Here’s an example from your own life.  You walked into a bar and negged the first girl you saw.  Told her she had nice hair, then immediately asked her how often she dyes it.  Never worked before.  This girl laughed and talked to your dopey ass.  She even thought it was charming when you told her to pay the bar tab.  Went home, had great sex and the next morning she’s moving some of her shirts out of her dresser, so you have room to bring a few of your things over.  You tell her that’s not necessary and she shrugs, goes into the bathroom, calls her mother and starts crying loudly.  Seemed awesome, turned out psycho.  Now imagine she didn’t reveal she was psycho for three months.  That’s Steve Pearce.  At some point in 2015, he will start moving his shirts out of his dresser and you’re gonna feel real awkward.  Right now, he’s insane.  Yesterday, was part of that insanity as he hit two homers, bringing his season total to 20.  No longer is the fortune cookie’s ending ‘in bed,’ it’s now ‘with Steve Pearce.’  There’s some noise about him changing his stance and that’s led to him having a breakout season.  Yeah, don’t buy it.  He’s 31 years old.  Not the death knell for anyone, but when you’re barely rosterable as a utility man for a major league team for almost seven years, you don’t suddenly change your stance and everything’s great.  He’s a 10-homer utility man, disguised as Jesus.  It will end at some point in 2015, but for now Pearce your genitals, make the devil horns and ride the lightning!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Bud Norris – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks.  Egads, what a terrible stream that ended up being okay.  This Bud’s for you.  The you there is whoever finds him on waivers after I dropped him.

Marcus Stroman – Was suspended for six games for throwing at Father Caleb Joseph.  The sacrilege!

Dioner Navarro – Out of the lineup after taking a foul tip off his mask.  Jays said Dioner was a little fuzzy and wearing a tutu and singing a Lady Gaga medley, so they thought it was best to let him rest.

Gio Gonzalez – Another problem with H2H leagues.  The Nats clinched so Gio was scratched yesterday, and that meant the Nats also started a bunch of backups.  How is this fair for H2H leagues?  It’s not; sorry, your argument is invalid.

Ryan Zimmerman – Played five innings in a simulated game.  Said he felt good, and he just needs to work on his throws while wearing water wings.

Steven Souza – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer.  Souza should be playing with The Glen Perkins Band.

Evan Gattis – Diagnosed with as kidney stone.  This is after being sidelined for over a week with what the Braves were calling strep throat.  Not sure how one confuses a strep throat with a kidney stone.  Only thing I can think is Gattis still smells from his days off-grid, so the doctors diagnosed him from ten feet away like Bette Midler with Nick Nolte in Down and Out in Beverly Hills.  New reference!

Alex Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 2.78.  It was 1-0 with Wood losing thru five innings and I was beginning to think second verse, same as the first, then the Braves had an outpouring of a whole three runs and gave my Wood some runs!  Which doesn’t sound weird at all!  We’re at the point where I’m looking at every starter’s next matchup on the Stream-o-Nator to see if I should hold a pitcher or drop them.  Everyone is droppable now.  With that said, Wood’s next matchup is nice.

Andrelton Simmons – Left yesterday’s game with an ankle injury.  He’ll never understand why you earthlings have ankles.  Cankles are so much more reliable!

Jason Heyward – Left yesterday’s must-win game early with a sore thumb.  So, my question is if the Braves offered him $120 million contract, would his thumb be in good enough shape to sign it?  Well, would it?

Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.91.  He deserved better than a no decision, and I deserve fame and fortune.  Boo-freakin-hoo!  Grow up, Bumgarner!

Brandon Crawford – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI.  Damn, it burns me up when a guy I’ve been watching, meaning to call a hot schmotato because he’s been hot, goes off in a big way.  Burns me up!  Oh, well, there’s still time (maybe).  I’d grab Crawford if he’s available, he’s been hitting for about a week straight now.

Andrew Chafin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Best thing about Chafin dishing?  He keeps hitters hot.

Ender Inciarte – 2-for-5 and A.J. Pollock (2-for-5, 1 run).  Got some hits, yadda3.  I have now owned them for a few days waiting for them to go to Coors.  Today is the day, snitches!

Michael Wacha – Will return this Saturday.  Probably will only go three to four innings.  Or quicker than you can say, “A cockscomb is a what?”

Adam Wainwright – 9 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 2.45, record to 19-9.  I liked Wainwright better when his arm was Doing the Bernie.

