Who loves irony? Did you just answer your mom? I said irony, not ironing. As the British will tell you, irony is not a well-pressed shirt. Though, now that I think about it, if I had a well-pressed shirt, and I said, “This thing is real irony,” I wouldn’t be wrong because I was saying it. Any hoo! The irony I speak of is Alex Gordon hitting the major leagues’ record 5,694th home run on the year, while there was less offense around the league last night than I could remember in some time. Granted, from around September 11th to 14th is a bit of a blur. A true highlight (building shizz up now!) was Kevin Gausman and his dismantling of the Sawx (really overselling) with the line 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.61. This year, like a case of lice, Gausman is a real head scratcher. Looking at his perfs (kids say this; think it’s short for perfumes), Gausman is having a garbage year. Velocity is there, so doubt it’s a hidden injury. The walks are way up, Ks are down, and the culprit appears to be his fastball. Went from a near-10 in pitch value on his speed ball to a negative. FS shouldn’t abbreviate fastball, it should be for “F**k’s sake.” The good news is this sounds like a mechanics problem, and might’ve been fixed already. Thanks, Pep Boys! His 1st half vs. 2nd half: 5.85 ERA vs. 3.44; 7.7 K/9 vs. 9.6 K/9; 4 BB/9 vs. 3.2. Yeah, sadly enough, it’s going to be hard to avoid him in 2018 again. Now, that’s real irony (no, it’s not). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Dee Gordon went 4-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and stole his 55th base. Mean’s while, his teammate and my crush-bae, Giancarlo Stanton went 2-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and hit his 55th homer. According to Elias Sports Bureau, the last time two teammates hit their 55th homer and stole their 55th base in the same game was Jimmie Foxx and Sugar Cain in 1932. Though, historians, led by Ken Burns, have said Sugar Cain played on a doctor’s prescribed cocaine named Hurry Coke, a precursor to Cherry Cola. Sugar used to bunt with one hand while rubbing his gums with his other hand. Any hoo! Dee Gordon is carrying my NFBC team in steals, where I’m in first, and SAGNOF, and all of that, but steals are pathetic this year, as they were last year. 25 players have 20 or more steals, after 28 last year, but with a few players at 19 steals, we should get to 28 players again. However, 14 guys stole 30 bags last year, and, this year, we’re at six players. I will now laugh hysterically to avoid crying. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, on the last day of his H2H playoffs, Flavor Flav’s fantasy baseball team, “Yeah Boyd!!!” had a day to remember. Fun fact! Flavor Flav also plays fantasy baeball, drafting Hoopz, New York and Pumkin in the first round was the way to go, so surprising to see him take Brandi, who wasn’t even in Flavor of Love but on Rock of Love. Rookie mistake! Or maybe I should say roofie mistake. So, yesterday, Matt Boyd went 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.33, losing his no-hitter with two outs in the 9th inning. He throws a handful of pitches, literally. Five in total: fastball (92 MPH), cutter, slider (slutter?), change and curve. His arsenal is nothing to boot (footy pun!). Of course, five pitches that are all garbage isn’t exactly the meow’s cat. As of yesterday, only his curve was a plus pitch. He is only 26 years old, so maybe a 5.00 xFIP doesn’t give the whole picture/pitcher (stutterer!). Of course, at this time of the year, only his next start matters, and the Stream-o-Nator actually has it as the smallest of positives. So, you got it, Flav, “Yeah, Boyd!!!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
What’s in a name? I believe a lot. I come from the new age school of thought that if you name your kid, Quimby, his first words will be, “Err-ah.” Name your kid, Grey Albright, he’ll be pessimistic but wildly intelligent, shining light on the darkest corners of the fantasy globe. Name your kid, Tim Anderson, and *stretches* Sorry, I fell asleep, who were we talking about? Oh, Tim Anderson, right. *bumps head on desk* Sorry, just dozed off again. Who were we talking– *sees Tim Anderson’s name, falls off chair, curls into fetal position* Nighty-night time. Rename Tim Anderson, to Giancarlo Anderson, and you want his babies, assuming he wants you to have his babies. It’s important to get consent first, I learned this the hard way with the other Giancarlo. So, I’m going to go a little crazy about Anderson this offseason, but this post is just about what he can do over the next two weeks. That would be best informed by what he’s done over the last week: a home run, four steals and hitting near-.400. As the poet in me wants to say, time is nil, make Tim nigh. Okay, I’m going back to calling him Giancarlo Anderson. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Can you name the top five in the AL for batting average? I’m talking those qualified. The person who said Erik Kratz for being 1-for-1 on the year is unqualified to answer. By the way, if you’ve taken too many quaaludes to answer, does that mean you’re unquaaludified? I pose this question to you while sprawled on a tiger-skin carpet like Burt Reynolds in a centerfold for Cosmopolitan. “Loni, feed me grapes, would you doll face?” Totally making current references right now. The top 5: Altuve, Avisail Garcia, Hosmer, Reddick and Jose Ramirez. Yo, batting average leaders nowadays are weird. There’s only ten guys in the league over .300, and two of them are Joe Mauer and Lorenzo Cain. Yesterday, Avisail went 5-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs and his 17th homer, as he hits .333. Let me be the first to tell you, he has not really broken out like your teenaged face. He’s hitting 52% ground balls, a .397 BABIP (!), not even top 70 for Hard Contact percentage, a high HR/FB% for him and still only has 17 homers. There’s very little to point to that he’s breaking out, and not just getting crazy lucky. Now watch him win the batting title and go full Terry Pendleton. