Stop Screwing With That Voodoo Dahl Gerardo Or You’ll Parralyze Him

JB and I went to spring training this past weekend in Arizona.  Had some great meals, drank some iced Cuban coffees that I tried to order as an ‘iced Puig,’ saw way too many Angels games, obviously went to a Brewers game, and enjoyed my very first six-foot, seven-inch spooning.  I needed JB’s oversized spoon after hearing about David Dahl and his rib injury.  He has a stress reaction of his sixth rib, and I have a stress reaction with many expletives.  You can’t spell David Dahl without dah.  Seriously, I tried.  Now, I can’t see his name without thinking it’s really “Dah!”  Rockies manager Bud Black said that Opening Day is out of the question.  I moved him out of my top 20 outfielders and into my top 40 outfielders.  I still would draft him, even if he’s no longer in my top 100 overall.   The Rockies said Gerardo Parra will fill-in for Dah!, and I’d draft Parra in the last rounds as a flyer just in case Dah!’s injury turns out to be worse than thought.  I just jinxed him, didn’t I?  Dah!  By the by, between Charlie Blackmon and manager, Bud Black, the Rockies have so many white guys trying to take advantage of affirmative action, they should sign C. Thomas Howell star of Soul Man.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this spring training for fantasy baseball:

David Price – Red Sox claim that Price won’t need surgery and just some rest.  Can you feel my eye roll?  When I use the word ‘claim,’ we’re in massive eye roll territory.  I moved Price down into my top 40 starters, and I’d still obviously not go anywhere near him.

Robert Gsellman – The Mets announced that Zack Wheeler is having elbow soreness, which is about as surprising as a big-boned Hawaiian girl punching you in the face if you say, “Wanna get lei’d?”  All indications are that Gsellman will be breaking camp with the Mets as their fifth starter.  Great news for Gsellman in the short term, but, of course, this means the Mets are going to overuse him and he’ll be garbage next year, and not the good garbage that you can turn into post-modern art.  I’ve updated the top 80 starters and top 100 starters, moving up Gsellman and moving down Wheeler.  This also moved guys around in my pitchers’ pairing tool. Hehe, I said tool.

Matt Harvey – Was rocked the other day in his spring debut.  I don’t put too much weight in spring performances.  You should just be looking to see if guys are healthy and winning starting jobs.  Well, Harvey is someone you should be watching for health.  He said he had soreness, but it’s nothing to worry about, which brings me to my point (finally!).  In my post about Yahoo’s rankings, I said, “I want no part of Matt Harvey in any league.  Okay, one league, the league where you have a category: Times A Pitcher Says He Is Healthy While Not Being Healthy, because you know he’s going to dominant that category.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Looks like Harvey is already in midseason form for saying he’s healthy when he’s not.

Huston Street – Has a Grade 1 lat strain, which got its name because the first Grade 1 lat strain happened during a heated game of Chutes and Lat’ers.  I always had Cam Bedrosian as my first Angels reliever to draft in my top 500 and this doesn’t change anything.  My Bedrosian ranking is pretty conservative because I don’t trust The Sciosciapath to use Bedrosian if Street returns healthy and the Angels are just not a good team.

Trevor Rosenthal – His sore right lat showed no structural damage.  Mean’s while, his fantasy value has shown great structural damage and his foundation appears built on quicksand.

Tyson Ross – Threw a 15-pitch bullpen session yesterday off a mound for the first time since his thoracic outlet syndrome surgery last October.  He’s still a good two months away from returning, assuming no setbacks, and assuming makes an ass out of u and Ming the Merciless.

Nomar Mazara – Moved him a little lower in my rankings, into the top 60 outfielders.  No, I’m not yelling fire in the theater of Razzball, but everywhere I look it appears Mazara is going to be in a platoon to at least start the year, so I moved him down to better represent his possible platoon.  I still have him ranked above most and would draft him more as a third to fourth outfielder rather than a second to third.

Corey Seager – Could be out until Friday with back soreness.  I haven’t moved him yet in my rankings, but I already have him ranked much lower than just about any other ‘pert.  I don’t hate Seager, but as I talk about on the podcast that’s coming later today that JB and I taped live in Arizona, Seager’s lack of steals really doesn’t move my needle.  By needle I mean what you think I mean.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – Scheduled to make his Cactus League debut on Saturday.  Or is that Cacturday?

Scott Kazmir – Left yesterday’s start with tightness in his hip.  A March Kazmir injury is an iceberg that Captain Obvious crashes into.  I’ve updated my top 100 starters.

Brett Lawrie – Released from the White Sox.  “That’s freakin’ crazy!” said my 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015 Brett Lawrie sleeper posts.  Taking over for Lawrie is Yolmer Sanchez aka Carlos Sanchez.  Going with Chuck Sanchez, Carlo Sanchez or Charlie Sanchez are brain leaps I can hurdle, going from Carlos to Yolmer is just so unnecessarily confusing, especially for a guy that is projected for six homers, six steals and .230 while hitting ninth.  I removed Lawrie from my top 20 2nd basemen, and didn’t add in Yolmer, because the name change annoyed me.  Plus, he’s awful.

Manuel Margot – Dealing with minor swelling in his knee.  Sounds like it should be fine, and Manuel said, “A little rest is all I knee’d.”  Ouch, no one ever called Margot ‘kidder.’

Jumbo Diaz – Designated for assignment by the Reds.  Member when people thought he’d be the closer?  “Jumbo closer” turned out to be as big of an oxymoron as jumbo shrimp.