Mike Fiers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  How dare you not appear emotional frazzled from the Gallagher’ing you put on Giancarlo’s melon!  Doeth thoust nay shame?  Doeth thou shoelaces tieth on their owneth?  How long should doeth continue?  Since thou Prince was on Appolonia, since thou O.J. had Isoton’rs?

Carlos Beltran – Left the club to tend to a family issue.  I’m not going to speculate what the issue might be, but if it’s a really long game of Monopoly between his wife and kids that won’t end without Dad making a ruling, I can understand it.

Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Alex Cobb (6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks).  According to recently declassified documents, this isn’t the first time McCarthy has faced a Cobb.  McCarthy is getting rave reviews for his next start on the Stream-o-Nator, but I don’t trust him at all.  It could come down to whether or not the O’s are resting their regulars.

Evan Longoria – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer.  I like when you play needy for my attention.  Let’s see ten more days of that, merci beaucoup.

Lorenzo Cain – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Takes some brass ones to start a guy against Sale, or it takes not realizing Sale is pitching.  Let’s assume it was the first in my case!

Norichika Aoki – 3-for-4, 1 run.  He’s on some kind of insane tear.  The hottest schmotato in all the land?  Steve Pearce.  Runner up?  Hmm, maybe Leonys Martin.  But third– THIRD! — is Aoki.

Yordano Ventura – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start, and, potatoes to chips, you gotta decide if you want to start him there now, or drop him for someone else.  He could have another start after that or the Royals could clinch and he might be held for the playoffs, so how’s it gonna be, wish you would step back from the ledge my friend, it’s 3 AM I must be lonely– Sorry, my brain went to 90’s on 9.

Alcides Escobar – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, also off Sale.  Okay, Sale had a bad day.  As a half-Jew, it’s hard to believe there’s ever a bad day for a Sale.

Chris Sale – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 2.20.  Whenever he has a poor game, I just assume he didn’t feel like letting Robin Ventura push him to 125 pitches.  A man’s gotta take matters into his own hands sometimes.  Literally.

Glen Perkins – Could not have gone yesterday due to his neck.  Glen Perkins and The Glen Perkins Band will cede to Jared Burton for saves until he’s feeling better.  Glen Perkins said, “I’m leaving everything in my band’s hands.  Hey now, that rhymes.  I’m a hepcat.”

Danny Santana – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th steal, 3rd in as many games.  Owning Dannys Antana is like wearing track pants with no gotchies.  It’s so freeing.

Joe Mauer – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs.  He’s playing well for a fantasy team that was abandoned three months ago just to spite you.

Miguel Cabrera – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, as Miggy told J.D. Martinez (2-for-4, 1 RBI) to eat his shorts and J.D. said, “They taste like Rumple Minze.”

David Price – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  David Price gets you to the H2H playoffs, and David Price takes your small, modest dream, puts it into an airplane toilet, which causes massive blockage on your 12-hour trip, so you have to don one of your kid’s diapers.

Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA down to 3.45.  You know shizz has gone pear-shaped when you look at a lineup and you’re like, “How are they supposed to score multiple runs?”  That’s what I thought when I looked at the Red Sox’s lineup yesterday.

Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer.  I know, a lot of people are going to disagree, but Davis was the piece that really helped the Pirates believe they were good enough to win.  On the day they got Davis, they had him stand on a sample of McCutchen’s stool, gathered the team around and repeatedly screamed, “We are not this bad!”

Gregory Polanco – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer.  I haven’t forgotten about you for next year.  We will be thick as thieves as the Pirates intended it.

Neil Walker – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer.  You know if I like him next year he’ll go back to his 14-homer yawnstipating option.  You know that, right?

Rusney Castillo – 1-for-4.  I already went over my Rusney Castillo fantasy.  I wrote it while singing Josh Rouse.

Yorman Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 1 RBI.  Ah, I know that trick, Reds, you’re starting your backups to try to confuse the legion of fans that are just now waking from a three-month coma.  Comatose Reds Fan, “Hey, we must’ve just clinched!”  McCarthy was right, Reds are sneaky!  Yorman looks like he has the makings of a Bowden Fluffer.  Some speed, some power, some amorphous tools that baseball people talk about.  In NL-Only leagues, he’s worth a grab and see.  Elsewhere, meh.

