Braves Ride Schwellenbach To Win Column

Spencer Schwellenbach was brilliant Friday night notching his first win of 2025 going eight innings allowing just two hits and striking out 10 Marlins! His back MUST be swelling after carrying his team like that! I say carry like the Braves didn’t score 10 runs with 16 hits. Still! Spencer has been one of the lone bright spots early of Los Bravos rough start to 2025, and a performance like he delivered Friday is a real momentum shifter for a clubhouse that was probably real down bad crying at the gym. Spencer is now rocking a 0.00 ERA, 0.29 WHIP and 14/1 K/BB through 14 innings, and the advanced metrics (n3rd!) are just as sweet, 0.35 FIP and 0.76 xFIP. His called swinging strike rate is an elite 39%, along with his 40% whiff percentage. I’m no mathematist, Mr. N3rd–can you tell me what does all this mean!? It means he’s striking out everyone, and those few that are making contact (0.68 BAA) are making weak little dribbly baby boi contact. Basically, he’s been untouchable. Yessir! I got goosies from that one. Let’s see some more, shall we? Aaand of course, the cheese! Where do the Braves keep getting these guys!? Not only is he not even the Ace (that’s Chris Sale, I guess), he’s not even the most popular Spencer on the team, that’s Spencer Strider (who by the way struck out eight in 5.1 shutout innings in his rehab start Friday). Yes, we could be in line for twin Spencers flamethrowing back-to-back days as soon as next week. Is the league even ready for that? Am I? How does one choose a favorite? Perhaps Atlanta has an island in the Outer Banks where they breed and Spencer’s to be top-line starters, like they did with the Chinese 7-footers. Regardless, congrats to you for owning him or drafting him, you must be really smart and you should be in for a fun season. Let the Cy Young campaign begin!

Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:

Matt Olson – 2-for-5, 2 runs, HR (1), 3 RBI. ALLAHSON! We have arrived at the Mecca, and it’s Spencer Schwellenbach and Spencer Strider’s shared two bedroom condo. It’s glorious and it smells like fresh Totinos! Olson is coming off a 2024 where he had his lowest HardHit% to date, but it’s moonshots like this (114 mph EV) that make you think there’s hope for Matt to return to his 2023 form when he hit 50 dongs. Don’t get me wrong, a 2024 Allahson is still a 30/90 hitter and that plays everywhere, but you know what’s cooler than 30/90, Sean Parker? 50/120! I prefer the second one!

Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-5, 3 runs, HR (1), 3 RBI. Went back-2-back with Matt Olson but Ozuna was first, as the Braves slump busted in a big way. OZUNA do not slump long. OZUNA show Matt Allahson what to do after OZUNA. Remember that? Did we stop doing that before or after his domestic violence incident?

Max Meyer – 6.0 IP, 8 hits, 3 ER, 2 BB, 8 K, L. My bologna has a first name, it’s M-A-X and I’m sorry for calling you bologna this dude is anything but, he’s the real deal capicola! He notched the quality start along with a career high eight strikeouts. The improved velocity has been a game changer, and the slider is unhittable. Braves were having a coming home party breakout and Max ran into the buzz saw but Meyer is worth an add wherever he’s available.

Jack Flaherty – 5.2 IP, 3 hits, ER, 2 BB, 7 K, 1st win. Flaherty has now faced the Dodgers and the White Sox. It doesn’t get more different ends of the spectrum-y than that. He handled himself in both starts but this must have been cake after last week’s gauntlet.

Kerry Carpenter – 2-for-5, 2 HR (2). Carpenter’s swing is Short and Sweet like his cousin Sabrina with less pink. KC becomes the first Tiger with twin tanks on opening day since Prince Fielder. Please Please Please keep it up, Kerry!

Riley Greene – 3-for-5, HR (3). It ain’t easy being green, unless, that is, you’re Riley Greene and you’ve got three bombs in your past four games including this little ditty Friday. He’s slugging .750 and I think this kid might be actually pretty good, really, I guess. 115 mph off the bat! Goodbye baseball. That’s a 420 footer, blaze it!

Walker Buehler – 5.0 IP, 7 hits, 5 ER, BB, 4 K. You call yourself Walker but all I see are earned runs.

Alex Bregman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, RBI. So Breggers looked custom built for Fenway Park’s dimensions just as many predicted. What do you want? A Fenway frank? Hopefully you get to own Alex Bregman, that should be plenty satisfying.

Rafael Devers – 2-for-3, 2 BB. I guess he’s not washed?

