Felix Hernandez went 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners with 8 Ks, but wasn’t the best pitcher in yesterday’s gaymey. Damn! I wrote the preceding sentence in drool hanging from my mouth while looking at Chris Archer‘s stats, and got to the very end before my drool failed me, sorta like Boxberger failed the Rays. This post will be one part fawning over Archer, two parts awe and three parts peyote. Speaking of peyote, why are there jam bands, but not jelly bands? I put on 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover by Garfunkel’s old partner and fell asleep. When I woke, I started singing, “Chris, there is something you can do to make me smile again. I said I appreciate that and would you please explain the fifty ways you can fix my ratios. You just throw a backdoor curve, swerve! Make a new game plan, man! You don’t need to be coy, 12 Ks — oh, boy! Just get yourself free to pitch every fifth day! Hop on the Nats bus and explain it to Effin Strasburg! You don’t need to discuss much because you are so clutch! Just drop off the key and stay with me! There’s fifty ways I can leave my Cougar!” Yesterday, Archer’s line was 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 12 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.12. Fancy area code you got there! The crazy thing is his K-rate is 10.9, walk rate is 2.7 and xFIP is 2.59, which means he’s as good as he seems. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brad Boxberger – 1 IP, 3 ER. We’ve got a closer competition, y’all! Jake McGee’s looked about as pretty as Willie McGee, but Boxberger has been no Happy Meal, either. I’d own both, if I had room, but I’d likely bench them to see how it plays out over the next few days. More than likely, McGee grabs hold of the job.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. 36 homers seems about right to expect from him, so, yeah, you’re halfway there, and more than half of the games still to play. You do the math! Seven? What is that the answer to? What math are you doing?
Eduardo Rodriguez – Called up by the Red Sox to spot start, and rumored taking Kelly’s rotation spot (though he could replace any of the Sox starters). I searched for Rodriguez on my waiver wire, stared at his name for about five minutes, then shut that browser window without making the move. I like my spleen and don’t want to get roofied. With that said (reversal time!), his minor league numbers are terrific. Like that ice cold Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold, that mallow in your marsh. In Triple-A, 8.2 K/9, 1.30 BB/9, a 2.39 FIP and he hits 94 MPH with his fastball and throws a hard change and slider. Hayzeus Cristo, that’s lovely. But AL East, Fenway, rookie lumps, and I’d only grab him in deep leagues if he starts up.
Rusney Castillo – Day-to-day with a sore shoulder. Why do I get the feeling that he’s not only like Victorino when it comes to stats, but also when it comes to injuries?
Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers (6, 7). If might were height, Pedroia would be a power forward in the NBA.
Phil Hughes – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.59. Well, I’ve seen enough, have you? Yeah, I figured. We gave him a chance to right himself and he looks like a streamer, so let’s treat him like that. The Stream-o-Nator hates his next start, so I’d drop him in most mixed leagues.
Eddie Rosario – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Partially to blame for Rosario looking good is the Red Sox pitching. He’s not much more than maybe the faintest of hot schmotatoes.
Brad Hand – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. You know who’s Hand’s biggest cheerleader? Jim Abbott.
Christian Yelich – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. All Yelich owners should thank the mad rush to drop Yelich in all leagues that started around Thursday of last week. Too bad if you weren’t able to buy him low before yesterday. I’m guessing savvy owners aren’t selling anymore. But that’s why I play in leagues I find on Craigslist titled, “Savvy fantasy owners need not apply!”
Justin Bour – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .368. As I’ve said previously, “He’s just a poor man’s Loney. I will call him Baloney.” And that’s me quoting me! Then frequent commenter, Awesome Auger, added in the comments, “A poor man’s Loney sounds terribly *pinkie to mouth* Bouring.”
Dee Gordon – 3-for-4 and his 19th steal, hitting .376. What’s Happening, Dee’s got more spunk than Semien!
