J.A. Happ might’ve realized he wasn’t staying with the Jays much longer when guys in the front office kept asking him if he liked the team’s new jersey and it was the same jersey he had been wearing but a small man with a goatee, who said he worked as Peter Dinklage’s stunt double for parts of season 2 and 3 of GOT, was standing with his hand over the ‘Ja’ of Jays. Happ tried to understand, “Do I like the Blue Ys?” The front office exec tried to lead him to the answer, “If there was no,” motioning to Dinklage’s stunt double’s hand covering the ‘Ja,’ “In the Jays, would that be okay with you?” Rather than the low-rent game of charades, they just traded him to the Yankees. Happ should be happy to be out of Canada, we have a burgeoning coal economy. No idea what Happ will do on the Yankees, but what he SHOULD (caps for emphasis, not due to a sticky keyboard) is be great. His 10.3 K/9, 2.8 BB/9 and 3.63 xFIP makes him easily the 2nd best pitcher on the Yankees and around that of a top 30 starter. Also, the AL East is like this: J.A. Happ mimes wiping dandruff off his shoulder. Nothing to it, kid! Of course, it’s been like this all year and he still has a 4.18 ERA, so ‘should’ and ‘would’ can have a baby and it will still be, ‘who knows?’ Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Red Sox Add Eovaldi As A Paisan For Porcello
July 26, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 337 Commentsby: Grey
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Nathan Eovaldi was sent to the Red Sox for Jalen Beeks. That’s right, Beeks in Tropicana. Orange you glad they’re Trading Places? We can only hope Dan Aykroyd comes to the games in black face to switch out Beeks’ briefcase. *insert Eddie Murphy laugh* Sigh. I miss Eddie Murphy. Speaking of aging comedians, I was watching Comedians in Cars Yadda and, boy, Jerry Seinfeld got old and bitter, right? He’s becoming Robert Klein, Jerry Lewis and, well, lots of old comedians. Any hoo! Eovaldi is getting passed around the AL East like Johnny Damon. Thankfully, he can throw better than him. Moving to Fenway does not help Eovaldi. I won’t tell you he had a 2.12 ERA at home and a 5.18 ERA in away games, except to tell you that while telling you I won’t say it. It’s not completely fair, though, because players are just better at home, in general, wherever that home is, but Fenway is unforgiving, especially if you’re not white. (I kid.) Eovaldi should provide value in the right matchups, but he’s far from a ‘start every time out’ guy. As for Beeks, he was placed inside a gorilla suit and shipped off to a much better landing spot. He appeared on Prospector Ralph’s top 500 fantasy baseball prospects list. You scrolling for him, “Uh…Um….Is he here….Where is he….Oh, there. Geez.” Yeah, he’s deep, and he’s simply a streamer for this year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Yankees Have Revolutionary Thought, Make Up With Britton
July 25, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 368 Commentsby: Grey
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Zach Britton was traded to the Yankees. The Yankees acquired Britton to throw out all Boston players’ tea. Now the Yankees just need to acquire Ben Revere to ride into Boston and tell everyone in Fenway what’s up. “Excuse me, Jimmy McMalley, should we Google when the Yankees are coming to town next?” “I don’t think that’s necessary, Shane O’Irishharvard, the Yankees have a lovely black gentleman riding into town named Revere with a Britton” “Splendid, Jimmy, splendid.” And that’s how Massholes discuss current events. Britton now moves about three innings from the ninth. Is he gonna pitch the 6th? Not sure, to be honest, but he’s not closing, so in most leagues you can drop him. As for Baltimore’s new closer? Like neon scrunchies, what’s old is new again, and Brad Brach should regain the closer job. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Poncedeleon Discovers Something More Useful Than Florida
July 24, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 457 Commentsby: Grey
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Yesterday, Daniel Poncedeleon was called up and threw no hitter (thru seven innings and then was pulled from game while striking out three hitters, but it’s more fun to say he threw a no-hitter, so ignore this). Incredibly, Poncedeleon is 478 years old, and he could be the ROY. *intern whispers in my ear* That’s an F? What the hell is, ‘He could be a FOY?’ The fountain of the year? What are you talking about? Rookie of the youth? What are you talking about? Sorry, having a miscommunication with my intern. Any hoo! In Triple-A, he had a 10.1 K/9 — up my giddy! — a 4.7 BB/9 — put my roll on slow! — a 2.15 ERA — getting the fever! — with a 4.99 xFIP — so I’m taking some ‘Tussin. He might surprise some major league lineups, but he could easily go out and destroy you. By the way, Bartolo Colon is so intent on 300 wins that he might follow Poncedeleon wherever he goes. On the reals, Poncedeleon’s dad in the stands after his son threw seven no-hit innings gave me the feels, especially when you figure his dad has to be at least 498 years old. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?[brid autoplay=”true” video=”272636″ player=”10951″ title=”Fantasy Baseball Buy Sell Hold Week 17″]
