Immortality smells of Chucky Cheese because that’s what Carlos Rodon was throwing last night. *wavy lines* Chyron: A Few Days Ago. “Skip, I don’t think I can go. I mean, I can go…But not like that.” It was Tuesday, and Carlos Rodon had an upset stomach, unable to pitch, but what he was really doing, what no one knew at the time, he was getting out all the runs he had in him. *wavy lines* Chyron: Present Time, uh, Yesterday. Early in the game, Rodon was working a slider, but not darting it hard and high and past people. The Clevelanders were making contact. Struggling, weak contact, but it was there. Then, as the game progressed, Rodon began to get as loose as the buttons on his jersey, and the high Chucky Cheese began to whip past hitters. He was feeling it. By the end of the 8th, a perfect game within his grasp. Strikeouts began to pile up, and 98 MPH Chucky Cheese hitting the upper quadrant of the zone. One out in the ninth on a close play at first, then Roberto Perez dug his left foot in, but he dug it in too much! An offspeed pitch in the dirt hit him. How is it not in the unwritten rules rulebook for Perfect Games that a guy can be hit in the 9th to break one up? So, Rodon’s final line: 9 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at zero, and give him the AL Cy and let’s stop playing games. He’s always struggled with command in previous years, and I don’t think we can say those problems are completely in the rearview, but you never know when a guy turns the corner. The stuff, as they say, is there, so, yes, I’d pick him up in all leagues just to see if this isn’t a complete fluke. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dylan Cease – Hit the Covid IL, though didn’t test positive for Covid. “Welcome back to The Not-Really Epidemiologists! On last week’s episode, Dr. Bruce woke up with a bad hangover and Covid symptoms. Let’s pick up the action here….” “I have Covid.” “You do?” “Yes, or a headache.”
Yermin Mercedes – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .500. Home run appeared to be a 500-foot ding dong like you see in the unpixelated King Kong vs. Godzilla movies, but Statcast measured it at, like, 415 feet. Feet-schmeet, I’m having major Mercedes, which is the German word for envy.
Zach Plesac – 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.27. Surprised Dan Plesac didn’t call in sick last night for MLB Tonight. Like when Harold Reynolds found out all the female interns were on vacation.
“What’s up cats and dogs? Your boy Zach is super bummed to report to you it was a short night, but more time to catch up with some of the crew, grab some pineapple pizza and hit the hotel jacooz. Keep flippin the bird at the haters. Plesac out.” pic.twitter.com/65ntO7wpTT
— Razzball (@Razzball) April 15, 2021
Julian Merryweather – Hit the IL with a strained oblique. Man, I wish MLB never invented the oblique during the spring of 2010. Could’ve avoided so many injuries. As I explained yesterday, there’s the Pepper Mill Dance, and the Waiter At The Table Grating Cheese Dance, I’m doing the latter, calling on Jordan Romano.
Ross Stripling – Out with forearm tightness. If only the Jays had someone else, say, a Pearson of interest.
Bo Bichette – 3-for-5, and a double slam (3, 4) and legs (2), as he hits .327. Okay, enough tiddlywinking on the hoo-ha, it’s business time. Pull up your WeWork desk, wear your ironic t-shirt, and let’s shoot the shizz, Chippy Choop! Boba Chette is gonna be a top five overall pick next year, isn’t he? If you had to guess, Boba or FTJ in 2022? If you’re saying Tatis, I appreciate your optimism. I wish I were as optimistic. Bo Bichette is going to go 25/30/.310 and people are not going to deny that he is the second coming of what the absolute best case scenario was for Treat Urner’s power and Tatis’s speed. Or maybe he’s simply Dante’s first coming. Um, what? *slowly tiptoes out of room, slowly tiptoes into room filled with Moms Against Double Entendres* Hey, I didn’t hire any MADEs. *dodges tomato*
Alejandro Kirk – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Live long and Alejandro.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-4 and his 3rd and 4th homer. He puts a charge into each ball like he puts a charge into each hospital bill for every MRI on his oblique.
Corey Kluber – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.10. I wasn’t being facetious when I said in the preseason I wouldn’t draft Kluber in any league. I see his ownership % way above zero, and I don’t get it. He hasn’t shown anything in years.
Lorenzo Cain – Hit the IL with old. Cards’ reliever Daniel Ponce De Leon is working on a cure.
Corbin Burnes – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 0.49. He is the first pitcher since 1906 to start the year with 30 Ks and zero walks. That seems good. Jacob deGrom or Corbin Burnes in 2022? Right, right, how about deGrom or Burnes for this year? Okay, bit early for that, but the convo doesn’t seem farfetched. Burnes is a smoke show and owning Burnes is like watching a Victoria’s Secret fashion show when you’re 13.
David Peterson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 6.30. Was watching Michael Fulmer, so have no idea how Peterson “looked” but his line “looks” great. Peterson did have a 3.44 ERA, 1.21 WHIP in 49 2/3 IP last year, so this preseason might’ve been a case where people weren’t buying in this year because the underlying stats aren’t great. Here’s the thing, I don’t have any leagues where we count “underlying” stats, so I’d give Peterson a shot, but his next game is in Coors, so bleh.
James McCann – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. That’s one up, McCann!
Max Fried – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain, that happened when he was hustling between 1st and “why are pitchers running the bases.” In an NL-Only league, I have Kyle Wright stashed, and grabbed Bryse Wilson.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer, hitting .447. Tildaddy says you can have some of his mint chocolate chip!
