The Rangers called up their super-prospect, Nomar Mazara (3-for-4 and a solo homer). That’s super *prospect*, Hillary Clinton fans. Don’t worry, not the word that is also a title of an Arnie, Carl Weathers and Jesse Ventura movie. How is that trifecta not in more movies? I wanna see ACJ in everything! This Mazara call up is happening a lot faster than I thought it would. As the Story one did and the Max Kepler one and the Mallex Smith one (which I’ll go over in the post) and others. Maybe clubs read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I started to read it, got to the first chapter, “Put first things first,” skipped to the third chapter about being proactive, grew bored and never finished it. Feels like the days of Super Twos and June call-ups are behind us, right? Not answer, but to ruminate. I gave you a Nomar Mazara prospect post back in November of last year where I said, “He won’t struggle to hit .220. He won’t be a liability anywhere. He kinda reminds me of a young Matt Holliday, though from the other side of the dish. I watched some of his YouTube highlights and he doesn’t struggle to hit balls a long way, but also doesn’t look like a fat turd that can’t make it to first. I’m no scout, but watching him makes me think this is what scouts call sexy. I’ve seen him compared to Miguel Cabrera. Okay, no one is Miguel Cabrera until they are Miguel Cabrera, if you catch my drift, but Mazara doesn’t look like a guy that is going to disappoint. .280 with 30 homers a season for many years, that’s what he profiles as.” And that’s me quoting me! I grabbed him in every league where he was available. For now, he’s just filling in for Shin-Soo Choo, who is out four to six weeks with a strained calf, but I could see Mazara staying up and producing. Think Stephen Piscotty-type numbers, 20 HRs, .275, and a few steals. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Yu Darvish – Will throw BP on Wednesday. Figured I’d tell you. Or as Alanis Morissette would say, Yu oughta know.
Robinson Chirinos – Out for 10 to 12 weeks with a fractured forearm. Uh-oh, Chirinos! Taking over full-time duties will be Bryan Holaday. Uh-oh, Rangers.
Marco Estrada – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. When the CHiPS are down, there’s Estrada.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, his 2nd of the weekend. Apparently, his calf is feeling all better. so don’t have a cow, man.
Carl Crawford – Hit the DL with old. The doctors are saying there’s no cure. The doctors are just hiding the cure until someone repels Obamacare. Truth! Scott Van Slyke and Trayce Thompson (2-for-3, 2 RBIs) should both get an uptick in playing time. Thompson is the more interesting of the two, and not simply because he can’t use a men’s room in Georgia due to his first name. Thompson has 15-homer, 20-steal ability, and Van Slyke might be nursing an injury. Developing situation!
Scott Kazmir – 4 IP, 6 ER. Yeah, that looked more like the result of his diminished velocity than the first start.
Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks as he pitchslapped Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time Kershaw gave up a homer and said, “That bum,” where it could be considered a pun.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Glad to see he bounced back from Sandoval’s swing on Saturday.
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 6 ER. Seems like old times. Or at least 2nd half of last year times.
Nick Swisher – Signed with the Yankees. He was in his prime ten years ago? Check. And that’s all the Yankees needed to see, mate.
Christian Yelich – 1-for-2, 1 RBI and his 1st homer. To all of those who didn’t believe in Yelich, he’d just like to say “Ground ball rate this?!” Then his super-hot mom asked him to apologize to everyone. The Yelichs don’t talk like that. Not while they’re living under their super-hot mom’s roof.
Joe Ross – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. This is interesting (not interesting). The Stream-o-Nator liked Ross’s start yesterday vs. the Marlins more than his next start vs. the Braves. I’d still start Ross there. Cust kayin’.
Ender Inciarte – Hit the DL with a strained hamstring, which made room for Mallex Smith. Which brings me to. Dot dot dot.
Mallex Smith – The speedy outfielder was called up. Mallex Smith reminds me of the X-rated movie theater next to the mall. If he could steal bases like I stole glances at the screen. Good thing for Mallex that no one could ID him since steals ain’t got no face. I’d pick him up in all leagues, just in case Inciarte’s injury is a season Ender (bam!). I grabbed Drew Stubbs (1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st home run) in one very deep league, and it would not surprise me to see him get increased playing time too with Mallex platooning.
