It was clear where Dansby Swanson was going to sign once he got married. Mallory Pugh, his new wife, plays soccer in Chicago. Lucky Dansby didn’t marry Messi. He’d have to play for Argentina, which, I believe, is where Yasiel Puig is playing now. Imagine being so whipped you have to play for whoever your wife roots for. I’d be playing for the “Gilmore Girls reunion.” So, Swanson immediately makes the Cubs much better. Competitive? Well, maybe a Wild Card, then who knows, Their pitching staff’s got more question marks than the Riddler’s leotards, so, yeah, I don’t think the Cubs are competitive, but weirder things have happened. Their middle infield does look solid, though. I am Hoerny for Hoerner and have always loved me some Swanson. Last year, Wrigley played poorly for home runs, but, as mentioned previously, I think that was a flukey thing vs. a new thing. Though, the dead ball and the humidor might’ve finally overcome the Windy City to make it more like Fly Out City. Will need more than one year to determine that. Last year, Swanson did what he’s always done with just a little more luck on BABIP, and flashed more speed. His counting stats might take a little hit in a weaker lineup (though, now the Cubs have Cody Bellinger five exclamation marks). His power should remain around 25-28, steals around 12-15, and average around .260. Assuming he doesn’t get his new marriage annulled and start dating Marge Schott Jr. and throw every game vs. the Reds. For 2023, I’ll give Dansby Swanson projections of 78/27/84/.262/14 in 591 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2023 fantasy baseball:
Drew Smyly – Signed with the Cubs. Oh! Well, in that case! I take back what I said in the opening about the Cubs’ pitching. They’re not question marks, they’re emojis playing Russian roulette.
Andrew Benintendi – Signed with the White Sox. Hold up, an actual outfielder playing outfield for the White Sox? No way! What is this voodoo you’re speaking of? Not sure yet where he’ll bat in the lineup, but I’d put him in the two-hole and take Turd Moncada, and put him around sixth or seventh. Benintendi is a much better real-life player than a fantasy one, but should fit nicely into that new brand of White Sox baseball, which is barely hit 15 homers, hit .280 and steal a large handful of bases. Like an Andre the Giant-sized hand. Andrew Benintendi projections: 86/14/56/.283/9 in 538 ABs
Billy Hamilton – Signed with the White Sox. He had one hit last year in 31 games. So, doing rough math here, he would have five hits in 155 games, or same as Yasmani Grandal.
J.D. Martinez – Signed with the Dodgers. Just Dong, wrongly named, clogs up the Dodgers’ lineup in the most unfortunate of ways. Must be something in the name Miguel, because the Dodgers’ Miguel Vargas seems to be on the same path as Miguel Andujar. What’s up with that? I said to my reflection, and I was eerily silent waiting for an answer. For 2023, I’ll give J.D. Martinez projections of 68/18/81/.268 in 502 ABs.
Joey Gallo – Signed with the Twins. With no shift, Joey Gallo is about to win the batting title. As Fonzie’s horse says, NAY! He’s going to win the Triple Crown, if he can the RBIs. Will depend how the Twins’ lineup produces around him. Could see an easy 45-homer, .330 season. Or maybe the lack of shift will only add five extra hits, and he’ll still strikeout 44% of the time and hit .175. Who’s to say? Joey Gallo Projections: 54/23/58/.179/4 in 384 ABs.
Trevor May – Signed with the A’s. How much money players gets doesn’t matter, usually, but when the A’s dole out $7 million for May, he’s absolutely the closer. So, ya know, three saves and traded by August? P to the erhaps. For 2023, I’ll give May projections of 1-4/4.09/1.36/79, 15 saves in 61 IP.
Justin Turner – Signed with the Red Sox. Mookie and Just Dong on the Dodgers; Kenley, Enrique and Turner on the Red Sox. Geez, why don’t you exchange promise rings while you’re at it? Turner’s basically the same as Just Dong. No power, no speed, solid average, solid counting stats, prolly a DH now. Call him Justin Dong Turner, which sounds like someone announcing new inventory in a sex toy shop. For 2023, I’ll give Justin Turner projections of 69/15/79/.274 in 481 ABs.
Eric Hosmer – DFA’d by the Red Sox. He’ll catch on somewhere. A lot of teams could use him, like the Doosan Bears, the Savannah Bananas, uh…the team at the Chipotle by my house.
Boss, you gave him the name Just Dong yourself. You can’t walk away from it now like a kid from that fling at Spring Break your senior year in college while you and cougs were “figuring things out.”
