Oakland promoted Franklin Barreto this weekend, and a friend of mine who I only see when he’s mowing my lawn said, “You got to go to The Mission if you really want a Barreto.” Recalling my 1600 Yelp reviews of every Chipotle in Los Angeles county, I exclaimed, “No way, Jose!” But he replied, “Mr. Grey, my name is Julio.” Then we laughed, and, even though he laughed with jajajajaja and I laughed with hahahaha, we found a common ground. As for fantasy, Prospector Ralph said, “Barreto offers hard contact, some speed. Gets caught a lot, and who knows how much the A’s send him. He’s exciting though. Upside guy with a low floor this season. Now can I go back to bitching about Tanaka?” There ya go! Right from the prospect whore’s mouth! I tried to get Barreto in all of my leagues, but, alas, he was gone. Yesterday, he went 2-for-5, 1 run, after homering in his first game on Saturday. He’s worth a flyer in all leagues in case he sticks with Semien. Ew. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.45 vs. Derek Holland – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.26. This was a matchup billed as Holland vs. Gray; city where marijuana is legal vs. me; whoa, dude vs. I!
Austin Bibens-Dirkx – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.68. His last name is pronounced like “chicken-turkeys” but with some Bs. I’d use the Stream-o-Nator for Chicken-Turkeys with some Bs, and it doesn’t like his next start.
Matt Bush – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. Struggled a bit through the week, but the Rangers gave him a vote confidence, and he went out and performed admirably, in honor of the Rangers starting D. Robinson at 2nd.
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .257, and his 2nd homer this week. Fun fact! He has a sister, Trish-Sue Ah Choo, who the family calls Kleenex.
Joey Gallo – Was sent back to Texas to have his hamstring evaluated. How’s that song go, all my x-rays are in Texas…
Michael Pineda – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.12. Pineda’s slow ERA increase is like the yodeler on The Price is Right, and at some point soon he’s going to fall off of fantasy teams.
Aaron Hicks – Left yesterday’s game with an oblique injury, and will miss a month. Oblique means vaguely terrible.
Corey Kluber – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 3.24. The other day Cougs said to me, “Why did you call me Corey during…ya know?” I said, “Because I thought about how it was during the throes, and I thought about how Corey throws, and he struck out 13 guys for my fantasy team, and, well, you do that, and I’ll start calling your name out.” She now understands what it’s going to take, but I’m not sure I’d pick her up in mixed leagues yet.
Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (0 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.80. His peripherals are: 6.9 K/9, 3.1 BB/9, 4.83 xFIP. I get it, you’re not in a league with those stats, but Ervin’s getting by with a whole lot more than magic.
Eddie Rosario – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .280. I watched his home run yesterday, and, he looks like a guy that could have a Scott Schebler-type breakout. Maybe not this year, maybe next year, maybe I’m a landscape architect with all of these hedges.
Homer Bailey – 1 2/3 IP, 8 ER in his 1st start back. Wow, he’s in midseason form from the jump.
Scooter Gennett – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .308. *looks at Odor’s numbers, looks at Scooter’s numbers, climbs to highest point in house, free falls seven feet into kitchen counter*
Joe Ross – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.40. He’s been marginally terrible so far this year, and he gets the Cubs next which sounds marginally terrible, and two negatives equal…Yeah, I never understood that two negatives equaling a positive thing. I’m gonna say that’s fake news and Ross is a no-go.
Michael Taylor – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and homered twice on Saturday. There’s a hot schmotato, and then there’s a full stop, all caps hot schmotato. Taylor’s like Altuve getting cereal, on the latter.
Tanner Roark – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.15. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Stream-o-Nator. I nearly streamed Roark, but he was a negative and I thought better of it. Well, technically, I didn’t think anything, I simply read.
Keon Broxton – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (13) and legs (13). Someone’s got the best kind of OCD! He’s now got a .350-ish average in the last week with five homers in the last eleven games and three steals.
