Steve Cishek hit the DL with the same injury that sounds like it once affected Nadia Comaneci –a torn labrum. Grey’s got Olympics fever! Which this year sounds like it can be transmitted by a mosquito. “I’m not wearing my Brazilian national flag t-shirt to sit in the room all day! Actually, I feel a little woozy too.” That’s a family of four coming down with the Zika Virus at this year’s Olympics. With Cishek likely out for the year, grab Edwin Diaz in all leagues. On a related note, I’ll leave you with the Double Dutch Bus, a song that Missy Elliott later made famous on Gossip Folks. The chorus for Double Dutch Bus sounds like it’s just me trying to say the name Steve Cishek. Fast forward to 2:15 if you’re not feeling early 80s funk and just want the guy to say Steve Cishek repeatedly.
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ariel Miranda – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Before each pitch, Miranda would tell the Red Sox they had the right to remain silent, which got old real quick. Stupid Constitutional rights. Miranda was obtained in the Wade Miley trade, and he looks like he could, one day, if everything breaks right, maybe, possibly, be as good as Miley.
Drew Pomeranz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (6 BBs), 6 Ks. I get it that the AL is tougher, but six walks in six innings? That many free passes and you may as well hang up the cleats and become a Chance deck in Monopoly. Amiright?!
Travis Shaw – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 13th homer, hitting .263. My confirmation bias tells me Shaw hits a homer every ten games and never gets hot. Lots of 1-for-4’s with 1 RBI from this guy.
Andrew Miller – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER as he was used in the 6th and 7th innings. To afford Miller, the Indians sold bullpen responsibilities to Drew Carey. Lucky for the Indians that Carey prefers Bud in the early innings. Obviously, hold onto Cody Allen, this shituation just got murky.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 4th steal. Everything you can do, he can do better, minus the ability to impress on his mother to keep her shirt on.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .245. Napoli’s been great, but Carlos Santana hasn’t been bad this year either. Looks like the offseason trip to that Black Magic Woman paid off. Sorry, African-American Magic Woman.
Jason Kipnis – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer, hitting .285. Also, in this game, Brian Dozier (2-for-4) hit his 22nd homer. These two guys are like the white man’s overbite version of Ben Revere and Denard Span. Not to do fantasy profiling, but could you pick Dozier or Kipnis’s stats out of lineup?
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .306. It’s no coincidence that I’m kicking ass in all of my leagues in hitting and I own Lindor in three of them. In one league, my Scout league, I’ve finally reached first place after a season-long struggle, braving a rainstorm of locusts and Giancarlo’s subpar year. Get a taste –> here’s the standings.
Rajai Davis – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and two steals (26, 27). Naquin, Guyer (2-for-4, 1 run), The King of SAGNOF, whomever the Indians use hits. My thought: over.
Hector Santiago – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.37. Twins fans must be happy Santiago’s at least not Ricky Nolasco. If Nolasco were pitching, his line would’ve been 6 IP, 5 ER. So much worse!
Joe Mauer – 2-for-3, hitting .280, and hitting near .550 in the last week. It’s like it’s 2009 all over again! Except Trump isn’t presiding over a boardroom of Dennis Rodman and Joan Rivers.
Brad Miller – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, and his fourth homer this week. Oh, you best believe he’s in the Buy column that’s coming later today, but you’re a damn fool if you need to wait for that to add him.
Drew Smyly – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.14. Stream-o-Nator loved his start yesterday, for good reason, but the Matchup Gods are not Smyly’ing down on him for his next start.
Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 0 ER 1 Hit, 4 Walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.03. Kennedy’s gotta be careful with those BBs, especially if there’s Communists, Cubans, Mafia or Lyndon B. Johnson around.
Paulo Orlando – 3-for-4. Elias Sports Bureau said Orlando’s big game in Tampa came exactly 84 miles away from a Little League game where Bobby Tampa went 3-for-4 in Orlando.
Aaron Sanchez – Blue Jays announced that Sanchez would remain in the rotation for the time being. Hey, it’s their prerogative to change their minds, but at some point soon we’re going to get into the territory where I no longer want anything to do with Sanchez next year due to overuse this season.
J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Exhibit A why you should draft NL pitchers. Happ’s 6th in the AL with that ERA. He’d be 17th in the NL.
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4 and his 30th homer, and 91st RBI. What’s he on pace for? 44 HRs and 125 RBIs? Dayum.
Jesse Hahn – 4 IP, 5 ER as he was recalled for the start. Talk to the Hahn, because if he keeps pitching like that he’s going to want company.
Danny Valencia – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer. The A’s and Blue Jays should get together and not bench Valencia and Sanchez together.
Ryon Healy – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .246. He hasn’t done a thing recently, so we’ll have to wait for more. Fo’Healy.
Ji-Man Choi – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and 3rd and 4th homers. If he were in his native South Korea, he’d have comic books written about him and be showered with gochujang, which sounds like it might sting his eyes, so maybe it’s for the best.
Mike Trout – Missed yesterday’s game with a head cold. C’mon, man, you can’t spell Robitussin without RBIs!
Andrelton Simmons – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. How bad are the Angels? Simmons hit cleanup yesterday. That should never happen, unless Simmons’ index finger turns into a dustbuster.
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-5, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. If you can’t find better on waivers, you’re not trying hard enough. Sorry, I don’t mean to be hard on you like your father.
