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Dylan Cozens, 2017 Fantasy Outlook

November 28, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 50 Comments

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In the minor leagues this year, Dylan Cozens had 40 HRs and 21 steals, winning the Top Offensive Player award.  Ha.  Dubya tee eff.  His minor league numbers are so insane they call up Gary Busey and ask for his advice.  His minor league numbers are so crazy they voted for Trump simply because Scott Baio endorsed him.  His minor league stats are so bonkers that they want to marry Blac Chyna and try to make her a housewife.  His minor leagues stats are so stupid they threw paint on a dog because it was wearing fur.  I call this the Cozens.  It’s similar to The Dozens, but with Cozens.  Ask a Mormon wife whose hat that is and she says, “Husbands.”  These rhymes I’m Putin out there are from Russland.  All that hair is on your back land, not Bob.  I’m eating pigeon but all fancy like squab.  Got a buddy named Robert who has a green afro and I call him broccoli raab.  Aw…yeah!  It’s my rap alter ego, B-Fire!  Get some crunk juice, snitches!  Okay, not sure where that came from but sometimes shizz needs to be freestyled, or in this case, free-stDylan.  Anyway, what can we expect from Dylan Cozens for 2017 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

D’Backs Taijuan On With Ketel One

November 25, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 65 Comments

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Happy Black Friday!  Oops, sorry, I mean Happy African-American Friday!  As I type this, I’m being trampled at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  “There’s enough Scrub Daddys for everyone!”  The Diamondbacks got a head start on Black Friday sales on Wednesday when they traded Jean Segura, Mitch Haniger and Zac Curtis to the Mariners for Taijuan Walker and Ketel Marte.  What’s that old axiom, if you don’t know who the sucker is at the table, you’re the sucker.  Mariners, you’re the sucker.  If anyone forgot that the Diamondbacks fired Dave Stewart immediately following the end of the season, this was a reminder.  If Stewart were still there, the Diamondbacks would’ve traded Greinke for Todd Walker.  As Dave Stewart would say after reading that, “I’m not mad at ya.”  Don’t love the move to Chase Field for Walker, but the NL West makes that medicine go down a little easier, chim chiminy chim chiminy chim chim cher-ee!  Walker had a 8 K/9 and 2.5 BB/9 last year in 134 1/3 IP.  That goes up to 8.5 in the NL West and he’s pretending to yawn as he puts his arm around a low to mid-3 ERA.  The only thing that’s stopping you from nodding your head like a plus-size Pez is that Walker hasn’t done it yet.  He’s only 24 years old, not doing it yet isn’t a great excuse for never doing it.  For 2017, I’ll give him the projections of 12-11/3.44/1.18/153 in 160 IP.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2017 fantasy baseball:

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Grey

Jesse Winker, 2017 Fantasy Outlook

November 22, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 102 Comments

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I’m going to cackle very shortly.  It’s going to be a full-throated cackle.  The cackle to end all cackles.  The cackle that has you turning around in your seat at the movie theater to look at me.  Okay, here it comes.  Jesse Winker hit three homers last year in 448 Triple-A plate appearances.  THREE?!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  I CAN’T FEEL MY FACE!  OH MY GOD, MY HEART!!!  “Here lies a man who loved baseball as much as his much older woman and he was totally healthy until he saw how many homers Winker hit in a full season of at-bats.  I, the tombstone, would tell you how many homers it was that Winker hit but I’m afraid you might die too.  You’re welcome.”  Damn, my tombstone is considerate!  Three homers in 448 PAs?  How is that even possible?  Sorry, some of you might need a primer.  Three homers from a 65-steal type makes sense.  Winker had zero steals last year.  Again, some of you might need more info.  Winker is considered a top prospect.  Or was, I guess.  The one positive, and it is big, he has insane plate discipline.  He had a .397 OBP and hit .303 in Triple-A last year while walking and striking out exactly at 13.2% of the time.  Terrific for both.  Plus, that’s some crazy OCD to walk and strike out 59 times for both.  That’s As Good As It Gets, now put your neighbor’s dog down the garbage chute!  Anyway, what can we expect from Jesse Winker for 2017 fantasy baseball?