Travis Shaw – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, and fourth homer in his last ten games, hitting .289. Serious question: leading the Brewers in homers at the end of the year will be Thames or Shaw?
Julio Teheran – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.30. Bombs Over Baghdad either needs Tommy John surgery, or some other arm surgery. Doode’s a straight mess.
Lance Lynn – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 3.86, after being at a 2.69 ERA two starts ago. On Saturday, this was Lynn between innings, “There’s someone at the clubhouse door saying they’re a land shark, but, when I open it, there’s a man spraying lavender and wearing rainbow socks.” It’s the Regression Fairies!
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer as he was recalled. He should DH once a month and play 3rd. I’m kidding, I have no idea what the Cardinals are going to do with their outfield now. Pham’s been like something out of a Bruno Mars song — too hot, hot Pham! — Piscotty is one of the Cards’ best hitters, though has struggled, and Fowler’s in center.
David Price – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.76. Time travel time! *wavy lines* Oh, wow, here we are in 2019. So cool! Hey, what’s that on TV? David Price? Why’s he pitching with a suit on? Wait, he’s throwing to John Kruk? He’s a baseball commentator and no longer playing?! Oh my God, what’s that– *wavy lines* Wait a second, did they just interrupt that broadcast to hear from our ruler, an evil dolphin?! Is Darius Rucker of Hootie and the Blowfish a time traveler and that’s why he was singing, “Cause the dolphins make me cry?!” I need to go back and save humanity!
Mitch Moreland – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Doug Fister – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Parker Bridwell – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.95. This matchup of Fister/Bridwell was billed as, “You didn’t think that was happening on your wedding night, did you?”
Yusmeiro Petit – 2 IP, 0 ER and the save yesterday; Blake Parker with 1/3 IP and the save on Saturday. Tomorrow, the field! The Sciosciapath is now using his bullpen like he has no idea when the ninth inning is. Petit and Parker are solid MRs, and could be solid closers, but I don’t think that is what is happening here. I’d put the closer shituation in Los Angeles Is 40 Minutes North Of Anaheim at Norris, Street and Bedrosian, which is not to say Petit and Parker aren’t worth owning.
Kyle Hendricks – Played catch this weekend. Then patted a little kid on the head and bought him an ice cream. Unfortunately, the little kid was a midget and part of a pedophile sting operation. I’m sure this will all get cleared up.
Jason Heyward – Hit off a tee on Sunday. Though, it looked more like an upside down T, maybe a J or an L.
Addison Russell – Left Sunday’s game due to his sore shoulder. He’s been dealing with this injury for a few weeks now, and should likely be DL’d, but who am I tell someone how to run their team? Not rhetorical, feel free to answer.
Mike Montgomery – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.03. I just went over my Mike Montgomery fantasy in Friday’s Buy. It was written while half-standing and half-sitting in a gender neutral bathroom.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3 and his 20th homer, hitting .274. True story, Cougs and I were out to dinner on Friday night and the waiter’s name was Giancarlo and he said, “Do you want to hear the specials?” and I said, “You’re the specials,” then growled.
Jon Gray – Will return next weekend. As much as you trusted him before, you should trust him again as soon as he returns, because he didn’t have an arm injury, it was a fractured foot. Or meter, if a Brit is reading.
Yasiel Puig – Out with a hamstring injury. Or simply Puigstring.
Brandon McCarthy – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.25. I feel like I should thank McCarthy for this stream just as Dalton Trumbo once thanked him.
Cody Bellinger – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 23rd and 24th homers. Ugh, those home runs mean they’re gonna have to use White-Out on his Cooperstown plaque.
Blake Snell – Will return on Wednesday to start vs. the Pirates. Get out the planks, because Snell will bring the walks. In his first merry-go-round, Snell walked guys at a 5.4 BB/9 clip, so I’d wait and see before diving back in like our future evil dolphin ruler.
Derek Norris – Designated for assignment by the Rays because they got back Wilson Ramos. Norris has now been released for Wieters and Ramos in the span of a few months. That’s gotta be a blow to the ego like Bill Simmons being replaced by Magic Johnson because he speaks better on camera.
