DC Comically Trades For Another Bullpen Marvel

Kelvin Herrera was traded to the Nationals, and immediately lost his fantasy value — from a total geek to totally chic back to Game of Thrones’ Reek.  From a SAGNOF hero to a SAGNOF zero.  From sneaky fantasy value status to king status to no status.  Okay, enough of the bastardized Can’t Buy Me Love quotes.  Though, he did go from a Cindy Mancini to Amanda Peterson’s current status.  RIP.  I’ll see you in the ever after because I still dream you’re on the back of my lawnmower, wearing my cowboy hat.  Now, the constitutional monarchy Royals, who need pardon power to excuse their sorry team, have an opening at the top of their bullpen.  *Looks at Royals’ depth chart*  I just vomited into my mouth, then spit said vomit on the sidewalk and the vomit formed the word, “Blech.”  Yo, my vomit can spell!  I grabbed Brandon Maurer, but right as I was doing that I regretted it with every bone in my body.  Even the sexy bones.  Kevin McCarthy could also be the answer to who is the Royals’ closer.  He might also be the answer to, ‘What name do you think is Macaulay Culkin’s name in Home Alone when you can’t remember his character’s actual name?”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Juan Soto – 3-for-6 and his 6th homer, which is actually his 1st homer, because this game was a continuation of a game that started on May 15th, which was before he was called up, so, basically, he’s a time traveler.

For Juan Soto’s next trick, he’s going to homer in the 1st inning of the 7th game of the 1991 World Series and ruin Jack Morris’ case for the Hall of Fame.

— Razzball (@Razzball) June 18, 2018

Erick Fedde – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.63.  Fedde WOP!

Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.89.  He scarred me so badly I legit don’t even care what he does anymore.  I’m not sure I can ever go back in on Gray.  Thankful for the different name spelling because I enjoy picking my butt.

Aaron Hicks – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  Gardner is sidelined, but you don’t need the hedges here, Hicks is a hot schmotato.

Giancarlo Stanton – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .254.  A positive Giancarlo update and he didn’t homer?  It’s like getting a Buttery Nipple shot off Giancarlo’s chest.

Hector Neris – Demoted to Triple-A.  *tries not to laugh, exploding*  BLAHAHAHA!!!  Are you kidding?  I’m not saying Neris is good, but Kapler used him as the Phils closer as of this weekend.  What a jizzoke.  Seranthony Dominguez should be owned, either way.  Yesterday, Victor Arano tried for the save (and failed), but Dominguez had worked the two previous days.  Of course, with Kapler, the only thing clearcut are his abs.

Nick Pivetta – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 4.08.  You get why I keep telling everyone to hold Pivetta?  Doode’s got flame decals on his heart.  I get the ERA doesn’t look that pretty, but he’s pitching about as well as a top 25 starter.  You need to fall backwards and let Grey catch you (if you weigh under 55 pounds).

Odubel Herrera – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, and his 3rd homer in his last four games.  ODB, live and uncut, styles unbreakable, shatterproof!

Miles Mikolas – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 2.69.  Yo, the Regression Fairies make me cry.  I’m like, “Hey, Regression Fairies, can’t we all get along and just RuPaul’s Drag Race and chill and they’re like, ‘I’m gonna Mola Ram your heart out of your chest.'”

Matt Carpenter – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .235.  This Carpenter doesn’t even need a day of rest.

Yadier Molina – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .273.  Bunch of people asking to drop Molina, maybe this will quiet your busy mind.  My fantasy advice is your Calgon.

Tommy Pham – 1-for-5 and his 11th homer, hitting .269.  Has one of the most yawnstipating twelve-game hitting streaks, with one hit in each of the last ten games, coming off a month of May when he hit .195.  Now until mid-July will be a very telling time for Pham.  Is he our Brother Rob or Disco Bob?

Caleb Smith – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.91.  Ugh, this guy’s name is spraypainted on my ulcer.  It was the Giants, doode!  Their third hitter is Andrew McCutchen like it’s 2013 and we’re all talking about those randon people doing a Harlem Shake.

Andrew Suarez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.70.  One of the Stream-o-Nator‘s faves this week, and when you get the Marlins and the Padres in one week, your fortune cookie reads,”Person who uses Stream-o-Nator gets less indigestion than Trader Joe’s gyoza.”

