Hello, I’m Keith Morrison of Dateline. Today’s story is about a young closer who had the life that we all dream about — money, girls, Tony La Russa’s private phone number to find out if a product used animal testing. What Trevor Rosenthal didn’t have, his shut ’em down stuff. We pick up the story right after Rosenthal took the mound on April 7th. He was in for his third save, but there was something wrong. Could it have been he lost his control? Or was something else lurking deep in his past — perhaps a high school sweetheart who assumed the identity of Rosenthal’s favorite Starbucks barista, who was putting Visine in his favorite latte drink. Visine that has been known, when digested, to cause runs. Coming up later, Rosenthal can’t find the strike zone for three months, he blows numerous saves, Pat Neshek looks incredible in a setup role and Matheny groans. This is the story of The $12 Salad That Became A Brain Freeze. So, the Cards have been patient with Trevor Rosenthal, even while he hasn’t looked good for the majority of the year, but recently he’s been hideous. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Cards go to Neshek, who has a 0.86 ERA, 0.57 WHIP and four saves already. Yesterday, Seth Maness (no relation to Brandon Guyer) got the save, but that was more because Neshek had thrown already in the game. As for the title, you may not stay…for Trevor stung! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Michael Wacha – Threw a 30-pitch session on Saturday. I’m guessing he makes one start this year at the end of September and goes five innings and I’ll quote this the day after that start. Anyone want some action?
Matt Carpenter – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Sorry I told everyone to stay away from him on draft day. Oops, did I say sorry? I meant not sorry. Always get those confused. I’m too damn considerate!
Yonder Alonso – Out for the season with a damaged tendon in his forearm. Alonso first thought there was a problem when his doctor wrote on his arm, “Damaged.” Tommy Medica and Jake Goebbert (2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI) will fill-in for him. Fun Fact! When Goeb*Bert swears, a bubble pops up that reads @!#?@!.
Joaquin Benoit – Wasn’t available yesterday due to a sore shoulder. Oh, that’s always good for a closer. Padres say he’ll be ready on Tuesday, but I’d grab Dale Thayer, who Seth Smith is always thinking was in the movie Brian’s Song.
Juan Uribe – To the DL with a strained hamstring. What a bizarre thing to find in your colander.
Jonathan Lucroy – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 13th homer. On our Player Rater, it’s going to come down to the final weekend for who has the most value for catchers between Lucroy and Mesoraco. Let’s see if one of them pulls a Reyes and sits out. Quite the coup to win the position MVP on our rater. Up there with a free soda on a Subway scratch-off ticket.
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-2, 3 runs and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. CarGo who?! Well, there’s Carlos Gonzalez– Not now, Random Italicized Voice. Whoa, someone’s snippy.
Andrew McCutchen – Ran the bases and took batting practice on Saturday. He’ll prolly return by the end of the week. The Dread Pirate’s got some quick-healing ribs like a Spiderpig.
Charlie Morton – To the DL with an inflammed hip. That’s what happens when you try to be too cool. At least he didn’t have a hashtagged hip.
Gerrit Cole – Will replace Morton in the rotation on Wednesday, i.e., take the Hump Day.
Travis Snider – 2-for-4, hitting near-.400 in the last week with three homers. Still got that hot schmotato schmotatoing.
Gio Gonzalez – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.06. Right now, you’re owning him because of his name value and for no other reason. Yes, you. Look at the reflection of yourself in your iPad. You can’t, can you? You’ve embarrassed yourself.
Doug Fister – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Edinson Volquez (6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks). This matchup was billed as Fister vs. More Times Than Not He Makes You Want To Punch The Wall If You Own Him. Granted, a bit long for the marquee.
Rafael Soriano – 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Ow! Why so Sor…iano? His last few weeks leave something to be desired (9 ER since July 28th). The majority of that has come in two appearances and he’s closed four games during that span (Not Denard). I grabbed Drew Storen in one league, but no matter how hard I wish it, I doubt Soriano’s done. Clippard, of course, could be in the mix too, if it came down to that.
