Eddie Hustling Minnesota Bats

As oft-misheard lyric is, “Eddie, are you okay?  Are you okay, Eddie?”  For those millennials who are reading, misheard lyrics were lyrics you thought you were hearing in songs before you could just Google, “[song name] lyrics.”  For 25 years, people went around singing, “I can see clearly now Lorraine is gone,” and were just happy to be rid of Lorraine!  R.E.M.’s It’s the End of the World as We Know It (and I Feel Fine) was just a chorus and four minutes of jumbled words, and that…sounded…fine!  So, is Eddie Rosario okay, or is he just okay Eddie?  Yesterday, Rosario went 2-for-5, 4 RBIs with his 17th homer as he hits over .400 in the last week.  Some notes about Eddie:  he’s gone hitless in only two games in August; has five steals to go with the 17 homers; is hitting .303; has a .209 ISO which is tied for 56th in baseball; and now hits at the top of the order.  He should be grabbed in all leagues, and, I’m moving close to him becoming my 2018’s Max Kepler.  *inhales deeply*  Ah, the sweet smell of embarrassment.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Brian Dozier – 1-for-2, 3 runs and his 25th homer, hitting .260, and his 3rd homer this week.  Don’t sleep on Dozier in the 2nd half, even though The Dozier sounds like a French hammock you’d buy on late-night TV.

Miguel Sano – Hit the DL with a stress reaction in his shin.  His shins could hurt the Twins’ playoff chances.  Oh, inverted world, caring about the Twins is creepy.

Zack Greinke – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.16 vs. Jose Berrios – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.99.  That’s a glimpse of a 2020 matchup when Greinke’s on and off waivers and Berrios is a Cy Young contender.

Jake Lamb – 1-for-4 and his 27th homer, hitting .265.  To contradict Mary J. Blige, I do have time for the wham-bam thank you, Lamb.  So, gas me up, get me drunk and hit the skins and scram.

Brandon Drury – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer.  With the way balls are flying out of parks, and being in Chase for his home games, you really have to try to only hit ten homers.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer as he was traded to the Dodgers on Friday.  Even though it seems like Kike should be fighting against righties, Grandy will get them.  Love this from a real baseball perspective.  For fantasy?  Meh, Granderson is a middle-of-the-order, occasional power bat that has somehow been mislabeled as a leadoff guy.  Oh, from the files of It Might Be Time To Stop Talking About How Joc Pederson Went 30/30 In Triple-A, Joc Pederson was sent down.

Yu Darvish – Hit the 10-day DL with back tightness.  Yu said, “Wait, my back feels fine–,” when the Dodgers’ acting coach, Dianne Wiest, said, “Don’t speak,” and put her fingers to his lips.

Cody Bellinger – Has a mild ankle sprain and sat out on Sunday.  Dodgers’ manager, Dave Roberts said Bellinger might miss a few games, then Roberts stole second base.

Clayton Kershaw – Will make a rehab start this week, and could return on September 1st.  Feel bad for the minor league hitters he’ll be facing in his rehab start.  Will be like in Little League when you face the ’12-year-old’ with a mustache.

Michael Fulmer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.60.  Huge bounce back for Fulmer after an elbow-related DL stint that was sandwiched by two terrible starts.  That’s not a good sandwich like an Oreo, but more of a bad sandwich like Hydrox.  Accept no substitutes!  Fulmer gets the Jason Biggs Sox next time out and I could see trying him again.

Justin Upton – 1-for-4 and his 26th homer, and 3rd homer this weekend.  This shizz literally floors me every time I look it up, but, on our Player Rater, Upton is now top 12 overall.  Not for outfielders, for all hitters and pitchers.

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.96.  After the start, the fans gave him a standing ovation.  Always the gentleman, Verlander waived his trade clause to the fans.

Jesus Aguilar – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th and 14h homer.  I like to call Jesus, the son of Giancarlo.

Tom Koehler – Acquired by the Blue Jays.  I know what likely happened here.  I saw a Vice special about a slow-moving Y2K bug that has affected some computers 17 years later.  The bug causes some major league baseball teams to think it’s the Winter Meetings.  Merry Christmas, Blue Jays!  Oh, and Happy Hanukah to Kevin Pillar, the Blue Jew!

Josh Donaldson – 1-for-4, 1 run as he played shortstop.  Are the Blue Jays trying get Donaldson eligibility to make him more enticing to me?  Very sneaky, cis(gender)!