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Grey

Bradley Zimmer, 2017 Fantasy Outlook

November 21, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 83 Comments

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Looking at Bradley Zimmer‘s minor league stats is like this, “Damn, girl, you look good,” and you follow her with your eyes from her legs up until you get to her face when you realize it’s your sister and you nearly vomit.  An illustration:  there’s a suitcase labeled Bradley Zimmer.  You begin to unpack the suitcase and you find solid power.  Next thing you know you find great speed.  The ability to walk is in there too.  Nice!  Then, you see that your toiletries have exploded and you have toothpaste all over the ability to lay off a curve and there’s Ks all over the place.  NO!  Not on my one pair of fancy jeans!  I’m Crest-fallen, pun noted and intended.  Everywhere I look Zimmer is considered a top 25 prospect.  Prospector Ralph has him as a top 10 prospect in his top 100 fantasy baseball prospect list, Baseball America has him at 26 overall, MLB has him at 25 and Prospector Ralph’s other half Halp from the Prospect Podcast has him at 15.  Of course, BA and MLB need to be taken with a grain of salt and more weight should be placed on Ralph and Halp (shouldn’t they just be Halph?).  They’re not more important here simply because they’re Razzball, but because BA and MLB are considering real baseball not fantasy.  So, what can we expect from Bradley Zimmer for 2017 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Alex Reyes, 2017 Fantasy Outlook

November 18, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 73 Comments

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The Cardinals said Alex Reyes will be in the rotation to start the year.  Schwing.  Or, in relation to him, schwing and miss.  If I haven’t mentioned this before (I have but deal with it), I focus on redrafts with rookies.  I want to know what a guy is going to do in 2017.  A good way to eliminate a lot of mystery is to hire a talking dog and a group of stoner kids.  One dog; you can keep Scrappy-Doo.  Another way to eliminate mystery is to focus on players that have already gotten a strong taste in the majors.  *reaches into top hat*  Ali Cadabra… Ali Kazam… Alex Reyes.  Frank Voila!   A rookie has a starting job for 2017 and I’m immediately more interested in said rookie over said rookie who has unsaid starting job.  Then you throw in the Cards, whose pitching admittedly looked like crizzap last year, but they have history on their side of being better than they should be.  Or herstory if one of our five girl readers are following along.  Or theirstory if we have Social Justice Warriors reading and they just can’t stand non-gender neutral language.  Not to completely 180 this snitch, I don’t know how Alex Reyes is supposed to be in the rotation when they already have five without him.  It’s all right, Lance Lynn, Mike Leake, Jaime Garcia and Adam Wainwright have never seen an unexpected injury they can’t get themselves into, so Reyes will get his innings, and he can’t throw 200 next year anyway.  So, what can we expect from Alex Reyes for 2017 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Clint Frazier, 2017 Fantasy Outlook

November 17, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 146 Comments

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Can I yawn on someone’s face?  The floors are moving up on prospects and ceilings are lowering.  It feels like with the promotion of Alex Bregman the minor leagues lost a lot of high octane prospects.  Moncada has a chance to be a 1st or 2nd round fantasy guy one day; Prospector Ralph has a fathead for Benintendi and I don’t mean a life-sized wall decal of Benintendi; Judge could hit 40 HRs and .210 and Manuel Margot, well, good but Padres.   What I’m saying is the high minors are sorta depleted right now.  I don’t see a huge rookie bat coming up this year.  Next year might be an issue too depending on how well Brendan Rodgers progresses this year, but rookies are always going to surprise and, hence, their allure.  That reminds me of a magazine that Cougs put into my bathroom that I’ve been subjected to reading when I forget my phone, it’s called Allure.  The previous two sentences could’ve also been Pitbull lyrics, rhyming allure with Allure.  Interesting iambic pentameter, Mr. Bull.  So, all of this rambling preamble — preramble? — brings us to the gingie one, Clint Frazier.  He was traded to the Yankees (with others) this past year for Andrew Miller.  I love that deal for the Indians.  On one hand, one of the best relievers in baseball.  On the other hand, a lottery ticket.  This gingie wasn’t one of those Powerball lottery tickets either.  This lottery ticket looks to be one of those scratch-offs where you win $500 a year for ten years.  Would you take $500/year for ten years?  Sure, why not?  Would you trade away a top five reliever for it?  Unlikely, but I also might’ve mixed metaphors.  Anyway, so what can we expect from Clint Frazier for 2017 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Manuel Margot, 2017 Fantasy Outlook

