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Rockies aren’t good at home anymore and it’s so funny. Like, that’s the joke. The Rockies. Excuse me, the Jokies. Is that a thing? It is now! Bud Black is a joke, the entire organization is a joke. From top to bottom, just jokey joke jokes. The Jokies’ owner, Dick Monfort says, “Can’t believe we’ve got Kris Bryant locked up until he’s 37. We are so smart,” as Monfort pushes on a door that says pull. Also, and I know I joke a lot about the Jokies, so I have to tell you this is absolutely true, Dick Monfort appointed one of the majors’ youngest scouting directors. Who is this overachiever? His son! He appointed his son the scouting director. What’s his qualifications? I just told you! He’s his son! Any hoo! Edward Cabrera (6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 9 Ks) threw a gem in Coors, in his first start up with the team. The command is pretty worrisome here. In Triple-A, he had a 4.6 BB/9 with a 4.56 ERA. I’m actually surprised he was promoted. The stuff is electric, but he could have some absolute roofies. Outside of NL-Only, I’d be concerned. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (8) in the 1st game, and legs (8) in the 2nd game for the Ernie Banks Slam & Legs. Jazz should do a home run trot where he marches around the bases like Albert from Treme, the Mardi Gras Indian chief.

Garrett Cooper – 3-for-8, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, but left with an intercostal injury. So sad, too bad–So, what’s going on with Jerar Encarnacion? Ya know, the Marlins’ OF prospect who hits a home run every two games.

Jesus Sanchez – 4-for-8, 2 runs, 4 RBIs, and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. It’s not so much that all Marlins are hot as much as they’re in Coors.

Trevor Rogers – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.80. I have a tear of blood slowly rolling down my cheek for the people who drafted Trevor Rogers and Robbie Ray. At a certain point, you just have to cut bait. Fish pun noted.

Brendan Rodgers – 4-for-8, 5 run, 4 RBIs, and his 3rd, 4th and 5th homer. Why can’t every game be a doubleheader in Coors that goes extra innings and against terrible relievers?

Luis Garcia – 1-for-4 as he was called up. There’s more Luis Garcias than Rocky movies. I will now compare them. Luis Garcia, the Astros pitcher, he’s Rocky 1. Clearly. Luis Garcia, the Padres’ reliever, he’s Rocky 2. I’m sure I saw it, but I can’t tell you what it was about. I mean, besides boxing. Luis Garcia, the Nats’ middle infielder who was just called up, he’s Rocky 3. Luis Garcia in the Jays’ system? I’m gonna go Rocky 6, because I don’t know if there is a Rocky 6 and I don’t know anything about that Luis Garcia. The Phils’ Luis Garcia? He’s all the Rockys. He’s from Philly! (This feels like a paragraph Bill Simmons would’ve wrote, if he still wrote things.) Now, I didn’t place Nats’ Luis Garcia as Rocky 3 by accident. I’m not punch-drunk. Rocky 1 was an Oscar movie; clear number one. But Rocky 3 has Hulk Hogan, and Mr. T, and, more importantly, Mr. T saying to Adrian, “Let’s bang!” It’s got it all! It’s a fan favorite, just as this Luis Garcia can be. Alcides is out, and sucks. The Nats didn’t promote Luis Garcia to not play him. In 79 Triple-A games, he went .309/.369/.562 with 21 HR and no speed. He has insanely great contact and decent power. Think Luis Arraez but with actual homers. I’m a fan.

Tomas Nido – 4-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .253. The new Mets are a team that loses its starting catcher and has a new one show up and do better. Nido, indeedo.

Carlos Carrasco – 5 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.63. Streamonator loved this start for Carrasco, and enjoys his next one too, and, with these new Mets unable to do anything wrong, maybe he’ll be fine, but this is not your slightly older brother’s Carrasco.

Kyle Wright – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.41. Been a while since I looked at his peripherals, so…*rolls sleeves up, reveals my “I love Adalberto” tattoo, rolls sleeves back down*…He has a 10 K/9, 3.5 BB/9 and a 3.30 xFIP. So, yes, he’s not as good as his 2.45 ERA, but also not wildly overperforming. Likely closer to a 3.50 ERA pitcher than what he’s showing, but the Ks are nice, and if he can command his pitches better, things could become better still.

Austin Riley – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 3rd homer in four games and who cares? I only care about Matt Olson (0-for-4, 1 RBI)! Why didn’t he stay hot?! Did someone curse him? Am I cursed?! Someone tell me!

Jean Segura – Expected to miss 12 weeks. He should be back in time for the Phils to make that final playoff push (assuming there was a late addition to the CBA that isn’t public yet that says 28 teams make the playoffs).

Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 5 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.92. It’s so cute how the Phils play the first 8 innings of a game, when everyone knows it’s going to come down to whether or not Corey Knebel can figure out his shizz. Yesterday, he did, and got his 9th save with a clean 9th.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Is it time for one of his patented 15 homers in a month rampages?

Wilmer Flores – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, as he bats third. Giants’ lineup is a challenge to see how weird it can get and they can still win. Donovan Walton playing 2nd? Wait…Did I make up that name? Maybe! He’s no Jason Vosler, I’ll tell ya that! Who? Doesn’t matter. Well, not until he’s randomly hitting .350.

Harold Castro – 2-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .315. I talk a lot about failed picks/teams, but I have Castro in one league where I’m going back and forth out of first place, and he’s been a lifesaver with Wander going down. Also, Castro will be in this Friday’s Buy, which is available now on Patreon.