Jacob Faria – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.10. Those starts weren’t cakewalks either. “Did someone say cakewalk?” Easy, Billy Butler. Been about as impressed by Faria as I have by any young pitcher.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, and his 2nd in as many games. Everyone’s now hitting 40+ homers, but someone forgot to tell Longoria and he’s on his usual 27-homer pace.
Zach Britton – Aiming to return July 5th. July 4th was out of the question because that’s a day of mourning for the Brittons.
Trey Mancini – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .321, and four homers in his last ten games, and two homers in two games, and–Long live Schmotato Mancini!
Lance McCullers – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.53 as he was activated from the DL. When McCullers was activated, it was like ever karaoke singer in the world who was singing Neil Diamond’s Heartlight was singing it for me.
Dallas Keuchel – Likely out until the 2nd half. This seems to be a case where the Astros are running away with the division and they’re giving their ace plenty of rest for what they think will be a long postseason.
George Springer – 1-for-3 and his 22nd homer, hitting .280. Good to see him go deep again after the HBP on the hand last week. Here’s to eighteen more homers, and an even 40.
Yulieski Gurriel – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .279. Did I miss an announcement where he decided to shorten his name to Yuli? Sounds like a professor of mathematics in Moscow. “If we have four babushkas and three people with head colds, how do we warm all three without wasting any babushka?”
Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.18, after spending the year in middle relief. The Diamondbacks could literally ask anything of Delgado and he’ll succeed. Well, except how to divvy up babushkas in Gurriel’s blurb. That’s an impossible task.
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .238. His home runs are: when exit velocity meets launch angle.
Madison Bumgarner – Pitched in a rookie game, and could be ready to return soon after the All-Star break. If he does, he’ll return to full health faster than his idol, Evel Knievel.
Zack Wheeler – Threw a 72-pitch bullpen session on Sunday. Or as it was reported in the Iraqi Daily News, “Wheeler threw a pitch for every virgin awaiting us in heaven.”
Wilmer Flores – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 7th home run on Saturday. Wilmer Flores is having a solid season, especially when you take into account he has to have dinner on the table at 5:30 PM every day when Fred Wilpon gets home from the quarry.
Michael Conforto – Left yesterday’s game after being hit on the wrist. If I were him, I would’ve stuck my wrist towards the pitch too. The Mets don’t deserve him. Conforto, a lefty, was being sat against multiple righties, but started the last two games vs. lefties while being moved down the order. Mets make decisions like this: insert GIF of dumpster fire.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer, and 3rd homer in the last week. Now that Terry Collins got the pesky Conforto out of the way, Grandy could have some schmotato tendencies.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, as he continues to hit leadoff. If today’s managers were managing 90 years ago, Babe Ruth would’ve been a leadoff hitter, and Lou Gehrig would’ve been batting 9th to turn the lineup over.
Roberto Osuna – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks on Sunday, but said on Saturday he’s dealing with anxiety, and he was physically able, but mentally incapable of pitching on Friday. You’re 22 years old, can get any flannel-wearing Canadian female you want, and will be a multi-millionaire by the time you’re 25. He needs to talk to Rick Moranis to see how he dealt with similar obstacles. If you’re speculating on the Jays’ bullpen, I’d grab Ryan Tepera. By the way, between Tepera and Osuna, the Blue Jays have put together the strongest bullpen challenge yet to Godzilla.
Jorge Bonifacio – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer. Internal monologue, “Divert your eyes away from comparing Bonifacio to Odor.”
Jason Vargas – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.29, moving his record to 11-3. Commissioner Rob Manfred lowers his Cohiba, squinting through the smoke, “We’ve ruined all pitchers except Jason Vargas?” A hunchback servant catches Manfred’s ashes in his hand, wincing from the burning ember, “Commissioner, we believe Vargas is an anomaly.” “I never saw that French movie.” “That was Amélie, sir.” “Shut up, Ashy!”