The Arm On, Arm On, Arm On, Arm On, Arm On Kaprielian

Yesterday, James Kaprielian went 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.53, and it’s time to dig in. Luckily, I watched him since it was an afternoon game. Looks like his sum is greater than his parts. Like a Honda. Ya know, no one ever talks about parts being better than a whole, which is always more likely. Like Tenet. Like The Irishman. Like a seven-course dinner anywhere. Amuse bouche? I’ll amuse you! Apps? Perhaps! Entree? Entry into my mouth! Cheese course? Okay, eff off. Mid-dinner sorbet to cleanse my palate? No, just bring me the damn dessert! So, Kaprielian appears to have a home run problem, but the Colossal-seum will help with that, and facing the M’s didn’t hurt. The command will be low 3-ish BB/9 with a 8.7-9.1 K/9. That’s roughly a high-3 to low 4 ERA with neutral luck, and a Streamonator call. Whispers softly, “He’s a mediOAKer starter.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Olson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .264. No lie, at this point, the best thing a player can do is just avoid the IL.

Marco Gonzales – Could return to the rotation next week. With a sore forearm? Yeah, that’s gonna be an mmkay from me, dawg. Marco’s gonna hit the IL again before you can say Polo.

Austin Hays – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Brandon Hyde said, “Guess who I am,” and 99% of the population had no idea he was the O’s manager. More like Brandon Hyde’ing in plain sight. DJ Stewart, who has been hot, takes over for Hays.

Trey Mancini – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, as he hits third. That’s right. Trey hits Trey. Must be easy for What’s His Face.

Luis Arraez – Hit the IL with a shoulder strain. Every baseball player this past offseason: “I think I’m going to lift weights,” then they lifted a canned ham and a tub of Cool Whip. (Except Vlad Jr. All praise to Vlad Jr.)

Byron Buxton – While trying to get healthy, he’s finding it hard to decelerate while running. Can the Twins cut a cartoon-like shape of Buxton out of the fence?

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.62, as he was activated from the IL. He must be happy to return from his abscess. Hehe, that’s for the people having Siri read this shizz to them. I like Pineda, but he’s not so good I wouldn’t use the Streamonator.

Miguel Sano – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Still has about seven more homers in his bat until he goes ice cold again for four weeks.

Dee Strange-Gordon – Signed with the Cubs. From Ernie Banks to the Team That Signed A Stick Drawing Named Dee Stranger-Gordon That Was An Elaborate Banksy, a verbal history.

Nico Hoerner – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Get well soon so I can do some more b’ing and m’ing about David Ross.

David Bote – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Has done little to nothing, but, with Nico in the Coerner nursing his hammy, Bote should get some playing time.

John Gant – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (3 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 1.81. You’d think The Regression Fairies would see this guy’s sexy eh-eff locks of hair and flock, but nah. This guy is walking through the eye of a hurricane every start, and not getting wet. At some point, he will look like a wet rat. No offense to his hair. It is beautiful.

Tommy Edman – 2-for-4 and his 3rd and 4th homer. Also, in this game, Edmundo Sosa went 1-for-3, 2 RBIs, hitting .375. Too bad the Cards don’t have an Edhombre, or a Tommy Sosa, because that would’ve been lit for Elias Sports Bureau. I mentioned this yesterday, but Edmundo Sosa has been great, and he will be in this Friday’s Buy, which is already available at our Patreon.

Marcell Ozuna – Hit the IL with a dislocated middle and ring finger, and he is expected to miss six weeks. If MLB players were horses, there’d be a shortage of bullets and a surplus of glue. They should just put entire teams on the IL, then have another list for guys who can play.

Guillermo Heredia – 1-for-4, 1 run. Should get the bulk of the at-bats with Ozuna out like a Zune. Heredia is the kind of guy who should be 100% rostered in NL-Only, and streamed in mixers.

Austin Riley – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, and 12th homer this month. Haven’t seen a bat this smoking since a Hollywood Blvd. Batman was hitting a joint.

William Contreras – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Live with me for a second. In the 15 team league where I picked up Contreras, I got six homers yesterday, but wait there’s more! A lot more. It’s like that almost every day. I have 125 homers on the year. That’s roughly a 375 homer pace in a 15 team league! Olson, Treat, Vlad Jr. Adolis, Riley, Devers…Stacked like Dolly Parton in an IHOP.

Nick Pivetta – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Regress, *itch! Sorry, was talking to a mosquito bite on my back.

Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .225. As Scooby Doo would say, “Renfroe!”

Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.29. After his no-hitter on April 15th, I wrote, “(G)ive him the AL Cy and let’s stop playing games. He’s always struggled with command in previous years, and I don’t think we can say those problems are completely in the rearview, but you never know when a guy turns the corner. The stuff, as they say, is there, so, yes, I’d pick him up in all leagues.” And that’s me quoting me! Not gonna put anyone on blast, because we’re all Grey’s children, but someone yesterday asked if Rodon was a streamer, and I nearly had an aneurysm.

Michael Kopech – He fell off the mound, and limped off the field, because: 2021.

Billy McKinney – Before the game was rained out, he was going to hit cleanup the Mets. The Mets are trying to field a team so bad, they’re now starting guys who aren’t even on their team.

Brandon Belt – Hit the IL. For the 7th inning stretch, teams should line up three players in full-bodied casts and have them wheel after an ambulance.