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.11. I feel blessed to emerge from the Starterpocalypse with a 3.13 ERA and 1.14 WHIP in the RCL. Cole was my spirit animal making it through the roughest of stretches. Chris Archer and Carrasco didn’t hurt. Yes, I have three starters. When the Starterpocalypse started, I had six. *dirge plays, pours out a bit of my cantaloupe, rose water juice that I bought from a Pressed Juicery*
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 3rd steal, which is his 3rd steal this month. That’s pretty close to his pace when healthy, so maybe there’s more hope from him than for the Reek/Ramsay storyline on Game of Thrones.
Kirk Nieuwenhuis – Angels acquired him for cash. Razzball exclusive! This was overheard outside of The Sciosciapath’s office yesterday. He was on the phone with Arte Moreno. “I know Cron was demoted, but he’s creeping up our depth charts. No, I don’t want to trade him. I want to bury him! Why? Because I have Crohn’s Disease and terrible gas and he reminds of that. I’m kidding, I have no reason!”
Matt Joyce – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .177. I could be remembering this wrong, but doesn’t it feel like there’s more sub-.200 hitters now than any other time in the history of baseball? Like every team has at least two in their lineup.
Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. This was his 2nd homer this week and he’s hitting near-.300 in that time, which is very good for him. He’s not the 2nd coming of Jesus Felipe Manny Moises Christ Alou, but there could be something here.
Alfredo Simon – Left the club on bereavement leave. There’s a 50% chance he’s implicated in the bereavement.
Justin Verlander – Will make a rehab start on Sunday. I’m sure Kate Upton will be in Toledo to cheer him on.
Colby Lewis – 2 2/3 IP, 9 ER. Don’t worry about him, Colby is a Survivor.
Leonys Martin – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer as he pinch-hit in the ninth. Not sure why it’s so difficult for major league managers to fill out a lineup card, but Tommy Field (0-for-3, 2 Ks, hitting .195) at 2nd base and Delino DeShields (0-for-4) in center with Leonys on the bench doesn’t make sense in any definition of the word sense. I went to the Oxford English Dictionary and double checked. Martin plays center, Delino at 2nd and that’s it. No more. Fin.
Robinson Chirinos – 1-for-2 and his 5th homer. Uh-oh, Chirinos!
Carlos Carrasco – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.24. His ERA will likely fall to about 3.75 by June 15th…Then up to 3.90…Then back to 3.65…Then up–Okay, you get the picture. Carrasco is still much better than he’s shown in the ERA department. Between him and Salazar, they could both be sub-3 ERA pitchers for the next two months. Grey’s Mr. Lover Lover for both of them.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Oye como yay!
Lonnie Chisenhall – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Member the big season he had last year? Okay, relatively big for him. Guess how many homers he had last year. Go ahead, I’ll wait. *twiddles thumbs, scratches arm, flips on the TV, falls asleep* Lonnie went gonnie only 13 times last year. Surprisingly low, right? What’s that you say? Surprisingly uninteresting? Okay, screw you.
Jason Kipnis – 3-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .342. By the power of matzo meal, schmaltz and carrots, I give you KIPNIS!
Nick Swisher – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .243. This was Sideburnsie’s 2nd homer this week and he’s done a whole lot of nothing else. If you’re looking for an HBI, try it. That’s a hot bat injection, not hot beef injection.
Michael Bourn – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs (13 on the year) and his 4th steal. From frequent commenter GhostTown Steve, “Amazing(ly sad) factoid: Michael Bourn now has as many RBIs as Robbie Cano.” I told you not to draft Cano in the preseason, did you listen? Not to answer, but to weep.
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. This one came in the ninth off a suddenly struggling, David Robertson (4 ER in last two appearances). Josh asked that Robertson call him, Josh Donalddaddy.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-5. I’m happy to report I’ve made my first trade of the season. Well, I’ll let you know how happy I am in about three months. I traded Bautista for Strasburg, because I’m a glutton for punishment, apparently. As I’ve been saying, Bautista isn’t making it through the season with that shoulder, and Strasburg, well, he can’t be worse. Wow, just jinxed myself there. Can we now form a prayer hexagon for Strasburg?
