Start engraving the Hall of Fame plaque for Albert Pujols now: First a Cardinal, then an Angel, always a God. Been a while since I got choked up about a player retiring, but this one had me bent over in disbelief like Brad Lidge. Often made fun of Albert Pujols, but he was arguably the greatest 1st baseman I saw. Objectively, he’s the best post-war 1st baseman in MLB history. (Bet you can’t guess number two.) Sure, towards the end he would smack the occasional homer, and plop a tennis ball onto his bat as he used it as a cane around the bases. Those early Angels and Cardinals years, though, no one could sniff Pujols’ rarified air. If he wafted the Pujols air, they came, which sounds like some x-rated anime film. The Angels did him dirty by just releasing him — even the Yankees gave Jay Bruce one final game! Maybe the Angels feared Pujols’s retirement celebration around the league would take an extra year, as he decided to jog Cal Ripken-style around the field. All this is super sad, especially since I lowered Jared Walsh (1-for-4, hitting .330) in my preseason rankings at the last second, and where’s my Jo Adell at? Welp, fairly well, Pujols, you will leave a gaping hole in the game, even if he says he wants to continue playing, which will just be sad. Retire, man, it’s time. *finger to ear* Wait, we have breaking news! Albert Pujols to play center field for the White Sox. La Russa confirms. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Ya know that stupid argument baseball writers have every year that goes like this, “Can this pitcher really win the MVP if he only starts once every fifth day?” Ohtani’s found an answer.
Andrew Heaney – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.11. This start was in Los Angeles Is 45 Minutes Away With No Traffic And There’s Always Traffic of Los Angeles, and his next start is a negative on the Streamonator in Houston, so Heaney gets to prove if he’s just an Anaheim Steamroller, or more.
Khalil Lee – Rumors that he could be called up by the Mets to replace Nimmo. Where’s Nimmo? Maybe finding himself. Who gives a sh*t? Pixar can f*ck off and they’re stupid talking animals! Wow, Grey lost it for a second. Here’s what happened. I saw Khalil’s name and thought of Khalil Greene, one of the ugliest players to ever play, and it freaked me out and my coping mechanism was screaming cusses. Okay, so Khalil Lee’s minor league stats are some of the more humorous I’ve seen: 8/53 with a 28.2% strikeout rate in Double-A. Yo, who’s his batting coach, Billy Hamilton? Not even Quay Hugebottom could fix that, yet — again with some stank — YET! Speed plays. If you need SAGNOF, I could see grabbing him. If you want a professional opinion, Prospect Itch said, “Lee has taken tremendously well to plate patience and base-stealing, but his swing mechanics and contact skills need work and reps. He’s likely to get these reps at the big league level soon, where he could be a stolen base boon in OBP leagues with little to offer in standard 5×5 for his first few seasons. Anyway, who wants to punch Grey in the face?” C’mon, man! Khalil will also be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, which you can see now at our Patreon.
Taijuan Walker – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.38. Member when I had that hypothesis a few years ago that getaway day (usually Thursday) was a good day to stream because everyone’s checked out? Yeah, I still have that hypothesis. Any hoo! Streamonator loves Walker’s next start.
Brandon Woodruff – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.73. The pitching line was so pretty that it’s not surprising Odubel spoiled it with a hit. For those new to the site, I just like to point out that I wrote a Brandon Woodruff sleeper last year, and absolutely loved him before everyone else. I created him. He’s nothing without me. And my shrink says I have an overinflated sense of importance – ha! I’m laughing at you, you quack!
Bryce Harper – Out for the fourth straight day. We’ve managed to unlock a hidden level of pain above your players going on the IL. Them not going on the IL and just not playing.
Alec Bohm – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Like a reverse aloe vera, please get hot Bohm.
Zack Wheeler – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.83. Out-pitched Woodruff, and let me be the first to tell you I didn’t see this year coming from Wheeler. Absolutely fooled by 2020, and his dip in Ks and how it seemed like he was aiming for contact. Mea culpa. Though, and I won’t backpedal everything, Vogelbach was the Brewers’ two-hole hitter. Are they trying to lose?
Nathan Eovaldi – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.62. Against the Tigers. The Tigers! Carole Baskin could shutout the Tigers! Bunch of rinky-dink hits too, like a blast from Eovaldi’s previous crappy pitching past, when he kept getting too much of the plate. Throw a gee-dee ball once in a while! So, Streamonator loves his next start, and I am holding firm, for now.
Franchy Cordero – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI, as he replaced a hamstrung Enrique Hernandez. The Red Sawx scored 12 runs without one homer, but the true star was Hunter Renfroe who went 0-for-5. Ticker tease!
