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Hey, what’s this red thing? *touches flame* Ow! Brandon Pfaadt! Hey, what’s this yellow part of the flame? *touches fire again* Ow! Gavin Stone! Hey, what’s this giant inferno? *touches a building that’s on fire* Ow! Drey Jameson! Hey, what’s this flaming hot ball? *touches the sun* Ow! Grayson Rodriguez! *steps on a rake labeled Tanner Bibee and falls into fiery pit* Ahhhhhhhhh noooooooo I just wanted to pick up Eury Perez! So, guess what, we have a new rookie pitcher to make you want to rip your eyes out. Here’s what I said previously about this new Marlins’ call-up, “Eury Perez for 2023 fantasy baseball is going to come down to when Eury Perez debuts for the Marlins. Once he debuts, he’s going to be the top FAAB guy that week and he’s going to be a game-changer for all mixed leagues. Wanna know some numbers to make you drool a little? Okay, let’s do it: In 17 starts, he threw a 12.7 K/9 at Double-A. His command was at a 3 even, but he’s got 70-grade command, so, yeah, we could see a 12 K/9 and a 2.2 BB/9 in the majors. Ya know, just your standard run-of-the-mill ace. You can’t hit a 97 MPH fastball coming off a 87 MPH change and vice versa. It’s just not happening if my man’s tunneling, and, yeah, he could be a future Hall of Famer.” And that’s me quoting me!  He might be booted when Trevor Rogers returns, but I would grab him everywhere, just in case he sticks. I’m a moth and these rookie pitchers are my flame! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jesus Sanchez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Have him in one NL-Only league so I was happy, but it was against my pitcher, Merrill Kelly (6 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.18), then Sanchez hurt himself. So many emotions. Bitter, then sweet, sweet then bitter.

Edward Cabrera – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.35. It is slightly hilarious that I’m suggesting Eury and EdCab can’t even pitch well enough for the deepest of leagues.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.57. Getting fantasy pitching is impossible without drafting starters high.” Okay, but what about Eduardo Rodriguez? “Exception to the rule. You need to draft a top 10 starter.” Okay, but what about Joe Ryan? “There’s two exceptions to the rule.” Okay, but Zac Gallen wasn’t drafted as a top ten starter. “Three exceptions.” Uh, wouldn’t you say Justin Steele has had a good year? “Four exceptions.” How about Clayton Kershaw? “Five.” Sonny Gray? “Six.” Mitch Keller? “Stop naming pitchers who have been good.” We have a free tool that lists all the best 100 starts of the year. Eduardo Rodriguez () is dominating in every way, and owning that list of best starts. You know who he reminds me of this year? Sandy Alcantara last year. More out of nowhere, but similar type of numbers, high-8 K/9, crazy good command, some favorable luck, some weak contact. Call him Ed-can-tara. Will it continue? As we see with Alcantara this year, it’s not safe to bank on this, but sometimes fortune favors the fortunate. By the way, how about Bryce Elder? “Fine! Eight or so exceptions! I get it!”

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. McCutchen should’ve never left Pittsburgh. He’s like the anti-Warhol.

Harrison Bader – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. This was a Yankee Stadium and Yankee Stadium-only homer and I say, “Awesome! Give us more!”

Jhony Brito – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.81. Streamonator basically says of Brito, “If you can’t start him vs. the A’s at home, which you can’t, then you can’t start him anywhere.”

DJ LeMahieu – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. If the Yanks had any sense in their head, they would not let Josh Donaldson return to their team. But could’ve been saying that about Aaron Hicks for the last two years, and common sense left the Yanks’ organization long time ago. They heard Frankie Montas had arm issues, and traded for him, then thought Rodon would be healthy.

Anthony Volpe – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, a grand slam. With that said in the DJ blurb, that they’re sticking with Volpe and at leadoff has been a good move.

Jace Peterson – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Still thriving no matter how many times Scott Peterson curses Jacey from jail.

JJ Bleday – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer, hitting .379. Fun fact! When Mrs. Dracula asks her husband how his day was, he says Bleday.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Seems doubtful that he will return top 15 overall stats, as he was drafted, but, also, I don’t think anyone drafted him expecting that. You drafted Freeman for safe, solid floor, and he looks headed for that again. He’s Freddie Floorman.

Will Smith – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. What’s funny (that’s not funny), if he didn’t catch, I’d love him. Even though, because he catches, some say, I should love him more.

Miguel Vargas – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games, and has stolen all of Max Muncy’s mojo since he went to watch his lady give birth.

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.36. Haven’t always been a fan of Kershaw for fantasy, due to draft price, but if one person leaves him off their Hall of Fame ballot, my head might explode. Honestly, they should do away with balloting for certain guys. No brainers should just go in right after they retire. There’s no reason to vote on Kershaw; he’s clearly a Hall of Famer.

Wade Miley – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.60. The Regression Fairies were Doing The Hustle on Miley’s ratios, then Colin Rea relieved him, because. Dot dot dot. Um. Pause. Uh. I don’t know. Guess he’s out of the rotation.

William Contreras – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Oh, this is just incredible! Jack Flaherty is now blaming his struggles on the Brewers’ William Contreras.