DJ LeMahieu hit the DL with an oblique injury, and is out for months. It happened when DJ was carrying a crate of records. “Aunt Audrey is requesting the Electric–Side! My side!” As DJ collapsed into a heap of bar mitzvah party favors he’d collected. Garrett Hampson (0-for-3) was called up to fill in for him, and I tried to add him everywhere. Prospector Ralph had him in his top 100 fantasy baseball prospects, and said, “Hampson brings a nice mix of plus contact and plus-plus base running ability. With his combination of contact, speed, and plate approach he has a shot to carve out a niche as a top of the order run producer, which is different than Grey who is a ‘runs producer,’ as in he produces crap.” Hey! Hampson could have a 6 HR, 15 steal 2nd half, or, knowing the Rockies, Hampson will sit on the bench four out of five games while Pat Valaika plays. I wish these were laughter tears. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?[brid autoplay=”true” video=”272636″ player=”10951″ title=”Fantasy Baseball Buy Sell Hold Week 17″]
Since there was only one game this week and players haven’t been able to get hot or cold or humid, this Buy/Sell is going to be slightly different. This Buy/Sell includes players that are owned in more than 50% of leagues. Okay, that’s not different for the Sells, but it does change the Buys. “Hello? No, not trying to change them, I’m talking about B-U-Y-S. Thanks, you too!” That was GLAAD calling me about potential insensitivity. I have not triggered anyone in almost three days, unless you count that fisherman I saw with a pipe that I called “Hipster Popeye.” As I mentioned in my top 100 for the 2nd half of 2018 fantasy baseball, my biggest Buy of the 2nd half is Brian Dozier. He’s about to come on in the 2nd half like he’s Mickey Maris in 1927 with Barry Bonds’s personal trainer. For the 2nd half, I gave Dozier the projections of 44/17/47/.274/5 in 265 ABs. Every single year he attacks the 2nd half like a shark attacks a tourist floating on a side beef. Hey, tourists, don’t float on a side of beef! That is rule number one. Literally all rules in the world come after that rule. You absolutely should buy Dozier, and on the pronto. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Top 100 for 2nd Half of 2018 Fantasy Baseball
July 17, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Rankings | 671 Commentsby: Grey
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Welcome, prematurely balding men and five women who are married to prematurely balding men and decided if you can’t beat them, join them! Make yourself comfortable, this is gonna be a long post. Here, enjoy some coffee. Oops, you just drank rat poison. I should’ve used different mugs. Don’t worry, it can’t be worse than owning Byron Buxton in the 1st half. Oh, you owned him and that’s why you drank the poison! Now, I’m following! Hey, I’m supposed to be leading! Before we get into the top 100 for the 2nd half of 2018 fantasy baseball, let’s just be glad our 18-year-old selves can’t see us now, we’d get beat up! But our twelve-year-old selves would think we’re the coolest! So, as with all of the other 2018 fantasy baseball rankings, take this list with a grain of salt. If you need a 2nd baseman, but an outfielder is above him that doesn’t mean you can’t trade that outfielder for that 2nd baseman. Also, things change in fantasy baseball. Daily. I could put Jose Ramirez number four on the top 100 list for the second half of 2018 and he could pull a–Well, we won’t even mention an injury with Jo-Ram. Why soil a good thing, ya know? This list is a road map for where I think guys are valued. It’s not the Holy Grail in the Church of Grey, that would be my mustache. This list is NOT (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) where I see guys ending up if you were to take their first half and combine it with the 2nd half. This is simply a list of the top hundred fantasy baseball players if you were to pick them up today. So while Bryce Harper did not have the greatest first half, he will appear on this list because, well, we have to believe in miracles — my 12-year-old self would want that, and to sleep with Cher. The projections are not their combined 1st half and 2nd half numbers; these are their projections for the 2nd half of 2018. I also liberally used our rest of the season Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. That’s right, we have a Player Rater that tells you what players will do. It’s like that camera from The Twilight Zone. Welcome to the future! Anyway, here’s the top 100 for fantasy baseball for the 2nd half of 2018:
Please, blog, may I have some more? We’re All On A Break (But Matheny’s Will Be Longer)
July 16, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 363 Commentsby: Grey
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*visoring your eyes with your hand, squinting at the light as you emerge from your mother’s basement* “Hey, mom, it’s the All-Star break and I thought I’d come up to say hello.” Where the house once stood, it’s now a Whole Foods, and you’re standing in the cheese aisle. Confused, you approach a man in Birkenstocks, “Excuse me, is this 450 Palm Terrace Road?” “It is.” “Wasn’t there a row of houses here?” “Back in March, they bulldozed this area when the yuppies won a city ordinance that says there needs to be a Whole Foods within at least three-quarters of a mile of another Whole Foods.” You reel back, overwhelmed with how your family is gone and how you’ve been living in a Whole Foods basement. You turn to an employee, “I need to sit down, and can I get a free sample of any cheese?” You smile, revealing Cheetos-dusted teeth, and thus begins your All-Star break. Tomorrow, I’ll drop the top 100 for the 2nd half, then there will be a Buy/Sell again Friday morning. One guy who will have extra time this All-Star break will be Mike Matheny. Last week it was revealed, Mike McNulty set up a sting operation in the Cards’ bullpen to see if everyone was doing their best with Bud “Bubbles” Norris as his informant. Then when the Cards fired Donnie Brasco Matheny, he might’ve took his informant with him, because Jordan Hicks (1 IP, 1 ER) got Sunday’s save and Norris came down with mysterious arm concerns. I’d absolutely grab Hicks. You know what’s the difference between Hicks and Norris? One makes you say, “Ooh MPH…” The other makes you say, “Oompha.” Also, usually I ignore trade rumors, but at this time of the year, you should be extra vigilant about backing up closers because at any point in the next two weeks a closer could get traded and you don’t want to leave it up to getting to the waiver wire before everyone else. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more? NickWill Will Help You Get Your Buyzzz