Masahiro Tanaka – Threw a bullpen session and said his elbow is feeling fine. I get the sense that Tanaka’s going to have season-ending surgery around May 1st of next year. Not totally sure why the Yankees are risking it. Feels really short-sighted. Like Altuve with coke bottle glasses.
Alex Rodriguez – Said he’s preparing to return in 2015. He’s been training with a group of very buff women and frosting his hair himself to work on eye-hand coordination.
Brian McCann – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the 7-day concussion DL. When given the concussion tests, Brian’s brain, in spades, passed. I’m like a word mule with anagrams up my anal cavity!
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer. When someone in March asks if they should draft Te(i)x, I’m gonna blow their mind like a carnival barker and guess their age within three years — 42, and also guess Jake Peavy is on the pitching staff.
Shane Greene – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks. Right now, Shecky Greene’s kid is doing better in the majors than he was in the minors, which gives one pause, or paws if Wilfred is reading. None of his numbers look bad, but, for now, I’d think of him as a streamer, and only go near him if I were desperate.
Jeremy Hellickson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Ugh, now I feel like I’ve got myself in a place where I’m stuck defending a guy I don’t even really like. To Hellickson with this, don’t own him if you don’t want. I don’t like him anyway.
David Ortiz – 0-for-3, but two homers on Saturday (27, 28), and leads the majors with 91 RBIs. I’ve mentioned this before, but it fascinates me how now that people don’t read newspapers and top five category lists, no one has any idea who leads leagues anymore in certain categories. I apologize to the one person that still reads the USA Today and its fun charts. So, if that person won’t blurt out the answer and ruin it, who leads the NL in average? Nope, not him. Nuh-uh. Hint: He’s on the Rockies, a team that has had a player lead the league 9 of 21 times since its existence. Justin Morneau!
Joe Kelly – 4 IP, 7 ER. The 13,000 Red Sox fans that share Joe Kelly’s name were waiting for him in the parking lot. That includes the sixteen hundred Joe Kellys who go by Paddy.
Collin McHugh – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks. There were even a few Joe Kelly McHughs there. By the by, McHugh has a 3.00 ERA in 114 IP with more Ks than innings. Yeah, I don’t know why you don’t own him either. Bad judgment?
Jon Singleton – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 11th homer. I was going to drop Singleton if he didn’t do anything yesterday, and there he was with his one hit, a homer with two outs in the ninth inning. By the hair of Jayson Werth’s chinny-chin-chin.
Jose Altuve – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer while batting .339. This is the best year from a guy under five-four since Tom Cruise had Cocktail, Born on the 4th of July and Rain Man in a 12-month span.
Dexter Fowler – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and has two hits in his last three games as he batted cleanup. Last time Fowler was in the cleanup role was in the 12th grade when his parents went away and he rented his house out to people in town for homecoming and one of those guests captured the opposing team’s mascot, a kangaroo, and brought the roo back to Fowler’s house. Or maybe that was an episode of Family Ties.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 32nd homer. Only four more to go!
Garrett Jones – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 13th homer, hitting .248. Jones is like a $1000 car as in the Bottle Rockets song lyrics, “If a $1000 car was truly worth a damn, then why would anybody ever spend ten grand?” Better than Ryan Zimmerman who was a $5000 car that you put ten grand into it and it still doesn’t run.
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting near .350 in the last week, with a hit every day this month. Only two steals and one homer, but a bunch of runs since he’s at the top of the D’Backs lineup and hitting for average. Ender had 43 steals last year in the minors, and could turn on the jets, and when you’re a jet, you’re a jet for life. I’d definitely grab him, if I need a hot schmotato.
Cliff Pennington – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting around .350 in the last week with a homer. Pennington must’ve been happy to be back in Miami without that crappy O-line. Yes, that is today’s clunky segue into you joining our fantasy football leagues. If you join a league, an Angel gets his wings. Ignore the fact that Arte Moreno could buy all the wings he wants.