Kyle Hendricks – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Stream-o-Nator was insane in the area where its brain would be for this start, so I streamed him.  Then dropped him, after looking at his next start.

Giancarlo Stanton – Won’t play again this year.  That’s good news, no reason for him to go out there with a Phantom of the Opera mask.  Give me and him a full five months to apply cocoa butter to each other’s bits.

Donovan Solano – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI.  Two days in a row talking about Solano can only mean one thing, he’s hot.  Fun fact!  Donovan didn’t want to tack a Junior onto his son’s name, so he named him, Minivan.

Henderson Alvarez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.82.  My iPhone’s predictive text suggests, ‘Henderson’s a Quality Start machine,’ ‘For realies,’ and ‘Talk later?’

Dillon Gee – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Gee, it’s the Marlins.  Gee, you suck.

Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks in Petco.  As Grey pointedly looked at A.J. Burnett.

Domonic Brown – 2-for-4, 1 run.  Sure, he was awful all year, but I’d pick him up since he’s been hitting the last few days.  That’s assuming you’re not in a league with Tehol where Domonic is locked into his death grip.

Ben Revere – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 46th steal.  I almost accidentally wrote 46th homer.  Then I laughed, then I napped and here I am!

Carlos Carrasco – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, (2 Hits), 12 Ks.  The Indians, who also turned around Cliff Lee’s career don’t get enough credit, or maybe they do and I just don’t read Indian fan non-fiction.  Is Carrasco in the same boat as Kluber for next year?  No, but the only thing stopping him is the track record.  If what he is doing right now can be trusted to continue next year, he’s as good as any top 20 pitcher.  Since he’s coming on the scene late, he’ll be in the pile of upside starters floating in the top 40 next year.  Like the Sonny Grays of the world coming into this year.

Roenis Elias – Likely done for the year.  That means Taijuan Walker could be moved into the rotation.  “Told you he’d get in the rotation.”  Oh, shut up, March Grey.

James Paxton – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA up to 2.06.  C’est la poo.  Stream-o-Nator hates his next start, but I can go either way on it, since I do love Paxton’s talent and, at that point, the Mariners might be playing for a playoff spot (one can hope!) and the Jays could be eliminated.

C.J. Wilson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Dis sunsabeech, swears to the heavens, peaches like straight garbage when I stream him and peaches lights out when I don’t own him.  Hmm, mixed results with English to Mafia Translator.

C.J. Cron – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer.  But, and it’s a Gilbert Grape’s Mom-sized but, he doesn’t start every day.

Jeff Samardzija – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA on the A’s down to 3.13, and 2.98 overall.  Samardzija’s an interesting ranking for next year.  I feel like the heat has come off of him since he stopped striking out and walking everyone while actually pitching better.  Yup, makes no sensezija.

Sean Doolittle – 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  I will no reenact someone who owned Doolittle that went to sleep before the A’s game finished.  “I feel splendid!  Hey, I make bed head look good.  Maybe I’ll check out how my fantasy team did last night prior to jumping in the shower.”  *checking team*  “Hmm, maybe I’ll bring a toaster oven into the shower with me.”  So, your team now looks like a toilet from Slumdog Millionaire.  This was the first run Doolittle had allowed since July 6th, so I wouldn’t say he’s out of the job that quickly, unless he’s hurt still, which, after last night, could be the case.  I know he’s at least hurt a lot of feelings.

Drew Stubbs – Didn’t start as the Rockies scored 32 runs.  Holy sit!

Jorge De La Rosa – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Rockies jumped out to a 17-0 lead in the 1st quarter, with three turnovers and a bad snap to the punter, and Jorge cruised into the W for the free room on the Ivictory Coast.

Charlie Blackmon – 5-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer.  One of the best waiver wire additions you could’ve made all year.  Definitely the best waiver wire addition that shares a name with C. Thomas Howell’s character from Soul Man.

Justin Morneau – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 16th homer.  If he didn’t call Coors home, he’d have ten homers on the year.  Wrap your noodle around that, fluffy.  You’re fluffy.  It’s my pet name for you.  Don’t make me explain it.

Rafael Ynoa – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, as he fills in for Arenado who’s dealing with The Phlegm Monster.  Ynoa’s minor league stats don’t cry out, “I love you, man!” or really much of anything besides 25-steal speed.  If you’re crazy desperate in a deep league, I could see giving him a whirl since he’s in Coors and all of their hitters give me beer goggles.