Wilyer Abreu – 3-for-5, 3 runs, HR (3), 2 RBI. Went back-2-back in the first with Trevor Story, who was 2-for-5 with his second home run and 3 RBI. That’s pretty cool, Trev, but this Story aka blurb is about Wilyer or Won’tyer who leads the league in on base percentage and batting average! Sweet sassy molassy! I think I said this last week, it’s hard to remember with all the lorazepam I’m popping, but this Sawx team is full of exciting young prospects and shiny new free agents acquisitions a guy like Wilyer gets lost in the shuffle even with a .611 OBP and 1.000 SLG%. The concern was he’s sitting against most lefties but that hasn’t always been the case through eight games this year. Manager Cora, at the very least has let Wilyer remain in the game to face lefties, which led to his go-ahead bomb on opening day (Good call, AC!). I’m not a baseball scientist but when you watch those tanks fly it’s hard to think he’s just schmotatoting either. The exit velo remains consistently high on everything he hits. My dude is mashing. The power is real and it’s spectacular, Jerry! Wilyer add him everywhere already!

Ivan Herrera – 1-for-5, HR (4), 3 RBI. Grey told you to BUY Ivan HRHRHRera and only Aaron Judge has a higher slugging percentage. Whoever that is!

Brendan Donovan – 3-for-5, HR (2), 3 RBI. I like my outfielders a little sexier than Bren-Dono. Not saying that Donovan isn’t sexy. The long hair is working for him don’t get me wrong. I just like a 30 homer upside versus a 25 home upside that’s all. That’s MY TYPE!

Shota Imanaga – 7.1 IP, 4 hits, ER, 4 K, 2nd win. I am ashamed, SHAME!, I tells you, that I was hesitant Imanaga could repeat last years success but his 0.98 ERA through three starts proves otherwise. The command is just, *pinched fingers, chefs kiss* No one does it better. He’s an Ace with a capital ShotA. “Shota! Shota! Shota! Shota! Shota! Shota!” That’s Lil Jon at the Cubs game. You don’t need to throw 100 mph when you can place the ball wherever you want. Also, is it me or are the Cubs kind of a wagon, ya’ll?

Ryan Pressly – 1.0 IP 1 hit, BB, K, SV (3). He’s been shakier than a Parkinson’s clinic but he’s got three saves so I don’t really care.

Tylor Megill – 5.1 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER, 3 BB, 4 K, 2nd win. Another Friday, another win for Tylor with an O. The O is for, “Oh, I didn’t know he could do that.” His ratios are now both sub-1 and he should get a juicy matchup with the Marlins next week. I could see considering the prospect of maybe thinking about mulling over the possibility of contemplating whether or not I should review the option of potentially picking him up. I still don’t know for sure though!

Kevin Gausman – 5.1 IP, 2 hits, 3 ER, 2 BB, 0 K, L. ZERO Ks! That’s a dagger, KG. I expressed my concern with Gausman last week, and while this hasn’t necessarily alleviated my concerns he did only give up three hits against a scary Mets line up, unfortunately, one of the hits was a three run bomb.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-3, 2 runs, HR (3), 2 RBI. Albombso! All he needed was a little Juan Soto protection. It worked for Aaron Judge! Whoever that is!

Hunter Goodman – 0-for-5, K. BUY. He’s now 0-for-7 since I added him. I’m sorry I ruined it for everyone.

Seth Halvorsen – 2.0 IP, 1 hit, 2 K. Dude throws gasssss. No that’s not a grainy video, that’s actual snow. Gots to love opening day at Coors. Seth is quickly becoming the most valuable player in the Rockies clubhouse and while the Colorado closer gig isn’t glamorous, after impressing at the end of 2024 he’s primed to really turn some heads this year. Add him before I do.

Jacob Wilson – 2-for-5, HR (2), 3 RBI. BUY. He could hit .320, nobody is questioning the contact skillz are there, and he has yet to strike out. It’s the bombs, like this one, that will make or break how valuable a fantasy player he can be. He’s not hitting baseballs as hard as we’d like to see but in parks like Coors and Sacramende it might not matter.

Aaron Judge – 1-for-5, HR (6), 2 RBI, SB (2). Another gavel jack. Sustained! First player with 6 homers and 17 RBI through his first 7 games. It was also his 1000th game and he has 40 more home run than any other players through their first 1000 games. Hmm, how do I blame torpedo bats for this?

Max Fried – 5.2 IP, 6 hits, ER, 6 K, 1st win. The 16 base runners through 10.1 innings is a little concerning but I’m going to blame this on the torpedo bats as well.

Ben Rice – 1-for-4, run, 2 BB, SB (2). Manager Boone seems to have a new lead off hitter every day but if Rice were to stick (he’s led off the past two games) watch out. He’s hit safely in all but one of his starts this year and stolen a base in both games where he’d lead off. Sounds to me like sticky Rice should stay put! Throw some eel sauce on there and LFG.

Anthony Volpe – 3-for-4, 2 runs, RBI. OK, this one I can definitely blame on the torpedo bats.

