Yesterday, Chris Coghlan went full Ivan Drago on Jung-ho Kang‘s knee, taking him out in a hard slide. Kang is now done for the year, and could miss a month of next season, with a torn MCL. That’s not the year 1150, if any Romans are reading this. He also has a fractured fibia. Coghlan should not be allowed to wear that Iron Mike Sharpe knee pad. Things couldn’t be much worse for the Pirates, who will now rely on Jordache Mercer (full name). Kang’s agent said, “It is unfortunate that what would be considered heads up baseball would cause such a serious injury. That said, Coghlan was playing the game the way it should be played.” Doesn’t that sound backhanded? Like, “It’s a shame we allow 85-year-old people to drive, but that’s the law and thanks for crashing into my car.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. This was his 2nd homer in his past four games. His is the important word in that sentence since he doesn’t play every day. Well, homer is important too. Okay, four’s kinda important. You know what, there’s a few important words in that sentence.
Travis Snider – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Isn’t he due to get traded back to the Orioles? I thought he was a career platoon guy that started in left field vs. righties for the Orioles and against righties for the Pirates.
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (26). As I targeted Marte in all of my drafts this year, next year, I will be owning two Pirate outfielders, and neither will likely be The Once Dreaded Pirate.
Jorge Soler – Activated from the DL and served as a bench bat yesterday. I think if I were Maddon, I would use Soler off the bench for the remainder of the year or until the Cubs are eliminated from the playoffs or clinch a spot. You don’t put in a player that hasn’t been in the majors for a while right into the lineup in a pennant chase. Then again, if I were Maddon, I wouldn’t be batting Coghlan third, I wouldn’t be starting Hendricks or Hammel and I wouldn’t be wearing Buddy Holly-type glasses after getting on an airplane.
Kris Bryant – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .274. I took some guff for taking Bryant in the first round of the podcast’s 2016 fantasy baseball mock draft (clickbait!), but that’s cause they all a bunch of guffers!
Kyle Hendricks – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.22. Doode’s such garbage that his Garbage Pail Kids altar ego is exactly the same, Kyle Hendricks.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Mat Latos – Designated for assignment. Wow. I mean, he wasn’t good, but designated for assignment? I’d hate to be a hashtag around Dallas Latos right now. Rudy called this one big time in the preseason. Well played, Rudy, though I am still killing you in our RCL league.
Adam Wainwright – News said he will find out his fate on Monday. Yikes, sounds like a haunting Twilight Zone episode.
Thomas Pham – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs after hitting three homers in the past two days, and now he’s been moved up to the two hole. Hot schmotato alert!
Matt Carpenter – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 23rd homer and 2nd homer in two days. Carpe diem! Oh, man, that reminded me of Diem from The MTV Challenge. Now here come the waterworks. C’mon, brain, stop playing highlights of her and CT’s relationship.
John Lackey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Sonavabench! I was like, “It’s Miller Park, and Miller Park is a launching pad like every other cheap beer ballpark.” Dah! Can’t believe I sat a pitcher with a sub-3 ERA in September.
Jimmy Nelson – 2 IP, 4 ER, but was removed after taking a liner off the melon. Gallager is looking into possible copyright infringement.
Jean Segura – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. You silly goose, you don’t have to tempt me any further, I’m already interested for next year. All you have to do is be in uniform and I’m interested.
Billy Butler – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer and 2nd homer in as many games. Butler will be appearing in this afternoon’s Buy column, and at a local IHOP where he’ll be asking, “In place of the Rooty and Tooty and Fresh and Fruity, can I just get more pancakes?”
Brett Lawrie – 3-for-4, 1 run. Lawrie really hasn’t been bad this year. He hasn’t been great either, but baby steps, Bob.
Sean Doolittle – 2 IP, 0 ER and the vulture win. J-FoH brought up a good point yesterday. He said that the vulture win is unexpected and exciting, it’s like the fantasy baseball version of the nip slip.
Mike Olt – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, but he started in place of Jose Abreu, so that should’ve been Abreu’s homer and hence my home run. I feel like Stan Gable, “Hey, that’s my Pi!”
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. As the Stream-o-Nator would’ve told you, this was a good matchup for him. His next one? Not so much.
David Robertson – 1 IP, 3 ER and his 7th blown save. Now has five earned runs in his past two appearances. Did Samardzija sneeze on him? Nate Jones hasn’t been much better, and Zach Duke seems to never get a chance to save games. I could see Robertson getting a breather for a game, but he’ll likely be right back out there, since there’s only two weeks left and there’s no reason to replace him on the White Sux.
Danny Duffy – Moved to the pen to allow Guthrie to show why that mound is his land, from the Redwood forest to the Gulf Stream waters.