July 13, 2018 | Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 436 Commentsby: Grey
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Nick Williams was a popular preseason breakout target. Or tar-jay, if a soccer mom is reading. Targot, if you just returned from Target. Targo, if you’re eating escargot after going to Target. Tarshouldget, if Target doesn’t carry your size. Tarheel, if you stepped into tar then into Target. Tarnishes, obviously means your Target carries knishes, so you must be in Brooklyn, and it’s ironic. Tarte tatin, you’re wearing a hat made of slow roasted apples on your head in a Target. Whatever Target applies, wanna know why Williams was a popular preseason pick? C’mon, sit on my lap and I’ll tell ya. Metaphorically! Get off my lap, you weirdo! *sprays Lysol on legs* Really wish you didn’t touch my legs. So, Nick Williams had 15 HRs, 5 SBs and a .280 average in his last year of Triple-A, in only 78 games (!). He’s still only 24 years old. I know, he failed to live up to hype last year. OR DID HE?! Ooh, you heard of reversible umbrellas? That was a reversal question. Not similar at all. He only played in 83 games last year, a sloppy prorater would say he could’ve had 24 homers last year and hit .288. Maybe he doesn’t fully break out until next year (yes, he will be a sleeper), but he’s been hot in the last week, and on pace for another 24-homer season and has lowered his Ks. Plus, you don’t need to go to Target to buy him! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?I wanna geek out for a second. You with me? Orf course you are, because I say “Orf course” and you’re still reading! Entering yesterday’s game Anthony Rendon (3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .285) was 19th overall for 3rd basemen on the Player Rater, in a virtual tie with Miguel Andujar and Ryon Healy and right behind Derek Dietrich. Hey, over-the-internet friend, that’s awful. Third basemen are not exactly stacked like hamburgers at IHOB either. There’s seven top tier ones ($17+). For context, there’s ten elite shortstops. There’s 16 shortstops at $11+, and only eleven 3rd basemen. I don’t think you heard me, Derek Dietrich has been more valuable than Rendon so far this year, or sofa if you’re reading in a furniture store. Rendon already spent the 1st half taking the craps out, so, yo, I think he can roll up to 7 at the position by season’s end. The route he’s taken has definitely been the hard way. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
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Was thinking about this the other day. Bear with me, it’s not fully formed (like the rest of this shizz). Is there a higher upside move than becoming a magician? David Blaine scored, Penn & Teller seemed to have done all right for themselves, Siegfried & Roy did fine until that white cat went ape…But how about all of the 18-year-old’s who are like, “Mom, Dad, I’m declining the full ride to Brown. I want to do this…” *pulls sheet off table to reveal their daughter sawed in half* “Oh, crap. Marci?” The world is littered with failed magicians! You want upside? There’s no greater upside call than deciding you want to be a magician for the rest of your life. The Indians team? They’re all freakin’ magicians! Hey, Jose Ramirez (2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 26th and 27th homer), you’re David Blaine! Francisco Lindor (1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer)? You’re David Blaine! Michael Brantley (2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs)? You’re David Blaine! You’re all David Blaine! We even have some David Blaine magic for Jason Kipnis (2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games). If you went Francisco Lindor and Jose Ramirez with your 1st two picks, you’re also a magician, according to the Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. (The other way to look at this theory is only a handful of knuckleheads are actually stupid enough to want to be a magician, and the world is not littered with failed magicians and no one is turning down a free ride to an Ivy League school to become a magician, but we don’t talk about this part of the Upside Magician Theory.) Thank you, Jose Ramirez and Francisco Lindor and all the Indians, I believe your magic is real. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?[brid autoplay=”true” video=”270190″ player=”10951″ title=”Fantasy Baseball Mailbag Week 15″]
Yesterday, Trevor Bauer continued to keep the drool moist on his owners’ chins — 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.30. The other day some ‘perts listed their biggest surprises of the 2nd half, and one (maybe more) talked about how surprised they were about Bauer. Yeah, shocker. *insanely long pause, staring straight ahead* Really, really surprised. *just a dead-eyed stare, slowly picks up Capri Sun, sips real slow on tiny straw, lets out long burp* Yup, no one saw that coming. Yesterday, it was too bad, Cody Allen had an epic Kazaam — 2/3 IP, 6 ER, moving his ERA up to 4.66. I’m just going to sit down for a second. Aw geez, it hurts to sit. I’m going to lie on my stomach. Make the pain go away. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?