Julio Rodriguez – 3-for-6, 3 runs, HR (2), SB (3). Juul-Rod ripping the fattest vape clouds! The oppo-fieldo-shoto. If you’re concerned with Julio’s slow start, just know he didn’t hit his second home run last year until May. He would have had an even better game if he wasn’t robbed by Willy Adames. Methinks big things in store for J-Rod in 2025.

Jorge Polanco – 3-for-5, HR (2), 4 RBI. Apparently the Mariners have other hitters not named Julio Rodriguez.

Willy Adames – 3-for-7, run, 3 RBI, SB (1). Willy had quite the debut in front of his new home crowd at Oracle park. I showed you his spectacular catch, but he also hit the game winning single in the 11th inning. They say shortstops are Adames a dozen, but Willy is one a kind.

Matt Chapman – 2-for-4, HR (2). Absolutely mashed, like bangers, he’s a good Chap, man. I hope you read that in a Bri’ish accent. I’m bloody chuffed to bits!

Heliot Ramos – 3-for-5, run, RBI, SB (2). Bat out of Heliot! Giants had 17 hits in this one including three from Ramos. Remember when I told you to buy him last spring? How long do I get to keep mentioning that? At least a little bit longer I’d hope.

Luis F. Castillo – 3.0 IP, 6 hits, 3 ER, 2 BB, 2 K. The F is to pay your respects.

Justin Verlander – 2.1 IP, 5 hits, 3 ER, 2 BB, 2 K. Unlike last week versus the Reds, JV looked Varsity in this one, ie 0ld.

Brandon Pfaadt – 6.0 IP, 6 hits, 4 ER, 4 K, 3 HR, 1st win. I’m not as high on Pfaadt as some, the four home runs allowed is a bit cringe as the kids might say, but one walk through 12 innings certainly gets him some big Pfaadt aura points.

Justin Martinez – 1.0 IP, 1 hit, K, SV (1). JuMa is your closer, anyone who suggests otherwise might make me AJ Puk.

CJ Abrams – 2-for-4, HR (3). Corange Juice is good about providing his owners with plenty of Vitamin C. As in see ya later, baseball!

Nathaniel Lowe – 1-for-4, 2 runs, HR (3). Nathaniel Lowe seems like a boring option, he literally changed his name from Nate to Nathaniel, who does that? But his power numbers so far have been anything but boring. Searching for highlights, I came across the rumor that he’d dated Margot Robbie and now I regret ever calling him boring. That’s Barbie. MVP season incoming?

Corbin Carroll – 2-for-4, 2 HR (3), 3 RBI. That’s 110 mph off the bat, bruh. In the future, CC me on any additional ding dongs that you believe could be leaving the yard. I’d like to review them all. Where them steals at though!?

Jesus Luzardo – 7.0 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER, 2 BB, 8 K, 2nd win.  Jesus, Jesus Luzardo! Praise him! Striking out 11 Nats (ELEVEN) is chill and all but dominating the Dodgers like this is some next level sigma rizz. How many booms is that? At least four booms! Watch him strike out Brotani with this filthy change. The 19/4 K/BB makes me Gaga, rama-oo-na-na. So the Dodgers aren’t going to go 162-0 as long as J-Luz is a thing. I think 115 wins is still fairly in reach. Regardless, Jesus is looking like a major draft day steal. And good on the Phillies for robbing the Marlins like that. You can’t teach a fish to fish but you can take their bait.

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 6.0 IP, 3 hits, 0 ER, 3 BB, 5 K. This dude’s going to be one of the best pitchers in the league this year. I should have expected nothing less from Mario’s most trusted steed.

Jordan Romano – 1.0 IP, 1 hit, 2 ER, 2 BB, 2 K, SV (1). Jordan of the Pecorino Romano family is a good paisan, but this has got to stop. This cheese stinks and not in a good way. I don’t have the heart for this, too much gabagools. Here’s what Grey said, “Here’s what I said this morning, “I don’t know what Rob Thomson is doing. I don’t know what Rob Thomas is doing either. I have zero knowledge of Robs! My brain’s been Rob’d! My guess is Alvarado is in the lead for saves, but maybe just at 70/30. It could be Romano for the next save though. All of this will be repeated this afternoon in my Buy column. You can hardly wait! No, you!” And that’s me quoting me telling you what to expect!” And that’s me quoting Grey quoting himself! We’re incepted like that!

Tommy Edman – 1-for-4, HR (5). Holy shnikes, Tommy Boy! Five homers is that for real? That’s good for second in baseball and first on the team. I can easily name five players on the Dodgers who make a lot more money than Edman.

Trevor Megill – 1.0 IP, 1 hit, K, SV (1). I get to mention both Megills in the same post! I warned you about this! I’m already confused.