November 15, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 74 Comments

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Manuel Margot reminds me of an Uber ride I took recently.  I was heading to the airport with Cougs and I said to our Uber driver, “Are you Panamanian?”  And he nodded his head rapidly, shocked like someone who just had their weight guessed at a carnival.  He asked me how I could tell, so rather than telling him how I knew, I said I lived in Panama for the past ten years.  My Spanish wasn’t the least bit convincing for someone who supposedly lived there for the last decade.  “Yo tengo beisbol,” I said with a smile.  He looked confused; I guessed his nationality, but had no hard data to backup the how.  Finally, we got to the airport and stepped out of the Uber ride, when Cougs was like, “How did you know he was Panamanian?”  I said it was obvious, he looked exactly like Manuel Noriega, but I wasn’t telling him that.  Our Uber driver and Noriega could’ve literally had a face-off with their pockmarks.  Any hoo!  How does this remind me of Manuel Margot besides his name?  His stats say this guy is going to be great, but I look at him and I see one thing:  Padres.  That big dopey monk swinging a bat.  Is it me or does the Swinging Friar look like Ed Asner in a muumuu with a phone cord belt?  Meh, prolly me.  So, what can we expect from Manuel Margot for 2017 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Lewis Brinson, 2017 Fantasy Outlook

November 14, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 68 Comments

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Nomar Mazara was ownable for a good part of this past year in all redraft leagues.  He waned a little towards the end of the year, but, as a rookie, Mazara had 20 homers and hit .266, which is more than respectable.  What does this have to do with Lewis Brinson?  Glad you asked, Clunky Segue Question.  Lewis Brinson was ranked higher than Nomar Mazara in the Rangers’ minor league system entering last season.  Then Lewis Brinson and Luis Ortiz were sent to the Brewers in a midseason Lucroy trade.  By the way, Luis/Lewis is the Spanish version of tomato-tomahto.  Brinson above Mazara though, well, interjection, that makes me say hmm… That’s interesting, because, like Mary J. Blige, I have real love for Mazara.  So, I went to look at tape of Brinson and now I’m typing this with my drool.

Damn, that’s some gorge shizz that’s got me engorged.  He looks like a young Alex Rios.  It’s hard to separate ourselves from what Rios became, but a young Rios was a perennial top 10 outfielder.  Okay, a bi-perennial, but that was more to do with Rios’ attitude and less to do with his talent.  An art collector friend told me, “If you give a piece of art a few seconds, you get a few seconds of pleasure.  If you give a piece of art more time, you get more from it.”  That GIF is like a piece of art that you keep getting more from the more you look at it.  We first see his swing (against what looks like Brad Penny), but you can see his speed just by how he leaves the batter’s box.  If one swing can show you a five-tool player, I’d contend that swings does it.  He should have “Fun Zone” above him every time he swings.  You can also tell how far that homer goes by the pitcher and 2nd baseman’s reaction.  There’s people on a trampoline in right-center expressing their enthusiasm for Brinson and, as the outfield fence tells us, we’re getting Intel from looking at this.  Finally, who is Brinson?  H.E.B….Or simply he be…This.  Oh, and I have an art collector friend?  *makes farting noise with hand under armpit*  Ha!  Anyway, what can we expect from Lewis Brinson for 2017 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

A.J. Reed, 2017 Fantasy Outlook

November 11, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 131 Comments

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Can a guy already feel like a bust before losing his rookie eligibility?  With the help of A.J. Reed, I’m going to say yes.  Already post-hype prospect while still being a rookie?  Already past his prime at 23 years old?  Reed is accelerating expectations, which isn’t nearly as good as exhilarating expectations.  It’s actually much worse.  Like a barista who can’t make foam worth a damn, Reed was a first cup of coffee flop.  Could it have been nerves or did we overestimate his potential?  In 2015, Reed hit 34 HRs across High and Double-A with an average north of .335.  Then, last year in Triple-A, he hit 15 HRs and .291 in half a season.  He averaged about five homers per month with a solid average, which translates to 30 HRs and .270 in the majors, with all things being almost equal.  “With All Things Being Almost Equal” sounds like one of the dozen of books written by Dave Eggers that no one has read.  “Oh my God, I love Dave Eggers!”  “Have you read anything by him after his debut book?”  “God no.”  That is every conversation about Eggers since 2002.  Okay, off track!  Anyway, what can we expect from A.J. Reed for 2017 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Tyler Glasnow, 2017 Fantasy Outlook