Jeremy Hazelbaker – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal. I like how in the matter of two games Hazelbaker has usurped Grichuk in left field. Do the Cardinals have to show the world they can make it harder for themselves and still do well? Is it written somewhere the Cardinals have to have one outfielder every year come out of nowhere? Is this a deal made between the devil and Ryan Ludwick? Who is Jeremy Hazelbaker?! I got questions, y’all!
Matt Carpenter – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Carpenter really nailed that one.
Adam Wainwright – 5 IP, 5 ER. After the game, Wainwright phoned into the Braves’ sports radio station and just said, “No, no, no, no, no,” for fifteen minutes until the segment was over.
Rich Hill – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. If you only have 60 to 65 innings in a year, that’s not a bad way to spend six of them.
Marcus Semien – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Not saying these two are related but right after F-Her finished there was a shot by Semien.
Max Kepler – Dannys Antana hit the DL this weekend and the Twins called up their top outfield prospect, Max Kepler. At six-four, Kepler is the world’s largest elf. Will Ferrell could play him in a movie. Prospector Ralph said this preseason, “Max brings a little bit of everything to the table. He looks like a future points league star to me, and some one that will occupy 3-4 OF status in 12-team mixed leagues for years to come. He gets on base, doesn’t strikeout much, and has some power/speed upside. Speaking of upside, I’d like to smack Grey upside his head.” Hey, what’s the big idea? Kepler didn’t start yesterday, but it wouldn’t shock me to see him show OBP skills and take over an outfield spot. Right now, he’s a defensive replacement, 4th outfielder and wait-and-see in shallower mixed leagues.
Eduardo Nunez – 4-for-4, 1 RBI and his 1st steal as he filled in for Plouffe. Another fill-in for Plouffe is “plop.”
Edinson Volquez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks. Just like it’s an unwritten law that if your friend dies, you delete his internet history for him. With Edinson, the unwritten law is you have to put Edinson back on waivers after his start. Good or bad.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Moistasskiss!
Adam Jones – Missed last four games with oblique. Serious question, Jones or Piscotty? Is it close?
Manny Machado – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. In the preseason, I was thinking about how it was odd that Machado is a 30/20/.300 guy at short but was never in the discussion for the top three overall. Maybe I thought it rather than wrote it because that shizz is boring. Hit the snooze alarm, Grey’s not far enough disengaged from reality!
Hyun-soo Kim – 2-for-3, 1 run in his first major league start. After he refused to go the minor leagues, the Orioles should’ve messed with him. Sent him out to left field, then had him do a defense adjustment until he was standing six inches from the outfield wall, facing it.
Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Vance Worley – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. This Rays-Orioles matchup was billed as a Laugh-In reunion with Jo Anne Worley and Ruth (Odor)Buzzi.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-3 and his 3rd home run. Be interesting if MLB steps in and tries to get Dickerson to stop his pre-at-bat ritual. He gets in the batter’s box and pushes the dirt together until he’s standing a mile high to simulate Coors.
Cody Anderson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. Final line wasn’t awful, but unless you’re in a league with categories like “Final Line Wasn’t Awful,” I’d avoid for his next start, and the Stream-o-Nator agrees.
A.J. Pollock – Diamondbacks are saying he could be done for the year. I’ll up their could and say will.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Au Shizz!
Socrates Brito – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Could be the beginning of a hot schmotato run, but it’s too early to say if it’ll be every day that Brito-play. Mmm, Doritos.
Shelby Miller – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks as he was pitchslapped by Jake Arrieta ( 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks). How’s that going not listening to me when I told you not to draft him? Good? Cool.
Jorge Soler – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. With Schwarber out for the year with his Austin City Limits– What? Oh. My intern tells me ACL doesn’t stand for that. Any hoo! Soler should be owned in every league. No idea, and slightly doubt, Maddon just plays him every day when Baez is healthy, but it’s worth it to find out while Soler is on your team.
