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Jordan Hicks sounds headed for Tommy John surgery with a torn UCL. This sucks; don’t get me wrong, but it’s amazing all the people shocked by this news just because the Cardinals said on Sunday it wasn’t serious. I wish I could be that uncynical. I wish I could see the birds chirping and not a bird nagging another bird to take out the trash, or see the flowers and not think, “I wonder who’s buried under there,” but alas…So, with Jordan Hicks out for the next 14-18 months, who will close? Carlos Martinez has the makings of a two-inning closer, I guess, but, man or five women, it seems super dumb to continue Carlos Martinez down the closer route. Don’t they want him to start again at some point? John Gant’s been great until he defecated the sheet out of my fantasy bed on Sunday. He might still get some looks. Then there’s wild cards, Andrew Miller (if he were great like years past; he’s no brainer) and Tyler Webb, who is only in discussion because he got one save look the game where Hicks was hurt. I’d go C-Mart and Gant at 75% vs. 22% chance and everyone else at 3%. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Fernando Rodney – Called up by the Nationals. I know what you’re thinking. Oh, how sweet, the Nationals gave Rodney a ring to see how he was doing. It’s not that kind of ‘called up.’ They actually promoted him to their team.
Brendan Rodgers – Didn’t start due to Pat Valaika’s power bat (0-for-4, hitting .050). You have to admit it’s kinda hilarious the Rockies call up rookies and never play them. I mean, it is a little bit funny, right? Tell me my tears are from laughter.
David Dahl – 1-fgor-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and he went oppo taco in San Fran like he’s on a mission in The Mission?! Oh em gee, Dull tweaked his launch angle and he’s hitting bombs. Please, let it continue until September, I will give you my firstborn, which is a Teddy Ruxpin I’ve outfitted in a Giancarlo jersey.
Jon Gray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.92. Whatever Rockies starter I want one year, get them the next year. It’s just how it works.
Drew Pomeranz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 6.79. This was a Streamonator call, and I wish I was in on it, but his next one isn’t that bad either, so maybe I’ll go in on it.
Aaron Sanchez – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.89. This is what happens when the Jays set the bar at “just be better than Edwin Jackson.”
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-5 and his 10th homer, hitting .289. Imagine being so stubborn you’ve turned down Gurriel’s schmotatoely hitting for the last month. On our 30-day Player Rater, he’s a top 15 player.
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and a slam (10) and legs (3), hitting .264. Hitting near-.350 in the last week, and three homers in the last ten games. Could be another hot schmotato lurking under the cover of Glad Vuerrero.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. So what, so what, SO WHAT! Giancarlo hit his 1st homer on June 24th. Big deal! He’s going to hit 100 homers this week and be right on pace with Ketel Maris!
Aaron Hicks – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Love the way Aaron Boone is getting everyone playing time. Really helps my fantasy team when Aaron Judge and Luke Voit get days off.
CC Sabathia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.04. He’s pitched well, but he gets the Red Sox next in London, and the Streamonator hates it. Actually, wouldn’t trust any pitchers in London aside from Britton.
Tyler Glasnow – Shut down for three weeks following another MRI. When he was first sidelined in May, I said, “I’d be shocked if you get anything else good from him this year, especially the way he came out of the game, calling for the trainers himself.” And that’s me quoting me trying to break it to you again that Glasnow is done.
Ross Stripling – Will start on Tuesday for the Dodgers. Wait, that’s today! Holy schnikes! I don’t fully trust Stripling, but I could get there with a good outing or two. I’m as easy as a game of Scrabble vs. a toddler. “Doodie’s got two oh’s!” That’s me scolding a toddler.
Tony Gonsolin – Will spot start on Wednesday. He’s a 9th rounder from 2016, and 25 years old, so where ya been, cuz? He features four pitches, and tops out in high-90s on the fastball. Detective Pikachu could spot a nasty bullpen arm a MPH away. He hasn’t thrown more than 77 pitches since late-May, so I guess Urias is piggybacking with him. I could see a flyer for some Ks (9.5+ K/9), but doubt he goes past 5 IP.
Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.07, and he was pitchslapped by Zack Greinke (6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.08) who hit his 3rd homer. Greinke has two more homers than Giancarlo; I think I need to sit down. Oh, crap, I am sitting. Now what?
Christian Walker – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Hitting near-.450 in the last week, and three homers in the last ten games. Hot schmotato alert! Or hot stigmata alert, as my autocorrect always wants to write for Christian.