Jeimer Candelario – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .300. Second day in a row with three hits. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy, but he does seem to be a full-fledged schmotato.
Triston McKenzie – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 4.94. Check out the beanpole! And I still don’t trust him. Too many walks, looks lucky on paper, and I’d want to see more.
Franmil Reyes – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .283. Only 46 more for the $54 Vending Machine Steak and the universe will be in order!
Adam Duvall – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at…Guess. He threw a no no-no and seems to have really figured things out, right? So, guess his ERA. Nope, it’s 4.91. Fooled the shizz out of you! I should be on a game show, “Fool Somebody.” Hardy-har, I am not the fool!
Yordan Alvarez – 3-for-4, and his 4th and 5th homer. Okay, quick diatribe. I don’t like pitching, but the RazzSlam Points rules are goofy in favor of hitting. John Means scored 45 points this week, and Yordan has scored 34 points thus far. Means’s start was a top five start of the year, maybe of the last few years. 12 Ks, zero baserunners, 9 IP, 0 ER, I Means, c’mon. Yordan has a random two-homer week and he’s nearly that valuable and he can play every day padding the stats. It’s so crazy biased towards hitting.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .256. Altuve, just short of being himself.
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.61. Watched this game and, for what it’s Cronenworth, Cole was getting squeezed. Too bad the Astros abandoned the cheating. Nothing better than squeezing with nearby cans.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .312. You ever have a dream that Giancarlo is wearing a whipped cream bikini and you’re a giant tongue?
Clint Frazier – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .151. That makes him Red Rum.
Danny Jansen – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer and 2nd and 3rd RBIs on the year, hitting .083. I was watching him with his four eyes with my four eyes and I was thinking, “Are those glasses new?” Then I saw he was hitting .083 and I was like, “Maybe he needs new new glasses,” and chuckled. Then he homered, so you can thank me. I think. Danny Jansen putting the yes in four eyes.
Marcus Semien – 4-for-6, 3 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .254. Who’s your early regret? Not having Semien in any leagues is mine. Other guys have been more productive, but Semien was so obvious, and so under-drafted in March. Could’ve had him in any league around 100th overall. Insane value.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.31, as he was activated from the IL. So, now he’s a pain in my ass?
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .306. More like GricHULK! C’mon, that one was good! High five! No? Okay.
Mark Canha – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .248. For a guy with ‘ha’ in his name, there’s nothing funny about him, but he has been very productive on the sly.
Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.12. Solid bounce back to Netflix’s A Series of Unfortunate Starts. The Nats are pretty terrible this year, outside of Treat Urner, so that might’ve helped, and the Streamonator doesn’t love his next start.
Josh Harrison – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 1st steal, hitting .329. Been meaning to mention Harrison, because he was doing okay on our 7-day Player Rater, but serious snooze. I…yeah, you try to generate enthusiasm for Harrison. I can’t.
Max Kepler – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .200. “If we stick an apple in his mouth, we can put him on the buffet table–Wait! Kepler moved! He’s alive!”
Nick Gordon – 1-for-2, and first two steals, as he gets his first start after being recalled. Looking at his minor league numbers and I feel like I’m having deja vu for every Twins’ prospect. They grow these high-contact guys on trees in St. Paul? Was St. Paul, the Patron Saint of Contact? Does St. Paul need contact so bad he’s now the Patron Saint of Elbow Bumps? I got questions, y’all! Gordon looks to me like a 5/13/.270 hitter over the course of a season, which is yawnstipating. One side note in his favor, stats at alternate training site last year are sorta lost in the wind, so maybe he developed his game/power.
Byron Buxton – Left yesterday’s game with a hip strain. Better than whatever happened to Lou Bob, but worse than a Shakira hips train. Guys and five ladies, Buxton won’t stay healthy. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be an Aaron Bummer here. It’s gonna happen. Even if yesterday’s injury is merely day-to-day, it will happen.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.43. Saw his ERA and I was like “Tiger Woods fist pump,” then I saw Pineda’s peripherals and I was like there’s gonna be an incoming piñata.
Jordan Lyles – 5 IP,, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 7.09. He’s allowed nine homers already. So, are they just now filming or are we actually watching the body switch movie with Lyles and Kyle Gibson?
Joey Gallo – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and two homers in four games. As I said the other day, he’s 18 months overdue for a 10-homer-in-15-game stretch. This could finally be it. If he could put together a 70-homer-in-120-game stretch, they might name a street after him. Joey Gallo Street would be better than Joey Gallo Way.