Welcome back for another star-studded event! Assuming you hack into your favorite online dictionary and replace the definition of ‘star’ with “guy who lives in his mom’s basement and screams when someone finishes his Doritos,” and next to the definition of ‘stud’ you put a picture of yourself. The Razzballies are the only award show where it’s totally fine to show up in sweatpants, and for your fingers to be orange from Cheetos. We don’t judge. We will occasionally mock. Mock-judge, tomato-tomahto. Get over it! But don’t mock Judge, that’s not all right. I hope you enjoyed the clip show where I inserted myself into various baseball clips from this year. How about the clip where I was Jason Kipnis watching his team win every game he missed? Hee-lar-e-us! So, before I’m talking to no one but a room full of seat-fillers, here’s the year-end awards for the best and worst of fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
All my fantasy baseball championship titles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though one is here to stay *sung in a very fast voice* oh, crap, nope, because I didn’t draft Daniel Murphy because he didn’t believe in the lifestyle of a gay,
Oh, why didn’t I believe in Murphy like he didn’t believe in a…gay…gay…gay.
Suddenly! David Price’s arm is not half of what it used to be.
There’s a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, it’s Giancarlo’s groin that I made of plaster of Paris to admire and it just exploded in paste on me…Suddenly!
Why the season had to go, I don’t know, it wouldn’t say… because it can’t talk, it’s a baseball season that ended yesterday…yesterday…yesterday!
Fantasy Baseball was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a mother’s basement to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday…day…day.
*sniffles* Here, take a tissue. You have to excuse me, I don’t have any clean ones. What will we do for the next few months without an update on a Mets’ pitcher elbow? Will Rougned Odor reveal he was accidentally batting while crossing his eyes and that’s why he barely hit .200? What will we do without a James Paxton injury update? WHAT? WILL? WE? DO? Prepare for next season, of course. But, first, let’s bask in the last day of the season. Today is the day when you realize you’ve spent 27,000 man hours this summer beating eleven other strangers to win a virtual trophy, and it feels great! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Oh, I get it, it was a C lineup for a team whose B lineup ain’t an A lineup. Understood, my dude, don’t be rude. *smacks face* No more rhyming and I mean it! Anyone want a peanut? But yesterday showed the flashes of greatness from Carlos Carrasco — 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 3.29, and notched 200 IP for the first time in his career — that he is constantly hinting at, and I don’t want to end a sentence with at — dah! If only he’d stop with the hinting. Paint the corners — great! Paint a picture of an ace — super! But we’re not playing Pictionary here, stop with the hints! He’s 30 years old already. At what point is it no longer what he can do and rather this is who he is? No question mark actually. This is it methinks, I said dressed like a leprechaun. Some amazing starts, some lackluster starts, some random DL stint, some of the parts is greater than whole. Yes, I know I spelled sum wrong, don’t make me go back there! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I had a thought, 30 years ago there was one source for all information, the encyclopedia. If they wanted to make up information, there was no internet to double check anything. *blows dust off an old book, opens Encyclopedia Britannica, turns to Korean War page* “In 1950-something, Carlos Correa tried to unite the Correan peninsula under Communist rool.” Now there might be too much information, but 30 years ago, you’d shrug and be like, “I guess you spell rule ‘rool,’ and rad on Correa. Hey, look, it says here Columbus invented the mammogram.” Any hoo! Yesterday, Correa went 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer. He’s going to be a tough guy to peg for 2018 fantasy. His power this year is actually solid when you consider he missed six weeks. The lack of steals is disturbing though, if a lack of a fantasy category can be disturbing. I know he’s fast, he knows he’s fast, but the Astros just refuse to let him run. Three attempts all year is pathetic. If he’s a lock for 29 HR, 2 SBs and .290 next year, it’s great, but it’s not 2nd round great. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