Jazz Chisholm – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (3). The power/speed combo with Jazz, it feels so…improvisational.
Kohei Arihara – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.07. Has now given out one free pass in 14 2/3 IP, while recording seven punch outs. So far he’s thrown six pitches, averaging 92 MPH on the fastball, and relying primarily on his slider, though a cutter and change are worked in a fair amount. Feels to me right now like an on-the-safer side fifth fantasy starter with little upside, which puts him in the Streamonator camp. That’s an update on Kohei, kapeesh?
Adolis Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, and a triple, because he was thrown out at home on an inside-the-park home run attempt after replay review, which brings me to my point. The Texas Rangers might play a whole year without one positive highlight.
Nate Lowe – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Also, in this game, Brandon Lowe (1-for-4) homered. It’s the Lowe’s bringing the wood and nailing it! Also, quality outdoor furniture.
Alex Bregman – Hit the IL with Yordan Alvarez, Jose Altuve, Martin Maldonando and Robel Garcia. Was there a trash can trade show in town?
Lance McCullers – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.27. Rough start for McCullers at home vs Detroit. Guess Altuve, Bregman, and Yordan weren’t the only ones exposed this week.
Michael Fulmer – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.00. He’s just not stretched out yet. He looked excellent for the first four innings, then gave up a bizzomb to Jason Castro in the 5th because he was gassed. I grabbed him in my RCL and have him in deeper leagues. Never liked Fulmer before, but his velocity is way up, and he could be a shallow mixed league viable starter.
Bryan Garcia – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.40, and Gregory Soto threw the 8th, so, yeah, who’s the closer, A.J. Hinch, you giant dummy! Oh, and Ciserno started the 9th, but retired no one, so, yeah, maybe we’re the dummies? I don’t know. My guess is it’s still Soto, but a timeshare with Garcia, is prolly more accurate.
Griffin Canning – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.23. I’ll be honest, have nothing to say on this start. I like Canning; he’s just started slow. All I can think about is when Canning matches up with Dunning, and I gerund puns into a fine dust and sprinkle them on your brain.
Michael A. Taylor – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 1st steal, hitting .324. Don’t have him on any teams, so I’m not riding the highs and lows each day of A. Taylor, but from the comments, it seems like people are done with him. Okay, not sure how much more he could do. This is literally his peak. If you want to drop him now, how did you ever come to acquire him? You thought he was a .400 hitter? Y’all mushy in the head?
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Catchers account for 75% of all homers this year. I don’t know for fact, but I know it’s true.
Johnny Cueto – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.80, but left the game abruptly, like he was Jason LaRue taking a kick to the head. It’s said to be lat tightness, and it didn’t look serious, for what my medical opinion is worth which is nothing.
Alex Wood – Returns this Saturday. Same. Cougs knows what I’m saying! Rawr! Uh, anyway, Logan Webb heads to the bullpen. Supposably for a bit, but with Cueto’s injury this might be moot.
Tyler Mahle – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.93. I won’t insult your intelligence by linking to my Tyler Mahle sleeper. Psyche!
Jon Gray – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.87. Actually, tried to stream Gray in a few leagues vs. the Dodgers, which sounds legit nuts to even me as I type it out. Yo, Grey, you dumb or nah?
Zach McKinstry – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. He ties Justin Turner (2-for-4, 2 RBIs), who also homered, for the team lead with three homers and 11 RBIs. Ya know, just as everyone assumed coming into the year. Justin Turner had 521 career plate appearances in March/April coming into this year, and only five homers. So, yes, very predictable.
Joe Musgrove – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 0.47. Johnny Vander Meer’s family wheeled his casket to the game only to see Musgrove fall short of back-to-back no hitters.
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-2, 2 runs and slam (1) and legs (1). Polanco is the Pirates’ fetch, only they’ve been trying to make it happen for five years.
Yadier Molina – 1-for-4 as he caught his 2,000th game for the Cards. On this occasion, I’m reminded of people thinking Carson Kelly would replace Yadier. Haha, yeah, and good luck to Andrew Knizner. It’s gonna be 2096, and the head of Adam Wainwright in formaldehyde (5 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 7.11) will be throwing to an arepa that was made with Yadi’s ashes, and batting for the opposing team will be a robot wearing a Ryan Zimmerman (1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer) jersey. By the way, Ryan Zimmerman is batting third for the Nats. How long did that Treat Urner (2-for-4, 1 runs, 1 RBI) experiment last again?
Joe Ross – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, and has started the season with 11 shutout innings. At best a Streamonator call in mixed leagues, at worst, a call to his brother Tyson, to hear about how their mother had her Facebook account hacked again. “I didn’t click on any link,” said everyone’s mom.
Alex Verdugo – 5-for-8, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .273. Everything has been coming up doodie from morning turd to evening turtle head. Please let Verdugo break out.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Ed-Rod with his second dubya, one more and he’s got himself a URL.
Nathan Eovaldi – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.08. Yeah, Cousin Sweatpants, I love him. But onto a real question, did MLB change what classifies a Quality Start in 7-inning games? Did fantasy leagues that use them? Please inform me for once!
Jose Berrios – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.38. Why does it feel like my belief in Berrios is more than his belief in himself? He was absolutely cruising through four innings, then shizz completely, utterly fell apart so fast I couldn’t even watch. It’s bad when I need to turn off a game.
Andrelton Simmons – Hit the Covid IL. He overestimated his defense.