Stefan Crichton – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 6.59. Just out of curiosity, I went to look at the Player Rater to see how much Crichton is actually worth. He’s roughly worth about the same as the 800th best player. That is not worth it.

Nick Senzel – Hit the IL, and requires knee surgery. Senzel will miss two months, at least. This year a 20/20 player is someone who can get 20 IL stints and 20 times listed as day-to-day.

Tyler Naquin – Welp, I had my doubts about his playing time, but now that Senzel’s out until at least July, I’d grab Naquin in every league. Tyler Naquin is the 2021 shoe-in right now for the annual “Reds WTF HR Hitter” previously won by Scott Schebler, Scooter Gennett, Derek Dietrich, and Aristedes Aquino.

Lance McCullers – Hit the IL with shoulder soreness. Why do I feel like I’m gonna hit the IL just writing about MLB players?

Framber Valdez – Will make his season debut on Friday. The chance that he is a top 25 starter from this point forward is about as likely as him having a setback and being unable to pitch again for three months. I’m not being facetious. Look around the league, it’s a very real possibility. I am absolutely pumped about the return of Predator blood, which sounds like what Harvey Weinstein calls his penis.

Jose Altuve – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .311. Solid bounce back for Altuve, which is surprising because you wouldn’t think something so low to the ground could bounce very high.

Carlos Correa – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .269. What, was Joe Kelly not available?

Bryan Abreu – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save, as Ryan Pressly was posing for a sketch drawing for a milk carton. Pressly hadn’t been used in the last few days, and Dusty said he had a stiff neck. I grabbed Ryan Stanek in every league where I could, but this sounds day-to-day vs. long-term.

Luis Garcia – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.93. Big start vs. the Dodgers. Loving what I’ve seen from this guy. Built like an ox. Like an old school starter. They don’t build them like this any more. I sound like such an old man. Someone check Grey for gray.

Tyler Glasnow – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.57. Conspiracy Theory Alert! The Rays/Dodgers have avoided most of these silly soft tissue injuries, because they played the most games last year, so they’re able to stay healthier this year. Bellinger’s the only real injury, and that was super fluky, and not soft tissue nonsense. What do you think? Am I full on Triscuits or only slightly crackers?

Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .282. Went to look at his stats, because I was wondering if he’s gotten “better.” Meh, he’s better than 2020, but it would be hard to be worse. He’s pretty much on par with his 2019 season — 15 HRs, .270. Lowercase yay.

David Dahl – Hit the 10-day IL with a bruised rib. You gotta braise those things! This does answer the question about Dahl: Can he still get injured even when he no longer holds any promise? A resounding yes! Jason Martin was called up. “Jason Martin graduates! Jason Martin graduates!” Sorry, that happens to me every time someone has the last name Martin. One day I’m gonna be at a funeral chanting, “Aunt Clara Martin graduates! Aunt Clara Martin graduates!” Any hoo! Jason Martin was hitting well in the minors (7 HRs, 2 SBs, .302), but screams Quad-A. Worth monocle’ing.

Chris Paddack – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.61. Sonavabench! Is the universe mocking me? Is it going out of its way to make me feel pain? I started this schmohawk every start for the last two months, and he finally throws decently — more than 4 IP! Though, still less than 70 pitches, dubya tee eff? — and he’s on my bench. I’m glad he got pitchslapped by Eric Lauer. That’ll teach him.

Triston McKenzie – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.94, as he was recalled only a few days after he was sent down, due to Plesac’s runnin’ wild like Hulk Hogan. Triston figured out the way to fix his problems: start every time vs. the Tigers.

Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Surprised his ERA is that high. Granted, it’s not as surprising or depressing as it was yesterday realizing that Danny Glover was only 41 years old when he said, “I’m too old for this shit.”

Justin Upton – 1-for-5 and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. On Tuesday, I said he’d homer again on Wednesday, and today I say BEHOLD MY POWERS.

Taylor Ward – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .227. The Marla Gibbs Line! Still pretty much under assumption that Ward is an AL-Only, but maybe in a deeper mixer. By the way, if you have to ask if your league is deep enough, it’s not.

Griffin Canning – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.40. Dropped him after his last start, and ain’t looking back. Like a shark, gotta keep moving forward, and don’t try that shizz where you punch me in the nose. I will bite.

Dane Dunning – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.75. This start was in the Big A (hehe), and this is not your slightly older cousin’s Angels. This club can hit.

Joey Gallo – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .209. Joey Gallo didn’t get better for average, but, through perseverance and drive, he was able to hang on long enough until hitting .210 actually seemed good.

Adolis Garcia – 1-for-5 and his 16th homer, hitting .288. On the Player Rater, Adolis is around the best outfielder for the season, about the same as Acuña. Ya know, just as we all figured.

Nate Lowe – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .265. Can’t believe the Rangers actually pulled a fast one on the Rays, by getting Lowe. And the Rays had the advantage of being able to save on uniforms, by shoving two guys simultaneously into the Lowe jersey, and three once Josh Lowe comes up.

Luke Voit – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. He started feeling it last Saturday, and thought, “Well, isn’t that oblique? Don’t cha think?”

Corey Kluber – Hit the IL with a subscapularis muscle strain and will be shut down for at least four weeks. It’s the Curse of Johnny Vander Meer! Leave us alone, JVM! You ghost bully! Ooh, Ghost Bully, that sounds like a dope movie. “I’m going to take the long way, this drawbridge doesn’t seem sturdy.” Ghost Bully, “BOO HOO, BABY’S SCARED.”