Roberto Osuna – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, and his 8th blown save, ERA at 3.61.  If the Jays were playing for something, I’d suggest grabbing Ryan Tepera, who sounds like he should be battered but has been better than Osuna.  Though, I get the sense that the Jays will stay with Osuna.

Aroldis Chapman – Removed from the closer role.  If only Aroldis could hold onto the closer job like he does to his girlfriends, but how do you tie a closer job to a bedpost or lock it in the closet?  Some of you mentioned in my top 100 for the 2nd half that Aroldis is nowhere near the top three closers, but I thought his 1st half struggles would settle down, and, well, no, I was wrong, so that’s my b.  Aroldis will become the closer again; it might not happen until next March.  However, I wouldn’t drop him just yet.  Need to see how it plays out over a week or two.  Dellin Betances (got the save on Saturday) and David Robertson could split save chances in the mean’s while.

CC Sabathia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.99, as he was activated from DL.  Random Prediction Alert!  In October, A-Rod will say, “In August, CC came into Fenway and beat Chris Sale, and can do it again,” as A-Rod wears a raincoat, in Fox’s new feature, where A-Rod does color commentating while players shower.

Brett Gardner – 2-for-4 and a slam (20) and (16), hitting .256.  If you’re a finely tuned fantasy machine with Cheeto-orange dust on your fingertips and a prematurely balding dome, you’ll likely notice how gee-dee well Gardner is doing.  I mean, damn, Cousin Sweatpants.  20 HRs/16 SBs in the 3rd week of August?  Yes, please and thank you.

Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners 0 Ks, ERA at 3.38 vs. Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.48.  “Hey, A-Rod here, and what these players don’t know is I’m inside their Gatorade bucket.  Oh, hold on, Hicks is coming by for a drink, I need to quickly whizz.”

Drew Pomeranz – Expected to return on Wednesday after leaving his last start with back spasms.  Or as the guy who lost his thesaurus would say, “His back is back so he’ll be back.”

Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.24, as he returned from the DL.  Strasburg also returned to his hometown (San Diego) for this start.  Unfortch, the Padres weren’t as welcoming with a Wood/Hand combo, which sounds like Netflix’s The Keepers.

Hunter Renfroe – Sent to Triple-A because he was struggling.  Uh-oh, Renfroe.  Or as Scooby Doo would say, uh-oh, Renfroe.

Sean Newcomb – 5 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 4.13.  Keep throwing BBs like that and he is going to shoot out someone’s eyes.

Brandon Phillips – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, three homers in the last ten games, and hitting near-.500 in the last four games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Kevin Gausman – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.25.  Let him go, guys and five girls.  It’s just not worth it.  We’ll look at him again next year.

Cameron Maybin – Sat out for the fifth straight game with a knee injury, then pinch-hit and stole a base (22nd).  Now a DL stint can’t be backdated.  You’d think Maybin would know how the DL works by now.

Garrett Richards – Faced hitters on Sunday.  That puts his timetable at “getting shut down for another three months” about one month away.  For any GMs out there reading, this is how you ruin a career.

Cam Bedrosian – 1 IP, 0 ER as he pitched the 7th inning of a tie game, after coming into the 6th inning of Friday’s game.  The Sciosciapath is using Bedrosian as the closer, assuming he has amnesia and no idea when the ninth inning is.  Yesterday, Bud Norris (1 IP, 0 ER) got the save, but I’m not falling for that honeytrap again.

Kole Calhoun – 1-for-2, 3 runs, and his 16th homer, and 3rd homer in the last four games.  Somehow, he’s a redheaded stepchild and a hot schmotato.

Jacob Faria – Hit the DL with “let’s limit his innings,” but the Rays are calling it an abdominal strain.  More like a strain of incredulity.

Jake Odorizzi – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.74.  Coming into this year, his home ERA was under 3.00 and almost two runs lower at home.  So far this year, his home ERA is 5.18 and more than a run better on the road.  Wouldn’t say he’s necessarily a Road Scholar.  His xFIP at home in lower, but his BABIP is higher, i.e., bad luck.  What’s that, 35 more words about Odorizzi than you ever wanted?  I’m edumacating you.

Kevin Kiermaier – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, and three straight games with a hit since his return from the DL.  Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him Your Lineup” Department said, “I’ve received wrong number phone calls for this guy, but never Kevin Gausman.  Hmm…”  If you’re looking for a guy that gives you a little bit of everything with emphasis on little, grab Kiermaier.