Hanley Ramirez – Didn’t start again.  I look forward to Fox talking in the playoffs about what a superstar Hanley is.  You know, so people draft him high again next year.

Carlos Frias – 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  Makes sense now how his name ended up in the Spanish idiom, “Frias como mi huevos en Febrero,” which translates to ‘Cold as my balls in February.”

Darwin Barney – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer.  It took Barney 11 minutes to waddle around the bases and it took him another 20 minutes to clear the field of all the pre-kindergartners.

 
  1. The Theory says:
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    Man, Carassco kind of came out of nowhere on me. Streamed him once, then dropped him like I do with any streamer, then someone else grabbed him and now I’m just left reading about how awesome he is here after every start.

    C’est la vie.

    Assuming position is irrelevant, Aramis Ramirez or Jacoby Ellsbury ROS?
    (Prob. a dumb question, but I’ve never owned Ellsbury before and all of a sudden I see him sitting on the wire, and I’m now all suspicious-like.)

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @The Theory: Yeah, shizz happens… Ellsbury

  2. Abdoozy says:
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    When Doolittle wound up on waivers last week I grabbed him, and dropped Rodney, because I was sick of all the drama. Tired of seeing FRod with a 4.5 era and 2+ WHIP.. Hell with that, I thought. Doolittle is a no brainer upgrade.

    Yeah, I’m a farking genius at this…

    • Ante GALIC says:
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      @Abdoozy: Made the same move myself and thought this could not be possible before finals week. That said, the week is not over yet. Bon courage, man!

      Cheers,
      Ante

  3. Ante GALIC says:
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    Grey!

    Nice stuff, man! As a proud Doolittle owner in 2 leagues, am grateful you advised me to sit him this week over Chapman and Jansen – even if both have put up a collective zero this week – in that other league where I didn’t have gr8 options I’m still alive. As my poker friends are apt to say, ‘What can you do when you live in a shoe?’, in reference to the Mother Goose poem ‘There was an old lady who lived in a shoe.’

    I thought the title today would be (please indulge me this one moment of happiness, JeF):

    To get good Wood, Pearce it with hot Carrasco sauce (I hope Sky approves).

    Cheers,
    Ante

    • JeF With 1 F says:
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      @Ante GALIC: Ha i like it….just have to be careful, to much Carrasco sauce can cause Fire Tail.

        • jef with 1 f says:
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          @Grey: Ha, ill save it for next year

          • Grey

            Grey says:
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            You better! (Save what?)

            • jef with 1 f says:
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              @Grey: Fire Tail!! its found a home in Carrasco sauce, need to make sure hes real though before i bestow that name upon him.

              • Grey

                Grey says:
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                Ah, yes… Fire tail! That is a good one, but he must earn a nickname like Duda… Hey, whatever happened to Duda?

                • JeF With 1 F says:
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                  @Grey: I dont want to talk about it,

                  • Grey

                    Grey says:
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                    It’s best if you get it out

                    • JeF With 1 F says:
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                      @Grey: im starting a petition to outlaw lefty pitchers in baseball on his behalf

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
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                      I’ll sign it

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Ante GALIC: Ha, nice! Sky approves, I’m sure of it

  4. Michael Durkee says:
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    Is Lagares out for the season? I dropped him and replaced him with Flores. Also…what is wrong with Wong….I just picked up Xander Bogaerts. Ok to drop Wong?

  5. Matt says:
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    Does Ortiz return to the lineup today?

    • mike durkee says:
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      @Matt: Ive read probably not till the weekend series. I hope soon, I need some HRs…

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Matt: Not sure

  6. papasmurf says:
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    Picked up Pearce after I lost Stanton. Big G’s spirit must have teleported into Pearce’s skull. He’s just not missing the hittable pitches now.

    Decided to play safe with ERA/WHIP and sat Fiers. Shoulda done that with Price instead. Wonder how much the inferior DET D (compared to TB) has hurt him.

    Shark really helped me out though, but then Little Doo pooped all over it.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @papasmurf: I can’t imagine Price’s game was all D problems, but I didn’t see it… Yeah, cost me a Shark win I could’ve used

      • papasmurf says:
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        He has been uncharacteristically giving up a lot of hits lately after that strong run.

        In regards to the DET D, Smyly and Porcello were able to get it done with the same D so it cannot be their fault. I was just wondering since TB’s D is stronger and theoretically can prevent more hits.

