This Cubbie The Start Of A Dansbeautiful Friendship

It was clear where Dansby Swanson was going to sign once he got married. Mallory Pugh, his new wife, plays soccer in Chicago. Lucky Dansby didn’t marry Messi. He’d have to play for Argentina, which, I believe, is where Yasiel Puig is playing now. Imagine being so whipped you have to play for whoever your wife roots for. I’d be playing for the “Gilmore Girls reunion.” So, Swanson immediately makes the Cubs much better. Competitive? Well, maybe a Wild Card, then who knows, Their pitching staff’s got more question marks than the Riddler’s leotards, so, yeah, I don’t think the Cubs are competitive, but weirder things have happened. Their middle infield does look solid, though. I am Hoerny for Hoerner and have always loved me some Swanson. Last year, Wrigley played poorly for home runs, but, as mentioned previously, I think that was a flukey thing vs. a new thing. Though, the dead ball and the humidor might’ve finally overcome the Windy City to make it more like Fly Out City. Will need more than one year to determine that. Last year, Swanson did what he’s always done with just a little more luck on BABIP, and flashed more speed. His counting stats might take a little hit in a weaker lineup (though, now the Cubs have Cody Bellinger five exclamation marks). His power should remain around 25-28, steals around 12-15, and average around .260. Assuming he doesn’t get his new marriage annulled and start dating Marge Schott Jr. and throw every game vs. the Reds. For 2023, I’ll give Dansby Swanson projections of 78/27/84/.262/14 in 591 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2023 fantasy baseball:

Drew Smyly – Signed with the Cubs. Oh! Well, in that case! I take back what I said in the opening about the Cubs’ pitching. They’re not question marks, they’re emojis playing Russian roulette.

Andrew Benintendi – Signed with the White Sox. Hold up, an actual outfielder playing outfield for the White Sox? No way! What is this voodoo you’re speaking of? Not sure yet where he’ll bat in the lineup, but I’d put him in the two-hole and take Turd Moncada, and put him around sixth or seventh. Benintendi is a much better real-life player than a fantasy one, but should fit nicely into that new brand of White Sox baseball, which is barely hit 15 homers, hit .280 and steal a large handful of bases. Like an Andre the Giant-sized hand. Andrew Benintendi projections: 86/14/56/.283/9 in 538 ABs

Billy Hamilton – Signed with the White Sox. He had one hit last year in 31 games. So, doing rough math here, he would have five hits in 155 games, or same as Yasmani Grandal.

J.D. Martinez – Signed with the Dodgers. Just Dong, wrongly named, clogs up the Dodgers’ lineup in the most unfortunate of ways. Must be something in the name Miguel, because the Dodgers’ Miguel Vargas seems to be on the same path as Miguel Andujar. What’s up with that? I said to my reflection, and I was eerily silent waiting for an answer. For 2023, I’ll give J.D. Martinez projections of 68/18/81/.268 in 502 ABs.

Joey Gallo – Signed with the Twins. With no shift, Joey Gallo is about to win the batting title. As Fonzie’s horse says, NAY! He’s going to win the Triple Crown, if he can the RBIs. Will depend how the Twins’ lineup produces around him. Could see an easy 45-homer, .330 season. Or maybe the lack of shift will only add five extra hits, and he’ll still strikeout 44% of the time and hit .175. Who’s to say? Joey Gallo Projections: 54/23/58/.179/4 in 384 ABs.

Trevor May – Signed with the A’s. How much money players gets doesn’t matter, usually, but when the A’s dole out $7 million for May, he’s absolutely the closer. So, ya know, three saves and traded by August? P to the erhaps. For 2023, I’ll give May projections of 1-4/4.09/1.36/79, 15 saves in 61 IP.

Justin Turner – Signed with the Red Sox. Mookie and Just Dong on the Dodgers; Kenley, Enrique and Turner on the Red Sox. Geez, why don’t you exchange promise rings while you’re at it? Turner’s basically the same as Just Dong. No power, no speed, solid average, solid counting stats, prolly a DH now. Call him Justin Dong Turner, which sounds like someone announcing new inventory in a sex toy shop. For 2023, I’ll give Justin Turner projections of 69/15/79/.274 in 481 ABs.

Eric Hosmer – DFA’d by the Red Sox. He’ll catch on somewhere. A lot of teams could use him, like the Doosan Bears, the Savannah Bananas, uh…the team at the Chipotle by my house.