Blake Snell – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (2 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 4.42.  Most impressively, he hasn’t given up more than two walks in any August start.  Less impressively, well, have you seen his numbers?

Danny Espinosa – Released by the Mariners.  He’ll prolly get a $50 million contract with someone in about four years after he goes to Korea and sets home run records there.  “Spotted out eating bibimbap with Psy was Danny Espinosa from the Seoul Ofdasneakers.”  That’s a South Korean gossip rag reporting Danny’s every move.

Trevor Bauer – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.50, and now a 1.63 ERA in August through 27 2/3 IP with 32 Ks.  Even goofy-ass Tito Francona couldn’t mess up Bauer by using him in relief only two days before this start.  Hard to dislike Bauer right now, even with his next start vs. the Sawx.

Danny Salazar – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.30.  I will give Salazar this, there’s so little middle ground with him.  He’s either terrific or terrible, Terry Crews or Terry I-Wanna-Kill-Him.

Francisco Lindor – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (20) and legs (9), hitting .266.  Somehow, Zimmer has 15 steals in 250 less at-bats.  Yup, no idea.

Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs, and his 45th homer, hitting .286.  In my quest to get close to Giancarlo and around a restraining order, I’ve come up with an invention.  A hula hoop that is exactly 500 feet in circumference.  I’m now putting together my sales team.  There’s a whole list of potential buyers in the sex registry.

Adam Conley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.93.  This start came against the Mets, who have their eye firmly fixed on future years.  Hopefully for the Mets, those future years are still in the twenty-teens.

Jacob deGrom – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 1o baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.49.  We should have a glossary term for an ace on a terrible team.  Please suggest in the comments.  Thank you.

Josh Bell – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 21st home run.  I thought he was in my Friday Buy, but he wasn’t.  What does this mean?  Josh’s name rings a Bell!  Hey now!

Dovydas Neverauskas – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.53.  He’s just a middle reliever on the Pirates, but he’s also the first Lithuanian-born MLB player.  The Pirates also had the first Indian-born and South African-born, too.  McCutchen better be careful if they get the first Somalian-born.  He’d no longer be the captain.

Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer.  Holy shizzballs, this guy has sonavabenched me for four of his five homers.  What the eff in the effhole am I doing?  Rhetorical!  Or maybe not if you have a satisfactory answer.

Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.02.  All foolsies aside, what the eff happened to this young brother?

Boog Powell – 3-for-4, 1 run as he hits leadoff.  Don’t worry, I’m a cyclops with a monocle on him, so you don’t have to worry.

Jharel Cotton – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.63 vs. Brad Peacock 5 1/3, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.21.  This matchup was billed as, “Peacock vs. Cotton:  The Hanes Underwear Challenge.”

Collin McHugh – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.01.  Stream-o-Nator has no love for McHugh’s next start, like Snoop said the Source Awards had no love for Death Row, but I’d start McHugh.

Marwin Gonzalez – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer to go with his 72 RBIs.  Not in this game, that would be a record though, barely beating out a game Bonds had in 2001.  At the end of the year, we’re gonna look back at everyone and y’all are gonna be like, “Damn, I was effin’ with Miggy for five months and I should’ve just owned Marwin Gardens from Mono-polly.”

Juan Minaya – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 2nd save.  That’s two for Juan!

Joey Gallo – Left the game after colliding with Matt Bush.  Let’s hope Gallo recovers better than the last person Matt Bush collided into.

Rougned Odor – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, and 3rd homer this weekend, hitting .223.  The average is poor obvi, but a 32 HR/15 SB season really isn’t that bad.

Carlos Gomez – Hit the DL with a shoulder injury that has been bothering him since 2014.  Delino DeShields (1-for-4, 2 steals — 23 and 24) will see an increase in playing time, which is overdue for about as long as Gomez’s shoulder has been barking.  Speaking of barking (great segue!), do I have to worry about my dog’s eyes during this solar eclipse?  Do I need to get Ted some solar eclipse glasses?  Is there a doggie helmet he can wear?  Am I okay because Ted has never looked at the sun in his life?  Seriously, Cougs is saying Ted can’t go outside for the entire day for fear he might glance into the eclipse and laser-fry his retinas, but what she doesn’t know is all I want to do is look at the sun.  I’ve never wanted to look at the sun before, why is my urge so strong now?  Why, Giancarlo?!