Tarik Skubal – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.15. Casey Mize? Not sure, don’t care. Matt Manning? Unsure, don’t care. Skubal? Yeah, that’s where it’s at. Tarik Skubal literally started a job at the butter factory and is giving guided tours.

Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.01. You gotta do better than that vs. the Tigers, who are collectively hitting .223, and worse than the Pirates. C’mon, Ober, don’t make me reach for the remote control.

Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.93. Wow, does he suck. I mean, vs. the Orioles? This feels like a nightmare. Is this real life? Someone pinch me. Not literally! Stop touching me!

Rougned Odor – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. He homered off that meatball purveyor Robbie Ray.

Ryan Mountcastle – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Just looking at Ray in those tight pants got a rise out everyone’s balls.

Trey Mancini – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Did the O’s move their fences back in, but just for their at-bats?

Ramon Urias – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. He’s been a hot schmotato going on two weeks. Cust kayin’.

Grayson Rodriguez – Left yesterday’s start with right lat discomfort. Pain. For me. Well, I’m sure for him too.

Michael Kopech – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.20. The Regression Fairies have started wearing white again after Memorial Day, and they will destroy your ratios.

Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Dude got so old so fast. He looks older than Nelson Cruz. Hey, is Abreu actually Nelson Cruz Sr.?

A.J. Pollock – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Surprised Pollock’s not having his best season in Chicago, surrounded by so many Cheeburger Cheeburger Cheeburger guys.

Danny Jansen – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. What’s that, if you drafted only the Jays catchers — Jansen and Kirk — you’d be doing better than Vlad, Bo and Teoscar? Haha, not quite! (But close.)

Santiago Espinal – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, as he hit leadoff. Sounds like in Canada they speak Espinal!

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Cake Batter risin’! Please keep risin’!

Hunter Greene – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.19. He was cruising early, all Ks, no walks, no homers, then he continued to not allow homers or walks and he still unraveled.

Garrett Whitlock – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 0 Ks, ERA at 3.02. He had a 10.2 K/9 going into this game. Betting zero Ks from Whitlock vs. the Reds would’ve been like a 12,000 to 1 bet.

Craig Kimbrel – Working to clean up his mechanics. No wonder, right now his mechanics look like a very hairy McDonald’s. Daniel Hudson wouldn’t be a bad stash for Kimbrel owners and just your all-around save vultures.

Jose Quintana – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.32. If I would’ve drafted Quintana in the 4th round of drafts instead of Robbie Ray, I’d be doing so much better. That is funny to me like sitting on a flaming porcupine.

Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (3), and his 2nd homer in two games, and three homers in four games and, well, oddly enough, all he seems to be doing recently is homering, as he hits .220.

Jason Alexander – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, as he was called up. It’s the Summer of George! Jason Alexander was seen wearing his hat backwards and saying, “I’m so down,” to whatever Corbin Burnes said.

Jon Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.83. Whoa, there pardner. There’s only one Big Dog, Fancy Pantsed Grey, and he’s got a mustache and talks about baseball, but doesn’t play it. Okay? Funny how one great game can still take yawnstipating peripherals and make them seem in-line with norms. Not haha funny. Streamonator loved yesterday’s start, and is meh on his next, and I kinda agree, but if he’s available, he’s worth grabbing to see if this is the start of great things. Like most Greys.

Jeffrey Springs – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.88. People continue to want to drop Springs, and everyone’s situations are different, but I see Springs on my team with Robbie Ray, and I’m glad I have Springs!

Colin Poche – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.59, as he blew the save, but got the win. This is kinda irrelevant, but I found it funny. The Rays pitched seven guys yesterday. Not one had an ERA over 2.70, and five of them were under 1.88. They could take the Phils’ bullpen guys and make them Mariano Rivera.

Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.23 as he was outpitched by Cole Irvin – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.96, which is why I couldn’t vote Verlander into the Hall of Fame and instead wrote in Irvin’s name. Okay, goofing aside, I went to look at Irvin’s player page, and I cackled. His K/9 is 5.5. Uh…huh?

Dany Jimenez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.92. Pimply-faced teenager runs into frame, “Watch out! Dany Jimenez is falling back to earth!” Maybe the A’s will randomly turn to A.J. Puk, or *puke* Trivino. Though, Dany’s prolly earned enough rope to be sucky a few more times.

Konnor Pilkington – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.65. Konnor Pilkington was previously known to American audiences for a podcast he co-hosted with Ricky Gervais. I wouldn’t pick up Pilkington if, by some crazy chance, the Streamonator liked a matchup of his.

Yu Darvish – 7 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.03. Hey, it’s 2021 Darvish. Hey, 2021 Darvish, say hello to your mother for me!

Luke Voit – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. After he hit that homer, he screamed to his old club, the Cards. “You could’ve had this!” Cards, rightfully, must’ve been upset, as the .217-hitting Voit rounded the bases.

Nolan Arenado – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. They opened grandma’s urn and gave each grandchild some of her ashes. Please, let me showing you the mound I got, it’s over by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!

Dakota Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.96. My preseason thinking: “Every Cards starter is always good. I don’t know why. They just are.” Where I went wrong: “Which is why I drafted Steven Matz.”

Nick Wittgren – 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.30, as he got the save. Gallegos and Helsley were both used recently, so Wittgren pitched, nothing to see here. Well, there is a fun fact! Wittgren is a shot of what I like to add to my smoothie.