Ha, yeah, when he actually used to homer
was “jew don” previously.
I had thought that the Dodgers moving on from Turner might’ve handed 3B over to Vargas. Am I forgetting someone? What’s your read that the JD signing blocks him?
DH goes to JD, so Taylor and Muncy get 2B and 3B so Vargas just bounces around…might get 400 ABs but doesn’t have a set position
Gotcha. Wasn’t factoring in Taylor. Thanks!
Shabbat Shamone…listening to Off The Wall on repeat today mon ami !
Listening to Sammy Davis Jr. while lighting candles
A couple of interesting notes regarding the Chicago signings:
Dansby Swanson now holds the record for the biggest contract in Cubs history, surpassing Jason Heyward.
Andrew Benintendi now holds the record for the biggest contract in White Sox history, surpassing Yasmani Grandal.
Certainly not an ominous sign for either team!
HAHAHA…Yikes…Hopefully it works out better for these guys
Wrong. Heyward got 8 years and $184 million from the Cubs prior to the 2016 season, while Swanson got 7 years and $177 million from the Cubs last week. Particularly if you use inflation adjusted dollars, Heyward’s contract was well over $200 million in today’s dollar equivalents.
Swanson’s contract is the 2nd largest ever given out by the Cubs in terms of dolalr value.
it’s good somebody’s checking this stuff
If He’s A Good Hitter,Why Dont He Hit Good
His biography title
This Is The Way We Do Business In Boston
seems to me the Red Sox already gave up on the 2023 season
They’re a puzzling organization…Feels like they’re just fielding a team bc they’re being told they have to, but their pitching is decent if Sale holds it together
I’m interested in Whitlock and Houck now that at least Whitlock and probably Houck are penciled in as full-time starters. I was interested in them last draft seasons even without the defined roles. And I hate the Red Sox, so this isn’t just being a homer. Any thoughts on what going in to spring as rotation members will mean for them?
Whitlock is in the rotation as of now, but the Red Sox have said this before then moved him back and forth to pen…He can’t throw more than 120 IP, prolly…Could be interesting tho…Houck’s in the pen rn
b. George Carlin quote of the day for December 19, 2022
‘Aw they get you pissed. I don’t know where they come from but I believe… I believe there’s an automotive harassment squad that is notified when I leave the house. All right he’s leaving now. Everyone in position. And they’re laying for me all along my route. Here’s a guy making a U-turn in reverse. Here’s a woman backing out of a bush. And each of them has a special talent. Each driver has one thing he does for you. First of all there’s the guy whose turn signal has been on since 1955. Then there’s his opposite. That’s the guy who doesn’t put his turn signal on until he’s finished the turn. He’s going to tell you where he was. And there’s the guy behind you at night who’s bright’s are on. He has his bright’s on in case you want to read. Well I just happen to have a copy of Ivanhoe with me.’
WHAT AM I DOING IN NEW JERSEY? (1988)
A. Haha, yes
Padres still paying Hosmer…$39 million left on his deal. He’ll collect $13 million a year over the next three years.
You’re also right about Vargas. I was actually hoping they’d trade him last year so he could play somewhere. It seems like they don’t know what to do with him.
Yeah, I don’t get it with Vargas, he seems totally capable, try him
Dansby could play in Paris, where Messi plays when he isn’t with the national team.
Typo in the Turner blurb. You have “Dodgers” instead of “Red Sox.”
Oops, they keep switching players, the Sawx and Dodgers
Wow, so France has all the great players, huh?
Haha, I think they’re missing a few.
That was a great final match, right?
It was good, but not the greatest ever like some seem to think. I mean, it was all Argentina for 75% of regulation. Then it got great.
I turned it on about five minutes before the 1st France goal, so I think I might’ve saw the best part
Tho, I honestly think I can discern good soccer from bad soccer
They are both great teams. Another day I imagine France would win. I actually picked France to win.
Sure, it wasn’t bad soccer before you joined; France just never really threatened at any time.
Were those the two best teams?
I guess they were the best over this tournament. I thought Brazil would be playing France, but they got stifled by Croatia’s defensive style and lost on penalty kicks. I guess anything can happen in the elimination rounds.
Ah, gotcha…Well, there’s always 4 years from now!
Argentina won. but sucks to get some big wins down the stretch and in the final on a penalty kick contest. won the coin flip against Netherlands in final 8; and again yesterday in final. Not exactly world domination…
Gotcha…I only watched the final game…Penalty kicks was super anti-climatic