Buy The Lesbian Wash Towel Set (Her-Her)

The Heriberto Hernandez buys started on July 10th, when I said, “If you prorate–[Mr. Prorater skydives through my ceiling, legs crashing through, but getting stuck] Damn it, Mr. Prorater! “Sorry, I misjudged the angle. Prorated it at 45 degrees. Anyway! Heriberto is a 30/15 hitter in a full season of at-bats. Wow! Now, can you call the fire department? I’m gonna need a crane.” And that’s me quoting me and Mr. Prorater! “Um, I’m still stuck in your roof.” I know, I can see your dangling legs. “So, a little help?” Then I have to patch my roof. So, since July 10th, Heriberto’s continued to light it up. My question now is more of a profound one: Why? Not why didn’t you pick him up on July 10th when I told you, and he proceeded to have one of the top months in baseball. Nah, you save that “why” for yourself when you’re being introspective. My “why” is why is he so good? That’s easy. Spinach and Santeria. No? Okay, here:

Dude hits the ball as hard as anyone. The chase, Whiff and strikeout rates are concerning, which is why he’s more of a .250 hitter than a .300 hitter with 30/15 ability. “Speaking  of 30/15, did you call the fire department? Anything?” Leave me alone, Mr. Prorater. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! This post was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:

BUY

Jonah Heim – Did you know Shea Langeliers’s father was a huge Mets fan and named his kid after Shea Stadium? No kidding, he cursed him from birth.

Eduardo Valencia – Someone mentioned in the comments something recently, what if the Tigers trade Torkelson? Then the DH spot opens and Valencia has power. Frank Viola!

Christian Encarnacion-Strand – Gave you my Christian Encarnacion-Strand fantasy last week. It was written while thinking, “Is Amber the color of my energy?”

Ty France – Thinking about a team where I drafted Ty France and Ryan O’Hearn instead of Vlad and Eugenio and I’m smiling instead of crying.

Ildemaro Vargas – “Of the Sea” Vargas is back from his 60-day IL stint! [intern whispers] Oh, hearing Vargas wasn’t hurt, he just sucked the last two months after an April of, “Grey, handsome stuff on your shoulders, so Vargas is a breakout, right? He’s so good!” Not to keep bagging on him, but Vargas’s April is so hilarious in retrospect — 6 HRs, .378! He hit .100 in June with zero homers. Anyway, he’s been better in July.

Alec Bohm – Fun fact! Each time Bohm is mentioned in the Buy column, his mom steals a piece of his jewelry and pawns it.

Jake Cronenworth – His July has been hot. So has mine too. His hot July doesn’t just mean he’s sleeping with ice pops on his forehead. Mine does.

Luis Rengifo – Don’t hate the player, hate the game! The game being, “Me avoiding the tomatoes you’re throwing at my head for recommending Rengifo.”

Pedro Ramirez – This feels like a Buy where I’m going to get to Monday and be like, “Due to the trade of Eugenio Suarez to the Cubs, Ramirez is out of a job,” or something along those lines.

Nick Loftin – He be Loftin. [sees his ground ball rate] Well, ya know, sometimes.

Marcus Semien – “When the schmotato’s hot, the fire burns bright.” That’s Wordsworth about Ty Wigginton. RIP Wordsworth, you would’ve loved Semien.

Chase Meidroth – This year I started liking the White Sox again, but — sorry, yeah, I’m about to undercut that — I don’t love Meidroth for fantasy. He has been hot, though!

Cooper Pratt – I nearly wrote his name as Pooper Crap, and I fear now I am going to have to start calling him that. As J. Lo says exiting the bathroom, this Pooper’s hot.

Brady House – With Curtis Mead being shipped off, House was in the, uh, house. I don’t think he’s suddenly fixed. Most of these pickups are, “This player is hot,” but this one is not. This is if you’re in a deep league looking for a total flyer, lottery ticket, that I have serious doubts about.

Vaughn Grissom – This week he played in his 162nd game of his career. His stats were: 65/12/77/.259/7 in 548 ABs. I can’t imagine a line being more indicative of a guy across four seasons.

Hao-Yu Lee – I thought my name growing up was Hao-Yu. Every time I was in my room, someone would scream, “Hao-Yu, come down here!” I feel like I’m doing old Bill Cosby bits.

Jacob Young – If you have Young in a deep, daily league, he’s actually been solid all year. Not incredible, obviously, but if you can play him when he’s playing, it’s been decent. By the way, the Nats are more committed to nonsense platoons than most teams. They will platoon in guys, who are not good, for guys who are good for no reason other than handedness.

Petey Halpin – Very surprised to hear the Guards’ offense has been struggling. They have Petey Halpin. Let Petey soar!

Cedric Mullins – Mentioned this on the podcast this week, but it seems like Mullins has been hot every week this year, while also not being good on the year. An odd confluence!

Ryan Waldschmidt – Bit concerned about his K% from the minors to the majors. It’s fine to go up a little. His jumped a lot. Even this month when he’s been hot. It could just be Growing Pains, Boner. His speed is solid and might chip in some power.

Max Clark – Just went over him this morning. Give it a scroll on the ol’ mouse and find it.

Tyrone Taylor – Also Taylor Trammel’s been hot. David Letterman voice, “Tyrone…Taylor…Trammell…Taylor…Tyrone…Uma…Oprah…” I’ve done that joke twice this week, and will now retire it until 2028.

Joc Pederson – Went to look at the Player Rater to make a point something like, “Joc’s just been good all year,” and that’s not true. He’s been fine. Around 200th overall.

Reynaldo Lopez – This is a Streamonator call like the call it makes to the post office.

Connor Prielipp – This is also a Streamonator call. “Some teenager put a stamp on my back and I can’t reach it, and the mailman keeps trying to pick me up as mail. Can you tell him to stop please?”

Brandyn Garcia – DBacks made the move to remove Sewald from the closer role and it could be Brandyn, but going against him is he’s a lefty and his parents didn’t know how to spell Brandon. Juan Morillo could also get looks. Either guy could run with it, so I could see grabbing both in some leagues. Could be a late Louie Varland-type situation.

Brooks Raley – Also mentioned this on this week’s podcast, but right now is the best time to stash a handcuff, because if the guys in front of them are traded, you want the guy who’s going to take over. So, I’ll just list some possibilities: Raley, George Soriano, Mason Montgomery, Adrian Morejon, and Rico Garcia. Anyone could be moving though. So, cancel your weekend plans. You have to stay close to your waiver wire this weekend. Sorry, Jimmy and Suzy, have your gender reveal some other weekend. It’s one of two things anyway. Just email us.

SELL

Anyone You Don’t Need – Next week the Sells become Drops, but, for this week — and this one week only *waves finger in the air* This one…Week! ONLY! *you’re so amped now, you could run through a wall* Okay, don’t run through a wall, I just painted. So, it’s the final hours before the fantasy trade deadline. Fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) are in their man caves decorated in autographed jerseys and Miller Lite neon signs. Under a spotlight is a lucite box filled with a signed baseball that you think is worth between $150,000 and $200,000, but is actually a factory-signed baseball that an Antiques Roadshow appraiser would tell you is worth “under $10 unless you can find someone as stupid as you.” You’re trying to work out a deal with a leaguemate? Well, try harder! Not saying to not not trade Paul Skenes for Ronald Acuña Jr., I’m saying that is is exactly exactly what what — okay, now I’m just repeating words — you should be doing whatever it takes, if it helps you win before your trade deadline. If it’s a keeper or you have no trade deadline, then you can use the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer, as always.