Luis The Red Shocks Red Sox

Louie…Kah-steel-yo…Cah-still-oh…Cah-stee-low…Lou-ess Cah-sty-lo. Did I get it? Was it in there somewhere? I took thirteen years of Spanish (as detailed in my ebook Who Is Grey Albright — available in our shop!) and my Anglo tongue can’t get Luis Castillo out (6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.38) but he was sure able to get out the Red Sox yesterday! (You didn’t think I’d land that sentence as well as I did; admit it.) Going into Fenway and holding the Sawx to one hit and striking out 10 is something to make Daddy stand up and take notice. Luckily, I have a standing desk so I don’t need to hunch over to type this. Castillo’s had a strange journey from borderline ace to “Do I even want to draft him in a shallower league?” His 9.5 K/9, 2.7 BB/9, 2.89 xFIP in 26 2/3 IP is still a pretty small sample size — that’s what she said derisively! — but it’s the best his numbers have looked in any capacity for years. His velocity is pretty down, and, coupled with the shoulder soreness in March, I wouldn’t necessarily bet on it continuing, but better to be here than Berrios. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tommy Pham – Scratched due to calf discomfort. Wonder if the discomfort began during a slow draft.

Michael Wacha – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.43. Thinking about starting Jose Berrios for ten awful starts, while Wacha has a sub-2.50 ERA, and I’m cackling at the moon.

Gary Sanchez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. This Gary’s got more bombs than Gary Carter had F bombs! True trivia alert! Gary Carter invented the “F bomb.” Always cracks me up thinking about that. RIP, Gary Carter. Any hoo! Sanchez has been hot.

Carlos Correa – Hit the Covid IL with actual Covid, so that means he’ll be out at least ten days. Too bad Royce Lewis is out too. Twins will turn to J. Palacios, which is a made-up name as they try to get Jorge Polanco two at-bats each turn through the order.

Devin Smeltzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.50. Streamonator hates Smeltzer, who sounds like smelt-flavored seltzer. That Dr. Brown never came up with that is a disgrace. Get *clapping hands emoji* it *clapping hands emoji* together *clapping hands emoji* Dr. *clapping hands emoji* Brown!

Kody Clemens – 0-for-3 as he made his major league debut. Let’s see some minor league highlights: In Double-A, Kody Clemens threw a sawed-off bat at Billy Piazza, and Kody Clemens was most known for going to Burger King and eating dinner wearing three Burger King crowns, calling it his “eating Triple Crown.” So, Clemens seems like the promotion the Tigers made to kill time before Riley Greene is promoted. Clemens had 8 HRs, 3 SBs and .283/.316 in 45 Triple-A games. Seems kinda whatever besides the novelty of being Roger’s kid, but has some power.

Noah Syndergaard – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.02 in Yankee Stadium. *makes Charades motion that it’s a movie* Oh, I know, Jon Voight in Coming Home! Great stuff, Noah, you really sold it!

Luis Rengifo – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .290. Is it me or does his last name seem like it’s starting to spell out a last name, then, it gets to the N, and it just does an acronym to eff off.

Matt Carpenter – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Didn’t see the homer, but I want to believe he hit with his mustache.

Jordan Montgomery – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Don’t want to be ungrateful, but if someone could locate JoMo’s Ks, please send them to Yankee Stadium c/o JoMo.

Jose Trevino – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .263. What’s kinda funny in a non-funny way: In the preseason, when Gary Sanchez went to the Twins, it went like this, “Oh god, Higashioka, now is your time!!!” That was you screaming at your computer screen.

Andrew Vaughn – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .291. I’m pretty sure with a different manager, Vaughn would have 12+ homers already and be a top five 1st baseman. Instead, I’m not sure if he’ll even play today.

Lucas Giolito – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.61. With absolutely no research done, Giolito feels like: Great start, great start, about to move his ERA below 3.00 and here comes a blow up!

Alejandro Kirk – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. I wonder if Bowling Green recruited him because he looks like a bowling ball. Is Bowling Green a university filled with bowling ball-looking people?

Trent Grisham – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Hot schmotato alert!

Blake Snell – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.80 vs. Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.75. Fantastic matchup to point out the difference between “flashy” and “just knowing how to pitch.”

Giovanny Gallegos – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.86, as he worked the 8th and blew the save. This is Gallegos saying, “Hey, Razzball guys and five girls, pick up Helsley now.”

P.J. Higgins – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and maybe hot, but I can’t in good conscience suggest you pick up P.J. Higgins.

