Okay, I’m going to try to show you my 2023 LABR team, but I have to warn you, if your parental controls are too high on your browser, you might not be able to see my team. If, for unstints, you have your Chrome browser at PG-13, you won’t even see Jordan Walker. To help those people, and I’m only going to do this this one time, J*rdan W*lker is my 3rd baseman. You won’t see my shortstop, 2nd baseman or 1st baseman. I’m sorry. I’m not great with technology, but I believe if you go to your browser preferences, you can lower your parental controls, and then view my post. Of course, after you do that, you see my OnlyFans too, but why not subscribe, so I can read you my LABR team recap while I wear a nightie. So, I took part in the LABR, 12-team, mixed auction this past weekend and I built a team that is dripping in sex appeal. Besides being an auction and two catcher, it’s very similar to our RCL leagues (spots available to take on me and all of your worst frenemies, and win prizes; it’s free — sign up for a Razzball Commenter League under that linkie-ma-whosie.) Anyway, here’s my LABR 12-team, mixed league draft recap:
C: Alejandro Kirk $13
C: Jonah Heim $2
1B: Vladimir Guerrero Jr. $32
2B: Jazz Chisholm Jr. $27
SS: Fernando Tatis Jr. $26
3B: Jordan Walker $12
OF: Alex Verdugo $9
OF: Hunter Renfroe $7
OF: Ian Happ $6
OF: Andrew Vaughn $7
OF: Jarred Kelenic $2
Util: Ezequiel Tovar $3
Bench: Edward Olivares, Josh Rojas, Luis Urias
P: Yu Darvish $19
P: Framber Valdez $17
P: Lance Lynn $10
P: Jordan Montgomery $7
P: Brady Singer $7
P: Kodai Senga $6
P: Alex Cobb $1
P: Ryan Helsley $14
P: Alexis Diaz $9
Bench: Kendall Graveman, Eric Lauer
OKAY, I FEEL LIKE YOU WANT TO GIVE ME YOUR WAR ROOM VALUES, SO LET’S GET THAT OUT OF THE WAY.
Appreciate you teeing me up there, Mr. Al Capps.
To get an overview of how to use our Fantasy Baseball War Room, click that linkie-whosie-whats-it.
AS DRAFT PREP, DID YOU WATCH THE MOVIE, JUNIOR?
I got more Juniors than George Foreman and they’re all beautiful. (Not JRs, though, because that might include Josh Rojas.) Shizz happens from Shizzville to Shinola all the time. 24/7/365 wasn’t just Wade Boggs’s best year, it’s also the time in a calendar year when things will invariably go wrong, as they will for this team. In a 12-team mixed league, I need to work the weekly waivers. It won’t be a start to finish jaunt, but my team is set up for success. If you look at my team and think it’s flawed, then, not sure how else to say this, but it’s on your perceptions of my team, not my actual team. My team is fine. Or if an R&B singer is reading, it’s F-I-N-E.
SO, YOU HAVE NO REGRETS?
Oh, I have plenty of regrets. My pitching staff is built for a title run in 2019. I spent on the Juniors, so I didn’t have as much to go on with the arms. It’s how I draft, though, and I always do well, barring injuries. As I say in my top 20 starters, I think Yu Darvish is a #1, so I drafted him as one. Framber is a number two, and would you look at that, I have him as my number, while you’re taking a number two (because I have cookies tracking, I know where you read this). Lance Lynn? Well, you see the staff. It’s built for innings and hopefully enough on ratios. My other big regret is my bullpen. I didn’t read the room well enough, and closers’ prices were flat. I could’ve spent $18 on two closers and had as good if not better closers than I have where I spent $23. Examples: Clay Holmes went for $8 and Leclerc went for $2. They’re not better than Helsley, but also it doesn’t matter because last year I got Holmes and Helsley off of waivers and had the league best pitching staff (I came in third, for what it’s Cronenworth, with J.D. Martinez, Seiya, India, Wander and Mondesi crushing my hopes).
YOU SAY YOU DON’T SPENT MORE THAN $30 ON ONE PLAYER IN MIXED AUCTIONS USUALLY AND MA NISH TA NAH HOW IS THIS DIFFERENT ABOUT VLADIMIR GUERRERO JR.?
Cake Batter on our auction values is at $38. I know about the banged-up knee, but it’s barely March. I’m not letting him slide for $31. To give you some comparisons in this draft, Juan Soto went for $39; Manny Machado went for $33; Pete Alonso went for $32, and I, your fearless leader, who is secretly afraid of velvet, is just going to let Cake Batter go for $31? I is not, me say no. Instructive of how you should be drafting too. Have a gameplan, but don’t let it cripple your actual drafting. I never intended to go above $30 or to draft Vlad Jr., but for $32? Yeah, absolutely.
YOU ALWAYS SAY DON’T DRAFT BENCH BATS. HOW DOES IT FEEL TO CALL INTO QUESTION EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER TOLD ME BECAUSE OF THIS LIE?
In leagues this shallow, you should limit your bench bats to zero or one, usually, but this is a weekly league and it’s the first week of March. Jarred Kelenic might be dropped by the the first week of April. I love Jordan Walker so much I filed paperwork to change my name to Jordan Walker Jr., so he’d be my father, but, again, these are risky picks, so I grabbed some fill-ins. Plus, there’s so many guys on waivers that a lot of this team might be gone by May. Plus-plus, I need to fill-in for Fun the Jewels until he returns on 4/20. Smoke ’em if you got ’em! Speaking of which about Jordan Walker or Jarred Kelenic, if you’re not drafting upside in a 12-team mixed league, you’re not drafting correctly. Waivers is stacked. If you need a guy like Max Kepler, you can get him, you don’t need to draft him. So, you take a flyer on Kelenic, and he becomes a $25 player in-season or he continues his march to Doo Doo Land, and you drop him. Jordan Walker is a bit higher priced for a flyer, but he’s my father! Get out of our family affairs!