We Are Living In The Jo-Ram’s Sick Era

I was feeling reflective yesterday, so I turned to the mirror and said, I bought a toothbrush, some toothpaste–Mirror, “Please don’t sing that song.”–Pajamas, a hairbrush–“Please stop, please.”–New shoes, and a case!  I said to my reflection, where in my rankings did Jose Ramirez place?!–“NO MORE!”  I’d figured you’d like that song.  “No.”  You’ve heard it before?  “Shut up.”  Whoa, grumpy mirror.  Yet another great day from Jose Ramirez (1-for-2, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (22) and legs (10), hitting .291) is what brought about my reflection.  Through a 75-second detour through that website that puts everyone’s rankings together, I found out the person who ranked Jose Ramirez the highest last year ranked him 13th overall.  Then I looked at where I ranked him — jackpot in my ass! — I ranked him 13th overall.  I was the highest on Jo-Ram.  By the by, someone ranked Jo-Ram around 130th overall.  That person should quit this fake business.  Bonus if it’s Clara Bell.  In my rankings, I even said I wanted to rank Ramirez 12th, but wanted to separate Lindor and him.  Sadly, I didn’t draft Jo-Ram anywhere, because I drafted Lindor everywhere, and, by the time the draft came back to me, Jo-Ram was gone.  This was a fun trip down memory lane.  Unlike when Memory Lane intersects with Cody Bellinger.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Corey Kluber – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.10.  The funniest thing about yesterday’s game (extremely unfunny), Kluber didn’t even look like he was bringing his A game.  He was throwing 86 MPH slide-pieces with shrug emojis and the White Sox were removing their batting gloves on two-strike counts like, “Okay, this is unfair, game under protest, no one can hit that shizz.”

Jason Kipnis – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last three games.  When I dropped that Odortross from my teams, I nearly grabbed Kipnis, and might still.  He has been schmotato’ing (.333 in last week).

Brandon Morrow – Hit the DL with a sore lower back, which I presumed here after reading shizz elsewhere.  I grabbed Steve Cishek.  I tried to go Pedro Strop too, because I’m a save vulture and it’s a disease that causes me to spit up my food with stomach acid and re-digest my regurgitation while taking in saves.  Justin Wilson could even get 9th inning looks, but I didn’t go that far.  That is a SAGNOF too far for even me.  Alec Guinness in The Bridge Over The River ‘My Closer’s Down, Why?’ would say, “Show some dignity and grab a reliever!”

Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.10.  Great, fabulous, adjective, but Lester has one job as far as I’m concerned, since I don’t own him, and that’s to allow steals!  Nary a steal yesterday by the Dodgers.  P to the fft.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3 and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Also, it was the 2nd day in a row Joe Buck asked his mom to stop at a highway rest stop for “seven minutes in heaven.”

Franchy Cordero – Bone spur in his elbow and might need surgery.  Franch toast.

Wil Myers – Could return this weekend.  He called a fantasy owner to let him know how he was doing and the owner replied, “New phone, who dis?”

Joey Lucchesi – 1 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.86, as he was activated from the DL.  Guess picking him up for this start was not the move.  *paints self to look like traffic cone, volunteers to work the parallel parking portion of the driving test*  I didn’t even know that many runs allowed were allowed in Petco.  Have rules changed?  I’m assuming he’s not healthy and will be back on the DL any moment now.

Christian Villanueva – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .228.  “Are those smelling salts you’re curing that salmon with?”  “Yes, for Villanueva.”  “Well, it worked!  You un-lox’d him!”

Franklin Barreto – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer.  He was rarely starting, but with Chapman out, Jed Lowrie (2-for-5, 2 RBIs, 11th homer) has moved to 3rd and Barreto has started playing at 2nd.  Either way, that’s Situation: Fra-Bar.

Matt Olson – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .237.  Can’t believe Allahson has out-performed Rhysus so far.  Though, Carpenter has picked up some slack on the vague religious allusion front.  Guess we also still have the Greek God of Hard Contact who wears Nike.

Mark Canha – 1-for-5 and his 9th homer, and his 2nd homer in his last three games.  Canha isn’t just a verb for laughter, but could be a hot schmotato.

Frankie Montas – 6 2/3 Ip, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.41.  Nope, don’t fully buy it, however (we’re turning this ship!), the Stream-o-Nator loves his next start, and Montas has shown enough to trust him in a favorable matchup.

Ryan Braun – Out a few days after undergoing cryotherapy on his thumb.  You know those awful desserts at Italian restaurants that are sorbet inside of a fruit?  Well, Braun has that but as a thumb.

Jonathan Loaisiga – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.12.  Johnny Lasagna forced the Yanks to go to the penne early when his cheese turned out to be flat meatballs on the plate.  In most leagues, you can move on, though the Stream-o-Nator likes his next start, so I’m gonna stick around in a deeper league.  Like Baby Jessica, wish me well.

Gary Sanchez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .197.  I hate, hate, hurve catchers, but, c’mon, Sanchez is obviously not this bad.  He’s likely about to go off.

Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .255.  Sometimes I sing Lady Marmalade to a poster of Giancarlo, “Caramel mocha Giancarlo ya ya (oh yea)!”

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Grandpa, I found a letter you wrote to grandma during WWII, before I read it to you on your death bed for your last special moment, let me carelessly air dry it by a window–NOOOO!!!  Torenado!!!

Noah Syndergaard – Nearing mound work.  Hope he has his Local 606 member card.  The grounds crew union is very exclusive.

