At one point in Sunday’s draft, Andy Behrens said to me, “I can’t believe you went to $3 on Peter O’Brien. That’s not on brand for you.” You know what; he’s right. Shame on me for briefly going off brand. Even if it was for a millisecond between bids $2 and $3 on the 35-year-old rookie, Peter O’Brien, who has more holes in his swing than Swiss cheese at a shooting range. Maybe the, um, spirit of drafting on St. Patty’s Day overcame me. Maybe I was hoping O’Brien could make me some hurricanes while I waded in my kiddie pool this summer. It’s Andy Behrens’s brand to draft terrible players. That’s not my brand. I realized that soon enough, Dear Reader. Andy went to $4 and I let him have O’Brien. I suppose if things break right, O’Brien will retire at some point this summer and look kindly on Behrens for drafting him, then offer his services as a babysitter. I don’t need a babysitter; my wife is like a decade older than me! Okay, I’m about to drop on you one of the sexiest NL-Only teams. You might want to place an extra-wide condom over your head, before I impregnate your eyes. Anyway, here’s my Tout Wars 12-team, NL-Only draft recap:
C: Chris Iannetta $5
C: Alex Avila $6
1B: Pete Alonso $10
2B: Enrique Hernandez $8
SS: Trea Turner $38
3B: Manny Machado $30
MI: J.T. Riddle $1
CI: Ryan Zimmerman $12
OF: Juan Soto $33
OF: David Dahl $22
OF: Scott Schebler $4
OF: Dexter Fowler $5
UTIL: Colin Moran $5
UTIL: Garrett Cooper $1
Bench: Melky Cabrera, Juan Lagares
P: Chris Paddack $9
P: Zack Wheeler $19
P: Raisel Iglesias $14
P: Steven Matz $7
P: Jose Quintana $10
P: German Marquez $13
P: Dereck Rodriguez $2
P: Anthony DeSclafani $3
P: Jose Urena $3
Bench: Greg Holland, Andrew Suarez
YOU KNOW I LIKE TO BE THE RATIONAL ONE BETWEEN US, EVEN IF MY CAPS LOCK BELIE THAT, BUT I’M STUNNED SPEECHLESS BY THIS TEAM. WAS THIS A 12-TEAM MIXED LEAGUE?
Mr. Bolden Al Caps, I’m right there with you. There is so much sexy on this team it’s like we’re all bathing in the Playboy grotto, and erotically squirting lotion on each other. Only instead of lotion, it’s Treat Urner, Manny Machado and Juan Soto. Juan freakin’ Soto! For $33? C’mon, brah. Things aren’t supposed to be that easy. This is the same Juan Soto we (I) dubbed Sexy Dr. Pepper last season? This is the same Juan Soto who was 20 years old and had a .406 OBP? This is an OBP league, by the by. If Sexy Dr. Pepper is not a $40 player next year, I will eat my hat. Of course, I’m wearing a hat made of an oversized tostada, but still. That’s a test I like to do with all my high-priced players: Will they be worth the same or more next year? If it’s the same, fine. No harm, no foul. Is it more? Then that’s great, that means I’m going to reap the rewards. Let’s try that test on two random players. Will Juan Soto be worth around $33 or more next year? Yes or no–Too slow! Of course, yes. Will, say, Paul Goldschmidt be worth the same as his draft day price $36 next year or more? I’d say same or less. How is Manny Machado only a $30 player? Is it because he was a head case last year? Last year when he hit 37 homers and stole 14 bags with a .367 OBP? That last year? I don’t care if he’s Johnny Hustle, Charlie Hustle or Doing The Hustle if he’s getting those kind of stats. You’re telling me next year he won’t be at a $30 player if not much more? Please.
I FAINTED AT THE MIDPOINT OF THAT LAST PARAGRAPH. YOU OWN TREAT URNER?! CANDLE — WHICH IS A PORTMANTEAU OF ‘CAN’T HANDLE.’ I’M SHOPPING AT WICKS ‘N STICKS THERE IS SO MUCH TO CANDLE HERE.
I know! I want to own Treat Urner in every league; it hasn’t always happened. However, in an auction, you can have any player you want, and I was not going to let a guy, who I think has a legit chance for a 20/50 season, get away. Or, at worst, he’s a 17/40 guy and only the 10th best player in baseball. Dude’s standing on a roof, and his floor is everyone else’s ceiling. Here’s my team’s projections (as we transition gently to my pitching):
Treat Urner has a 15.8 in SBs, and the 2nd highest overall player value (35.7), behind only Bryce Harper, who is a beast in OBP — and crazy solid in all other categories. Once you get those Urner, Machado and Soto stats, you really don’t need anything else. You just want to avoid major negatives, which I did, and I added David Dahl. I kinda need a nap to deal with how ridiculous it is I own Dahl too. What, the cleanup hitter in Coors who’s about to breakout and cost about $35 next year? That David Dahl? Oh…*climbs Mt. Kilimanjaro* …Kay. Well, as long as I didn’t take anyone else sexy I guess. Wait, what’s that, I also bought Pete R. Alonso? I’m sorry, I’m going to throw my computer out the window if the team stays this good as I head into my pitching recap.
YOU GOT THE EXILED NAZI, GERMAN MARQUEZ, FOR $13. I DON’T KNOW IF I WANNA LAUGH, CRY OR CRY-LAUGH WITH SNORTS.
I’m not sure what happened in the room. I bid German Marquez for $13, and then I must’ve blacked out. Did I really get the sexiest pitcher in baseball for $13? I don’t remember having a coupon for a $10 Coors rebate, but, apparently, I had one. Was it between my Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons? Did my insanely older wife slide the coupon into my glove compartment without me knowing? I love being frugal, but, when you mix frugality with the sexiness of German Marquez, I….I…I…must’ve blacked out. Only thing I can think of. I blacked out, and everyone felt sorry for me so they gave me German Marquez for $13. I already had my quote-unquote ace in Zack Wheeler. I was not intending on drafting an actual ace, but THIRTEEN DOLLARS?! Geez, they took pity on me because I blacked out. Only possible explanation. Could’ve been worse, they could’ve drew a penis on my cheek. Thanks, guys!
OKAY, WE SHOULD PRETEND THIS ISN’T THE BEST NL-ONLY TEAM ANYONE’S LAID EYES ON AND CONSTRUCTIVELY CRITIQUE YOUR WEAKNESSES.
Weakness. One. As in a closer. I meant to draft another low-end closer, but there was no one I was interested in. I could’ve, nay, should’ve drafted Jared Hughes to back-up Raisel. Or grabbed a low-end guy like Melancon or Will Smith, but I couldn’t get jiggy wit’ either. To be middle of the pack in an NL-Only league, you need one great closer, and I think I have that, so maybe with some luck I’ll luck into a 6 or 7 in saves. Push comes to shove, I do believe Archie Bradley is the Diamondbacks’ setup man and not their closer, so my Greg Holland could get saves. Chasing saves with Holland does feel like tilting at windmills.
THIS TEAM WAS SO SEXY WE DIDN’T EVEN MENTION CHRIS PADDACK, EXCEPT FOR THIS SLOPPY APOPHASIS.
I know! I need to go take a long steam and smoke a cigar. This team has me all spent. *chucks computer out window*