Tyler Alexander – 5.2 IP, 0 hits, 0 ER, 3 BB, 6K, 1st win. Tyler was more than serviceable in his spot start and actually looked kind of good? The Brewers need starting pitching help right now and we could very well see Alexander get another turn. You could do worse!

Seth Lugo – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, BB, 2 K, 1st win. This guy barely throws mid-90s, but damn if he doesn’t make it work! Honestly, Verlander and Scherzer should take notes from this guy. How to pitch in baseball when you’re not Paul Skenes. Speaking of Skenes (I had to shoe him in somehow), how about that GQ photoshoot? Weird right!? It’s giving, mafia couple, but in the most WASPy way imaginable. Keep being you, PS!

Maikel Garcia – 2-for-4, 3 RBI, SB (1). I think we were all upset he hasn’t led off but he has hit safely in every game he’s played. Don’t worry, in due time Jonathan India will disappoint and that’s when Garcia rises back up!

Heston Kjerstad – 2-for-3, run, RBI. BUY. I prefer the Netherlands islands of the Caribbean because they’re a little nicer to me on vacation about my Crocs and Croc accessories than the French. I also prefer Kjerstad over Oneill or Cowser or didn’t they have Jiminez? Laureano? Well, he’s now hit safely in all three games since replacing Cowser full time and we’re just waiting on that juicy delicious power we’ve all heard so much about. Add him before the power surge and you’ll look way cooler in the discord chat.

Gunnar Henderson – 1-for-4 as he returned from the IL. Washed?

Josh Smith – 2-for-3, HR (1). BUY. Didn’t he used to be Josh H. Smith? What happened to the H? Too Jesus H. Christ-y? Did the other Josh Smith leave giving this Josh free range to drop the initial? I need answers!

Luke Jackson – 1.0 IP, 2 K, SV (4). BUY. Leads the MLB in saves and has been more or less perfect since his opening day blowup. So I think it’s pretty safe to say at this point Luke is Chosen One. Closing is his destiny according to Darth Bochy. You can probably lose Chris Martin now. He’s all yellow.

Tyler Mahle – 5.0 IP, 1 hit, 0 ER, 2 BB, 5 K, 1st win. That’s a hot T. Mahle! Spicy Ks. Do I trust him? Not exactly. But he did strike out like 200 in a season like five years ago. I’ll be watching him closer than the White Lotus finale. Ugh, why did I choose to watch this show with my brother? Awk.

Mike Trout – 1-for-4, 2 runs, HR (2). Cattafish! Remember that? Me neither! Regardless, that’s an oppo-fieldo-shoto and another name to watch. This guy could be really something someday!

Logan O’Hoppe – 2-for-4, HR (3). The Angels are still a contender as long as they have O’Hoppe!

Kyren Paris – 2-for-2, run. BUY. Sacre bleu! Oui Paris could get a serious chance at some PT if Rengifo is set to miss any time. He’s hotter than a French baguette right now.

Gavin Williams – 3.0 IP, 5 hits, 2 ER, 3 BB, 5 K. I don’t get the hype around Williams just yet. He needs to be Gavin me something, but he’s Gavin me nothing so far. I stole that joke from Grey!

Emmanuel Clase – 1.0 IP, 3 hits, 2 ER, K. SELL. It wasn’t really a save chance so we’ll give him the pass but it appears he’s carried his postseason struggles into 2025 which is not what you want from the closer you drafted as high as you did. He’s not going to lose his job or anything but Clase Closed is more ambiguous than Karen Read’s trial. Justice for the Waterfall Bar & Grille!

Jose Soriano – 5.1 IP, 5 hits, 5 ER, 3 BB, 9 K. Another guy I’m not quite as enamored with as the rest of the fantasy baseballing community. I fear he’s not my type, as the TikTok girlies might say. The nine strikeouts was a career high and I do like that an awful lot, with 17 swings and misses. He also gets the Rays next week and a REALLY like that. Did I just talk myself into Jose Soriano? I think I did!

Jose Ramirez – 3-for-4, 3 HR (4), 4 RBI. That’sa JoRam-a-lama-ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong! That’s three dongs, folks, including this absolute shot in the ninth that padded the Guards lead even further. Is he the most underrated player in sports? Can I even get through a JoeRam blurb without mentioning he’s underrated? I don’t think I can, his underration is too powerful. Is it because he took a massive pay cut to stay in Cleveland he’s just doomed to be buried there for the rest of his career? He’s been top five in MVP voting five times over the past decade and was just one home run away from a 40/40 season last year. Still, it’d be more surprising if Judge or Ohtani DIDN’T win MVP than if JoRam did. Well, I’m starting the campaign for Jose Ramirez’s first MVP in 13 seasons today! He’s off to one of the best starts of his career hitting .381, slugging 1.048 with four homers and six RBI. Make it happen, MLB! We might have to do something about this Judge character though. Someone give JoRam a torpedo bat!

Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts, or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!