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .271.  A Sandoval is what aliens call an hourglass and Sandoval’s hourglass figure has expired, but the sands of time never stop unless you turn it over.  That shizz is deep (if you don’t consider it for too long).

Hunter Strickland – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.84.  Gritted teeth.  Not now, Strickland.  Hot-breath, close-talker Mark Melancon is breathing down your neck.

Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-2, 2 runs and a homer, hitting .279.  Also, in this game, Adrian Beltre (1-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .322) homered.  Can you guess how many homers each player has?  I bet you can’t get within three of either.  No free trip to Acapulco for you!  No jacuzzi!  No Showcase Showdown!  Choo has 13 homers; Beltre has 3.

Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.31.  Never trust a Kennedy near anything associated with Texas.

Bartolo Colon – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.91.  This start was vs. the Royals, which obviously was very distracting for Bartolo who kept asking, “Royals with cheese?”

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.18.  If Yo-Lease is retractable, let it out, because his peripherals are hot garbage under your Grandma’s butt on a plastic-covered couch.

Trevor Williams – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 hit), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.00.  I’ve been moving people off Williams for a while now.  He was a sleeper, yes, but even there I said he was more for deeper leagues.  In shallower leagues, I’d use the Stream-o-Nator for him, which rarely likes him.

Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA up to 2.59.  Like a person who has an “I’m With Her” sticker on their Prius, I hate Cole.

Kevin Kiermaier – Aiming to return today, which puts him on pace to return to the DL around July 8th with three day-to-day situations between now and then.

Wilson Ramos – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .288.  The Rays’ lineup has gotten to the point where Ramos is hitting third, and it actually makes sense.  By the by, Curtis Jackson Cron (0-for-4, hitting .237) is a historic slump.  I blame The Sciosciapath for sending him a Rally Monkey with its head cut off.  A stuffed animal!  Take it easy, PETA!

Sergio Romo – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and the blown save.  When is SAGNOF so faceless that it no longer matters.  Damn that’s deep like some Wu lyrics.

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer.  Au Shizz!

Ketel Marte – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting near-.325 in the last week.  I’ve been rocking Ketel all year in one league (it’s a bit deep), but he’s making a case for shallower league attention.  Throw up that schmotato Bat Signal.

Kole Calhoun – 2-for-3, 1 run as he was activated from the DL.  You knew he’d be back at some point, because he’s a ginger and you can’t ever get rid of them.

Jaime Barria – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.57.  How do you pronounce his first name?  Hi-me?  Make it Bye-him.  If Siri’s reading the post to you, that’s not B-U-Y-him.  Also, read your own damn words.

Albert Pujols – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Fun fact!  He used to date Clara Peller in high school.

Justin Upton – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, and nearly hit a 2nd homer that was robbed by Dyson, The Human Vacuum.

Wilmer Flores – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer.  And a great batty call for yours truly!  Wait, Wilmer, why are you crying?  A batty call doesn’t need to be a one-night thing, I’ll call on you again, especially if Coors is involved.

Brandon Nimmo – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, and three homers in the last two games.  Finding Nimmo in Coors is fun for all ages!

Jay Bruce – Scratched from Monday’s lineup because the Mets can’t cut him, so they’re scratching him.

Jacob deGrom – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.51.  DeGrom better be careful how well he pitches in Coors.  He doesn’t want the 180 reversal of joy to sorrow like, “You’ve been traded…” “YES!” “…to the Rockies.”

Dylan Covey – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners (5 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 2.90.  About time Dylan Covey started pitching like Dylan effin Covey!  Now go back to eating D’s.

Matt Davidson – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games.  I’m kicking myself because I didn’t mention him yesterday.  I saw he homered on Sunday and I know he’s the type to hit a few homers in a few games, so hopefully you can grab him if you need a quick shot of power.

Carlos Carrasco – X-rays on his elbow are clean.  Sounds like he went to a Greek doctor who used Windex.

Jason Kipnis – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .207.  Bruce Willis is starring as Kipnis in the movie, Spring Training Narratives Die Hard!

Trevor Bauer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.50.  The greatest call in the history of 2018 was when I ranked Bauer 100 picks before every other ‘pert.  The champ is here! *walks into locked door*  Why is this door locked?!  I was reenacting Will Smith’s iconic portrayal of Muhammad Ali!