November 10, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 86 Comments

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Jameson Taillon threw 104 IP last year and had a 3.38 ERA with a microscopic 1.5 BB/9 and an it’ll-play 7.4 K/9 coming off his 94 MPH fastball.  I love Taillon.  I can’t wait to draft him on every 2017 fantasy baseball team.  Oh, the days will be fun when I can, said Grey sipping Cognac from a Pirate helmet snifter.  Yet, said with a megaphone, I CAN’T FIND ANYONE THAT DOESN’T THINK TYLER GLASNOW IS MUCH BETTER.  Like Taillon is a three, maybe two — it’s very hard to be a ten with a flat curve — and Glasnow is a bona fide ace.  Together they do sound like a wrestling team Rowdy Roddy Piper (RIP) tried to get over, saying they were from Scotland.  “Glasnow is close to Glasgow and Jameson Taillon doesn’t need any work to sell.  I mean, Taillon is the chain hanging the metal medallion from a kilt and Jameson’s whiskey.  Nuff said.”  That was McMahon pitching the idea to Roddy in the 80s.  On last midseason’s top 100 prospects by Prospector Ralph, Glasnow was 2nd overall.  Prospector Ralph once took an 8×10 of Andrew Benintendi into a hot tub and asked his wife to give him ten minutes.  And PR put Glasnow above Benintendi!  Prospector Ralph once wore a Red Sox eye patch for a week, walking around saying, “My name is Yoan Moncada, you killed my father, prepare to die.”  And Glasnow is above Moncada!  So, maybe ETAs played into that ranking a tad bit — by the way, Tad Bit wanted to be a porn actor, but didn’t have the stuff — but Glasnow is obviously well-loved.  Other places you look, Glasnow has similar fervor.  Or, if Peggy Lee is reading, you give me fervor.  Anyway, what can we expect from Tyler Glasnow for 2017 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Raimel Tapia, 2017 Fantasy Outlook

November 8, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 92 Comments

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Hehe, I’m crazy for Rockies players.  You know why, so don’t play coy, though your baby blues are kinda cute when you’re playing coy.  Okay, play coy, walk to the end of the bar and look back and wink.  What the hell are you doing?!  I was being facetious!  Ugh, now I have to imagine you give me the looksies!  By the way, speaking of someone giving you the looksies, but not for good, but rather for evil.  I was at my local coffee place the other day, and, it was early, and I needed my coffee to function, and I was likely in the wrong, but that’s neither here nor there.  So, you know how the fancy coffee places have the lids by the garbage rather than putting them on?  I get my coffee and I head over for a lid.  A girl that was at the lid station backs up right as I get there and I narrowly avoid her and slide in to the garbage ledge by the lids.  Pretty slick maneuver, if I do say so.  However, it turns out by doing that I cut in front of a little person who had a steaming hot cup of coffee and also wanted to get a lid.  So, he stares at me like he wants to kill me and I say, “What?”  Well, that sets him off from zero to hundred and he starts screaming, “WHAT?!  WHAT?!”  Repeatedly.  And all I see is his cup of coffee potentially being thrown in my face, so I say, “Sorry, I didn’t see you there.”  And I think he took this to mean he was so short I couldn’t have saw him, so he starts cursing at the top of his lungs and staring me down until an employee of the coffee place steps between us.  Yes, I nearly got into an altercation with an angry little person at 7:30 AM on a Saturday.  Offseason!  So, like I was saying, Rockies players, rawr!  Today’s special installment is about Raimel Tapia.  He was called up this past year in September, which is obviously a less angry cup of coffee.  He saw 38 ABs, hit .263 and stole three bases.  This is not the last we’ve seen of him!  Actually, it was the first.  Anyway, what can we expect from Raimel Tapia in 2017 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Josh Bell, 2017 Fantasy Outlook

November 7, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Rookies | 81 Comments

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More guys this year than any other year just fell below 130 ABs, the Rookie of the Year threshold that I use for these fantasy baseball rookie outlook post-ma-whosies.  Dansby Swanson, Josh Bell, A.J. Reed, dot dot dot, well, I guess that’s it, but still that’s a lot from what I remember, though, to be fair, it’s not like ‘how many guys just fell short of losing rookie eligibility’ is something I’d remember from past years.  Though, there might be something to a guy being on a team for 45 games and losing rookie eligibility which could be Dansby and Reed, but that’s not the criteria I use.  This is more pedantic than an employee meeting at the Apple Store to tell employees that they are now to call the store “Apple” and not “Apple Store.”  (The preceding was an actual Apple employee discussion from what I heard.  I’d tell you who told me but then that Apple employee would be killed.  They don’t play.)  So, onto Josh Bell.  Why does he sound so familiar?  His name rings a…what’s the word for one of those clangy things?  I’m having a brain… What’s it called when you poop air?  Oh, I know, he’s one of the top Pirate hitter prospects who came up this year and hit a grand slam in his 2nd career at-bat as a pinch hitter.  A pinch hitter because C*nt Hurdle kept going with John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt at 1st base.  Why call up Bell when they had no intention of playing him?  Will Bell play?  Let’s segue this bizzatch into the 2nd paragraph… Anyway, what can we expect from Josh Bell for 2017 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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