Cedric The HRtainer

In March, World Famous Orioles Manager Brandon Hyde, lined up all his outfielders to get a lay of the land. “Anthony Santander, run to the fence and back…Trey Mancini, jumping jacks…Mountcastle, solve crimes in the English countryside…D.J. Stewart, play some funky beats…”

Then, one guy stepped forward, “Hey, what do you want from me, skip?”

Hyde stopped and looked this kid up and down, “Listen, if you want a World Famous Orioles Manager Brandon Hyde’s autograph, there are proper channels to go through.”

“Cedric Mullins, coach. I play for you, if you want.”

“World Famous Brandon Hyde doesn’t know you, but likes how you use third person.” And so began Cedric Mullins’s introduction. Yesterday, Cedric Mullins went 3-for-4, with two homers (2, 3), raising his average to .365, as he solidifies himself in the leadoff spot with a .419 OBP. Showing he’s not hitting wall scrappers, each home run was an ‘Okay, boomer’ with the second out to the deepest part of the field, and the first going out to Eutaw Street, the 1st homer of its kind this year. He got Eutaw-of-it. Mullins only has two steals so far, but he’s got 20-steal speed to go with his potential 17+ homer power. World Famous Orioles Manager Brandon Hyde has a ton on his plate managing the Orioles, and his fame, but Cedric Mullins has a left a lasting impression with the Orioles, and should be with you for fantasy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Harvey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 4.26. Why does it feel like it’s the end of the 1980’s again with the Yankees? They need help. How old is Derek Jeter’s kid? As for Harvey, I wouldn’t even use the Streamonator for him. He is persona non-thank you.

Luke Voit – Ramping up baseball activities. Like scratching himself and spitting.

Deivi Garcia – 4 IP, 2 ER as he was called up to take on the O’s, which is a tough assignment for any Yankees starter. Seriously. You’re not buying it, are you? I’m not fully either, but the O’s do have a better record than the Yanks. Any hoo! Deivi aka Shorty Rock aka The Altuve That Pitches aka Can He Use A Phonebook To Pitch Off Of? Honestly, and this might come off rougher than I intend, but if Deivi wasn’t on the Yanks, would anyone be asking to pick him up? Are you picking him up because he weighs a buck-forty-five? He had a 5.40 ERA in Triple-A, and 4.98 ERA last year in the majors with a 8.7 K/9. He’s fine for deep leagues, but I didn’t rush out to even check to see if he’s on waivers in my leagues.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. He’s been so hot schmotatoey with three homers in his last six games. It’s almost like it’s 2000, and he’s doing a debut with Rob Thomas and we’re all feeling Smooth. This blurb was brought to you by Old References dot com. A place for you to feel hip with the unhip.

Brad Keller – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 9.00 vs. Spencer Turnbull – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.27. This matchup was billed as, “Maybe I’ll stream one because I have nothing else to watch in the afternoon, but the Royals vs. the Tigers.” This is the same rationale that has me playing keno while at a Vegas buffet. By the way, the Streamonator hates Turnbull and Keller’s next starts, so buh-bye.

Josh Staumont – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 2nd save, as Greg Holland entered in the 8th. This is either Staumont’s job or it’s a timeshare with Holland, so they’re going Dutch. If it’s Staumont’s job, then he would be the first pitcher made closer when he deserves it, and over the guy who has closer experience but sucks. Truly a landmark day. Though, keep in mind, (insert player’s name) looks locked-in as closer until (insert player’s name) has lost the job in under a week.

Salvador Perez – Left yesterday’s game with thumb discomfort. Don’t worry, even if something’s wrong, the Royals will just put his catcher’s gear and jersey at home plate today, because the Royals are getting their money’s worth on his contract.

Jake Odorizzi – Hit the IL with a pronator muscle strain. Next time he should be more con-nator.

Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “When Debbie asked, ‘Did anyone see the staples?’, and I said, ‘Check Jim’s stomach,’ I wasn’t joking, he stapled his stomach.”