Chris Colabello – 3-for-5, hitting .386. May the Gods of BABIP bless everyone once as they’ve blessed Colabello the last two weeks.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, with this game coming in Toronto, ERA down to 3.84. Ks still seem to missing in large quantities from Alphabet Soup’s repertoire, but he’s looked a hell of a lot better recently. Halleluzija!
Jose Abreu – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .284. Get hot you sumsabeach!
Adam Eaton – 2-for-5, 1 run. Speaking of hot (was I? I’m daffy, y’all!), I grabbed Eaton when Wil Myers went down, and have been riding him since, and now that I look at his last seven games played, well, I feel he’s about to get hot, soon, maybe.
J.B. Shuck – 2-for-5, 1 RBI, and multiple hits in back-to-back days. Going for him: A) If Avisail misses significant time, Shuck will start. B) The Sciosciapath never played Shuck, which means he’s a future All-Star. C) There’s no C.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Moistasskiss!
Michael Pineda – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.36. Glad to see Pineda right the ship. Why am I suddenly dreaming of piña coladas on an ocean liner?
Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. 98 more homers to go before the most awkward news conference ever!
Brian McCann – 1-for-2 and his 6th homer, hitting .239. Member how smart you felt when you drafted him? Fun stuff, catchers.
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, hitting near-.375 in the last week, and still hot schmotatoing. Get ’em while they’re hot!
Mike Fiers – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Ryan Vogelsong 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Throwing out the first pitch for the Fiers/Vogelsong matchup was 1985-ish Billy Joel after opening with his mashup, “We Didn’t Start The Vogelsong, But We Did Start The Fiers.”
Joe Panik – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting near-.350 in the last week with this one dong. Ah! What’s that doing here?!
Noah Syndergaard – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, and he pitchslapped the opposing pitcher. Yeah, I was incorrect on what I saw in Syndergaard’s first start, but I’m going to say that was nerves…His, not mine. Granted, yesterday was vs. the Phils, but he used all his pitches as they were intended, and I was highly impressed like Johannes Gutenberg’s punny neighbors.
Michael Cuddyer – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Now has two homers in the last three games, hitting near-.400 in the last week, and T-minus 12 days until he’s injured.
Doug Fister – Will resume a throwing program. I’d hate to see what else a Fister might have on his resume.
Matt Adams – Expected to miss 3-4 months, and could need surgery on his right quad. I wouldn’t want to be that operating table!
Kolten Wong – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer. Bangfizzle!
Tuffy Gosewisch – Left yesterday’s game with a knee injury. Looked like he could miss some time. If you own him, you’re welcome!
Mark Trumbo – 1-for-2 and his 8th homer. You know what’s weird besides your thing for feet? If the Diamondbacks had better pitching, they’d be a pennant contender. Maybe that’s not weird. I don’t know, you’re the one with the labels.
Brad Ziegler – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners and the blown save, after allowing a leadoff home run to Jason Heyward (2-for-4, 5th homer) and then totally melting down. Oh, Ziegler, you could’ve ran away with this job, got a $25 million two-year contract to be the Marlins closer next year and got featured on Cribs. They don’t feature middle men on Cribs, Ziegler. They don’t. Incredibly, Addison Reed could see saves again soon here, but I think Ziegler is still the man, if tenuously.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 1.51. So8 much better than Mad Max, the movie. If you heard this week’s podcast, I left my bubble to see a movie, and possibly get a cold, and went to see Mad Max. About half through the movie I was exhausted from the fighting and wanted to take a nap. Also, I understood one word in the entire movie, an extended grunt. Tom Hardy is my man crush too! Sigh.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-3 and his 18th homer. His HR/FB% was 35.4% coming into the game. In the history of baseball, only one hitter ever had a HR/FB% higher. Ryan Howard in 2006 at 39.5%. At some point, Harper’s not going to hit five homers for every 15 fly balls.
