Here’s an example from your own life. You walked into a bar and negged the first girl you saw. Told her she had nice hair, then immediately asked her how often she dyes it. Never worked before. This girl laughed and talked to your dopey ass. She even thought it was charming when you told her to pay the bar tab. Went home, had great sex and the next morning she’s moving some of her shirts out of her dresser, so you have room to bring a few of your things over. You tell her that’s not necessary and she shrugs, goes into the bathroom, calls her mother and starts crying loudly. Seemed awesome, turned out psycho. Now imagine she didn’t reveal she was psycho for three months. That’s Steve Pearce. At some point in 2015, he will start moving his shirts out of his dresser and you’re gonna feel real awkward. Right now, he’s insane. Yesterday, was part of that insanity as he hit two homers, bringing his season total to 20. No longer is the fortune cookie’s ending ‘in bed,’ it’s now ‘with Steve Pearce.’ There’s some noise about him changing his stance and that’s led to him having a breakout season. Yeah, don’t buy it. He’s 31 years old. Not the death knell for anyone, but when you’re barely rosterable as a utility man for a major league team for almost seven years, you don’t suddenly change your stance and everything’s great. He’s a 10-homer utility man, disguised as Jesus. It will end at some point in 2015, but for now Pearce your genitals, make the devil horns and ride the lightning! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Bud Norris – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks. Egads, what a terrible stream that ended up being okay. This Bud’s for you. The you there is whoever finds him on waivers after I dropped him.
Dioner Navarro – Out of the lineup after taking a foul tip off his mask. Jays said Dioner was a little fuzzy and wearing a tutu and singing a Lady Gaga medley, so they thought it was best to let him rest.
Gio Gonzalez – Another problem with H2H leagues. The Nats clinched so Gio was scratched yesterday, and that meant the Nats also started a bunch of backups. How is this fair for H2H leagues? It’s not; sorry, your argument is invalid.
Ryan Zimmerman – Played five innings in a simulated game. Said he felt good, and he just needs to work on his throws while wearing water wings.
Steven Souza – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Souza should be playing with The Glen Perkins Band.
Evan Gattis – Diagnosed with as kidney stone. This is after being sidelined for over a week with what the Braves were calling strep throat. Not sure how one confuses a strep throat with a kidney stone. Only thing I can think is Gattis still smells from his days off-grid, so the doctors diagnosed him from ten feet away like Bette Midler with Nick Nolte in Down and Out in Beverly Hills. New reference!
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 2.78. It was 1-0 with Wood losing thru five innings and I was beginning to think second verse, same as the first, then the Braves had an outpouring of a whole three runs and gave my Wood some runs! Which doesn’t sound weird at all! We’re at the point where I’m looking at every starter’s next matchup on the Stream-o-Nator to see if I should hold a pitcher or drop them. Everyone is droppable now. With that said, Wood’s next matchup is nice.
Andrelton Simmons – Left yesterday’s game with an ankle injury. He’ll never understand why you earthlings have ankles. Cankles are so much more reliable!
Jason Heyward – Left yesterday’s must-win game early with a sore thumb. So, my question is if the Braves offered him $120 million contract, would his thumb be in good enough shape to sign it? Well, would it?
Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.91. He deserved better than a no decision, and I deserve fame and fortune. Boo-freakin-hoo! Grow up, Bumgarner!
Brandon Crawford – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Damn, it burns me up when a guy I’ve been watching, meaning to call a hot schmotato because he’s been hot, goes off in a big way. Burns me up! Oh, well, there’s still time (maybe). I’d grab Crawford if he’s available, he’s been hitting for about a week straight now.
Andrew Chafin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Best thing about Chafin dishing? He keeps hitters hot.
Michael Wacha – Will return this Saturday. Probably will only go three to four innings. Or quicker than you can say, “A cockscomb is a what?”
Adam Wainwright – 9 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 2.45, record to 19-9. I liked Wainwright better when his arm was Doing the Bernie.
