Yankees are absolutely stacked:

  1. Gerrit Cole
  2. Carlos Rodon
  3. Luis Severino
  4. Nestor Cortes
  5. Frankie Montas

Which makes it so weird that they’re going to Wandy Peralta with the ALCS on the line. Wait, ever since I bought this DeLorean off eBay I have no idea what time I’m in. Is this October of 2023? *looks down* Oh, I’m wearing a loincloth. I know when I am now. It must be in the 70’s in the San Fernando Valley. Carlos Rodon became a jewel in my crown of lovelies this past season. I didn’t want him, but Donkey Teeth insisted we draft him in our Main Event, and I fell in love. That Donkey Teeth also had us draft Maikel Franco is another thing entirely. He’s truly special when he’s healthy. Uh, Rodon, not Maikel or Donkey. Last year, his 12 K/9, 2.6 BB/9, 2.91 xFIP (!) tells pretty much the whole story. His HR/9 was .6, and that might go up, as he does give up a decent number of fly balls. But it is a ton of weak contact, 290-foot outs. Wait, you can get 290-foot home runs in Yankee Stadium. He’s going to be great in the AL East, in Yankee Stadium, everywhere. As long as he’s healthy. If healthy, yes. That’s the riddle that we don’t know, like why did E.T. want to phone home? You can’t call other planets. E.T. was dumb if you ask me. For 2023, I’ll give Carlos Rodon projections of 16-4/3.03/1.05/224 in 169 IP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! Before we get into the roundup, just wanted to announce that I’ve begun to roll out my 2023 fantasy baseball rankings on our Patreon. It’s an early Hanukkah miracle! Or late Hanukah miracle, depending on when Hanukkah is this year. The Jews should really decide on one day to start Hanukah each year, and stick with it. It’s better for branding. Anyway II, the roundup:

Mike Zunino – Signed with the Guardians. Guardians weren’t ready to go to Bo Naylor. They got cold feet. They wanted romance. Wait, I’m thinking of either Losin’ It or Biloxi Blues. So, the Guardians answer the question to who’s Zunino’ing who. No idea why, I guess they don’t think Bo Naylor’s ready, so they got a platoon guy for him. It is Biloxi Blues!

Omar Narvaez – Signed with the Mets. Damn, that sucks for the Mets’ other catcher. “Yeah, seriously, I was going to hit at least four homers this year!” Not you, McCann. I’m talking about–“Me?” No, not you either Nido. Hey, Mets’ front office, start trading catchers for a sack of potatoes so Franciso Alvarez can backup Narvaez for this one year Narvaez is in Queens. For 2023, I’ll give Narvaez projections of 34/8/43/.231 in 347 ABs.

Brad Boxberger – Signed with the Cubs. In Chicago, he has to change his name to Brad Cheeburger. I’m not going to project Boxberger right now, but I can absolutely see him stealing saves from Brandon Hughes for no reason other than the Cubs want to be cheap bastards.

Scott McGough – Signed with the Diamondbacks. After seven years in Japan, he returns with a new appreciation for ramen, and a resume that says he saved 38 games last year for the Swallows. That’s what you wish she said!

Adam Frazier – Signed with the O’s. Of all the teams he could’ve went to, he chose the Orioles because all the teams he could’ve went to was the Pirates or the Orioles, and he wanted to try something different. Some day we’ll look back on this time in MLB history and be like, “Adam Frazier got 1,000 career games?!” By the way, he’s got 43 homers and 41 steals in his career. His career is hopefully this year from Acuña. For 2023, I’ll give this schmohawk projections of 43/5/39/.261/10 in 432 ABs.

Jeter Downs – Designated for assignment. Okay, but we don’t know yet how good Mookie Betts is gonna be.

Michael Lorenzen – Signed with the Tigers. Word is he signed on the Tigers because he wants to hit against Matthew Boyd in split squad games.

Carlos Correa – Signed with the Giants for 13 years. Thirteen years?! M*A*S*H only lasted 11 seasons! This is the longest commitment the public’s ever made to a Correa! He’s gonna outlast Hawkeye?! I’ll tell ya what, M*A*S*H’s WAR is gonna hold up better too. A look in the future:

Also, because this just made me laugh:

Any hoo! Correa’s not even a fantasy star, and he got 13 years! Sorry, I any hoo’d, but I clearly didn’t move on as an ‘any hoo’ would indicate. It’s just so freakin’ funny! Okay, really moving on now, Correa goes to a seemingly worst park for offense, but it was better than his one-year home in Minny. It’s a worst park for homers though, and Correa couldn’t hit 27+ homers with the Crawford Boxes, so he’s not a great bet to do it now. He only once cleared 150 games too. Man, this deal sucks for the Giants, but it prolly helps my Thairo Estrada sleeper and doesn’t really hurt Correa. Just a push on his value. For 2023, I’ll give Carlos Correa projections of 81/23/90/.283/2 in 538 ABs.

Ross Stripling – Signed with the Giants. He had a 3.01 ERA last year with a 3.67 xFIP (decent, if you weren’t sure), and a 7.4 K/9 and 1.3 BB/9 in 134 1/3 IP. Clearly, can’t trust him for a full season, but any guesses on his ADP? Bzzt! Wrongo! He’s going at 453rd overall next to Sean Manaea, who absolutely sucked last year. Oh, and to put the whispers to bed that was Stripling’s one good year, he has a career 3.78 ERA. Get to bed, whispers! What I’m saying is currently Stripling is plenty undervalued. For 2023, I’ll give Ross Stripling projections of 8-9/3.77/1.07/131 in 148 IP.

Noah Syndergaard – Signed with the Dodgers. In Los Angeles, we like our breasts fake and our pitchers to throw a sub-3 ERA–*door flies off its hinges* Cancel Police?! No! Breasts fake as in Fakin’ Chikin! The soy-based poultry! Please! So, Dodgers are the one team that can turn Noah Syndergaard into a 1.75 ERA pitcher with a 7.5 K/9. I’m only partly joking. By the way, it’s kinda cool Mark Prior has become the greatest pitching coach ever after being the greatest pitching prospect who was ruined by Dusty Baker. Syndergaard’s stats last year were so wildly awful it’s hard to imagine him being decent this year, but, honestly, for the right price, I’m willing to take a chance we get this year’s Gonsolin. For 2023, I’ll give Syndergaard projections: 10-4/3.82/1.22/128 in 142 IP.