I’m not a conspiracy theory guy. Sure, I think Big Onion made onion rings circular rather than like French fries because they want you to use more onions with each fried treat, but other than that, and maybe 1,500 other conspiracies, I am pretty grounded in reality. Okay, I also expect to see Kate Winslet jumping on a trampoline at a Sixers’ halftime dressed as Mare of Easttown, but reality. It’s where I am, except I truly believe Great American Ballpark is somehow stuck in 2019. Balls are still flying out there. Maybe it’s the one park where they didn’t secretly instill a humidor. Either way, yesterday was bomb-ass Philly over spaghetti in Cincy. Andrew McCutchen (2-for-3, 4 RBIs, hitting .209) hit his 8th and 9th homer, and finally moved out of the leadoff spot. Great Awakenings, literally with Joe Girardi. Next up, Odubel Herrera (3-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, 3rd and 4th homer) was moved to the top of the order, and should now move on even the shallowest league’s radar. Then, Rhys Hoskins (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 12th homer, and he’s filling in for Bryce quite nicely as the three-hole hitter — Rhys is Brycely? Hmm, not bad. Even Ronald Torreyes (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, 1st homer) got into the act. And I thought Torreyes were just in a sunken place. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tyler Naquin – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Was recently trying to trade away Naquin, and I looked at his numbers and I was shocked. Shocked, I tell ya! He’s not playing that over his head. I mean, a bit, sure, but much less so than anyone might think.

Jack Flaherty – Hit the IL with a severe oblique strain, that could be classified as a tear, and he will be out a while. Hey, it sucks, but at least he was doing it during what he trained his life to do — hit a baseball. Brilliant stuff to have pitchers hit in the NL. That’s why all the fans go see the games, right? “Hey, Jimmy, today we’re gonna see some pitchers make automatic outs.” Great, great stuff!

John Gant – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.60. He’s going to give up 17 runs in a third of an inning one of these games, or nothing is fair in life or regression.

Michael Pineda – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.40. Just when you think you’re getting Pineda, the Piñata shows up and is hit around.

Mitch Garver – Took a ball into the grapes last night, and will miss some time. Someone check in on Coolwhip to make sure he’s okay.

Willians Astudillo – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Is there a bigger disconnect to the fun a player brings and how little fantasy value he has than Astudillo?

Kyle Garlick – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and 3rd homer in his last five games. Ya know what Garlick goes well on? A hot schmotato.

Maikel Franco – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Donkey Teeth’s preseason MVP looking good so far!

Max Fried – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.35. Told someone yesterday to drop Fried, and I think they were taken aback. Listen, I told everyone to avoid him in the preseason, and now I’m saying, you have a pitcher with a near-5.50 ERA. Did you and Fried exchange promise rings? At what point do you try to win vs. hold guys who suck?

Ronald Acuna Jr. – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (17) and double legs (7, 8). Tildaddy says you can shut off his classic rock station!

Stephen Strasburg – Left yesterday’s game after 1 1/3 IP with a trapezius muscle injury that showed itself after the first batter, but then he winced through about six more hitters. Yet, another guy that you are holding because of something he did some other year than this one.

Juan Soto – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .284. Sexy Dr. Pepper just needed some needling! HE’S ALIVE *sobbing* HE’S ALIVE.

Patrick Wisdom – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Welp, hot schmotato alert!

Kyle Hendricks – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baseurnners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.62. Honestly, didn’t watch this game, but zero walks and two homers allowed tells me Hendricks was doing exactly what he has all year, which is not locating and over the plate.

Victor Caratini – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Grabbed him in one deeper league to replace Wilson Ramos, and I’m riding that Teeny Carrot, I mean, Caratini.

Tommy Pham – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Must feel better only hitting homers, after too many singles got him stabbed.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – Left with oblique tightness. Having nice things…*takes a long pull off a vape pen, exhales enough vape clouds to fill the room, coughs through the haze, finally*…has left the building.

Kolten Wong – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. I grabbed him for a batty call, and got the double dong, like I was Jennifer Connelly. Gonna be hard to not grow an attachment. Guess it’s better than detachment with Wong.

Tyrone Taylor – 2-for-4, and his 4th homer and 5th homer. Always see him hit the ball hard when he’s in the lineup. “When” begins the key phrase there, because the Brewers have tried to make JBJ and Cain a thing all year. Maybe with Cain out, Tyrone gets a little run. Worth monocle’ing.

Eric Lauer – 2 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.88. Can’t believe I started this schmohawk, and Lauer didn’t even press a button on his desk to lock my lineup and force me into it.

Jonathan Schoop – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer, and 4 homers in the last week, and the ball is flying again, at least in some parks. If you need power *whips around in his chair* Johnny Schoop’s here.