Jonathan Lucroy – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .200. HAHAHAHA! Where’s your Lucroy now?! Hitting .200 with one homer! *intern whispers in ear* Turns out that’s just Lucroy stats on the Rangers through three games.
Mark Trumbo – 1-for-4 and his 31st homer, hitting .267. Well, he did come down a long way since hitting .340 through one month, but I’d take his .240 average (rounding) from May 1st on for some of that sweet power.
Pedro Alvarez – 3-for-4 and his 16th homer, and third homer in two games, and fourth homer in the last four games. You need to platoon him out of your lineup on occasion, but right now he might be taking the hottest schmotato in the land label right out from under Yasmany’s nose.
Hyun-Soo Kim – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer and his 12th RBI. Not this week. That’s on the year. He is hitting .335 though.
Jay Bruce – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer. Paying immediate dividends like my coconut monkey bank that holds a sign on it that reads, “401(k).”
Bartolo Colon – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.46. You just know at some point before Colon retires that his 275-pound, big-bellied 19-year-old kid is going to be pitching in the majors too.
Luis Severino – Will start on Tuesday vs. the Red Sox. He looks great in the minors for months while Pineda and Nova look terrible, but Severino’s not promoted, then, finally, they put him in the rotation for the Sawx. It’s official, the Yankees and/or Joe Girardi hate Severino.
Brandon Finnegan – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.45. I started him in one NL-Only league. The league where I can do no wrong. Live with me –> here’s the standings. That’s about as close as it’s been for the last month. This was the league in the beginning of the year where I talked about owning Dustin Garneau. Yeah, he hasn’t really factored in. If you look at that old post and wonder how the hell am I winning by so much, FAAB purchase of Jeanmar and Aledmys haven’t hurt, and Pomeranz couldn’t be used once he went to the AL. Daniel Murphy’s helped a tad too.
Brandon Phillips – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 6th steal. Throwback Thursday!
Scott Schebler – Pulled from the game with a knee injury. Damn, he can’t catch a break this year. He was supposed to start the year in the lineup, then lost his job to Duvall, then Bruce is traded, and Schebler gets another job–Okay, I feel like now I’m just transcribing Scott Schebler’s mom’s Facebook update.
Mike Leake – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.80. If that’s a Leake, I hate to see a full-on busted pipe. “I suggest you put on a life jacket when you go to sleep.” That’s a plumber being real with you when he sees your busted pipe.
Bud Norris – Diagnosed with a strained back, which sounds oddly similar to Kershaw’s issue. Living in LA, I know what the problem is. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference from real and make believe and the Dodgers hired Jon Cryer to be the team chiropractor.
Corey Seager – 1-for-5 and his 19th homer, hitting .306. Yeah, Seager would have 35 homers if he played his home games in Coors. Take that, Trevor Story!
David Dahl – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Tomorrow will be going on a week of me telling you to remove your head from your sun-don’t-shine-area and grab Dahl.
Tyrell Jenkins – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 4.33. He had a 6.2 K/9 in Triple-A and his stuff reads to me like a longman-slash-peg boy.
Jake Thompson – Will debut on Saturday. Here’s what I said the other day, “That was fast replacing Nola. That reminds me of when boob flashing skyrocketed in Daytona Beach after Hurricane Katrina. Thompson may have terrific stuff, I don’t know, but he has a barely 6.00 K/9 in Triple-A, so I’m gonna sit out this rookie nookie.” And that’s me quoting me!
Vincent Velasquez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.33. I streamed him for this start, and, while it depends on how deep your league is, you can likely drop him like I did since he doesn’t have a great next matchup per the Stream-o-Nator.
Aaron Altherr – 1-for-3, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal. Damn, what is that in? 7 games? Someone’s trying to get their sleeper value up for next year.
Matt Moore – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (6 BBs), 7 Ks. Welcome to the NL, Matt Moore! If he were still in the AL East, yesterday’s game would’ve been a 3 IP, 7 ER drubbing. Yup, I’d even look to own Moore in some leagues.
Denard Span – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I almost picked him up for the batty call yesterday. I knew he was hot (near-.350 in the last week), but I really didn’t need steals (so don’t ask me why I picked up Rajai), but I failed to grab Denard dawg. I wonder if the synapses in my head machine are working right. Wait, head machine? What’s the thing in your head called again? The thing with your smarts? Ugh, I’m having a something fart.
Jordan Zimmermann – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.44, as he was activated from the DL, and now he’s headed for another MRI. It’s like Groundhog’s Day only Zimmermann’s career looks more like Andie MacDowell’s than Bill Murray’s.
Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-4 and his 25th homer, hitting .308. Swiggy is getting better as the season goes along like a fine Ripple.
Tim Anderson – Was hit by a pitch on his hand, but x-rays came back negative, saying his hand was half-empty with intact bones. What a negative, bummer of an x-ray!
Jose Quintana – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.93. I think I bet someone that Rodon would do better than Quintana this year. Like 4 AM to 5 AM, not my finest hour.
Avisail Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. That’s now his third homer in the last three games. Maybe he was inspired by facing the Tigers and his Mini Me, Miggy, but whatever it is, Avisail looks to be hot schmotato’ing. He’s not going to be in the Buy column later today but he’s here now.
Jose Abreu – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. In related news, water is dry and the desert is wet. I’d wait for video proof of this Abreu homer before claiming it happened, but right now all I can find is scratchy, 8 mm film with a Loch Ness Monster sticking its head up in the background. Wait a day, then check Snopes to see if Abreu’s homer really happened or if it was created by the media.