Lucas Giolito – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.87. Not as good recently as he was early on, but, Hayzeus Cristo, look at some other pitcher’s ERAs.
Jose Abreu – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. Love using Abreu as a barometer for how juiced the balls are. By this point in the season, Abreu is about a 13-homer hitter. So balls are juiced on average five homers. That’s cold hard math!
Yoan Moncada – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Or 8 homers if you subtract Cold Hard Math.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.87. Wish Ed-Rod would stop administering a stress test.
Mookie Betts – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer, hitting .266. Mookie not his Betts!
Brandon Workman – 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.75 and he recorded his 7th win, which would be leading all my fantasy teams. Next year, draft no pitchers, then pick up relievers in April when they start to show themselves as being good. That’s IRS — IRrefutable Strategy.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 1-for-2 and his 8th homer, hitting .218. Told you to pick him up about five weeks ago. Since May 19th, JBJ has a higher OPS than Bellinger, Rendon, Josh Bell and teammate, Just Dong.
Jon Lester – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.83. Of course, this comes right after I dropped him when he left multiple deuces on my team. Things are going well, said a’la Baby Jessica.
Willson Contreras – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .294. If it wasn’t for Gary Sanchez, we’d be talking about Contreras. Well, now that I think about it, we are talking about him. Right now. Here.
Javier Baez – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 5th steal, hitting .287. Someone complained about Baez, saying he wasn’t stealing enough. To whoever you are, Baez craves your approval, because he has three steals in the last week.
Julio Teheran – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.94. Apollo Creed’s manager should be walking behind the Regression Fairies screaming at each pitcher, “Throw the towel!”
Bryse Wilson – Will take over Faultynewtgingwitz’s spot. I own Wilson in one 15-team mixed league, where I drafted him in March, because I liked him so much. Don’t fully trust any pitcher, but Wilson could have a string of a month’s worth of starts where he’s ownable everywhere. He averaged around 10 K/9, 1.6 BB.9 in the minor leagues across two years in Triple-A. Or he’ll get knocked around with Wilson being mistaken for a volleyball.
Steven Matz – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.85. Not sure how close everyone is following the goings on in the Mets’ clubhouse recently. I’ll give you a quick summation: On Sunday, Mickey Callaway and Jason Vargas (!) threatened to beat up a Newsday reporter. Yesterday, Callaway apologized, qualifying it by saying Billy Martin used to beat up reporters all the time. Actually, Martin got into a fistfight with a reporter in a barroom, when he was drunk, but nevertheless. Also, Martin won games. But that brings us up to date. So, I guess my question is who’s going to punch Matz? If no one wants it, I’ll take it. Punch buggy blue and orange!
Michael Conforto – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .264. Lost in how terrible the Mets are, the Phils are pretty awful too. They’ve given up more homers than any other NL team, and it’s not close with the Rockies sixteen homers off their pace in 2nd. Doesn’t feel like that long ago we were saying the NL East was a tough division. The best pitching in the division is easily the Marlins.
Wilson Ramos – 3-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .279. On our Player Rater, Ramos is in 6th for catchers, just behind Omar Narvaez. Stop standing right behind Omar, you’re making him Narveaz.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. One more thing that’s going on in the world, that’s not fully fantasy related (though it is a bit, because Adam Eaton is basically telling us why he stopped trying after he received a contract):
Todd Frazier was right, Adam Eaton is an asshole https://t.co/fL1MuRwpVo
— Razzball (@Razzball) June 23, 2019
Jean Segura – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .277. I know it’s little consolation when Ketel Maris has 75 homers already, but, with the way the ball is jumping out of parks, I’d be shocked if Segura doesn’t get to 20 homers.
Scott Kingery – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 4th steal, hitting .333. Hopefully, Gabe Kapler keeps Kingery hitting leadoff, but I think there’s just as much a chance a pitcher is hitting leadoff for them, so I won’t hold my breath, and it’s not because auto-erotic asphyxiation doesn’t sound hot.
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-5 and his 17th homer. He started the scoring against Steven Matz back in *checks calendar* Was that only yesterday?
Zach Eflin – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.26. But he got the win, so that’s all that matters…*arranges tacks facing up on desk, bangs head down on tacks* Hey, look, I’m Abdullah the Butcher. *laughs maniacally* My pitching’s great! HAHAHAHAHAHA
