Franchy Cordero went 1-for-4 with his first homer as he was called up and hit leadoff. Franchy! Franchy! Franchy! Holy almond tart, no Franchy pan for me! I won’t pan Franchy’s tools, I won’t suffer any fools, I want Franchy, man, pardon my drools. Franchy is the kind of player you watch and you’re like, “Can I own him in every league on the basis of his sprint speed?” By the way, Franchy has crazy sprint speed yet wasn’t able to make it out there for the brawl — hand on chin emoji. Franchy seems like the kind of guy that will be better in fantasy than in real life. Think about the outfield version of Tim Anderson. I grabbed him in a few leagues to see what happens. Remember, Franchy Cordero marries the best of French and Ranch dressing which is, um, I dunno, do I look like a senior citizen or a sorority girl? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nolan Arenado – Yesterday, after Perdomo threw behind Arenado, he charged the mound like a whirling dervish, like, say, a Torenado. This sucks because now Arenado will be suspended. Why does anyone ever charge the mound? The success rate of hitters charging pitchers is around 1%. They run out there, pitcher dodges them and then the entire team gets between the two. After 100 years of data, you’d think hitters would get smart to charging the mound. The fake walk to 1st has its merits. Maybe go to first, wait for the windup, then sweep his legs. It honestly feels like no one actually wants to fight when they charge the mound.
Eric Thames – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Starting to think he enjoys hitting in April. This year, once again, Thames has his owners wearing ROS-Colored Glasses.
Matt Albers – 2/3 IP, 0 ER and the save. When a guy isn’t brought in to start an inning in a 3-1 game as Albers wasn’t, he’s a closer with an asterisk. Usually all it takes is one save, which Albers got, so for now, I’d say he’s the de facto closer, but he fits that role about as well as he fits a size medium.
Junior Guerra – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.69 vs. Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.06. This matchup was billed as, “War, And What Are These Two Pitchers Good For? HUH! Absolutely Nothing.”
Tommy Pham – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .256. Tommy’s trying to prove he’s not a flim-Pham artist.
Lance McCullers – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners (6 BBs!), ERA up to 7.71. Freakin’ McCullers. I wish my teams were McCulless. I need to move on quickly; I’m about to pop a blood vessel.
Alex Bregman – 4-for-6, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .245. I was perusing the Astros’ lineup as I’m wont to do, and Altuve is hitting .353! Little Man wakes up with a .350 average. In five at-bats yesterday, Altuve saw seven pitches! Oh, yeah, Bregman, he had a nice game. Altuve, though, I mean, how do you do it, you Kewpie Doll?
Max Kepler – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer, hitting .281. Yeah, cause he got to face some scrub named LANCE MCCULLERS! I went to pick up Kepler in my RCL, because old habits Die Hard with a Vengeance, however, MattTruss beat me to it.
Jeff Samardzija – Will make a rehab start on Saturday in High-A San Jose. Okie dokie.
Robbie Ray – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.74. Against the Giants? Aw, c’mon! In one of the best pitchers’ parks? I mean, why do you hurt me? I wanna put a Main Street sign on his back, then direct the Google Street View Car in his direction. I hate him so much!
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .190. Au Shizz!
Ketel Marte – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .265. Has now hit in the last seven games (only one hit in the previous six, but whatevs). I love Ketel Marte a bit more than I should, but looks like a hot schmotato, at the least.
David Price – He pitched an inning vs Yanks, gave up four runs. The rivalry is so good that it must’ve had a playoff atmosphere. After he was pulled from the start, Price complained of a strange sensation in his left hand. Same thing happened to me after I put on my wedding band.
Hanley Ramirez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .357. This offseason Hanley put his life savings in a new workout regime that involves drinking bull semen, and now he’s cut out the BS.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .250. Just Dong because someone has to!
Gary Sanchez – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer, hitting .122. Too bad he only got to face David Price once, he might’ve had six more homers yesterday, i.e., the Price is right for Sanchez in the Showcase Showdown.
Masahiro Tanaka – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.19. I just traded for Tanaka in my RCL, because McCullers and Ray are giving me agita. I’m sure Tanaka will be a pleasant nap on the beach as the tide rolls out. For what it’s worth, I traded Boxberger for Tanaka and Semien. I think it might’ve been Marcus, but I also might’ve traded for MattTruss’ semen. As I say, ABC, Always Be trading Closers. You say ‘trading’ very fast.
Javier Baez – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a double slam (3, 4) and legs (1). This was his 2nd two-homer game in a row. Two days ago, he hit 8th. Yesterday, he hit 7th. The good news, he’ll be hitting leadoff after hitting 16 homers in eight games.
Ian Happ – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. In my mind, Happ is a caterpillar that came out of the cocoon a little too soon, so he’s swaddled in my arms as he turns into a butterfly. Don’t worry, I’m not going to let him get hurt. Here, Happ, have some milk from my nipples.
Miguel Rojas – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in four games. He’s Rojas caliente! Spangdelish!
Jarlin Garcia – 6 IP, 0 ER, 0 Hits, 2 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.13. I know Jose Urena. I know Daniel Straily. Who are you, Jarlin Garcia? Garcia was pulled from a no-hitter after 77 pitches and six innings, because Don Mattingly has his own playbook and it reads, The Places You’ll Go–Shoot, you know what, that’s a storybook, not a playbook. Mattingly is managing by the beat of his own drummer, and that drummer has his back to the drumset and is flailing at air. “Game’s this way, Don!” So, Jarlin should’ve been given the chance to at least lose the no-hitter, but alas. This appears to be a fluky start and his profile screams NL-Only.