        Ironically, Price is my least reliable SP now… (punted Sonny Gray)

        Saw in another forum that Shark has allowed 0 ERs in 7 outings and has 0 wins. (I haven’t checked to verify whether that is true, but it is close.)

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          That’s crazy on Shark, the A’s suck right now, they’re being no-hit by Nick Martinez…NICK MARTINEZ!

          • Grey

            Grey says:
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            Well, I jinxed Nick, but it’s still bad

  7. JeF With 1 F says:
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    FACT OF THE DAY:
    Panda Bears eat up to 16 hours a day.
    That explains a lot.

    • nick the dick says:
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      @JeF With 1 F: umm ive heard via some stupid commercial that they sleep 16-20 hours a day, how are they eating that whole time? Perhaps you meant sleep…

      • Militant Vegans says:
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        @nick the dick: i think it’s koalas that sleep that much

    • nick the dick says:
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      @JeF With 1 F: take into account i dont know shit and get all my info from phone commercials, maybe youre right and im just some asshole

      • JeF With 1 F says:
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        @nick the dick: Im always right nick…stay away from the inphonemercials Ha ha

        • nick the dick says:
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          @JeF With 1 F: what a coincidink, i’m always wrong! Portmanteau points for ya.

    • kisses says:
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      @JeF With 1 F: Fact: Ron Artest changed his name to Metta World Peace and now it is The Pandas Friend.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @JeF With 1 F: Yeah, but they just chew one piece of bamboo for those 16 hours… Very Atkins friendly…

      • jef with 1 f says:
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        @Grey: There is a panda in san fran that does more then just chew…he swallows

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Rawr!

  8. J says:
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    Hey Grey,

    Just wanted to say thanks for all the advice throughout the season.
    I’m in the championship week of my league, but its looking grim.

    Anyways I have one more move to use on a pitcher.

    Who do you like out of:
    Gausman vs BOS
    Colome vs CWS
    Pomeranz vs PHI
    Simon @ STL
    Vogelsong @ SD

    Thanks!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @J: No problem…. What does SON say? Vogelsong

  9. mike durkee says:
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    Hello again. Im looking at adding either Crawford or Aoki, dropping Blanco.

    And thank you for all your expert advice. I can clearly say that im up 7-3 in my Championship series as a result of reading everything you guys post.

  10. Jobu Needs a Refill says:
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    I feel ya Grey…in the championship round looking great with a pristine ERA/WHIP due to DeGrom, Wood, Liriano, McHugh outings only to have Doolittle drop a deuce on my week.

    By the way…thanks for the advice in your columns this year. Half the league is wondering how I’m winning with all these non-household names!

  11. Fungazi says:
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    Wow Doolittle is an asshole, I’m that guy that found out this morning. He gave up more runs than my 4 SP so far this week – Cobb, Arrieta, Odorizzi, Fiers COMBINED. Should I drop him? Feels like I don’t want to see him on my team ever again if he’s capable of doing that.

    • Ante GALIC says:
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      @Fungazi: Ditto, Fungazi! I actually woke up when he started the 9th but only 5 minutes before I have to work (I’m working in Lebanon EST+7 hrs)! CBS was super slow with the action so I relied on the chat room a la “JD nailed Odor at 3B, they are going to review it. For sure he slid past the bag at 3B.” I left after that thinking that MAYBE they could vulture the win for him now that Andrus had scored. When I got to the office 10 minutes later…well you know the rest.

      Cheers,
      Ante

      • goodfold2 says:
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        @Ante GALIC: one of the worst calls of the year, it’s as if they’re replay didn’t have the same freeze frame those of us watching it saw.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Fungazi: Depends who you’re dropping him for and if you need saves

      • Fungazi says:
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        @Grey: I have Allen, Melancon, Storen, and Davis (was getting some saves, not sure if he’s still closing?). Would drop him for a Sunday streamer and maybe bench him until then if he’s hurt or something.

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Drop him for a streamer, Davis looks droppable too, still don’t know if you need saves, just that you have closers

  12. Joe says:
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    Streamonator has Ervin going on Sunday against the Mets. Yahoo/Rotoworld have him as Monday against WAS, and mlb says Sunday and Monday’s starters are TBA. Should I hold on to Ervin and hope he goes Sunday or drop him to stream Hughes tomorrow?