Yordano Ventura – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Is this the Royals ace? Not to answer, but to place your hand on your chin and ruminate.
Omar Infante – 3-for-4, 7 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Member when playoff teams, especially ones driven by their offense, had decent bats at the bottom of their lineup?
Alex Rios – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting near-.400 in the last week with two homers, which is half of his season tally, which is not the same as the pitcher, Chris Young.
Trevor Bauer – Moved to the bullpen. That’s all right, he’s been practicing his long toss and can pitch out of the bullpen.
Corey Kluber – 4 IP, 2 ER as he returned from injury. Nice start, Kluber, but I could’ve gotten that from Joe Blanton. It’s a lovely fairy tale you’ve told yourself on what Kluber will do in his return, but there’s not enough time to wait for him to get it together. In most mixed leagues, I’d look at streamers instead of him.
Chris Tillman – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Matt Moore 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks. This game was billed as, “How big are your trouser oranges to stream either of them? Are they more like trouser grapefruits?” For those thinking about now picking up Moore, this game was no indication he’ll be good again next time out. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s much worse.
John Jaso – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt his name is my name too! That will never fail to go through my head, which leads me to believe I was brainwashed in kindergarten. Did I go to kindergarten in Manchuria? Speaking of The Manchurian Candidate, here’s a drinking game for you when watching. Every time you find Angela Lansbury attractive then get the willies because it’s Angela Lansbury, take a drink.
Giancarlo Stanton – His return was put on hold again. For the love of Giancarlo, just shut him down until next year. Please!
Martin Prado – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column because, well, Prado, but he does have homers in back-to-back games.
Justin Bour – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 2nd in as many games. I thought he was nothing but a Loney clone — a Cloney, if you will — but he’s showing some power. Could this be the real Bour identity?
Tanner Roark – 5 IP, 6 ER. He was much better in the rotation when he was actually in the bullpen and you were fantasizing about what he’d do in the rotation.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer. I promise, you never have to draft him again. So, you just know, he’s going to bounce back next year.
Josh Hamilton – Yesterday, he hit in a cage. Then Pence started shouting, “Hey, I live here!”
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer. On Wednesday, it was the Rangers hitter that takes up more land. Yesterday, it was Moreland. The latter one has now homered three times in his last nine games, and is worth grabbing.
Shin-Soo Choo – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Yeah, but what was his BIBIMBAP in this game?
Elvis Andrus – 0-for-3, 1 run and two steals (19, 20). It’s almost like he was going against Cervelli. Oh wait, Jason Castro (1-for-2) was activated.
Carlos Gomez – Was encouraged by his progress and was able to throw during batting practice. Great, if the Astros need a pitcher for a Home Run Derby, they’ll know who to turn to.
Lance McCullers – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. He could be tiring, but I’d also be hesitant about starting anyone right now vs. the Rangers.
Hector Santiago – 2/3 IP, 5 ER. The Regression Fairies have become obsessed with Santiago.
Mike Trout – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 37th and 38th homers, one of which was a grand slam. Trout with the grand slam? That sounds like one fancy Denny’s!
Albert Pujols – 0-for-4. Did he retire in August?
Taylor Featherston – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd home run. After the game, he turned up the collar on his Vineyard Vines shirt, doffed his cap and changed into his plaid pants. Taylor Featherston, when egg shell white, isn’t white enough.
Chris Iannetta – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Now, you did it. Now, The Sciosciapath is gonna have to bench you.
Tommy Milone – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Twins were just happy he didn’t walk anyone. Gotta stay economical with your pitches!
Aaron Hicks – 1-for-4 and a slam (11) and legs (12). Next year’s Pollock? Could be.
Torii Hunter – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer, and his 2nd homer in four games. This reminded me of the 80’s TV show, Hunter, but I couldn’t remember anything about it. According to IMDB, Hunter was a renegade cop who broke the rules and took justice into his own hands. That got me thinking, someone should do a mashup of different era cops ‘taking justice in their own hands.’ Imagine Hunter meeting Vic Mackey? Hunter would be appalled!
Manny Banuelos – Went to see Dr. James Andrews for a routine checkup on his elbow. Muahahahahahaha, bad move, Manny! He left with elbow surgery to have a spur removed. Elsewhere, a Vegas Wyatt Earp impersonator said, “That’s where it went!”
Marco Estrada – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Braves. The lineup he was facing had Freeman, Olivera and Markakis. And those are the good hitters!
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-5 and his 39th homer. F5!
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-5 and his 33rd homer. The Cortisone Brothers activate! In the form of a cortisone shot!
Devon Travis – Will have exploratory surgery on his shoulder. Here’s hoping they find either the player we saw in April or Dennis Miller when he was funny.