Kyle Lewis – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. It’s the Kyle driver from Mr. Wonderful!

Gavin Lux – 1-for-4, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Technically, if Jim’s stomach is stapled, then what I said wasn’t insensitive but accurate.”

David Price – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. He suffered the injury while wondering what happened to his career.

Amir Garrett – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 14.21. Someone put him out of his misery, and IL him. Please. For him and us poor slobs with him on their fantasy teams. Tejay Antone (3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.66) is lights-out, and Sean Doolittle or Lucas Sims (1 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 6.23) are there, as well. Literally, anyone but Amir Garrett. If I had to guess, Antone stays multi-inning, and Doolittle gets first crack to close, but that could change.

Jesse Winker – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games and fourth homer in five games. Naquin is the opposite of NyQuil. With Naquin there, Winker can get no shut-eye.

Nico Hoerner – 2-for-5 as he hit leadoff. Looking for someone who could be huge value in deeper leagues, who might be available? Look no further. If you’re still reading this, you’re looking further.

Kris Bryant – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. Ya know what’s happening here right? You know right? He’s setting us up to trust him next year when he lays another 12-homer, .210 doozy on us.

Max Fried – Will return next week. Fried at last.

Mike Soroka – Has yet to resume a throwing program. When I say in the preseason, don’t draft any starter with injury concerns, and you ask, “But what if there’s a discount?” Don’t ask that.

Charlie Morton – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.76. And just about the unluckiest pitcher in the majors. Do not cut. If anything, buy low.

Dansby Swanson – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .188. Speaking of buy lows. You really think Swanson is suddenly a .188 hitter? Cmon, guys and five ladies. Put on your big boy or girl pants, and chillax! Also, Freddie Freeman (1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, 6th homer) isn’t a .208 hitter either. Buy low, don’t sell low!

Sean Manaea – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.83. About as economical as a subprime mortgage in early 2008, but Manaea avoided the crash, and Sean Murphy (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) bailed him out.

Lou Trivino – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 3rd save, ERA at 1.29, as Diekman (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.61) worked the 8th. Do they both have to be so good? Can’t one be terrible so I don’t feel bad about dropping one?

Rich Hill – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 7.25. He’s at 22 1/3 IP on the season, and the countdown clock in Times Square is down to 27 2/3 IP.

Shohei Ohtani – 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.29, and 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .300, and one of his hits was a bunt, because he heard pitchers bunt, I guess. Or he just wanted to prove he can do literally everything. “Shohei’s on first with a two-out single, and he talks with first base coach, Shohei, who looks in to manager, Shohei, who gives signs to Shohei, and Shohei does a quick pick-off throw to try to get Shohei napping, but Shohei gets back. Let’s see if Shohei starts Shohei for a hit and run or if Shohei gives Shohei the greenlight–” Oh my God, I can’t even. I have smoke coming out of my ears! Ya know what helps one to stay grounded about Shohei? Being in a blacked-out market so I can never watch him.

Albert Pujols – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Not sure what the Angels are thinking, you have to sign this guy for another ten years.

Justin Upton – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer, hitting .239. This guy gets so smoking schmotato for weeks at a time, then disappears for months. Right now, he’s in one of those weeks instead of months.

Leody Taveras – Optioned to the alternate training site. That’s a massive miss by me. Leody had speed, some power, and the innate ability to miss every pitch. I’ll take the L, but if I ever saw him, I’d hand it right to him.

Nate Lowe – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .267. Seems like Solak, Adolis and Lowe are taking turns being productive. Fine for fantasy, if you give me the order. Is Solak next or Adolis?

Corbin Burnes – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.53. Are you trying to tell me Corbin Burnes isn’t a zero point zero zero ERA pitcher? I was told he was a zero point zero zero ERA pitcher. I’m checking the return policy.

Elieser Hernandez – Throwing from 105 feet. Sounds like someone’s ready for the mound to be moved back.