Patrick Wisdom – 2-for-4 and a slam (11) and legs (2), hitting .235, as he hits third. Between Wisdom and Christian Walker, there’s literally one question about dropping these guys every day. How could you not find room for Wisdom or Walker? How? I sound like a self-help coach. Find time to read and exercise!

Willson Contreras – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Looks like someone was sick of being shown up by their baby bro. Those tapes paid off that Kyle Seager sent Willson Contreras. They were tapes of Kyle’s mom talking about Corey incessantly. Kyle’s note simply read, “Is this what you want?”

Corey Seager – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. “Hey, William Contreras, I got you!”

Adolis Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (5). Imagine the Rangers’ offense if they weren’t carrying the Semien corpse. Texas Rangers: Bunch of necrophilics!

Martin Perez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.42. “He looks like me.” That’s the Ghost of Cy Young. I can’t explain Perez, other than to say he’s pitching way over his head, and I’m not talking about his mechanics.

Wander Franco – Hit the IL with a quad injury. He’s going to see the same doctor as Jonathan India. I’m kidding! Sorry, that was mean.

Shane Baz – Threw 4 IP in rehab. Yes, he should be rostered in all leagues. Yes, even yours.

Charlie Morton – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.47. Just thought about a team that might’ve drafted Berrios and Morton and I started sobbing.

Matt Olson – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. Get hot pretty⁸ please.

Christian Walker – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Walker will get to 35 homers and after every single homer there will be at least one person in the comments asking to drop him.

Ranger Suarez – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.69. Suarez usually looks solid for four innings, then he gives way to one of the best bullpens in baseball.

Jean Segura – Fractured his right index finger. Concerned for their defense, Phils might opt to move Schwarber to shortstop. I’m kidding, Didi is ready to return. Actually, is that better than Schwarber at short? Hmm…

Joc Pederson – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. That home run was for every guy or gal who’s ever emailed their commissioner to ask them to put a guy on the IL because the player is injured but not yet marked as IL eligible.

Luis Gonzalez – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .347. Since he was called up (and sent down and called up again), he’s done nothing but hit. Who is he? Well, not this guy. Not a .350+ hitter. Maybe not a .250+ hitter. He does have some speed and very light power. Think 8/15/.260. Worth rostering while hot? Sure, but I wouldn’t expect the Giants’ magic to last forever. Maybe only until 2025.

Tucupita Marcano – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato, sure, but also it is hilarious the Pirates have a better record than the Phillies. And the Pirates aren’t trying!

Cristian Javier – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.41 vs. Frankie Montas – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.20. This start was billed as, “How long until Montas is an Astros pitcher after being traded for his opponent, Javier?”

Daniel Lynch – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.81. I was so close to buying into him. Glad I didn’t fall for the ol’ banana in the ol’ Lynch tailpipe.

Cal Quantrill – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Trill’s Urbandictionary definition means “genuine” or “authentic.” Quantrill means “authentically a fantasy number five.” “Genuinely worth rostering but often too boring to do it.” For what it’s Cronenworth, Streamonator is barely positive for his next in what I’d think is a seemingly trill matchup.

Kyle Lewis – Dealing with concussion symptoms after being hit by a pitch over the weekend. If not for bad luck, Kyle Lewis would have no luck.

George Kirby – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.46. This could backfire, but rarely does a rookie starter feel safe and like he’d give you a 3.30 to 3.75 ERA-type year but Kirby feels that way.

J.A. Happ – Retired from baseball. Made the announcement on the Heart Strong Podcast, while he was simultaneously having his dog tested for Heartworm.

Patrick Corbin – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.96. Check out this scoreboard trivia from early in last night’s game:

Trevor Williams – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.58. Mets are so charmed this year they could pickup the recently DFA’d Dallas Keuchel and get a 3.50 ERA from him.

Mark Canha – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .307. Mets could use Dallas Keuchel at leadoff and he’d hit .300.

Starling Marte – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Presently, everything the Mets touch turns to gold. So, essentially their 1987 thru 2021, in reverse.

Dominic Smith – Optioned to the minors, which gives Nick Plummer more room to excavate. What I really want to discuss is my absolutely spot-on preseason bet that Dom Smith would lead the majors in homers. As good as my Travis Shaw for MVP bet when he was the worst player to ever pick up a bat that year? Maybe. I picked Dom Smith to lead the majors in homers. Through two months, he had ZERO HOMERS?! Perhaps the worst bet ever? That’s like betting O.J. Simpson will find the person responsible for Nicole’s murder, and it won’t be him. It’s like betting 37 on roulette. It’s like putting all your money into Zunes. Would I have bet New Coke would supplant Classic? Very likely!