Corey Dickerson – 4-for-9, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 17th homer in the first game. The water main broke in Coors on Saturday, and, after the water broke, they had to play two on Sunday. Sounds like Rudy’s wife!
Nolan Arenado – 4-for-8, 1 run, 2 RBIs. I kinda want to draft him in the 2nd round of every 2015 league right now just so I have him. I’m cuckoo for Arenado!
Drew Stubbs – 4-for-7, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (15) in the first game. Of course, a big game means Walt Weiss benched him for the 2nd. Since Weiss never had an offensive game when he played, I swear, it seems like Weiss is like the ugly stepmother who resents her stepdaughter’s beauty. Yes, this means Stubbs is Cinderfella.
Michael Cuddyer – 5-for-10, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, which was part of a cycle, in his 2nd game back from the DL. He’s got about a good healthy two weeks left, make ’em count!
Jay Bruce – 3-for-9, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer. I don’t want to draft him. Ever again. We used to be such snuggle bugs too. Bruce, you broke my trust!
Aroldis Chapman – 0 IP, 4 ER and 4 straight walks. His record streak of 49 straight games with a K ended the other day, then yesterday his streak of looking like a healthy pitcher who should be a closer ended. This was the first time a pitcher faced four batters and walked them all and got no outs since Miguel Asencio in 2002. Even Carlos Marmol looked at his old game log, incredulous that he didn’t do it. I grabbed Jonathan Broxton before the Rockies game even ended. This looked like an injury blow-up more than just a regular old meltdown.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER. The O’s are toying with the idea of sending Ubaldo to the bullpen. They just need to go to L-8 and Ubaldo’s battleship is sunk.
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks. John T. Molloy’s Dress for Success book states explicitly, a Quality Start is good, but you ruin it when you have more walks than Ks.
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-4, and his 12th homer. He was in Friday’s Buy, but I have no idea why since he’s a 2015 sleeper that we’re not to talk about until January 1st.
Steve Pearce – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 12th homer. After he gorged himself on stats in June, he’s lucky he didn’t explode after hitting just one more homer.
Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.27. Earmuffs! Don’t tell anyone, but Carrasco is quietly having a terrific season. Carrasco has a 8.3 K/9, 2.1 BB/9 and 3.18 xFIP. It’s only in six starts and most of his appearances (77 IP) have come in relief. Stream-o-Nator loves his next start, and I’d definitely give him a whirl.
Avisail Garcia – 3-for-7, 2 runs, 1 RBI this weekend as he was activated from the DL on Saturday. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department put an AVI file of a sailboat on his Instagram, which crashed iPhones until he removed it. Poor, Kev, just trying to mix things up.
Conor Gillaspie – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. Now has more homers than Alex Rios. Kinda irrelevant, but I just felt like a good cry. Cougs, bring me a pint of Chubby Hubby!
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. Picked right up where he left off about five weeks ago. Let’s see if his bat goes up the Scoville scale as we head towards September. The bat boy better not dip Edwin’s bat in bleu cheese either. We want it hot!
Drew Hutchison – 7 IP, 7 ER. After streaming Hutchison, listening to Bon Iver cheers me up.
Mike Minor – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Strong start against a tough A’s club. He was just so wretched for so many months, I wouldn’t even risk him in Cincy next time out, unless I really needed the start. Good first step in the right direction, but I want to see more. I’m greedy in my precaution, y’all!
Justin Upton – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer and fourth homer in the last ten games. Had it been three weeks since his last tear? Feels like the time between offensive onslaughts are getting shorter. Gonna be real hard for me to not like him a whole lot next year during his 27-year-old season.
Nate Freiman – 2-for-3 and two homers (3, 4). Sweet! That helps me in my league with Freddie Freeman where we count homophones.
Jacob deGrom – Could return on August 23rd vs. the Dodgers. If he does return, he requested that no one sing, “Here comes deGrom.”
