So That’s Why Teflon Rodon Didn’t Stick As A Nickname

The news coming across the wire read: Carlos Rodon has a forearm strain and is shut down for 7-10 days. Will start the year on the IL. Then became what I call the Sad Man’s March. Every March, you draft a bunch of teams, then you hear about an injury. Now you have a nerve-wracking click-through of every team you’ve drafted to see if you drafted that injured player. A bead of sweat accumulates on your brow. You open your first team that you drafted this offseason. Close one eye — the pain would be too much for both eyes! — then scan to the top of your pitching staff. No Rodon! No Rodon! You repeat, no Rodon! Then, like Tom Cruise trying to diffuse a bomb, you wipe your brow and open your next team. No Rodon! No Rodon! Then, as if you entered the latest Friday the 13th movie and about to open a closet, you open the next draft — NO RODON! You’ve beat the Sad Man’s March! You are victorious! Wait, then you realize you’ve drafted Yordan Alvarez everywhere and he still hasn’t picked up a bat. So, Rodon is out for a while; no one knows how long. Best case scenario for forearm strains in March is maybe back by May? I’m guessing here, obviously. Hence the question mark. I’m moving him out of my top 20 starters and into my top 40 starters, but to an area where I would not draft anymore. For every bit of bad news, there’s a separate but opposite bit of good news — that’s Grey’s Law of Fantasy. Clarke Schmidt and Domingo German both look good. I added Clarke Schmidt into my 2023 fantasy baseball rankings, and you can find his blurb in the top 100 starters, and moved up Domingo German in the top 500. Finally, my Pitchers’ Pairing Tool was updated. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2023 fantasy baseball:

Harrison Bader – Dealing with an oblique, and is headed for tests. Ah, yes, the injury that can’t be determined by tests will be tested! Once I hear a timetable, I will make adjustments, but this could be good for Oswaldo Cabrera again.

Jackie Bradley Jr. – Signed with the Royals. Damn, looks like Olivares will be spending three months in the minors. I’m only half joking. As the ladies say, the bottom half is the joke.

Tyrone Taylor – Will miss first month of the season, at least, due to an elbow sprain. Well, the Brewers have only 999,999 outfielders now. He was updated in the top 100 outfielders rankings. Brian Anderson aka B.A. Brokeass is supposedly going to fill-in, and that is very funny. Yeah, I’m sure he’s going to be great and stay healthy. Ya know what’s truly effed up? Brewers’ window is right now. Between Frelick, Turang, Yelich, Woodruff, Freddy and Burnes, that’s their window to get a championship, and they’re out adding guys like Brian Anderson. He wasn’t added to the rankings. For those of you who are like, “Garrett Mitchell is injured too, Grey, you handsome-faced weirdo!” I know, but his sounds minor.

Nathan Eovaldi – Has side soreness, but threw a light bullpen. Sounds like a real strong guy. The bullpen he threw, did it include a bullpen cart?

Leody Taveras – Out with an oblique strain. The worst thing baseball ever did was when they invented the oblique in 2012. Welp, there’s always the Leody Taveras, 2024 sleeper. He’ll prolly be fine by 2nd or 3rd week of the season, and I haven’t moved him in the top 100 outfielders, because he was never getting a full season anyway. Suddenly, Bubba Thompson is very interesting. He wasn’t upped in the rankings, but I could see him being a top Buy the first month.

Mike Clevinger – Won’t be suspended from the league, because. Dot dot dot. Why? I don’t know, tee be aitch. They supposedly interviewed 15 people about the incident, but don’t you really only have to interview two people, him and his girlfriend? It’s a he said/she said situation, no? It’s confusing because in the past it’s been an automatic suspension situation. Feel like there’s something going on here that we’re not hearing the whole story on, like Reinsdorf has sway with Manfred, or something. Well, whatever the case, I added him into the top 100 starters, and top 500. I went over him when he signed with the White Sox anyway, so you can read that again in the top 100 starters, if you like.

Mike Moustakas – Signed with the Rockies. The Colorado Prospblockies are so funny. “If you’re 35, down on your luck, and haven’t been good at baseball for a few years, why not give the Rockies a call?” There’s rumors that he might play 2nd base replacing the injured Brendan Rodgers, and, honestly, I’d be surprised if Mostsuckass doesn’t get more at-bats than Ezequiel Tovar. God forbid, they look at Zac Veen. Bunch of anti-Vac’ers! So, I’m not ranking or projecting Mostsuckass, because he’s the Mostsuckassiest, but if you really need a corner man in a Draft Champions league after pick 500, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Sean Bouchard – Diagnosed with a biceps rupture. Live with me for a second: After I drafted Rodgers in a Draft Champions league (I’ll have that recap next week), I heard about his injury, so guess who I drafted to fill-in for him? You can’t make this shizz up!

Yuli Gurriel – Signed with the Marlins. Next team will be The Bahamas Windbreakers, then back to Cuba as the life cycle of the Gurriel goes full circle.

Jose Iglesias – Signed with the Marlins. They heard they don’t have a prayer of winning anything, and the Marlins were like, “What if we acquired a church?”

Daniel Hudson – Doesn’t sound like he’ll be ready to start the season, and that was all I needed to hear to switch up the Dodgers saves on my top 500. This is truly a closerfudge of epic proportions. I like Evan Phillips now, but Hudson has the vet tag, which Dave Roberts likes, and Brusdar Graterol has the it factor, and Vesia is just straight smoke, but from the wrong side.

Tony Gonsolin – Won’t be ready to start the year because of ankle tenderness. Oh, no, not the ankie tendies! Wasn’t drafting Gonsolin anyway, and he wasn’t moved in my rankings since this sounds like a minor injury.

Jose Quintana – Diagnosed with a small stress fracture in his rib. Please let this be good news for David Peterson. Yes, Tylor Megill is there. Meknow. But I still want Peterson. Haven’t updated the top 100 starters for either Peterson or Megill, because I think it’s a coin flip. I have drafted Peterson, though.

Andrew Painter – Felt some elbow tenderness. Shame about Painter. Maybe it was too many fences. Phils are saying no surgery, and hopefully they’re right, but he’s a year away for our purposes anyway. Or porpoises, if a dolphin is reading.

Gregory Soto – Having visa issues trying to get into the country. I can’t believe my saves are reliant on the passport office. I had to juggle-up my top 500 for saves in Philly too. Also, there’s a Bullpen Chart. Good luck on your weekend drafts, and get the Fantasy Baseball War Room!