Mike Fiers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. How dare you not appear emotional frazzled from the Gallagher’ing you put on Giancarlo’s melon! Doeth thoust nay shame? Doeth thou shoelaces tieth on their owneth? How long should doeth continue? Since thou Prince was on Appolonia, since thou O.J. had Isoton’rs?
Carlos Beltran – Left the club to tend to a family issue. I’m not going to speculate what the issue might be, but if it’s a really long game of Monopoly between his wife and kids that won’t end without Dad making a ruling, I can understand it.
Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Alex Cobb (6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks). According to recently declassified documents, this isn’t the first time McCarthy has faced a Cobb. McCarthy is getting rave reviews for his next start on the Stream-o-Nator, but I don’t trust him at all. It could come down to whether or not the O’s are resting their regulars.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. I like when you play needy for my attention. Let’s see ten more days of that, merci beaucoup.
Lorenzo Cain – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Takes some brass ones to start a guy against Sale, or it takes not realizing Sale is pitching. Let’s assume it was the first in my case!
Yordano Ventura – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start, and, potatoes to chips, you gotta decide if you want to start him there now, or drop him for someone else. He could have another start after that or the Royals could clinch and he might be held for the playoffs, so how’s it gonna be, wish you would step back from the ledge my friend, it’s 3 AM I must be lonely– Sorry, my brain went to 90’s on 9.
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, also off Sale. Okay, Sale had a bad day. As a half-Jew, it’s hard to believe there’s ever a bad day for a Sale.
Chris Sale – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 2.20. Whenever he has a poor game, I just assume he didn’t feel like letting Robin Ventura push him to 125 pitches. A man’s gotta take matters into his own hands sometimes. Literally.
Glen Perkins – Could not have gone yesterday due to his neck. Glen Perkins and The Glen Perkins Band will cede to Jared Burton for saves until he’s feeling better. Glen Perkins said, “I’m leaving everything in my band’s hands. Hey now, that rhymes. I’m a hepcat.”
Danny Santana – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th steal, 3rd in as many games. Owning Dannys Antana is like wearing track pants with no gotchies. It’s so freeing.
Joe Mauer – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. He’s playing well for a fantasy team that was abandoned three months ago just to spite you.
David Price – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER. David Price gets you to the H2H playoffs, and David Price takes your small, modest dream, puts it into an airplane toilet, which causes massive blockage on your 12-hour trip, so you have to don one of your kid’s diapers.
Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA down to 3.45. You know shizz has gone pear-shaped when you look at a lineup and you’re like, “How are they supposed to score multiple runs?” That’s what I thought when I looked at the Red Sox’s lineup yesterday.
Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. I know, a lot of people are going to disagree, but Davis was the piece that really helped the Pirates believe they were good enough to win. On the day they got Davis, they had him stand on a sample of McCutchen’s stool, gathered the team around and repeatedly screamed, “We are not this bad!”
Neil Walker – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer. You know if I like him next year he’ll go back to his 14-homer yawnstipating option. You know that, right?
Yorman Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Ah, I know that trick, Reds, you’re starting your backups to try to confuse the legion of fans that are just now waking from a three-month coma. Comatose Reds Fan, “Hey, we must’ve just clinched!” McCarthy was right, Reds are sneaky! Yorman looks like he has the makings of a Bowden Fluffer. Some speed, some power, some amorphous tools that baseball people talk about. In NL-Only leagues, he’s worth a grab and see. Elsewhere, meh.
Giancarlo Stanton – Won’t play again this year. That’s good news, no reason for him to go out there with a Phantom of the Opera mask. Give me and him a full five months to apply cocoa butter to each other’s bits.
Donovan Solano – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Two days in a row talking about Solano can only mean one thing, he’s hot. Fun fact! Donovan didn’t want to tack a Junior onto his son’s name, so he named him, Minivan.
Henderson Alvarez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.82. My iPhone’s predictive text suggests, ‘Henderson’s a Quality Start machine,’ ‘For realies,’ and ‘Talk later?’