Jon Lester – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.30. All aboard, next stop on the Lester-train, a sub-3 ERA.
Scott Kazmir – Left with shoulder tightness. Buh-buh-buh-buh-but he’s supposed to be good for ten more starts! Sad 1800’s medical practitioner’s trombone. I’m sure we’ll get more info, but this is likely the end of Kazmir for a few months.
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. The Yo form of enis!
Chris Johnson – 0-for-1 as he was activated from the DL. His claim to fame prior is that his name sounds like an old man in the middle of the night, trying to pee.
Juan Uribe – 0-for-3 as he got the start on his new team, and guess who was starting at 3rd for the Dodgers. A guy I like to call Not Guerrero. Alex Guerrero did play though in left and went 1-for-4 with his 9th homer. Mattingly tried to overturn the home run, but was told he couldn’t since it was for his team.
Alex Wood – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks in not the easiest of matchups in Dodger Stadium. Has now lowered his ERA from 4.32 in the beginning of May almost a full run to 3.57. His peripherals are still lacking, but his velocity is there and the rest looks like it’s coming. Good for Wood.
Cameron Maybin – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Yay, I shamed him into doing something! Okay, don’t stop now, Aoki is still getting multiple hits every day.
Steve Pearce – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Yeah, you should grab him for your MI. No, it can’t be worse than that other schmohawk you have.
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homers, hitting .216. Well, lookie lookie what this cat dragged in with his strikeouts.
Jimmy Paredes – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 3rd steal. If you would’ve said to me three weeks ago, Paredes is in the running for pickup of the year, I would’ve said no way. Even if you just stepped out of a DeLorean.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.14. Four earned in seven innings seems exactly what to expect from Ubaldo. Or if Potsie’s reading, exactubaldo!
Collin McHugh – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.24. His K-rate has taken a real slide this year. No pun, but I am noting it. It could be from his velocity loss, but it’s not that McHugh of a drop for him to lose two Ks off his K-rate from last year. I’m flummoxed, y’all! He should be better than he’s been, but I’m not confident in that right now.
Evan Gattis – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .218. Not bad for someone who was eating cheese off of discarded pizza boxes a few short years ago. Mmm, cheese.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. You know what I’m having for dinner tonight? Arenados of beef.
Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, but was caught stealing. Only Blackmon wasn’t actually stealing. Total racial profiling!
Ben Paulsen – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. It’s funny (not funny) how some managers suddenly get excited about a player. Well, right now, Weiss is caca-cuckoo for Paulsen, and he’s hitting ,353. I could see a hot schmotato here until Morneau returns, which may not be for a while, or tomorrow. No one knows how concussions work; I watched a documentary on it.
Tucker Barnhart – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .250. If you had drafted Barnhart where you took Mesoraco, it would’ve made more sense in hindsight. Fun fact! Tucker Barnhart and Burke Badenhop like to square dance at a barn hop.
Billy Hamilton – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 18th steal. Since he’s dirt cheap right now, Hamilton feels like a solid buy low. There’s no way the Reds continue to hit Schumaker or the suddenly ice-cold Cozart leadoff for much longer.
Johnny Cueto – Aiming to start on Sunday. Speaking of aiming, I just thought of a breakthrough invention. You know how urinals now have that painted-on fly to help guys aim, and that has helped keep bathrooms 85% cleaner (someone actually did the research — ew!). My idea is a fly on a catcher’s mitt. Bam! Edinson Volquez, you’re having problems with control? Fly on the mitt! Trevor Bauer’s lost his control? Fly…mitt! Get Greg Maddux to endorse it and watch for me on next season’s Shark Tank!