Dominic Smith – 3-for-5, 2 runs. He took over left field because Bruce is hurt and the Mets thought a guy who never played left before would be fun out there.  Smith is around that of a 12-homer, .235 hitter, so an upgrade on Bruce.

Sam Dyson – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and Reyes Moronta got the 1/3 IP save, when we learned a few things about Dyson:  he’s a Cuddle Boy, he’s a gingerbeard, he’s likely no longer the closer, and I hope he dresses up next Halloween as a door at a party with Hunter Strickland.  I always get major FOMO when new closers are appointed, and most of the time it ends up burning me when I grab the first guy who the managers say is closing.  I’d guess now it’s Tony Watson, Mark Melancon, Will Smith or, maybe even Reyes Moronta for the next save.  I’d grab them in that order.  And, yes, Bruce “El Grande Cabeza” Bochy may even try Dyson again.

Jose Altuve – 3-for-4 and his 6th and 7th homer, hitting .347.  Pretty much what I said for Gary Sanchez, but Altuve’s not hitting for a bad average, his power’s just been down.  Not ironic, even though he is 4’11”.  He’ll get hot for power; guys and five girl readers, players are who they are, until they prove they’re not.

Alex Bregman – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .268.  In the same vein of thought as Altuve, Bregman has yet prove he’s a 20+ homer hitter.

Max Kepler – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .226.  Member when I called Kepler a sleeper two years ago?  I meant it as in he’ll put you to sleep.  You need to read for my intention, not the words.

Michael Wacha – Left yesterday’s extremely mediocre start with an oblique strain.  Might be good for him to have a few weeks off to come back correct, unless he returns to face the Cubs, then don’t come back until the start after that.  Also, don’t want him to miss months with this injury like Robbie Ray.  Okay, so some caveats.

Yadier Molina – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in the last three games.  Yadda, yadda, Yadier.

Cesar Hernandez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer.  Cesar hit that ball TOGA!  No?  Okay.

Odubel Herrera – 3-for-4 and his 12th homer, and his 4th straight game with a homer, and fifth homer in six games.  I’ll get to the ODB lyric drop, but I watched Odubel’s at-bats and he is so locked in that Tony Curtis playing Houdini couldn’t get him out.  Ooh, baby, he likes it raw!  Now give him a pitch so he can hit it away, off a fastball or change, Bon Voyage!

Adam Morgan – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.50, and his 1st save.  It means nothing because Seranthony had worked too many previous games, or it means everything and Kapler has settled on a lefty with a career 5.07 ERA as his closer.  Not even sure this would be the fifth wackiest thing Kapler did this year.

J.A. Happ – 8 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.56 (with a battered Tepera giving up two inherited runs to lessen Happ’s glory).  We’re not here to talk about the time Prospector Ralph said Ohtani would be more valuable than Happ.  I’m not going to mention that all year, every time I mention Happ.  I just want to say Happ is pitching like a top 20 starter.  ERA be damned.

Kendrys Morales – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  I’d love to sit here and tell you I made a Kendrys batty call because I can choose hitters off waivers without a sentient, horny, grabby-handed robot like the Hitter-Tron, but it’s not true.  Thank you, you horny robot!

Kurt Suzuki – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .281.  Yesterday, frequent commenter, Fred Garvin MP said, “I’ve been meaning to ask you:  do you sing Kurt Suzuki’s name to the tune of 2 Live Crew’s “Pop that C**chie?”

Peter Bourjos – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer.  You wanted the Braves to test my theory from yesterday that they could get production from anyone they put in the outfield?  Well, eat a carrot, you horses who were saying nay.

Austin Bibens-Dirkx – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 0 Ks, ERA at 4.58.  Also, in this game, Isiah Kiner-Falefa (1-for-4) caught him, which was the first time two hyphenated names were a pitching-catching battery since Courtney Thorne-Smith caught Daniel Day-Lewis in a celebrity softball game at a Wal-Mart parking lot, which aired on VH-1.

Rougned Odor – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer.  HAHAHAHAHAHA–Breathe, Grey, breathe!  We’re losing him! *eyes roll back in head*  I think I’ll feel better if I just sit down.  OH MY GOD, I AM SITTING!!!

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer.  Moistasskiss!

Jakob Junis – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 4.43.  Been super yawnstipating in the last three starts, two starts that should’ve produced better results.  His next start isn’t terrible, assuming he avoids the guy named after a fish, so I might hold him in the deeper league, where I own him, but I could see moving on in shallower leagues.

Jeimer Candelario – 2-for-3 and his 11th homer, hitting .252.  As great as my Kendrys batty call was — thanks again, HT! — I did drop Jeimer earlier this week, which left the spot in my lineup.  I had dropped Jeimer because, woof, he’s been terrible recently. That’s not a good woof either like every woof that’s ever come from a dog.  I love dogs, y’all.  I’d be a crazy dog person with 17 of them if circumstances allowed.  I see a dog picture on social media and I’m slamming that Like no matter who’s posting it.

Niko Goodrum – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .248.  I wouldn’t say Goodrum is top shelf.

Tyler Mahle – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 3.89. Stream-o-Nator loved this start yesterday, and hates his next one, so if you grabbed him, stream on, streamer.

Scooter Gennett –  1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .336.  He’s definitely cooled off in June.  Ya know, he’s only hitting .320 on the month.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .295.  Oh, and in case you forgot, he’s putting up these stats in a season when he fractured his thumb.  Whoever peed on Eugenio’s thumb to make it so strong — Moises Alou?  A unicorn?  A lifeguard thinking it was a jellyfish sting? — get them to pee on anyone else who has hand problems ever.  Rich Hill, stick your hand through that glory hole!