Travis d’Arnaud – Out with a partially torn UCL. Travis and his d’Arn injuries!
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks in his 1st start. The Stream-o-Nator loved this start, but I just couldn’t pull the trigger. Plus, I had McCullers and Robbie Ray, so I was all good! Wheeler won’t get the Marlins every time out, so I’d proceed with caution.
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.60. I told you he was a sleeper! Kidding. I need to see at least two more starts like this before I’m trusting him.
Aledmys Diaz – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .206. This was about his first hit in the last week, so maybe it’s the start of something, but we’re definitely not ‘in Aledmys res,’ as they say in latin Latin America.
Nick Pivetta – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners (zero walks), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.70. This is gonna be hard to phantom, but Pivetta is actually pitching better than his ERA. On a strictly peripheral basis, he’s pitching as well as Chris Sale and Corey Kluber. Seems unlikely to continue, but I looked to grab him in every one of my leagues, just in case.
Hector Neris – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 1st blown save to cost me my Pivetta win. Of course, Neris did. Don’t think there’s anything to worry about here. *sees Neris’ name in the mirror* Siren? What does that mean? Are you trying to tell me something?! Say something, mirror!
Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 7.31. If I can gather anything from fielding 500 comments a day, you can buy low on Castillo. Not to sound like a used car salesman, but you better act fast!
Alex Wood – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Did you listen to me when I said to sell him? You didn’t? Oopsie.
Matt Chapman – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .347. At season start, he was hitting 7th. Now he’s hitting 5th. Started from the bottom now we’re here!
Jed Lowrie – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .333. Lowrie is one of those guys who no one wants to own that is usually a top 12 option at his position. The pros: he’s kinda solid. The cons: he’s kinda meh.
Jaime Barria – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks in his 1st start. I just went over him the other day. If you click his name, you will be magically transported to my thoughts on him. The short: he’s an AL-Only guy for now.
Elvis Andrus – Hit by a pitch and it fractured his elbow. I really didn’t want my schmohawk post about him to be right like this, but I’ll take it! Now let Profar play shortstop and let Calhoun butcher 2nd base! Meh, it’ll never happen, but it’s nice to dream.
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and his 1st steal, hitting .167 as he takes over for Odor. Yeah, but Profar really stinks. Maybe he’s finally figured out how to hit, but I’d want to see more before that declaration.
Leonys Martin – 3-for-4 and his 1st homer. Leonys scored his personal cycle: 1B, 2B, HR, PO.
Jordan Zimmermann – Hit by a comebacker on the jaw and left the game. Incredibly, he was hit by a comebacker in college, and it broke his jaw. Not saying I’m a doctor or anything, but maybe he should have a tiny glove implanted in his jaw.
Matt Davidson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and leading my RCL team in homers, and I’ve only had him for two of his homers. I think I need to reevaluate what I’ve drafted in my RCL league.
Nate Jones – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save, ERA at 2.08. Soria hasn’t pitched in two days, so I think this is less “Soria’s been used a lot” and more “Jones is just better.” Maybe it’s wishful thinking. Worst case scenario, this is a timeshare of closer duties. Best case scenario, Jones is the closer.
Yonny Chirinos – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.000000000, okay, you got it. Yonny throwing some new age ball out there. Here’s what Paul “The” Martian said in his Yonny Chirinos fantasy, “The sinker has some great movement and he also carries two other pitches above 18+% SwStr% to start the season. …. Since reaching A-ball in 2015, he has not posted a BB% above 4.2% and that elite command has been paired with a 50% GB% more often than not. This makes him extremely talented at limiting baserunners. …. Yonny will provide serious ratio help and strikeout upside with a nasty slider/splitter combo to play off that bendy sinker.” Hey, I have a bendy sinker too! Yonny throws hard with great command, but doesn’t strikeout a ton of guys. Think a poor man’s Nola. Call him Shreveport.
Ozzie Albies – 3-for-6, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .278. His name sounds like the National Anthem of Germany. To protest the National Anthem in Germany, I hear they name a baby, Niels.
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 1st steal, hitting .325. He was on the backend of a double steal with Ender Inciarte. Here’s a real question, why is it fielder’s indifference when the catcher doesn’t throw on a steal, but it’s not fielder’s indifference when a catcher throws to a different bag on a double steal? Isn’t it even more indifferent towards the runner he doesn’t try to throw out? He’s choosing one of the two, and deciding to be even more indifferent towards one.
Brandon McCarthy – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.31. He dislocated his non-throwing shoulder. Hey, it’s like an Easter egg hunt for Dr. James Andrews! “Where’s that shoulder? Is it under my Lamborghini?”
Matt Wieters – Was activated from the DL, but didn’t start, because if he did start, he would’ve sucked or been injured again. How about Pedro Severino (1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .348) though, huh? He sounds like a middle reliever, but he’s been smoking hot. Maybe even schmotato’ing hot?
Adam Eaton – Hit the DL early yesterday morning, before, I believe, he even went for his MRI. My guess as to what happens with Eaton. He’s headed to the MRI lab, he makes eye contact with the Uber driver, looks away out the window, stops at a red light, and the Uber driver is still looking at him. Finally, Eaton asks, “What?” Uber driver, “I need you to go on the DL so I can pick up someone else in my fantasy league.” Eaton sighs.
Daniel Murphy – Nearing rehab games. As he neared rehab games, he looked out the window, “Hey, wasn’t that Eaton going the other way?”