Dillon Gee – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Gee, it’s the Marlins. Gee, you suck.
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks in Petco. As Grey pointedly looked at A.J. Burnett.
Domonic Brown – 2-for-4, 1 run. Sure, he was awful all year, but I’d pick him up since he’s been hitting the last few days. That’s assuming you’re not in a league with Tehol where Domonic is locked into his death grip.
Ben Revere – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 46th steal. I almost accidentally wrote 46th homer. Then I laughed, then I napped and here I am!
Carlos Carrasco – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, (2 Hits), 12 Ks. The Indians, who also turned around Cliff Lee’s career don’t get enough credit, or maybe they do and I just don’t read Indian fan non-fiction. Is Carrasco in the same boat as Kluber for next year? No, but the only thing stopping him is the track record. If what he is doing right now can be trusted to continue next year, he’s as good as any top 20 pitcher. Since he’s coming on the scene late, he’ll be in the pile of upside starters floating in the top 40 next year. Like the Sonny Grays of the world coming into this year.
James Paxton – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA up to 2.06. C’est la poo. Stream-o-Nator hates his next start, but I can go either way on it, since I do love Paxton’s talent and, at that point, the Mariners might be playing for a playoff spot (one can hope!) and the Jays could be eliminated.
C.J. Wilson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. Dis sunsabeech, swears to the heavens, peaches like straight garbage when I stream him and peaches lights out when I don’t own him. Hmm, mixed results with English to Mafia Translator.
C.J. Cron – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. But, and it’s a Gilbert Grape’s Mom-sized but, he doesn’t start every day.
Jeff Samardzija – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA on the A’s down to 3.13, and 2.98 overall. Samardzija’s an interesting ranking for next year. I feel like the heat has come off of him since he stopped striking out and walking everyone while actually pitching better. Yup, makes no sensezija.
Sean Doolittle – 1/3 IP, 5 ER. I will no reenact someone who owned Doolittle that went to sleep before the A’s game finished. “I feel splendid! Hey, I make bed head look good. Maybe I’ll check out how my fantasy team did last night prior to jumping in the shower.” *checking team* “Hmm, maybe I’ll bring a toaster oven into the shower with me.” So, your team now looks like a toilet from Slumdog Millionaire. This was the first run Doolittle had allowed since July 6th, so I wouldn’t say he’s out of the job that quickly, unless he’s hurt still, which, after last night, could be the case. I know he’s at least hurt a lot of feelings.
Drew Stubbs – Didn’t start as the Rockies scored 32 runs. Holy sit!
Jorge De La Rosa – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. Rockies jumped out to a 17-0 lead in the 1st quarter, with three turnovers and a bad snap to the punter, and Jorge cruised into the W for the free room on the Ivictory Coast.
Charlie Blackmon – 5-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. One of the best waiver wire additions you could’ve made all year. Definitely the best waiver wire addition that shares a name with C. Thomas Howell’s character from Soul Man.
Justin Morneau – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 16th homer. If he didn’t call Coors home, he’d have ten homers on the year. Wrap your noodle around that, fluffy. You’re fluffy. It’s my pet name for you. Don’t make me explain it.
Rafael Ynoa – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, as he fills in for Arenado who’s dealing with The Phlegm Monster. Ynoa’s minor league stats don’t cry out, “I love you, man!” or really much of anything besides 25-steal speed. If you’re crazy desperate in a deep league, I could see giving him a whirl since he’s in Coors and all of their hitters give me beer goggles.
Hanley Ramirez – Didn’t start again. I look forward to Fox talking in the playoffs about what a superstar Hanley is. You know, so people draft him high again next year.
Carlos Frias – 2/3 IP, 8 ER. Makes sense now how his name ended up in the Spanish idiom, “Frias como mi huevos en Febrero,” which translates to ‘Cold as my balls in February.”
Darwin Barney – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. It took Barney 11 minutes to waddle around the bases and it took him another 20 minutes to clear the field of all the pre-kindergartners.