Rafael Montero – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. This was a decent matchup vs. the Cubs, but I don’t trust him at all to not be Rafail next time out.
Jenrry Mejia – 1 IP, 1 ER and the loss after allowing a homer. Probably just a case of him coughing up that long ball out of habit because he’s been getting tested non-stop for a hernia.
David Wright – Due to shoulder soreness, he will miss a few games. He’s the opposite of guys like Tulo and CarGo. Wright stays on the field even when he shouldn’t. Unless Wright has been throwing batting practice recently, his shoulder injury has probably been lingering for a while, and he has 8 homers on the year, so his stats reinforce that. Something ain’t Wright, so to speak.
Kris Bryant – Fouled a ball off his big toe and went for an MRI, which revealed he simply had a toe bruise. Thankfully, they didn’t need to go through with the toe donation ceremony at Harry Caray’s.
Jake Arrieta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks. I know you prefer to talk about your teams, but if you’ll indulge me with the tolerance of a Prohibition era churchie, on my team in 69 1/3 IP, Arrieta has a 1.95 ERA, 0.76 WHIP and 75 Ks. Zadow!
Starlin Castro – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer. Every time I go to look at his stats, I’m distracted by his Marcus Gunn Jaw-winking eye. If Hollywood ever gets around to doing The Forest Whitaker Story: The Man Who They Called Butler, Castro could step right in.
Huston Street – 0 IP, 2 ER, and his 1st blown save on the Angels and 2nd this year as he carries a 1.50 ERA and a 0.82 WHIP. Damn fine ride on Huston Street this year. Like that two week period when you’re on the street with the Bradford Pear trees and it smells like sex.
Felix Hernandez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. David Price (8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks). F-Her looked like R. Kelly’s sheets, but he was dealing with a sore hip after a Kinsler ground ball clipped him. F-Her says he should make his next start. Like the girl in middle school that said she wouldn’t tell anyone that you cried when Kirk Gibson homered off Eck, we’ll have to take F-Her’s word for it. Hopefully this turns out better. I’m allergic to dust, and climatic game-winning homers!
Chris Young – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.07. Still don’t trust him. It doesn’t make me feel more manly constantly putting down Young. You know what makes me feel manly? Rubbing banana pudding on my chest and running through the zoo.
Rajai Davis – 0-for-1 and three steals (28, 29, 30) off Christall Young. The King of SAGNOF had the benefit of some low-flying planes distracting Young.
Michael Morse – 3-for-3, 2 runs and 7-for-8 this weekend with a homer. He’s currently at .286/.341/.487. Nice slash line, Morse.
Cody Asche – 3-for-3, 1 RBI and hit a home run on Friday, and he’s batting eighth and I agree with Dan Pants from Saturday’s roundup that Cody’s played like total Asche.
Josh Willingham – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and first homer on the Royals. Willingham said that seeing Billy Butler (3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI) on 2nd base makes him want to drive him home, because it reminds him of his high school sweetheart that he got pregnant.
Alex Gordon – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting close to .400 in the last week, but he still manages to make me feel narcoleptic. Hey, Gordon’s at bat! Hey, a single! Snooze.
Joe Mauer – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 4th homer. On Saturday, Kurt Suzuki hit his 3rd homer, but Mauer managed to stay in front of him before I unleashed a Can of Sarcasm on him. Suzuki is still managing to beat Mauer in every other imaginable stat, except the number of cat-sweater-wearing Minnesota girls who faint during a local mall appearance. “Is that Mauer? Stacey, drop a pillow under my head, I’m going to faint.”
Oswaldo Arcia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .225. Hey, it’s Marla Gibbs’s neighbor!
Kennys Vargas – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .317 in 15 games. Of course, I’d own him, I gave him a Buy lede the day he was called up. He’s a young David Ortiz. If Billy Martin was managing (or alive), he’d slowly walk out to the ump after the Vargas homer and have the long ball overturned due to too many Kennys on the field.