*fumbles with an envelope, Hillary Swank stands next to me, watching on, embarrassed for me* And the Teoscar goes to…Teoscar Hernandez! Hillary Swank leans into the microphone, “Well, he was the only one nominated.” Ugh, totally unnecessary Swank! I should’ve pointed out how she was checking out Hugh Jackman’s wife the entire time on stage. I picked up Teoscar before yesterday’s game for the runs because he was leading off, I never expected such a windfall of gorge. He went 2-for-5, 4 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homer in only his 73rd at-bat. That’s 20 hits total for him, with seven going gonzo. This is better than Million Dollar Baby! Yeah, I hope Hillary Swank’s Google alerts are going bizzonkers today. Not ready to announce my love for Teoscar for next year, I am more of an IFP Spirit Awards guy, but you have to grab Teoscar for these final days. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I am a winner who’s probably gonna win again. Giancarlo, forgive me! Giancarlo, forgive me! So many swings I don’t understand. Sometimes I need to stream Tommy Milone. Mitch don’t kill my vibe! Mitch don’t kill my vibe! I can feel your energy while Judge hits homers two planets away. I got my drink, I got my music. I would share it, but today I’m yelling. Mitch don’t kill my vibe! Mitch don’t kill my vibe! (repeat 2x) Yesterday, Mitch Haniger (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 15th and 16th homers, and now has 4 homers in the last nine games. He even has a steal, and his run game got the whole world talkin’. King Kunta. Oops, wrong Kendrick Lamar song. If you need help this final week, grab this *itch. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Let’s see, all rise for the Judge. Can I get a witness for Judge? Judge, jury and executioner of fastballs. This is one Judge who should never see the bench. There’s a ten from the East German for Judge! Well, you can be the Judge of that, not really tho. You can Judge a book by how hard he knocks the cover off the ball. And, of course, five minutes to Judge Mollywhopper. All right, all right, enough. Yesterday, Aaron Judge went 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs with his 47th and 48th homer, as he hits .281. I don’t want to have to bring out the caps, but he’s a ROOKIE. *inserts meme of white guy blinking* He has the rookie record for walks, within one of the rookie record for home runs and the first player with 200 Ks and a .262+ average in baseball history. I looked through the last 120 years of baseball for a comparable year, and I found Mike Schmidt’s best year and a not-yet-white Sammy Sosa. So, a Phillie hero and vitiligo. In the 2nd half, Judge ‘only’ has 18 homers, and increased his K-rate to 32.9% from 29.8, only hitting .213. In 2018, there’s going to be huge risk and reward when drafting Judge. I’d be shocked if he falls further than the top 15 overall, so you’re gonna have to gamble that he won’t hit 40 HRs with a .240, and be essentially Khris Davis. Either way, it’s gonna be tough to Judge. Ugh. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
When Hunter Renfroe was demoted two months ago, he had to ask himself, “Did I just lose my job to Jabari?” Since he was holding down his soon-to-be-extinct home button on his iPhone, Siri responded, “You’re the jabroni.” This sent Hunter Renfroe into a shame spiral not seen since Lorenzo Lamas spun his laser pointer at cellulite. Then Renfroe stepped on more mental rakes that smacked him in his face. He followed The Iron Sheik on Twitter, who promptly called him a Jabroni. He wandered into a Brony convention, and a bearded man dressed as My Little Pony introduced himself as Jay Brony. It was awful! Renfroe, or as Scooby would call him, ‘Renfroe,’ has a batting average that is the dog’s breakfast, which means it’s Scooby snacks. Zoinks! That’s not why you’re owning him; it’s for power, that he has in spades (though clubs would make more sense). If you need power in the final ten days, grab Renfroe, you jabroni! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Gabriel Ynoa threw a gem, 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.41 in just under 32 IP. His name is pronounced EE-know-a. As they say, the more you EE-know-a. Ynoa was only at 94 pitches, so don’t you let Ynoa try for the complete game? I mean, Ynot? He looks like a number five starter, though on the Orioles that likely means a number three starter. He can touch mid-90’s with his fastball, but he’s missing a decent breaking ball and tends to get beat up by lefties, like Fox News. Though, better things may await him because the Mets traded him away. He will likely come up a little short of the Mets’ all-time worst trade of Nolan Ryan, and even their 2nd worst trade of Amos Otis to the Royals for a prospect with a giant baseball head. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You know how they say think about baseball to make sex last longer? Okay, so I was thinking, to make the baseball season last longer do we think about baseball? Maybe we think about sex. This is a riddle for the Sphinx! I saw Chris Sale struck out his 300th batter of the season, and I got a pit in my stomach. I mean, I know the season’s quickly approaching its French end title, “Fin,” but it still bums me out like a mid-20’s Evan Gattis. Yesterday, Chris Sale went 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 13 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.75. He became the first Red Sox player to record 300 Ks in a season since Pedro Martinez in 1999. And Pedro had his good luck charm, little person, Nelson de la Rosa! Well, I guess Sale does have Pedroia. You look at Sale’s peripherals and you kinda wanna drool — 12.9 K/9, 1.8 BB/9, 2.62 xFIP, and averaging 94 MPH on his fastball. His K-rate is the third best for a starter since 1900. Okay, so maybe Kluber doesn’t win the Cy Young. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?