Sean Manaea – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.96. It’s embarrassing how many times I’ve fallen for Sean Manaea. The amount of times I’ve fallen for Andrew Heaney and Nick Pivetta combined! Only freakin’ fell for Manaea because of reports out of Spring Training were good. Swear to God, nothing good ever came from paying attention to anything in Spring Training. It’s all BS. *aims Manaea at sun, presses launch*

Michael Conforto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .171. Pretty sure he only has five hits all season.

LaMonte Wade Jr. – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Wade and Lane Thomas, back-to-back in the roundup, and back-to-back in my heart, because I like them an unreasonable amount.

Lane Thomas – 2-for-5, 2 runs, and his 4th homer, hitting near-.325 in the last week with two homers. Oh, yeah, he’s definitely angling for a spot in Friday’s Buy column.

Josiah Gray – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 2.96. If you drafted only Grays, you’d be doing okay right now. Would’ve even had room for me in the last round.

Tyler Glasnow – Left his rehab start with side soreness. Has he considered going on a rehab stint for his rehab stint?

Dean Kremer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.97. The Hava-Nagila-onator loved this start.

Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. In general, I think people undervalue Renfroe. He has no speed, but he’s a top 30-40 outfielder overall, and has an uncanny resemblance to Mike Trout.

Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Get hotter than the sun, Captain Woom Cubano. Please.

Cristian Javier – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.47. Should we call him Ceej? CJ aka Ceej. Yeah, or nah? I’m kinda feeling yeah. Or is it too “Eliminated cheftestant on Top Chef” sounding?

Tomas Nido – Hit the IL with Dry Eye Syndrome. “No, nothing, doc.” That’s Nido at the doctor’s office after the doctor plays him Old Yeller.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. Albombso!

Mike Soroka – Could start on Sunday, which is a nice moment for him, but y’all’s heads filled with crackers if you think I’m picking him up. Call youse So-crackas.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. Tildaddy says he’s done with the paper!

Triston Casas – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .167, and his 2nd homer in two games. Could be a hot schmotato, but also seems incapable of doing anything else but homer. Guess it’s in the name.

Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 7.51. He made the Royals look good. The Royals who have only six more total runs than the A’s as a team. The Royals who have an OPS lower than the A’s. He gave up a freakin’ homer to Michael Massey, his 1st! And Nick Pratto, his 2nd! Yo, is Lance Lynn working for a charity organization? Is Lance Lynn freakin’ Santa at Make A Wish? What on this earth that Lance Lynn is trying to eat his way through is going on here?

Brad Keller – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.31. Bad Keller outpitched Lance Lynn! Incredible!

Edward Olivares – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Hurry up, bench him!

Patrick Wisdom – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. The other day the Cubs showed a graphic about how Wisdom had the 4th most homers in the last three years in the NL, and everyone above him (Goldy, Alonso, yadda) had about 200 more at-bats and they’re takeaway was Ross was using him brilliantly. No! He should be playing every day!

Jordan Montgomery – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.11. ERAs on all my teams took a beating yesterday. Like just an absolute whipping in the behind! Benching guys like Brayan Bello (6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.01) and starting JoMo, Lynn, EdCab, and Manaea like a ding-dong merchant.

Jose Miranda – Optioned to St. Paul. Is that the Patron Saint of Slumps? Had quite a few hits so far on my sleepers: Joe Ryan, Justin Steele, Thairo, to name three, but Miranda has not been one.

Juan Soto – 1-for-3 and a slam (6) and double legs (2, 3), hitting .246. You get that good news from Sexy Dr. Pepper. Exclaim, “Finally a good game!” Then you see Max Kepler also hit his 6th homer in the same game, and he missed time to an injury.

Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.18. If someone asks if they should pick up Lugo, I’m going to become The Joker. I have Lance Lynn and his freakin’ 7.51 ERA! Lugo’s less than half that! Give me Lugo and his “shouldn’t be this good” over Lynn and his “he shouldn’t be this bad” any day!

Jose Alvarado – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. The Phils haven’t had a bullpen without issues since Brad Lidge in 2008. Phils’ closers sing, “Don’t push me because I’m close to the Lidge,” and then they are pushed, because of that dare, and they fall. Inevitably. Never seen a team like it for pens. Even when they try to address this issue. Any hoo! Guess Craig Kimbrel is the replacement, and maybe my preseason fave, Gregory Soto, finally sees chances.

Marcus Semien – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Semien is such a jerkoff. In a good way.

Dane Dunning – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.72. My favorite part of Dunning is his last name sounds like a dramatic sting. Has been good so far, but nothing in his numbers says it should continue. Wouldn’t even trust him if the Streamonator liked him.

Luis Castillo – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.70. His opponent, the 1927 Rangers, are no joke, and this is without Corey Seager.

Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .205, as he was dropped to 6th in the order. Mariners put him behind Cal Raleigh. That’s like sitting behind the kid with the big head in So I Married An Axe Murderer. “Can you move your Big Dumper? I can’t see anything!” That’s Julio Rodriguez with the worst vantage point in the park. I get it, Jul-Rod is on the Struggle Bus, but last year’s April from him was bad, and he pulled himself out. I have hope and would absolutely be buying low.