Trevor Rogers – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.29. One thing the Burnes-Rogers matchup really solidified for me was how incredibly awful the Brewers’ lineup is for average. The Gambino Family had better luck stringing hits together.

Corey Dickerson – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .333 and his 1st homer. Aging outfielder…no power…good average..it’s like…oh my god, Dickakis!

Jazz Chisholm – 2-for-5, 1 run and two steals (5, 6), hitting .279. I lament on this week’s podcast how I should’ve ranked Jazz higher in the preseason, and how much Podcaster Geoff and I love him.

Odubel Herrera – 0-for-3 as he was recalled from the alternate training site. Tells you how well-liked ODB is in Philly that it took the Phils this long to call him up, through three-plus weeks of 1-for-100 centerfield production. I’d be shocked if they don’t let Old Dirty Bastard get at least a few weeks to show what he can do, which is pretty borderline in anything shallower than 15-team mixed leagues, i.e., ODB wasn’t great even before coming out more Bastard than Old or Dirty.

Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-4, and his 7th and 8th homer, hitting .261. Wishing I had some of Rhys’s production like I’m E.T.

Zack Wheeler – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners (3 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 3.13 vs. Adam Wainwright – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.08. You know what’s interesting to me. There’s so much made of rankings. Everyone’s like, “Ooh, ooh, you have this guy above that guy. You’re so dumb!” In the preseason, there’s about 300 or so picks difference between these two pitchers, but now if you started both, were they three hundred picks worth of difference? These guys aren’t the same, don’t get me wrong, but are they that insanely different? Anyway, it was interesting to me, didn’t say it would be interesting to you.

Zach Plesac – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.81. So, I finally watched Plesac. Just looks flat. Not getting swings and misses at all. He’s all over the plate, but not in a good way. A guy with his command, throwing strikes and nothing but strikes is going to get hit if he’s not missing bats. He’s actually hitting too much of the plate, and his O-Swing% is telling me he’s not fooling anyone. He could fix his issues, because if he just needs to not throw as many strikes, you’d think that was doable. I’d try to hold, but I know in shallower leagues, that’s becoming increasingly hard.

Jordan Luplow – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, this one coming off a righty, Alex C’monblowme (0 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 6.75). ACKCHUALLY, Luplow is hitting better against righties, than lefties, so he shouldn’t be platooned, though I’m not sure what I say matters. Oh, no, existential crisis! Luplow should be rostered in most, if not all leagues though.

Byron Buxton – Out with patella tendinitis. Where did he and my Indian friend from high school go? *intern whispers in my ear* It’s not Patella from my high school? Oh, okay. I told you to sell Byron last week. So, yeah.

Brent Rooker – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Elias Sports Bureau said no one by the name Brent has ever been cool. Wow, Elias with some tough stuff.

Andrelton Simmons – 0-for-4 as he returned from the IL, and outer space.

Jose Berrios – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.04, and pulled from the game with only 83 pitches, because Rocco Baldelli forgot how many mound visits took place in the 6th. It’s right in his name! Just put a deli number counter in the dugout, call it The Baldelli and make him take a number each time he wants to go on the field.

Anthony DeSclafani – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.50. Can I give you all my Luis Castillos for all your DeSclafanis? Asking for my sanity.

Mike Yastrzemski – Minor oblique strain, but won’t be placed on the IL with hopes to return in five to six (weeks) days. We shall seeski.

Austin Gomber – 1 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 6.65. “Welcome back to the Fantasy Baseball True Crime Hour. Hey, before we start, just know this episode contains descriptions of violence done to fantasy team’s ratios. Thanks, and enjoy the show.” *spooky theme music, creepy voice comes on* “It was Sunday night, and you were preparing your fantasy teams for the new week when you saw Austin Gomber was a two-start starter…” A crack of the bat that sounds like thunder, then a man in the basement of his mother’s house screams, “Gomber murdered my ERA and WHIP!”