no-hitter into the 7th, which is impressive, so don’t take this the wrong way, but saw someone say he now sports a terrific 6/4 K/BB in 17 innings. 6/4 K/BB defecates on the dictionary page for “terrific.”

Dylan Cease – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.66 vs. Nick Pivetta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.25. This matchup was billed as, “These two guys are going to look so good next March, which shows you how easily you can forget past pain afflicted by players on your fantasy teams.”

Wilyer Abreu – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Could he catch up to Jose Abreu in homers? I’m not counting him out! And the “him” is Jose Abreu and being awful.

Adam Duvall – 1-for-2 and his 21st homer, 2nd homer in three games. If you need a schmotato, I’d grab Duvall.

TJ Friedl – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, and his 3rd game in a row with a homer. Though, the middle game with a homer was an inside-the-parker, which feels less about someone being hot and more about someone cruising around the bases while an outfielder–Ugh, who am I kidding? I’m just delaying talking about Joey Votto playing in what might be his final home game. *choked up* Here we go, guys and five gals…

Joey Votto – 1-for-3, hitting .205. The standing ovation by the Reds fans and the Reds announcers talking about how this might be Votto’s final home game in Cincy is the type of thing to give you chills. If you get chills from a corporation forcing an old person out of their job because they want to move on to a younger and cheaper model. Ya know, because Votto has never said he’s retiring and the Reds have a club option. Something about cheering a guy when he hasn’t said he’s retiring that feels like you’re saying, “Thanks, man, no get outta here!”

Christian Encarnacion-Strand – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, hitting .279. CES now has two homers in two games, three homers in four games, four homers in the last week, and is going to be a steal in drafts next year.

Nelson Velazquez – 2-for-3 and his 16th and 17th homer. You know I love him, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t undercut it with some managerial nonsense. The MLB’s ugliest manager as voted on by his peers, Matt Quatraro, subbed out Velazquez yesterday for a matchup with Isbel. The Royals have already lost 100 games and Velazquez had a chance for three homers, and y0u sub him out? For what reason?

James McArthur – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.31 and his 3rd save. Royals’ new closer is also WWII’s closer.

Joe Boyle – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.0000000000000 in his 2nd career start. Streamonator doesn’t love his last start of the year, but I could see streaming him.

Esteury Ruiz – 2-for-4 and his 64th and 65th steal. How does he not go for 70 steals in the final week? Rhetorical!

Anthony RendonAngels said Rendon won’t return this year. Backdate that to 2019.

Mike Trout – Transferred to the 60-day IL. That means he’ll be healthy right around December 5th, and in time to be traded to the Marlins for a young pitcher, who will never pitch for the Angels.

Joe Ryan – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.31. Solid final start for a guy who was more rocky than Stallone. Oh, he might get another start, but I wouldn’t trust him.

Max Kepler – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .253. Not to belabor how boring Vlad Jr. has been, but Kepler or Vlad? Okay, Vlad, but should it even be close?

Jorge Polanco – 1-for-5, and his 14th homer. Now has eight homers in the final two months, while hitting around .280. Could be an interesting draft pick next year (which is exactly what I say to try to bait people into drafting him). Yeah, man, he looks awesome! (Still baiting.)

Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.80. Eight wins on the year on a team in first! Eight freakin’ wins! I’m sorry, don’t tell me about Win Luck, capitalized, being helped by good teams. It’s all BS! They need to change how they count wins. It would change all pitching records, but who cares? If they used pitchers in 1910 how they’re used now, wins would be whoever pitched the most innings of a game on the winning team, and Walter Johnson would have 8,000 wins and would’ve pitched for 75 years. I don’t care. CTW! Change The Win! (Oh, and I know, hot shot, if wins were changed to whoever pitches most for the winning team, Gray still wouldn’t have won on Saturday. Don’t be obtuse!)