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Matt Olson went 1-for-2, 2 RBIs with his 18th homer, hitting .273, all in only 49 games, and seven homers in his last ten games. Dizzamn, who is he the American League’s Rhysus? I’d call him Olsonus, but that sounds stupid. We’re ridin’ the Ols-mobile? That’s better (not)! Like me after Taco Bell, he is Olplosive (much worse!). I hear the train a comin’ rollin’ round the bend! I ain’t seen the sunshine since I don’t know when! Well I’m stuck with Matt Olson and time keeps dragging on! While a train keeps a rollin’ like Olson to San Antone! Well when I was just a baby my mama told me Olson, Olson, OLSON! Always be a good boy don’t ever play with guns (flexes, showing gun show). Well I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die, not OLSON! When I hear that whistle blowin’ I hang my head and I cry because I don’t have OLSON! Whew, that was exhausting. So, obviously, if you need power, you should grab Olsonus, and ride the Ols-mobile. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
So, where does Mookie Betts go in 2018? That’s what we all want to know, right? That and WHAT TIME IS IT?! Sorry, was listening to Steppin’ To The A.M. I was not listening to Time to Get Ill, however, because I don’t like the Beastie Boys, but it might be more appropriate with The Bettsie Boy, Mookie. Home run distance is a weird thing. Well, maybe not weird, but hard to trust. Yeah, that’s the ticket, said like that Jon Lovitz character. In hindsight, it’s obvious. Mookie had so many Just Enough home runs last year, of course, he’s not hitting as many this year, but I thought there would be enough mitigating factors to lessen Betts’ drop off. He’s young — power still peaking; he’s in a good park — Pesky/Wall; the lineup — oh, that lineup. Didn’t play out that way for power and average. His average is nearly fifty points off of last year, and his power will end likely down about five homers from last year. Not huge? Well, that is around a 15% drop — even after his big game yesterday of 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 20th and 21st homer. So, what does all this mean for next year? I think he’s going to be undervalued, and I expect a bounce back of sorts. Likely closer to a 27-homer guy than his 30+ last year, but there’s no way he hits near-.265 as he is right now. He’s hitting as many line drives as last year, hitting the ball harder, in general, and a .267 BABIP. He’s gotta be one of the unluckiest hitters this year. He’s basically hitting line drives up the middle, but a squirrel is knocking it down into a fielder’s glove. Maybe he’s not Mookie Best this year, but I’m not counting out Mookie Ballgame yet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Carlos Carrasco went 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.41, as the Indians won their 162nd game, and four-thousandth in a row. Hayzeus Cristo, who wants some of the Indians right now? Who? Or, more appropriately with the Indians, how? They’re fired up like their relatives just got a bad case of the pox and they’re all out of peace to put in their pipe. Am I right? Or am I just borderline racist?! You tell me, Redskins fans! By the way, you know your team name is racist when you can substitute in Redskins and it makes sense, i.e., “The Cleveland Redskins won last night, oh, I’m sorry, I mean Indians.”
Can’t wait for the movie about the Indians’ winning streak that omits Carrasco and Kluber.
— Razzball (@Razzball) September 12, 2017
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
There’s a common term sociologists use called, The Tide of Uze. Everything that encompasses everyday life is on The Tide of Uze. Brushing your teeth, walking your dog, Jose Abreu, they’re all on The Tide of Uze. There’s small pleasures to be found with them, but they’re so consistent they are often lost amongst other more exciting things. However, this past weekend The Tide of Uze was raised by Irma GAWD!, the fantasy football kickoff and me going to a Dodgers game with Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, a frequent commenter who was in town. I didn’t rank those per their importance, I’ll leave that to you. Big weekend for the world, right? (Yes.) With the Tide of Uze raising, it lifts everything that was floating on its surface, which meant Jose Abreu had a career weekend. On Saturday, he hit for the cycle, and, not to be outdone, he homered twice on Sunday (2-for-3, 3 RBIs, home run, 30 and 31). His season numbers are now 85/31/90/.302/1. All preseason I talked about how I wasn’t getting a 1st baseman in the first two rounds, so I was drafting Abreu everywhere, and I was nervous about it. Let’s just say I’ve learned to appreciate The Tide of Uze. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
When you were a kid, did you ever receive a formal invitation and it was addressed like this, “Master Albright?” Okay, now think about Harrison Bader getting a formal invite. I’m dead. That legit made me laugh for twenty minutes. I stopped midway to breath from an oxygen tank, but a full twenty minutes, nevertheless. Imagine this: Mom, “Harrison, come here and open your auntie’s wedding invite?” “Why does it say, Master Bader?” Dad, “You’ll know in a few years, son.” Not to mention, Master makes every little boy sound like the kid in The Toy. S’lame! I don’t even want to Google the origins for calling a boy, Master, because it’s prolly hella racist. Any hoo! Harrison Bader is playing every day, but the Cards do have 19 outfielders to juggle, so he’s not 100% guaranteed. He is hitting for power and average, and at the top of the lineup. With the Cards trying to make the playoffs, they’re putting their best lineup on the field and Bader has been a part of that. Even if Master Bader sounds like he wouldn’t play well with others. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the Buy, I just wanted to mention our Fantasy Football tools. Freudian, because this is my Buy and this would be your buy? P to the erhaps. But no purchase necessary, there’s a 7-day free trial, so you can give them a whirlybird for the first week if you like. Anyway II, the Buy/Sell:Please, blog, may I have some more?