Vince Velasquez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. And I just dropped him before this start. Damn, I was figuring Velasquez would struggle to find run support, and struggle with his command, and struggle to stay on my team. I’m wearing a ‘I’m With Stupid’ t-shirt and it’s point up at my face.
Jeremy Hellickson – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. So far he’s looked like a bargain for NL-Only leagues, and not exactly like someone I want in shallower mixed leagues. I’m still cyclops’ing him though, just in case, which sounds like and is similar to Juan Nicasio.
Jeanmar Gomez – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save in as many games. That was all the Phillies really needed for a guy to claim the job. You figure if Gomez blows the next save opportunity, he’ll get one more chance after that. Then if he saves that one, he’ll get another two or three chances. Considering the Phils take a few days between save opportunities, this could mean Gomez could be the closer for at least a few weeks, if not a month. In honor of Jeanmar, the Phils fans should shower him with wild strawberries. Outside of deeper mixed leagues, I’d lose the other Phils relievers you were hoping would get saves.
Odubel Herrera – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. At least I think it was Odubel. May have been Whoopi Herrera
Jacob deGrom – Will miss his next start because his lat is still sore. His wife is about to give birth, which could also wreck havoc on his schedule. Like waking up at four in the morning for a poopie check and holding a napkin over his wife’s boob while she’s breastfeeding when all he wants to do is eat his granola and check his fantasy team.
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. Yoesnis attributed the homer to riding to the stadium in his good luck vehicle, an Igloo on wheels. Not an igloo like a house made of ice, but a giant cooler like you bring to the beach.
Trevor Story – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. Imagine a book with pages that go on and on and on, but instead of pages, they’re home runs. That’s The Trevorending Story.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4 and two homers (2, 3). The other day I was wondering if Selena Gomez goes by SelGo. Could someone find out for me? Thanks.
Ryan Raburn – 1-for-1 and his 2nd homer. Member a few years ago Drew Stubbs was on the Rockies, had a top 40 outfielder season and only played half the games? That’s where Raburn is headed.
Tyson Ross – Hit the DL with shoulder inflammation. And…that’s the end of his season. You think I’m joking, but the last pitcher to have shoulder inflammation that didn’t lead to disastrous results was when Don Drysdale got Botox in his shoulder after he went “all Hollywood” and starred in The Brady Bunch. Obviously, you DL Ross if you can, but I don’t have major optimism about shoulder problems with pitchers, especially ones that toss more sliders than a chef at a gastropub.
Yangervis Solarte – Hit the DL with a strained hamstring. Geez, that’s a shame, he’s the Padres 2nd best hitter. They will use Adam Rosales in his place. Fortunately, Rosales is also the Padres 2nd best hitter. It’s a 24-way tie for 2nd place.
Raisel Iglesias – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.31. Through two starts he’s done me better than Archer, Corbin, Pineda, Severino, really, you name it. Iglesias is making me a believer.
Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. The good thing about early-season hot schmotatoes is you own them, and can continue to do so all year if they keep it up. The bad news, you’re more hesitant about dropping an early season schmotato, after falling in love with him.
Tim Melville – 4 IP, 1 ER as he made his first start with the Reds. Melville had to interrupt his writing of a novel about Bartolo Colon.
Jimmy Nelson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Looked decent now through two starts, but it won’t get easier in his next start (@PIT). Then again, his home park is difficult too. Yeah, no walks in the park for Nelson. Then again, he gave up four walks in the park yesterday. Aw, geez, I don’t know. Nap time! *claps hands* I’m back!
Tyler White – 0-for-3 and a home run on Friday and Saturday. I also told you to grab him in Friday’s Buy. Now, I’m saying seriously, grab him.
Dallas Keuchel – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners (6 BBs), 8 Ks. Is he now going for the Mad Magazine Cy Yuck award?
Jose Altuve – 1-for-3 and a slam (1) and legs (4). For the slam and legs, they let Altuve order off the kids’ menu.
Preston Tucker – 1-for-4 and his 2nd home run. Tucker hasn’t been playing every day, so he’s risky in most mixed leagues. Fun fact! A popular pre-transition transgender name is Presto Tucker.