Eric Haase – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 3rd and 4th homer. Kept saying last week Haase ha(a)s(e) light tower power. He might hit .200, but that’s 85% of the league too.

Matthew Boyd – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.90. That was an easy bench in Miller for a guy prone to the dong-a-long-gones but Streamonator likes his next.

Dylan Cease – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.79. White Sox announcers mentioned something interesting yesterday. Giolito can pitch, and Cease can throw. It’s true. Cease’s stuff is dynamite, but when he loses the zone, it’s kaboom.

Shane Bieber – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.08. He absolutely can figure it out, but he is not the same pitcher we saw last year. Looks more like a top 15 starter vs. a top three.

Luis Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.72. Keep telling everyone to pick him up, and then you do, and you follow that with, “Should I bench him?” Um, fellas and five ellas, why you pick up SPs to not start?

Jose Altuve – 1-for-2 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Jokes aside, he looks great. Wonder what the buzzer is attached to now.

Miguel Andujar – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Hate that it’s a 1-for-5 night, because a hot hitter usually does more, but two homers in two games might be that reemergence of Miguel, which sounds like Lauryn Hill lyrics.

Clint Frazier – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Is it me or whenever you see Clint Frazier’s name do you picture him screaming at a pack of Big Red chewing gum, “I’m the Big Red now!” Meh, might be me.

Domingo German – 5 IP, 3 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.27. Streamonator likes German’s next start vs. the Red Sox, and that sounds like nein to me, but I don’t know German.

Austin Meadows – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (13) and legs (2). Austin, Jayne, Audrey, that’s me ranking Meadows.

Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, hitting .280. On the Player Rater, it’s Salvador Perez comfortably as the top catcher.

Andrew Benintendi – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 5th homer, a grand slam, hitting .291. Is Benintendi the first player ever to leave Fenway and get better? Seriously, I’m brain farting with my shirt over my head for a Dutch oven.

Alex Wood – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.48. Regression Fairies saw Wood, and jumped Alex.

Mike Yastrzemski – Diagnosed with a thumb sprain which will either be an IL stint, or a day-to-day-miss-five-games-and-then-IL thing.

Andrew Heaney – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.76. Still not a fan, but since this start was in San Francisco, it’s fair to say, I’d be a fan if he was traded to the Giants. A San Fan.

Dominic Smith – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (1), hitting .252. Also, in this game, Pavin Smith (1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 5th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said, “This was the first time in history two Smiths homered in the same game another Smith started.” Adding, “Maybe.”

Caleb Smith – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Hmm, I’m actually interested here — 10 K/9, 4 BB/9, 3.86 FIP. Moving from bullpen to the rotation isn’t always seamless, so I’m not running out in every league, but deeper ones? Yeah, I’d grab him.

George Springer – Ran the bases for the first time in a month. Is Springer…okay? What on earth is going on? Kevin Pillar came back faster than him, and Pillar was literally dumping buckets of blood in the most disturbing plate appearance since The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover.

Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.57. It’s two months in, I should not still be telling people to pick up Ray.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. Acuna, Tatis, Vlad…Then draft whoever because no one else matters. That’s a sneak preview of my 2022 rankings.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 3-for-4, and his 5th homer. Look at the sun, Lou-Gu-Ju, and mimic that heat.

Sixto Sanchez – Shut down with discomfort in his shoulder, i.e., pulled over on the shoulder due to shoulder. Hey, I love Sixto, but you’re not getting anything this year.

Marco Gonzales – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.01, as he was activated from the IL. At one point, I liked Gonzales, but now? I’m not even sure I’d use the Streamonator for him, due to a lack of trust.

Jarred Kelenic – 0-for-4, 3 Ks, hitting .111. Maybe he shouldn’t have worked so hard in the minors on his defense.

Kyle Lewis – This pic is essentially me after hearing the news:

The Mariners said the injury happened when Kyle Lewis was chasing down a ball in the outfield, and just happens to be the same knee where he had a bone bruise. Yo, do we look like we were born yesterday? Am I suckling on a nipple and saying wah wah wah? Do I wear diapers? Okay, the answers there are yes, maybe and sometimes, but, seriously, how do you expect us to believe he just happened to tear the same knee he bruised? Obviously, he had a tear already, and they let him try to rest it. Either that, or their doctors suck and he had a tear and they thought it was a bruise, which seems laughably inconceivable. Stop lying to me I see through it, you schmohawks! Any hoo! Lewis is likely done for the year, and, honestly, I hope he is, and doesn’t try to play through it in a month. The M’s recalled Taylor Trammell (1-for-3 and his 5th homer), who tears up the minors. Not the bad tears, it’s the good tears. He went 6/3/.384 in 17 games, but hit .157 in 27 games with the M’s. He’s too young to say Quad-A, so I could see trying him — Trylor? Grey’s still got it!