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Daniel Bard gets no props for hitting Jose Altuve, and, of course, he should not, because he broke his thumb. That does not deserve an atta boy. No pats on the back for that, naturally. I will never say Bard did somehow an incredible thing by hitting Altuve’s thumb. I won’t dare say just because Jose Altuve is 4′ 11″ and his hand is attached to an arm that is only 7 inches long and that hand — THAT HAND! — it’s only a wee bit bigger than a raspberry, and the thumb attached to it is like hitting a bottle cap at 500 yards. I don’t care if the marksmanship on Bard makes him about the same as Oswald, if Oswald were two book depositories behind that book depository he was in. I would not say that because it’s going to knock Altuve out for 8-10 weeks, so there’s nothing amazing about what Bard did. But, well, Maddux didn’t have that kind of aim, let’s be honest. By the by, book depository is the fanciest way of saying warehouse. Since when do we look at a warehouse and say, “Hey, I’d like to say what that is, so please tell me what’s inside.” “Inside that warehouse is fake vomit that will one day be in Spencer’s Gifts.” “Okay, then it’s a fake vomit depository.”

So, this sucks if you drafted Altuve already, obviously. He will have surgery and be out until roughly June. He was updated in the 2nd basemen rankings, top 100 and top 500. One guy who wasn’t updated, but should now slot in at 2nd base is David Hensley, though he gains major AL-Only value, as he’s the one in-house option for the Astros worth anything. If Hensley had any full-season value, I would’ve added him to the rankings. He’s just a stopgap option, though, and Altuve will knock him out of playing time when he returns. Like all their other prospects, Hensley makes solid contact. He can also hit for a little power (12 HRs over a season) and stole 20 bases last year in Triple-A. He’s a better bat than a handful of other 2nd basemen around the league for two months. He will be in this season’s first Buy/Sell that I will be putting on Patreon this week, but is almost two weeks away from being posted here. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2023 fantasy baseball:

Daniel Bard – Hearing having the aim of an assassin is only good if you can aim over the plate. Not saying I’m fully panicked yet on Bard, because it’s not the season yet and he has time to figure out his shizz, but his shizz seems massively unfigured-out-able right now. In Tout Wars on Sunday (it’s NL-Only), I took a flyer on Dinelson Lamet. I’ll have that full recap later this week.

Jurickson Profar – Signed with the Rockies. Boy, the Rockies are simultaneously the most depressing team ever and hilarious and oddly interesting. They are their own special brand of bizarre. I’m pretty sure they just sign guys because they answer the question, “Do you believe in God?” correctly. No joke, they are a very religious-run front office, which is interesting too, because watching the Rockies run their team and it really makes you ask if there is a God. There’s so much value to be found in Coors, and they always go against the most exciting option. Yet, the guys who they do get, as boring as they are, they always get a boost, because: Coors. It truly is an enigma wrapped in a riddle surrounded by a very cheap draft beer. Profar shouldn’t be batting leadoff and everyday for anyone, but, well, enter the Rockies. He was updated in the top 80 outfielders. This signing likely ends the Elehuris Montero dream, and will hinder the Mostsuckass bounce back once Grichuk returns.

Charlie Blackmon – Him and C.J. Cron are dealing with back issues. The entire Rockies team minus Tovar is Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon. Speaking of Tovar, the truly great thing about him is he’s glove first, so I do think he gets 145+ games.

Juan Soto – Suffered a mild oblique strain. Why does it feel like Sexy Dr. Pepper is going the same way as Giancarlo and never going to live up to his potential? Never love anything or let it get you horny, that’s the lesson there. I haven’t yet moved him in my rankings, but I’m just waiting on the timetable. My guess is he’s going to miss at least two weeks of the regular season.

Brandon Nimmo – Week-to-week with an ankle and knee sprain. Isn’t it interesting how week-to-week is worse than day-to-day but minute-to-minute is the worst? Meh, maybe it’s me. Nimmo sounds like he avoided major injury.

Jorge Polanco – Might not be ready for Opening Day because of his knee, which is much worse than it sounds because he hasn’t even played a game this spring. He had all offseason, and he’s still hurting oh my God I’m describing Yordan right now too, aren’t I? Ugh. Well, I didn’t move Polanco in my 2nd basemen rankings, but I wasn’t drafting him anyway. Just know, I will move him way down the final week of the preseason if it’s announced he’s starting the year on the IL.

Juan Yepez – Lowered him in my 1st basemen rankings as I warned when Jordan Walker began to emerge. I love Jordan Walker so much I’m sick I can’t have him everywhere.

Nolan Arenado – Was hit by a pitch in last night’s USA-Cuba game because he was playing for the USA, and he’s half Cuban. Bay of Pigs, 2: Electric WBC Bugaloo! X-rays were negative, so sounds like Torenado avoided a natural disaster.

Vaughn Grissom – Has been benched recently for. Dot dot dot. Braden Shewmake? Who the hell is Braden Shewmake and what is he doing to my beautiful boy Vaughn Grissom’s playing time? His name even annoys me! Braden Shewmake? What is that? Shewmake? One of your ancestors dropped an R at the end, and it looks stupid, so put it back! His stats look even worse than his stupid name! It wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t give you some advanced notice, so you’ve been forewarned: I love Grissom, but he might be getting dropped in my rankings soon if Shewmake keeps starting in front of him.

Austin Slater – Questionable for Opening Day, due to a strained hamstring. Unreliable, that’s why Jessie Spano couldn’t trust him.

Josh Jung – Fine after being involved in a minor car accident. That’s one thing you never want to hear with a Rangers’ prospect.

Brayan Bello – I know, I know, I KNOW! Spring Training means nothing, but I’m thinking I should’ve ranked Bello higher. Watching him and he gives major ace vibes.

Dylan Moore – Will miss a few weeks to a month with an oblique strain. Bet you didn’t think you were gonna get that when you clicked to “Read more.” This could open the DH at-bats for others so Babe Ruth–I mean Jarred Kelenic can play everyday.

Gabriel Moreno – Hit on the wrist, but reports are saying he doesn’t even need x-rays. That’s good news, unless Moreno has x-ray vision, then he’s gotta self-report.

Brandon Pfaadt – Was reassigned to minor league camp. Not pfaair! Ryne Nelson and Drey Jameson are in the lead for the 5th starter job for the Dbags.

Austin Nola – Awaiting an update after Nola took a pitch off his helmet, and had to be carted off the field. Luckily, Josh Jung wasn’t driving!