Off screen we hear screaming, “Who buried me?” A hand shoots out of the dirt, and that hand grabs some dirt, pulling it back inside. After some chomping, we hear, “It tastes like Oreo crumbs.” You’re not buried Eloy Jimenez, you have a sundae on top of you because you’re so tasty! Yo, Eloy Jimenez is a snack for coming back so fast. Am I using that correctly? The snack term. Is that right? Sometimes I walk into the potato chip aisle at the supermarket and say real loud, “I don’t need any chips, I’m already a snack,” then I sizzle my finger on my butt. Am I the only that does this? Not to answer but to nod encouragingly. Eloy Jimenez (0-for-4) returned last night from his season-ending-injury-that-wasn’t-a-season-ending-injury. From this point forward, there’s no reason to think he can’t be a top 25 overall player as we thought he would before the injury. Only wish I hadn’t dropped him in every league! Haha, I’m so dumb, as I sit on Chris Sale, Noah Syndergaard, Luis Severino and Carlos Carrasco. Great stuff, Snack Grey! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jorge Soler – 2-for-4 and two more homers, and 34 homers in the last week. You can sit on your hands and warm them from your farts or you can pick up Soler.
Mike Minor – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.32. Because of the Streamonator, I grabbed him yesterday, and I’m so golad I did it blindly without looking at his ERA or his opponent because there’s no way I would’ve done it otherwise.
Marcus Stroman – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.63, in 65 pitches. It feels like there’s something psychological going on with MLB managers where they pull starters quicker in 7-inning games because there’s less innings to throw. Oh, it makes no sense, but it seems to be happening.
Kyle Muller – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.55. Should’ve streamed him. I looked at him and I got cold feet. Next time I’ll put on my big boy socks! Streamonator doesn’t like his next one, but unless the Brewers get really stacked at the deadline, I’d prolly stream him. If I can find my socks.
Huascar Ynoa – Will begin a rehab assignment. Ynoa will likely need at least three rehab starts, and I like him as a stash, since he didn’t have an arm issue. Just a dumbass punching-something-harder-than-his-hand-with-his-hand issue.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Solid season from Pineda, even with forearm inflammation that sidelined him for a few. Maybe it’s because he embraced a disheveled look this season, so he looks like a piñata vs. acts like one.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Did you listen to me when I told you to buy Donaldson in the 2nd half? You didn’t. You hurt my feelings.
Brent Rooker – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Eric Haase – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. Haase is gonna hit 25 homers in 80 games, and the prorating next season is going to be out of control. “If you stack every phone book on top of each other, you can put Jose Altuve on the moon.” That’s Mr. Prorater making up nonsense.
Hoy Park – Traded to the Pirates with infielder Diego Castillo for Clay Holmes, which is a head scratcher. I’m by no means a prospect guy, but Clay Holmes is a garbage reliever, and you trade him for two possible future bats? Turning me into the Joker thinking about the Pirates getting the best of the Yankees, but then I’m reminded of the Taillon trade, and well… Any hoo! No one in this trade is likely anything for fantasy, at least not right now.
Abraham Toro – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Bunch of guys heating up in baseball, and one fish.
Kyle Tucker – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. Some time last week I said something about Tucker’s stats not blowing me away. That was through a lens of not rostering him anywhere, and I was corrected. Tucker has been plenty valuable. Mea culpa.
Dylan Moore – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. I don’t usually mention pinch-hit homers, but holy crap. What is even going on? The Mariners came back from that? Are you serious? Mariners are gonna win the World Series and get no-hit three times in seven games. Place your bets now, it will happen.
Kyle Seager – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. The M’s becoming a playoff contender while batting collectively around .202 is really something.
Luis Garcia – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.19. Geez, it’s almost like guys who threw 12 innings last year can’t throw 100 this year. So weird.
Joey Votto – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, and his 3rd homer in three games. Still not sure how he’s available anywhere, but I was told emphatically he is available in some leagues.
Kyle Farmer – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer, and his 2nd homer in four games. Could be a little hot schmotato action.
Kyle Hendricks – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.85. Hendricks is the one guy off limits in trades this year, according to team sources. Good choice, Cubbies!
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. HR to the Izzo! Usually don’t say anything else on Rizzo, but he’s got 13 homers and 38 RBIs. The number three hitter in the Cubs’ lineup is on pace for 18 homers and 60 RBIs. Trade? They should just release him.
Andrew Chafin – Traded to the A’s. Or as it played out: Billy Beane on his treadmill screaming at Jonah Hill to get him his spreadsheets. Maybe the A’s just felt like it was up to them to rehab what it means when you hear ‘Beane’s Chafin.’ My guess is the A’s will continue to go with Lou Trivino as the closer, and Chafin will get the 8th inning. He’s solid; good A’s move; not much of a fantasy move. Of course, Trivino has coughed up runs in two of the last three, so one more and he’s in trouble.
Shohei Ohtani – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.04. He pitched a gem, drove in a run, scored a run and recorded his 14th steal. I’m going to the Lost & Found for the words I’ve lost watching him. As you might’ve heard me say a few times now on the podcast: Like how A-Rod, Tejada and others led to young shortstops who didn’t have to be slap hitters, but could hit for power. I bet Ohtani leads to more two-way stars in the next decade. No longer will coaches be like, “Focus on hitting or pitching.” Now kids can push back and say, “I want to be like Ohtani.” I’m being 100% earnest; I know, it’s hard to spot.
Jack Mayfield – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Jack Mayfield is the most college basketball coach-sounding baseball player ever or what? “Hey, you run up and down the court and give Jack Mayfield 110% or you don’t play here.” That’s Jack Mayfield talking about what Jack Mayfield expects.
Jared Walsh – Left the game clutching his side. That sounds ominous and oblique.
Brendan Rodgers – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Homer on the road from a guy with upside? Don’t mind if I monocle!
Nick Pivetta – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.51. Pivetta is so much better. Dot dot dot. In our minds.
Rafael Devers – 2-for-3 and his 27th homer, hitting .281. On the two teams where I have Devers, it’s not a coincidence those teams are dominating in hitting categories.
Alex Verdugo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .275. Don’t care how hot Enrisque is or how fast Jarren is, it’s ludicrous Verdugo is hitting sixth. But Alex Cora wins games, so he must be doing something right. I just realized something, everyone talks about how stupid pitcher wins are, but all anyone cares about are team wins. Not sure what that means, and my brain hurts thinking about it.
Joe Ross – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.80, as he returns from the IL. He had a 1.95 ERA in 32 1/3 IP in June and is keeping it going in his return. Joe Ross has been so good over his last eight starts he should have some kind of theme music. Streamonator is meh on his next start, but he’s getting the about-to-trade-everyone Cubs at home and I’d stream him.
Brad Hand – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.67, 5th blown save, and his 7th earned run in the last three games, 8th run in the five games, and Brad is single-Hand-edly eliminating the Nats from the NL East. Daniel Hudson could start to see saves, or he could get traded.
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .237. McClutchen’s home run was the one that gave Hand the finger, and said, “I’m now your father, call yourself Bad Handrew.”
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .232. More like “1-for-4 with a homer” Hoskins, but if his daddy named him that, he’d prolly be a pitcher. A Boy Named Sue-type deal.
Spencer Howard – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.72. Siri, show me Dom Brown as a pitcher.